Living With WAW 4

[DW17]

D, your advice is once again appreciated. You have a way of getting me to remove emotion from the equation. It does feel like she's testing her grip. I will stay consistent with my decisions and remain cordial.

[Ready2Change]

This morning she sent a text asking me what is the point of having 2 rental cars.

I’d recommend saying nothing.

Good advise.

Soooo, If she asks in person, I love "miss interpreting the question" as part of my humor.
"So you don't have to walk everywhere" Big smile, and wink, and strut away to do something else.

Do not take things serious. Hold your ground on your decisions, do not debate, be funny...and don't be boring.

[Kind18]

I’d recommend saying nothing.

As usual, DNJ is 100% right. You made your choice for you, you communicated it clearly, from that point on - radio silence. Let her throw her toys out of the pram.

What is with us LBS feeling like we have to respond to bad behaviour? We’ve spent our whole relationship playing nice and trying to placate our spouse. It can be very difficult to fight the urge to respond … some people think that it will be seen as adversarial or manipulative. But you don’t need to worry about what this person thinks of you any more, because if she’s having an affair with someone else, her opinion of you couldn’t possibly get any lower than it is 🤷‍♂️

Fight the urge to respond or be nice. You’ve clearly communicated what you want, time for her to hitch up her big girl skirt and be an adult.

Oh…. And her calling you an A-hole - that’s actually a great sign. She’s not mad at you, she’s mad that she can’t manipulate you like she used to be able to.

Your behaviour - cool, calm, measured, reasonable adult who makes good decisions FOR YOU and communicates them clearly
Her behaviour - to be frank, who gives a s***! Not your problem.

[DW17]

Here’s an update to what’s been going on the past week.

W started filling out the D paperwork again. It was in response to her getting upset that we aren’t staying together or sharing a rental car this upcoming weekend. Basically, she was throwing a fit. I know her plan was to have the paperwork filled out by 2/10. That didn’t happen so who knows.

When W was filling out the paperwork, it was in the dining room while D18 was doing her homework and I was making dinner. She kept making comments to get a reaction, but I didn’t bite. Both times she’s filled them out it was right in front of D18. D18 is great about ignoring things, but I worry about what she may be keeping in. I check with her about how she’s feeling with everything every few days and she says she’s fine but can’t wait until she's off to college and doesn't have to play mom for D5 on top of juggling school, sports, work, friends, etc. It feels like she’s just holding in her emotions until she doesn’t have to deal with this anymore. Not sure if that’s healthy or not, but I’ve been talking with my IC about how to help her with that.

One new change from the parenting plan compared to the one W filled out previously is that she changed it to 50/50, but wants D5 for all bdays, Christmas and “adoption day” (we celebrate the day we finalized our adoption). I’m glad it’s more reasonable than the first attempt, but that’s still not going to work for me. And her actions this morning made me wonder if I should be pushing for a larger portion of custody.

W went out last night and did not come home. Whatever, I’m used to that now. But today I had to be at work at 5 and earlier in the week I made arrangements for D5 to be watched in case W wasn’t able to. W got offended at the suggestion she wouldn’t be able to watch D5 and said something like “She’s my kid, I am capable of taking care of her.” This was several days ago. I assumed this meant she would be home by the time I left for work, but she wasn’t. Instead, D18 is stuck watching her and was never asked to. D18 and I talked about it last night, anticipating W not coming home, but it’s still incredibly frustrating. W has always been a great mom until the past 8 months, but her actions make me question whether she actually is capable of taking care of D5. D5 complains or cries to me almost daily about W not spending time with her or not being around. If W’s current mental state continues post-D, I do not want this woman caring for my child.

I’m not sure if anyone else has been in the same boat. If so, did your exW snap out of her bad parenting post-D, or continue a downward spiral? Should someone dealing with depression and everything else my W is going through right now be granted 50/50 custody? The advice I’ve received from a few people is to push for what I want, not what I think is fair. I’ll talk with my L about this also, but I’m just curious what others may have experienced.

On a more positive note, still GALing the best I can. Last weekend I took D5 to ride her bike across a local bridge and we went to a Daddy Daughter dance with D7 and had a lot of fun. Ran into some people I hadn’t seen in a long time. I got some new clothes which is always nice. I went out with a buddy to watch another friend’s band play. Slacked on reading this week but planning on reading a bunch today. Finished week 9 of my half marathon prep. Probably time to actually sign up for a race. I tweaked something in my knee yesterday, I think from not stretching after my run. I hope it heals up quick. I’m getting ready to have a blast at D18’s tournament next weekend. Still not sure if she’ll be healthy enough to play, but I am going either way. W is worried about how awkward it’ll be, but I’m choosing to embrace the awkwardness. I hope everyone had a great week!

[LH19]

D I’m a big believer in 50/50 custody unless a parent is deemed unfit. My guess is your stbxw knows you will pick up the slack so that’s why she’s acting that way right now. I would call her on her bs right now when she’s not being responsible. Obviously post D if she is endangering your children you can revisit your options.

[BL42]

DW17,

Sounds like you're handling your emotions well through a very difficult situation. Good job.

W started filling out the D paperwork again. It was in response to her getting upset that we aren’t staying together or sharing a rental car this upcoming weekend. Basically, she was throwing a fit.

I think you know this but I'll say it anyway...she's going to do what she's going to do regardless of what decision you make for the weekend away. Don't let her convince you she's decided on the divorce because of that. The thing is the LBS is scared of D and wants to keep the family together, but once the WAS/WS goes through with the D the "worst" has happened to the LBS and the WAS/WS loses all power - no more "I'll D you!" care to play. Let her throw her fits; you stay strong, calm, and collected.

When W was filling out the paperwork, it was in the dining room while D18 was doing her homework and I was making dinner.

Both times she’s filled them out it was right in front of D18.

Ridiculous behavior to do everything she's doing, but especially filling out D paperwork and making sly comments in front of D18. WAS/WS are completely 100% selfish.

She kept making comments to get a reaction, but I didn’t bite.

Good for you.

D18 is great about ignoring things, but I worry about what she may be keeping in. I check with her about how she’s feeling with everything every few days and she says she’s fine but can’t wait until she's off to college and doesn't have to play mom for D5 on top of juggling school, sports, work, friends, etc. It feels like she’s just holding in her emotions until she doesn’t have to deal with this anymore. Not sure if that’s healthy or not, but I’ve been talking with my IC about how to help her with that.

I'd be concerned about her leaving for college after all this. It's a big transition for anyone to handle, without going through the drama of her mom. Smart to engage an IC.

One new change from the parenting plan compared to the one W filled out previously is that she changed it to 50/50, but wants D5 for all bdays, Christmas and “adoption day” (we celebrate the day we finalized our adoption).

Well that's obviously not going to happen. 50/50 is the standard. Every other or split the days, but she's delusional to think she'll get every Holiday.

I’m glad it’s more reasonable than the first attempt,

Agreed. Making progress in that sense...

but that’s still not going to work for me.

Good. You know your rights and are standing up for them. Don't let her bully you into a bad agreement.

And her actions this morning made me wonder if I should be pushing for a larger portion of custody.

Document it.

W went out last night and did not come home. Whatever, I’m used to that now. But today I had to be at work at 5 and earlier in the week I made arrangements for D5 to be watched in case W wasn’t able to. W got offended at the suggestion she wouldn’t be able to watch D5 and said something like “She’s my kid, I am capable of taking care of her.” This was several days ago. I assumed this meant she would be home by the time I left for work, but she wasn’t.

Lessons learned. She's taught you can't be depended on even for child care - act accordingly moving forward.

Instead, D18 is stuck watching her and was never asked to. D18 and I talked about it last night, anticipating W not coming home, but it’s still incredibly frustrating.

That is incredibly frustrating.

W has always been a great mom until the past 8 months, but her actions make me question whether she actually is capable of taking care of D5. D5 complains or cries to me almost daily about W not spending time with her or not being around.

I remember my S5 crying looking out the window because "he just wanted to see mommy on mothers day" but she's was staying somewhere else having "her own time". Not sure I'll ever forget that one.

If W’s current mental state continues post-D, I do not want this woman caring for my child.

Unfortunately you may not have a choice.

I’m not sure if anyone else has been in the same boat. If so, did your exW snap out of her bad parenting post-D, or continue a downward spiral?

So DW17, my ExW was a good mom to S4 and D1 until BD. Then she would have to "work early" or "work late" do odd shifts and the next day while I had to work basically sleep half the day and just turn on movies for the kids. The first year after she moved out the kids came back several times without bathing for the full week, she would give them chocolate for breakfast, and pass them off on me giving up her time if she wanted to go away with OM2. Things that were ridiculous to normal responsible parents, but wouldn't merit any court judgement against 50/50 (they seem to have more pressing concerns with drug and physical abuse, unfortunately). But she seems to have come around on that front. Is a lot more engaged with bathing, homework, having her full time with them...etc. So I think to answer your question it's possible your W might revert back to the mother she was and start being more responsible for your kids at some point. But who knows. It's a case by case basis I think. My ExW's path doesn't mean your W will act the same.

The advice I’ve received from a few people is to push for what I want, not what I think is fair.

I think the better advice is to push for what's best for the kids, not what you want. Now maybe those align, but try to step away your hurt and betrayal and personal view of the situation and always with every decision you make think "Is this what's best for the kids?". Sometimes it'll hurt you a bit, but you have to take the high road and think what's right for them. Not that you aren't. Clearly you're the responsible party that's doing better for them than W right now. Just saying that should be the standard.

Should someone dealing with depression and everything else my W is going through right now be granted 50/50 custody?

I’ll talk with my L about this also, but I’m just curious what others may have experienced.

Talk with L about what's even possible. Do you even have grounds for more than 50/50? And, if so, than think really hard about what's best for the kids. If you truly believe in your heart she can't care for them than go for more than 50/50.

Good stuff on the GAL. D5 biking, D7 dance, new clothes, friend's band, half marathon prep...well done. Enjoy D18's tournament...socialize with the families and embrace the awkwardness...love it!

[DW17]

D I’m a big believer in 50/50 custody unless a parent is deemed unfit.

Things that were ridiculous to normal responsible parents, but wouldn't merit any court judgement against 50/50 (they seem to have more pressing concerns with drug and physical abuse, unfortunately).

This does make sense. It’s tough to accept on days when she does crap like this. I’ll spend more time thinking it through. I just hope she decides to parent again at some point. She volunteered to raise this child. It’s a complete disservice to D5 for her to not be the best parent possible. MLC is a mess.

Lessons learned. She's taught you she can't be depended on even for child care - act accordingly moving forward.

Yup. I checked in with D18 this morning to make sure D5 was doing okay. W got home around 8am and went straight to bed. W couldn’t even be depended on once she got home. I won’t put D5 or D18 in that position again.

[DnJ]

Hello DW

Folks in MLC usually become terrible parents.

Along with me and the other things my XW tossed aside like used clothes, were our four children. She has basically provided nothing during the past six years. Just dump and run. She missed birthdays and other special/important dates. When OM’s son had his car roll-over accident, she told the four kids - face to face during a visit - how she almost lost a child. How she almost lost “her” child. Imagine that! Telling your own children something like that. What a thing to hear from one’s own mother. She caused a commotion at our son’s wedding social when trying to manipulate them into “having to” invite OM to the wedding. And she continues to prevent early access to their inheritance monies. All kids are/have attended university; with tuition being one of the very things spelled out for such an early withdrawal. The two eldest just waited until the mandatory release age of 23. My third son will reach 23 this year. Daughter is turning 21 this year.

She stalked her daughter to and from school. Even confronted her in the hallway, in front of her classmates. Attacking her about her boyfriend. W flirted with the high school boys during the track meet. She parked at my property’s edge and watched son and daughter as they got home and went to work. She even entered my home and snooped about, until I started to lock the door. (Small town. )

Lots of desperate and depressed behaviour from her over the past years. And no parenting really. She is more a teenager herself. All our kids now being older than she acts/behaves.

That all being said, presently there are some small signs of XW trying to do the right thing. She hasn’t actually done “the right thing” yet; just affirmed her intent to, to daughter.

I do believe folks can find their way out of their abyss. For some, that is a very long road. I’d think they’d feel a bit like Rip Van Winkle awakening once they got their fog cleared away.

DW, all you can do is be Dad. To be your best. You are likely to have the lion’s share of responsibilities and care and support and so on. It’s hard, and very much fulfilling and worthy. Be the living example to, and for, your kids.

D

[DW17]

Wow D, I can't imagine dealing with all of that. I only know of a few people who I believe went through MLC and they did become pretty bad parents. I hope W changes, but I will continue to expect nothing and make sure the kids are taken care of.

[DnJ]

Hi DW

For what it’s worth, I’d keep doing what you’re doing. Keep the ball in her court. Let her own her choices.

Her current flurry does appear to be her acting up from not getting her own way. Pffft. Oh well. Let her sort through and fill out whatever documents she feels like. If she pushes the divorce ball further along, you know your rights, and you will seek legal counsel before responding.

Keeping the business side business, and leading with compassion on the other path, is a pretty good way of dealing with things.

I think you’re doing good DW. Keep it up.

D