Going dark feels like pressure

[Bat]

Hello B

I’m not sure what you mean, his past r with me or before me?

I’m referring to the past relationship dynamics that are stirring up the present emotional troubles within him. That is before you even knew him. Basically from his parents. Those teen years he is exhibiting.

He did say he feels 15 again and not in a fun way, but in a way he needs to make up for all the rejection he felt this period of his life.

H needs a do over for this time in his life. He did not get to build proper emotional mechanisms and coping strategies for life’s storms and problems. Life happens, H gets overwhelmed, and he goes off the deep end.

It’s uncanny how these emotionally troubled folks will recreate their traumatic events of their childhood. In this case, H needs to rebel against his parent(s). He has crafted his OW into that parental role. One can see how much control he has given OW. In time, and with some fortuitous karmic fate, he will rebel against her. And in doing so, he will grow up. His trouble isn’t really about needing a child. That’s just another symptom/sign.

It’s strange that 14 years with me didn’t make up for that.

Not at all. You didn’t break him. So you can’t fix him.

H, for a lot of the present, is emotionally back to when he was 15. Some interesting things happen when someone is “living” in the past so fully. H didn’t know you when he was 15. You and he were not married when he was 15. So, now, present day, emotionally, when all consumed and being 15, he doesn’t feel anything towards or about you. He knows you. Just doesn’t feel it. And that mixed up, confused view of his shows through.

H is a troubled soul. His pain and journey started long before he ever met you, and has basically nothing do with you or the last 14 years.

And not tell him but show him i am not waiting but moving on with my life.

Absolutely. Yes.

Move forward with your life. Do your inner work. Become the best version of yourself - Bat2.0!

D

Thank you for this. I do still feel like analysing helps me a lot to understand. I’ve been reading on the mlc board and found this;

So little is really known about MLC - apart from having the almost universal denominator of a seriously strange upbringing together with a personality that does not cope well with failure or change (probably because their upbringing didn't give them coping skills.

This is also what you are saying.

After BD he did mention he needed a do over for his teen years. We read somewhere that in your teens you start to explore what kind of partner you want and you try with different people. Sexually and emotionally. He didn’t have this period, he had cancer and right after that a gf who cheated on him. Then he was exploring online with girls from all over the world, but never really met up with any of them, started to like … girls and then he met me and stayed with me until now. So this period was never really experienced and closed. This is why I said go ahead sleep with her he was convinced he would close it afterwards. But he’s not done yet, hopefully soon and hopefully we can fix what is broken.

What surprises me is that you said H puts OW in the parental role and needs to rebel against her. I thought he would be rebelling against me. To take away this pressure i tell him you are free to do what you want. To others this may come across as being a doormat but I think it helps. I don’t ask where he is going or who’s texting etc. Yesterday he was sending me his location so I knew where he was. I thought this was a strange action. I am at other side of the world now, I know he’s about to dive into a r with ow and to move out. Why would you want me to know where you are?. I ignored it, didn’t even say don’t need to know, but laughed about it.

[bttrfly]

So many newcomers feel like if they are nice to their spouse they can win them back.

This isn't something you can "nice" away.

He has to go through his process, whatever that is and however long that takes.

You, the LBS, have to also go through your own process.

Start going through your process by focusing on yourself and your own next steps, completely separate from your H.

There is much to learn in the MLC thread. I applaud you for reading the wise words found there.

[Bat]

Update.
Yesterday he texted me about the fertility test. The whole baby thing is not going to happen. He is very depressed now and realises that it wasn’t even about a child it is about wanting to have a “normal” life. Having the same things what other men have. Being mad at his parents that they didn’t push him to ensure his chances at having kids when it was still possible (before chemo).
Talking about death a lot, how he should have died back then, and that his life is over, better luck next life. He also said something has changed, he can’t watch porn anymore. Something snapped. I hope something will change with OW now, that she not that attractive anymore now there won’t be a baby.

I only listened and validated. Later I sent him a picture of me literally enjoying my picnic. Not to show of I sent him pictures of my food all the time, but the picnic story was in my head when I was eating and I felt good.

[Kind18]

Update.
Yesterday he texted me about the fertility test. The whole baby thing is not going to happen. He is very depressed now and realises that it wasn’t even about a child it is about wanting to have a “normal” life. Having the same things what other men have. Being mad at his parents that they didn’t push him to ensure his chances at having kids when it was still possible (before chemo).
Talking about death a lot, how he should have died back then, and that his life is over, better luck next life. He also said something has changed, he can’t watch porn anymore. Something snapped. I hope something will change with OW now, that she not that attractive anymore now there won’t be a baby.

I only listened and validated. Later I sent him a picture of me literally enjoying my picnic. Not to show of I sent him pictures of my food all the time, but the picnic story was in my head when I was eating and I felt good.

1. This validates my earlier assessment that he needs mental health intervention. Have you told him that? Offered to book something? Provided him with links to counsellors in your area?

2. He can’t watch porn any more? Sounds like sex addiction to me.

3. I don’t know why you are validating. You should not be listening to this BS. Imagine a spouse validating their partner’s loss of interest in porn 🤯

4. Don’t get your hopes up. Now that babies are off the table, he’s not suddenly going to fall back into your arms and ditch OW for a happily ever after. I expect things to get worse now, not better.

[bttrfly]

yes, I agree with Kind. He absolutely needs mental health intervention.

[Bat]

No i did not validate his loss of interest in porn. I was about the cancer he had in his teens why he now has this fertility problem amongst other medical issues and how his parents handled it. And about not having a “normal life”, he has a lot of medical issues and this makes him feel like a loser.

It is all about not having the same things in life that other men like his brother and friends do have. And they show off a lot that they have kids, good health and money. That’s what I validated not the fact he can’t watch porn or have a baby with ow. The porn is about not feeling a man, about masculinity he sees these men and compares himself to them and again, feels a loser. These things are symptoms, not the real problem.

I don’t think it will be happily ever after. But I do have hope ow suddenly isn’t that appealing anymore. He left yesterday to her country in a depressed mood. This trip was meant to see if the vibe was still there from when they met before in oct. I hope the vibe is not there anymore now he feels like this. To put it very directly, if he can’t get it up because he feels he’s a loser, that could be a mood killer. She won’t understand because he will never tell her all of this, so this mood change can cost friction between them and that’s what we need to end this A.

And I hope he comes home so yes I can encourage him to get help. This will not be the end or happily ever after but the beginning of dealing with a depression that had been there for many many years, since his early teens.
I told him he should get help but he said yes but not now. He first wants to fix his sleeping issues and find out what this obsession with her means. I totally don’t agree, think he should find help for this obsession instead of seeing where it will bring him, but he’s not ready, What can I do? I try to be a safe place for him and put my own interest on the side for now. I will think about getting more proactive, that could be a 180 because I never did that.

[Bat]

He’s now on holiday with ow. I know this has to happen to let the A run its course but it’s hard. Had trouble sleeping knowing he’s with her.
It’s also hard to let go of possible outcomes, good and bad. I focus on my breathing and keeping myself busy. But my mind keeps going back to with if this and that would happen.

[BL42]

Bat,

I don’t think it will be happily ever after.

Based on what you described I highly doubt this affair will be "happily ever after" for H and AP. However, that also does not mean you and H will either.

He’s now on holiday with ow. I know this has to happen to let the A run its course but it’s hard. Had trouble sleeping knowing he’s with her.
It’s also hard to let go of possible outcomes, good and bad. I focus on my breathing and keeping myself busy. But my mind keeps going back to with if this and that would happen.

I know exactly how you're feeling, and it's horrible. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. As hard as it is, you need to get your mind off of it. That's why things like exercise, GAL, IC, focusing on yourself...etc. is so important. Lots of focus and speculation and hope and fears about H in your posts...what about yourself? What are you doing for YOU?

[Bat]

Well I know this is how I communicate, focus on the negative. This was an issue jn our r, I realised this recently. Talking about positive things feels like showing of to me, but I have to learn to talk about that.
I’m also on holiday, i go out for walks, go out for meals and coffee, did several yoga classes, cooking class and art class. And of course relax, read, watch series on my phone and go swimming. Not to much sightseeing because I’ve been to this destination before but will do a trip to the mountains in upcoming days.
At home I go to the gym, walk with and without the dog, do a webdesign course. So lots of things.

And to be completely honest, I do think we will be happy again, bit not with him dropping ow and falling back in my arms, I know it’s not that easy. Maybe I also focus on the negative with this story and H looks like this selfish person. But this is the first time he has ever done something selfish in his life. I’ve been reading on the mlc forum and read about spouses having crisis back to back. This sounds familiar, I haven’t been easy to live with for years.

[Bat]

He texted me the apartment is approved. And that he doesn’t want to hurt me but this (ow) is really what he wants.
Of course it hurts, but I know it’s what he thinks right now and the process he has to go through. But I wish I could skip this and move forward to the moment he does wake up from the fog.

I know you want to hear that I’ve been doing things for me, i did I’m still on holiday doing hikes and swimming etc and made plans to do some repair at the house when i get back.

About a week ago when he told me about the apartment we talked and he said I might wake up from this fog and regret. He said i need the apartment to be away from the house, the dog and you alle the things that cost me a lot of stress. He wants to work on his medical issues and he thinks that is when he maybe will have the energy to deal with ending the A etc. Of course now he’s with her he believes this is it, I don’t believe that this is it. I expected that he would be in this mindset, but I didn’t expect him to reach out to me so much, texting about what he is doing. Also read on this board reaching out doesn’t mean anything. Maybe I am to negative, but could this mean that he is not in the fog and that this r with ow is the real thing? Then why does he reach out to me, just to keep me as a friend? Sorry really need a bit of reassurance that I just need to be patient and keep gal, and that I’m right that things still could work out, in the long run.