Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (14)

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2945965#Post2945965

Look at how you can make your life richer for yourself. I remember at the start of this nightmare, I was going out, getting dressed up purely with the intention of H seeing me in the video doorbell to try & evoke a response. I now go out without giving him a second thought. It's for me. My enjoyment, my pleasure.

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2945966#Post2945966

I read something today that resonated with me. I think it goes to the heart of DB and I will share it here:

"Many bad things happen in life and it is a mistake to try to sentimentalize these moments away by saying that they must be happening to serve some higher good. But sometimes, when suffering can be connected to a larger narrative of change and redemption, we can suffer our way to wisdom. This is the kind of wisdom you can't learn from books. You have to experience it yourself. Sometimes you experience your first taste of nobility in the way you respond to suffering."

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2946077

I'm not sure if this is the right section of the forum for this, so if a moderator wants to move it, feel free.

Watching my marriage crumble around me has been a learning experience. Although it is not I who wants to end it, I realize that even if it were to be restored, it would have to be completely different from what it was before. And if a new relationship should replace it, that would have to be very different from this one too.

I decided to write out what I have learned from my experiences, as well as what I would want a new relationship to look like. In the process, I not only acknowledged my faults, but also extolled my own good qualities. I found that indulging in self-promotion is very empowering and is helping me realize that I am not to blame for everything. It makes me realize I have many good qualities and those should be shared with the right person (which may end up being my spouse or maybe not).

If you read this, I am sure you will recognize some elements of Michele's writings and those of you that have contributed to my threads will probably see elements of the advice you have given. It's rather long, so I will break it into two parts below. Maybe it will help someone. And if it doesn't, it still gave me benefit to crystallize my thoughts.

Part I:

I have thought about what my marriage has taught me. It has taught me about mistakes I have made. It has also taught me that there are things I will and will not accept in a relationship going forward. Here are the things I have learned:

1. There is no substitute for constant affirmation of someone’s importance. Women especially require that they be told frequently how beautiful, special, and desirable they are. I will do that much more in a future relationship.

2. Some small time for togetherness must be scheduled each week. It doesn’t have to be a dinner date; it can be a walk in the park or watching the sun set. The many commitments that press on our time must yield somewhere. In my life, my relationship will come first, and I expect my woman to view it the same way. Any money- or profit-making ventures are secondary. Of course, I will support anything she wants to do, but time for us has to be there each week. It was a mistake not to schedule this in the past. Any future relationship I find myself in must make time for this each week. I am worth it.

3. Physical intimacy is important to me. That does not just mean sex. It means touching, holding, caressing. And trying to fit in sex on vacations, etc., doesn’t always work when there are lots of other things planned, or when kids are involved. Any future relationship I find myself in must make periodic time for overnights or weekends devoted to nothing but physical intimacy. No visiting tourist sites, no planning anything except for meals. When no meal is scheduled, we are in the bed, no clothes on, doing something that makes us feel good and close. Touching, talking dirty, [censored], sleeping in each other’s arms, whatever. This has to take place at least a few times a year. Not negotiable, and I am worth it.

Part II:

4. Related to #3, I have learned that I am good in bed. I know this not because my ego is large, but because my lover told me so. I have learned that telling someone you want to go to bed with them purely for lustful reasons is fine, even if you are married to them. Someone who recognizes the joy of sex doesn’t object to being told this; they welcome it. I am also a considerate lover who puts high importance on making sure that the woman I am with receives any pleasure she wants. Her pleasure is just as important as mine. I regularly ask my lover what I can do for her, and if she wants me to [use your imagination] all she has to do is say so, and I will. As far as I am concerned, I exist to make both of us feel good. I am good at sex and willing to become better. I am worthy of a lover who wants this. I am worthy of a lover, period.

5. I will only bear my portion of the responsibility for mistakes made in a relationship. It takes two people to make a relationship fall apart. If my partner feels unhappy with her life, or doesn’t know what she wants from life, and that is affecting the relationship, that is not my problem, and I will not bear any guilt for it. Why? Happiness and unhappiness do not come from, and are not caused by, external things or other people. They come from within. We choose happiness or unhappiness. If someone else (including my lover) chooses to be unhappy, I can’t control that. I can control my own happiness only, and I am absolutely worthy of happiness.

6. I no longer believe love is an emotion; it is a choice. Some people believe that love goes away as people change over time. The only way it “goes away” is when we stop doing loving things. If we have stopped, but then start doing loving things again (the things we used to do that brought us together), love will return. Someone said marriage is falling in love with the same person over and over again. There is truth in that. We can choose love like we choose happiness. If my partner decides that she doesn’t want to do loving things with me anymore, then I am worthy of someone else, who will.

7. I am an intellectual, introverted guy who walks the straight and narrow (mostly lol). I don’t drink, smoke, abuse drugs, or indulge in similar behaviors that might abuse my body. I work hard and provide well for myself and my other financial responsibilities. These are not liabilities or the characteristics of a “boring, uninteresting guy”; they are virtues. And a woman who values me will not think that I am unworthy of knowing because of them.

8. I am a “catch.” I am a prize for someone, the right someone. I should stop myself when I am tempted to think otherwise.

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2946116#Post2946116

W just said she wants to tell our son tomorrow. This pisses me off to no end, as it's 4th of July weekend, his birthday next Thursday, and surgery the following week. Just another example of how insensitive and selfish she really is. I told her this is like the worst time to tell him, but she said "maybe, but we need to get this done asap."

I understand how the timing of her wanting to inform son is upsetting to you. You cannot control when or what W would blurt out to son or others. You can only control you - your thoughts, actions, and reactions.

Being livid is understandable to such a trigger from W. And it is fleeting, unless you reinforce it. You can control your thoughts/reactions regarding her insensitivity, and in such influence your emotional state. When/if W has this conversation, would son be better served by Dad being PO’d or calm? And which state would serve you better?

I do get it when one’s spouse is hellbent on their plan. Anyone who stands in their way will get mowed down. That is a likely scenario for son and his feelings. You, his Dad, will be his rock in all this. Be open and honest, and of course age appropriate with him.

Do not demonize his Mom. Realize, son knows he is half of her, half of his genes come from her. He will already question his own character because of the genes he carries. Any attacks on his Mom will be felt and internalized by him. (My kids saw their Mom and her behaviour, and had plenty of questions.) Ensure you encourage and reinforce that choice and decisions are not genetic, he controls himself. His fate is up to him.

Yes, that’s a lot of life lessons for such a young lad. And those lessons will not occur during the conversation, rather over the next weeks, months, and years. The bond and relationship you and he will foster through such will become stronger than ever. Though, he will lash out to you as well, since you are the strong stable parent in his life.

You do have a pre-warning, a heads up from W. You cannot control or know what she will say. You do control you and what you will say. So, what do you want to impart? Not specifically, more a general idea as the conversation evolves.

I’d suggest remaining factual, and not blaming W. And most importantly letting son know this is not about him in any way shape or form. Kids are egocentric and will take on the blame of stuff, even when they aren’t at fault. Working through that particular, and normal, response of son will require some open discussions at his pace over time.

Like before, let W do the heavy lifting, you more respond without necessarily helping nor blocking. At times that path feels like a razors edge. However, it turns out that path is quite solid and firm, and much wider than one first sees.

D

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2946322#Post2946322

It gets better. It’s going to be alright, you just have to be patient.

Imagine you’ve just gone to Disneyland. Your H has climbed aboard the tallest, fastest, most unsafe and decrepit rollercoaster and it’s just pulling out of the boarding station. His carriage has started the chain lift to the top to begin the thrill ride. Let’s name that rollercoaster, I dunno, “MLC” or “Affair Partner”.

He’s calling out to to you from his carriage as he goes up the hill. Telling you it’s going to be great. He doesn’t need the safety of the ground or you.

So you start yelling at the top of your voice to him and the ride operator:
“I want to go on the ride with him!”
“Reverse the carriage back into the station!”
“I should never have agreed to come to Disneyland!”
“You’re supposed to be down here with me!”
“It’s really dangerous! You don’t know what you’re doing!”
“Accelerate the ride so it’s finished in 5 seconds, not 5 minutes!”
*Shakes fence violently*

As you scream hysterically from the ground, what effect do you think your words or actions are going to have? Will the carriage suddenly stop and reverse back in? After waiting months/years for this exciting ride, will he suddenly decide he wants to get off and stand next to you on the ground?

Absolutely nothing you do or say is going to make one bit of difference. He decided months/years ago this is what he wanted to do.

All you can do is stand there and wait for the ride to finish, and it will seem like an eternity.

And chances are, when the ride ends and his carriage finally pulls into the station, he might be so addicted he wants to go again.

And maybe, by the time the ride is finished and he wants to get off, he might find you’ve got sick of his s*** and you’re no longer there waiting for him.

That’s how this rollercoaster works. It’s just like divorce.

1. You can scream, shout, argue, beg, cry and try to control/manipulate the situation (and make zero impact) - or you can accept there’s nothing you can do to stop the ride from happening.

2. You can stand there and waste your day (your life) waiting for him to come back, or you can realize you are at Disneyland (alive on the earth) and go find a million other fun things to do.

3. Perhaps, half way around the ride, he will see you on the other side of the park, driving dodgem cars or sliding down water slides, and he’ll decide Disneyland is more fun with you than without. He sure won’t want to get off the ride if you’re still there waiting for him in a puddle of tears.

Let him take his ride. Let it all go and live your life.

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2946524#Post2946524

- You’ve stated an affair is a deal breaker. You need to be REALLY careful what you say, because it can come back to haunt you - and in fact can actually encourage her to keep having affairs and keep you at arm’s length. Is that TRULY your deal breaker? If she walked in tomorrow and said “I’ve been banging Steve from accounts” would you calmly tell her to leave, pack up her stuff, throw it on the sidewalk, change the locks and file immediately with a lawyer? Because if the answer to that is absolutely yes, then that’s a great boundary and you can make it clear. But if there’s any hesitation at all, or you’d have to think about it, you shouldn’t be telling her or yourself it’s a deal breaker. Marriages do recover from physical affairs. What they DON'T recover from is weak men who verbalize a boundary and then let their wives break it. Think very carefully on this.

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2946565#Post2946565

I have re-read my entire thread over again and I have read Sandi's original thread, how lucky I was to have her take interest in my sitch. Reading that some young men were taking her first drops of advice as too aggressive made me smile, it reminded me of the day she told me she hoped her posts wouldn't make me leave the forum and all I could think was, your advice is the best thing that could happen to me now. I imagine you have not heard from her, I miss her, I wish I could hug her and thank her in person.

....

This week will be the 4 year anniversary since BD, I struggle a lot with how much time I have needed to start moving forward on my own. Maybe this is something we never fully recover from, even if as an individual you grow and improve beyond what you could imagine. Here are some ideas I got from reading all the golden nuggets, to keep me going.

1. When you arrive here you are seeking change in your spouse. However the ugly truth is that you are the only person you can change and it takes two willing spouses to R. Thus, your best approach is to come here seeking your own change, saving yourself, as nobody is coming for you and you are not attractive when you hit rock bottom.

2. Finding the DB forum is a tool so powerful it comes with a piece of responsibility. Here you learn about growth books, parenting, boundaries, social proof, attractiveness, gender differences...if you are given all that information, you have the responsibility to use it to improve your life and therefore that of your children.

3. Someone posted on Sandi's thread "I don't care how big of a bump on a log your husband has become, you are his wife. You helped create what he is today." This hit me hard, I believe people can change, maybe many of the issues I see in W were driven by my behavior and vice-versa. Don't judge your S for he/she has become during this suffering time, in all likelihood you were also lacking as an individual by the time you had the b#lls to post here.

4. I have read a lot about forgiveness, the price you pay for it and how you must move on with it. I don't think I could forgive exW for all her despise, accusations, infidelity and the havoc she caused in what I called our family life. I don't say this from a vengeful perspective, it is just a boundary I have to set and stick to. I remember reading how weak a man can look if you set a boundary and let it be stepped on over and over. Time to put Pack first, I will find someone who admires and respects the man I have become.

5. This is how I should have reacted when I was talking about fighting for my M, thinking whether to keep or not my ring on, praying for the chance to communicate with exW about our M and yet knowing there was OM1.
"well, sorry it's come to this, I wish you every happiness, it's been a great so many number of years, give my best to OM, but I'm outta here, like NOW!"

My PIES, guiding me everyday!

P - Improve my PRs in crossfit. Marathon under 3´30". Gain 5 Kg in muscle weight, keep my wardrobe fresh. Chin up and chest out, I should be proud of the new man I have become. Practice my sexual kung fu.
I - Start a company or build a career that allows me to go racing as a hobby. Improve my driving and riding skills. Learn about men and women.
E - Improve my active listen, show empathy, stay humble and work on improving myself as a man and father. Approach more women and start conversations. Take rejection as a positive filter. DETACH and enjoy being single in all that is means. DO NOT CHASE ANY WOMAN
S - Talk to God and be a role model for my kids. Keep growing, keep improving as a man.

[Kind18]

Love these insights from Pack19!

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2946756#Post2946756

I never believed you vets when you said it gets easier and you get to this point. I remember reading DR in April while recovering from surgery and those early posts just after that boy was I a mess. I thought I was GAL but I wasn’t, I thought I was detaching but I was clinging for dear life. I did so many wrongs and never thought I could get through.
It’s nice to come through the storm and see glimmers of clear skies. Although I still have many storms to get through still to come, I feel in such a better position to tackle anything. H has lost all capabilities of getting help I think. He is a very lost man buried in MLC.
I don’t think I ever would have done anything about his drinking pre BD. I just put up with it, tolerated it and even made excuses for it. I now see how much that wore me down and made me such a weak person. What an absolute eye opener.

I must say, going to the gym multiple times a week, walking the dog and getting the miles in her little paws has been my absolute saviour. I feel so good within myself ( I was always a very fit and active person but I’m finding ways to make myself better. ) but as a whole I feel I am finding myself that I had lost so long ago.
I do laugh that as I get better, happier, dressing up more on weekends, putting makeup on again, getting my hair done, smiling, socialising with lots of friends....

I can honestly now say that DB does work, but not necessarily to get H back ( because that story hasn’t been written yet) but it works to get yourself back together, to feel better and start to heal your own heart.

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2946838#Post2946838

Be excited for your future. Run to something rather than run from something. Embracing your future does not necessitate getting a divorce by the way.

Divorce splits assets and custody. That’s it.

If you need financial protection or security, then get it. If there is abuse or likewise, then get protection. Otherwise, leave the heavy lifting to the spouse who wants out. Maybe that’s you now. Might want to give that a few months to ensure you are acting on something deeper than feelings. Decisions based upon emotions will lead to regret.

Before completely upsetting the apple cart, speak to a lawyer. Ensure you know the best, worst, and most likely scenarios of outcome in all this. Knowledge is power.

Draw a line on disrespectful behavior and how you are to be treated. That applies beyond one’s spouse; it applies to everyone you interact with. That is a boundary.

Our problems arises when we overlay our ideas and expectations. Your spouse will not respond logically or rationally. They will respond emotionally. And that is why it takes so very long for them to find there way, as there emotions are all over the place. Even though the emotions are mostly hidden, they are consuming and always pushing.

Running is them trying to run from themselves. Some drink, do drugs, spend money, or sits alone and brood.

Your spouses journey is not about you. So don’t make it so.

You’ve found indifference. Now find YOU. Your convictions. Your journey. A great opportunity while the noise of your spouse is muted.