Living With WAW 4

[Mach1]

So I'm gonna ask you this, because I don't do the whole day by day thing....

She fired you as her Husband...

She wants out of the marriage..

She continually lies to you...

She is actively involved in an affair...



And you think that paying for, and spending the weekend in a Hotel room with her, is your best option ???


(I'm gonna be over here in the corner, eating soup with a fork, waiting for an answer that makes sense )

[DW17]

Well, when you put it that way lol.

We would have been splitting the costs for the hotel/car but that’s a moot point now. I'm not going down that road. Just needed to be talked out of it while my thoughts were starting to veer. So I appreciate it.

I have not talked with W about any of this. She's complained about a few things and mentioned she needs to get a hotel. That’s her problem, not mine.

[Mach1]

Well, when you put it that way lol.

We would have been splitting the costs for the hotel/car but that’s a moot point now. I'm not going down that road. Just needed to be talked out of it while my thoughts were starting to veer. So I appreciate it.

I have not talked with W about any of this. She's complained about a few things and mentioned she needs to get a hotel. That’s her problem, not mine.

Is there another way to put it ?

I dunno...

There isn't anything to talk about....

And if she assumes that you are gonna snuggle up and watch cartoons....well, that's on her...

You are giving her exactly what she has asked for...

Which, BTW, is gonna pi$$ her off too....

So, she's jacked up either way...

Would you rather her be upset with you working toward you, or her ??

If you go into that shared room, she is gonna turn the heat up because she is going to assume that you are expecting sex..even if you aren't.


I'm gonna vote for a nice peaceful weekend with you eating M&M's on the vibrating bed, alone, in your SpongeBob PJ's.....

: )

[Ready2Change]

I've got a something I could use some advice on. D18 has an out of state soccer tournament in a few weeks. Airplane tickets are already paid for and I've booked a hotel. A few weeks ago W asked if we were booking together or separate and I said separate..... D18 injured her leg in practice last week and we aren’t sure she will even be able to play. If she can’t play, I’m not going,

My 2 cents:

During my volleyball dad days, The injured girls still went and watched and supported the other girls by cheering on the sidelines. Same if they had bad grades. Bad grades= not play buy still sit on the sideline and support the other girls. I strongly suggest you go no matter what. Have a great time with your daughter and the other parents. Some of the best times we had were drinking with the other parents in the hotel rooms. Don't be boring.


As far as your words "I said separate"...have some resolve on your word and boundaries. You made a decision, it really should change unless you made a mistake and it was the wrong decision. Your gut will tell you if it is the right decision.

[DW17]

You are giving her exactly what she has asked for...

This is something I need to keep in mind. She asked for this. She wants a divorce. She wants relationships with people other than me. She does not get to cake eat too.

Eating M&M's alone on the bed in pajamas is pretty similar to W's daily routine. I'd rather be out socializing and having drinks at the team's hotel down the street or exploring the area. I enjoy checking out places I've never been, so I'm pretty excited.

[DW17]

R2C, thanks for your input. And I agree, I said separate for a reason and I shouldn't back away from that.

As far as still going even if D18 doesn't play, I see where you're coming from. The tournaments she's played in where we have had to stay in hotels are some of my favorite memories of her playing soccer. And you're right, drinks in the bar/rooms/whatever outdoor space we could find were always a lot of fun. I know it will be fun. I'll keep thinking about it.

[LH19]

I'd rather be out socializing and having drinks at the team's hotel down the street or exploring the area. I enjoy checking out places I've never been, so I'm pretty excited.

If you a put 100% focus on this........

This is something I need to keep in mind. She asked for this. She wants a divorce. She wants relationships with people other than me. She does not get to cake eat too.

and 0% focus on this.........

Eating M&M's alone on the bed in pajamas is pretty similar to W's daily routine.

and this...........

You will be fine within a year. You go the other way with it and you will continue to suffer immensely.

[BL42]

R2C do you respond like that to ExW? Wonder if you practice on her just to make her wonder what she threw away.

Short answer is we do not interact. I have been in a committed relationship for 12+ years. I believe it would be disrespectful to my lady.

Makes sense R2C, I respect that. Good answer.

She does not take accountability for her faults and likely never will. She does not love herself. I do not trust her to ever put in the work required for self-improvement.

This is the most accurate statement you’ll ever find on this website.

All of us who arrive here share the same pathology.

We are committed to our relationship, we are prepared to fix, improve, practice, reset and work on ourselves and our relationship.

Our partners are not. Either because of an affair, or MLC, or trauma or any other reason.

So we have a dynamic where one person is in, and one person is out. The person who is out, however, doesn’t want it to be their fault. They don’t want to look themselves in the mirror and see a bad person.

So they blame us, and being fixers, we end up here at DB.com desperately seeking answers, living in fear and trying work out what to say/do/be.

It is VERY rare to find someone who comes here who was a genuinely BAD and terrible spouse.

While you could probably count on one hand the number of LBS here whose spouse weren’t in an active affair (EA or PA), you’ll find it even less likely for a WAS/WS to accept responsibility for treating us poorly, breaking their vow or hurting their kids’ future.

It’s just the way it is. I wouldn’t say she “likely never will” take accountability for her her faults… I’d say you’re more likely to win a $100million dollar lottery.

LBS who accept this will be much happier.

Great post, Kind18.

I'd rather be out socializing and having drinks at the team's hotel down the street or exploring the area. I enjoy checking out places I've never been, so I'm pretty excited.

If you a put 100% focus on this........

This is something I need to keep in mind. She asked for this. She wants a divorce. She wants relationships with people other than me. She does not get to cake eat too.

and 0% focus on this.........

Eating M&M's alone on the bed in pajamas is pretty similar to W's daily routine.

and this...........

You will be fine within a year. You go the other way with it and you will continue to suffer immensely.

Great post, LH19

DW17 - How's D18's leg doing? Hope it heels and you get to go on the trip. A lot of times we speculate about the details of making something go perfectly in the future and then those anxieties or fears don't come to fruition anyway. I vote go, have a blast with the other families and continue to cultivate your relationship with D's friends and their family. Let W eat M&Ms alone if she wants and don't give worry about her logistics one bit.

[DW17]

I’m glad I got some sense knocked into me yesterday regarding the upcoming travel plans because W asked about it last night. She asked me if we are getting separate rental cars in addition to hotels. I just reiterated that I will take care of my own plans and she can make her own arrangements. She got upset, stormed away, called me a selfish a-hole, and mumbled some other things before shutting the door.

This morning she sent a text asking me what is the point of having 2 rental cars. I’m not sure the best way to answer. I could ignore it, but she’ll ask again at some point. I want to lay it all out like Mach1 did for me yesterday but I don’t know if that’s the most productive way to handle it.

I’m thinking something straight to the point like “You are getting ready to divorce me and you’re cheating on me. That’s why I want a separate rental car.”

Any thoughts?

[DnJ]

Good Morning DW

I’d take separate cars, and for sure separate accommodation.

You are getting ready to divorce me and you’re cheating on me. That’s why I want a separate rental car.

This is what is going on; not a why for your direction/decision.

Why would you go separately? Consider:

I just reiterated that I will take care of my own plans and she can make her own arrangements. She got upset, stormed away, called me a selfish a-hole, and mumbled some other things before shutting the door.

She’s checking to see just how much of a grip she has on you. If you are still sitting there on the shelf.

I don’t know if that’s the most productive way to handle it.

The most productive way is through consistent demonstrated behaviour. You live better not bitter.

The medium is the message, much more than your words.

So, do you want separate cars because you are angry? Or hurt? Or is it a ploy? Or because folks here told you to? Or you think it’s the right thing to do? Or because you aren’t sure what to do? Probably a mixture of many reasons.

Focus on you. Why do you want separate cars?

Most (all?) of your answers/reasons would likely not benefit your situation in telling her. She will just rebel against them. Remember her last night’s immature name calling and storming away.

What if this was another parent? And they just blasted you last night. Would you share a ride to save a few bucks? Or would you tell them get stuffed? Or would you just go about your business?

The root cause, in my view, is because of how she is treating you.

“My friends don’t treat me the way you do.”

I found that to be a pretty good mantra and reason and benchmark and life line going through my situation.

You remain kind and cordial. Angry responses won’t do you any good. You behave friendly, yet with the understanding and awareness that you are not currently friends.

Believe me, you can love someone and not like them.

People will treat you as you allow them. Do not allow W to treat you that way. Boundaries with consequences. Accountability. Reap what she (and you too) sows.

I’d recommend saying nothing.

From last night:

I just reiterated that I will take care of my own plans and she can make her own arrangements.

Clear and straightforward. No need to tell her again.

D