Going dark feels like pressure

[Bat]

Thank you for responding. I did tell him that it’s a good thing to move out and be happy.

His response was he still is not sure what he wants and the offer for the apartment is coming too soon. I said ok then you don’t accept it’s your choice. I didn’t put any pressure on him and I already see this is working because then he starts crawling back, maybe they’ll reject me, maybe I don’t like the place or the vibe. I didn’t respond any other than it’s your choice.

I do understand all the advice and listen to it. Being away from him and only texting helps.

But I also see my best friend and love of my life struggling with his mental health, desperate to find a solution for being rejected by his family and in his mind, society. He expresses daily that what he really wants is the fog to lift and his obsession to go away. But he just is not able to stop it. And this OW is determined to get what she wants, a new life in Europe. She knows exactly what to do to make him do what she wants. This apartment thing is about her telling him he needs to have his own place. And about her telling him she’s not 100% sure only 80%. He’s afraid of loosing her and feels he needs to proof that he did everything to get an apartment but now it’s real he does start to panic. This 80% thing also got him more obsessed. When she said this he applied for the apartments but he didn’t think he would actually get an offer.

I know I have to let him go and let him hit rock bottom, while focusing on myself. But I am also worried because H did talk about suicide, and I know he is desperate. The approach of just dropping him is a bit scary to me, he’s very dependent of me. He only told one friend and this friend only said do what makes you happy. But i know H wants to proof himself to this friend, the having a child issue and also H told me he wanted “to give him the finger”. I didn’t really understand so asked H could only explain it that he wants to proof that he is able to get a real r with a … woman because nobody believes him. 15 year old speaking. Do you understand why I am worried about him?

[bttrfly]

Ok I never wrote what I did to GAL so let me add that to the conversation.

The fact that I don’t have friends doesn’t mean I sit around waiting for him to come home.

I had a burn out and lost my job so pre BD my days were filled with reading, painting, walking the dog, running errands, household, cooking (also my hobby), watching tv and doing fun things with H like eating out, going to movies etc. I did loose 10kg by eating healthier. I did have IC for about a year, ending with a diagnosis. This made me more depressed and I stopped. The diagnosis and BD 1 were about the same time.
Post BD 1we continued this but at the same time we both started gal with each other and on our own. Going to the gym, eating healthy (lost another 15kg), doing more new things together like going to museum. After BD 2, when he said I want her and will visit her and start r and then leave you, I started to really do things on my own and make plans without him. I booked the month long trip I’m on right now, went to museums on my own and to the movies. I also started an online course in webdesign, planning to build a future in which I can work online.

I need a lot of alone time to be honest. Getting friends would mean chitchatting and being social, this is not really something I enjoy spending my time and energy on.

Keep the awesome GAL activities going, which are yours and yours alone. Great job on the fitness/weight loss and web design course which will help you build a future.

You don't need a million friends. Just someone you can turn to other than your H ...

[bttrfly]

Do you understand why I am worried about him?

Yes.
At my BD, my husband had a medical condition that was not being treated appropriately by his doctor and was serious.

I really understand what you're saying.

That said, you can only do so much, and when it's to the detriment of your own mental and physical health, you need to step back and put the oxygen mask on yourself first (because the plane is going down, metaphorically speaking)

[DnJ]

She knows exactly what to do to make him do what she wants.

Yep.

I’m glad you see this.

It’s a strange thing to witness, these folks (your H) recreating past relationship dynamics (unrealized as it is), so they can hopefully grow up from them.

D

[bttrfly]

She knows exactly what to do to make him do what she wants.

Yep.

I’m glad you see this.

It’s a strange thing to witness, these folks (your H) recreating past relationship dynamics (unrealized as it is), so they can hopefully grow up from them.

D

It's too bad he can't see it himself.

[Ready2Change]

I do understand all the advice and listen to it. Being away from him and only texting helps.

The more you interact with him, the less likely he will miss you. Until he misses you, your relationship will not improve.

Really think about this quote and how you can apply it to your sitch right now:
“You are meant to lose the people you love. How else would you know how important they are to you?”― Benjamin Button, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

[Kind18]

Bat,

We have a thing at this forum called a 2x4 (which refers to a big long piece of construction timber, 2 inches by 4 inches). Sometimes we joke about people needing to get hit over the head with it, so they’ll wake up and see what everyone else is seeing.

I sorta feel like I need to dish one out to you… but don’t take it the wrong way, it comes from a place of love and kindness. We can see from your posts that you’re struggling. We all want the best for you.

Having said that, here it is:

1. As usual, bttrfly is right on the money. Divorce Busting is a book. It’s a technique. And lastly, it’s a support forum. It seems you’ve skipped all the steps and you’re just here looking for answers. What you need to do, is set apart three hours/day for a few weeks to do some homework. You MUST read cadet’s welcome thread. Read ALL the links contained within. You need to order the Divorce Busting book, and maybe the Divorce Remedy book too. At the top of this Newcomers sub forum, there’s a sticky post about good books to read. You need to read Michele’s books, and then choose five more. DB is not a website with quick fix answers. You need to go back to fundamentals and start from the start.

2. While you’re pretty new here, your posts are ALL about your husband and trying to analyse his behaviour. Lots of posters have given you good things to think about, but generally you keep coming back saying “husband did xyz, husband said xyz, husband is acting like this because…” in the end, it doesn’t really matter. There’s no silver bullet here. In fact, trying to understand our crazy spouse’s behaviour after bomb drop is a one way ticket to madness. He is doing what he is doing. You can’t change any of it. What this forum specialises in is helping YOU. What are your needs, what are your wants, what were your flaws in the relationship and how are you going to fix your side of the bargain.

3. Most of the time, posters arrive here and each new topic they start is 10 pages long, then they start a new one. Sometimes after the third or fourth new topic (so 3-400 replies about their situation), some of the problems become more obvious and the veterans on this site can see the unhealthy dynamic in the old relationship and provide advice. In your case, you were about two posts in when it became very clear to me that there’s some really unhealthy things going on here - including in the way you sometimes defend your husband’s, well frankly, sickening behaviour.

To that end, I’m going to reiterate that I think a lot of the dynamic here (such as his severe gaslighting of you) is beyond the scope of this forum’s help. Certainly for me, I don’t have the foggiest idea where to start in addressing some of the issues here because they’re WAY out of our depth. Perhaps the real veterans like Ready2Change, BL42, LH19, Job, DnJ (who are also just really lovely people) have seen this stuff before and can be helpful. But IMHO, your situation needs immediate and professional intervention.

I highly recommend you seek out psychological therapy for yourself.

In terms of your husband, you should suggest he do the same - but whether he does or not is not your problem to fix. He needs help, and dare I suggest it, but I feel really uncomfortable that he could potentially do something really stupid. What if you decide to move on and proceed with a divorce, and then his skanky OW dumps him? Who knows what someone in his situation might do if his bullsh*t fantasy of wife at home waiting and pining for him plus skanky foreign hoe on the side all comes crashing down. He doesn’t sound well at all.

Just to make it clear, I’m not suggesting you stop posting. Keep coming here every day and updating us, seeking advice, telling us about it all. We are your friends and that’s what we are here for.

In summary:

You need to tell him to get professional support and then forget about him. Stop analysing, stop making excuses for him, stop being his support blanket. He’s going to have to hitch up his big boy pants and look after his own dumpster fire while you retreat into and take care of yourself.

You need to start Divorce Busting at the start. Welcome thread - all the links - MWD’s books.

You and your husband need to be in therapy. There’s lots of red flags here. Prioritise it. And if you don’t like or click with the counsellor or psychologist, find a different one.

Best of luck.

[Bat]

She knows exactly what to do to make him do what she wants.

Yep.

I’m glad you see this.

It’s a strange thing to witness, these folks (your H) recreating past relationship dynamics (unrealized as it is), so they can hopefully grow up from them.

D

I’m not sure what you mean, his past r with me or before me? He did say he feels 15 again and not in a fun way, but in a way he needs to make up for all the rejection he felt this period of his life. It’s strange that 14 years with me didn’t make up for that. He was rejected by his gf and other girls (who isn’t at that age), and bullied by guys at school.
There was jealousy in the beginning of our r, but my reclusive way of living seemed to make him trust me.
With OW is think the obsession with calling and texting all the time is also about control, as long as she is spending her time on him she can’t be with an OM. At some point he said I think being friends with her is enough, it’s the talking about culture difference etc what I like, and you i love. But then it hit him, if i let her go she might find an om, and he got very mad thinking about this possibility. It’s more about other men than about her, very strange and yes, IC is needed.

But I have to stop analysing i know. Maybe one day if he regrets and wants to work on it i can help with analysing.

[Bat]

Thank you for all the responses I really appreciate and read everything several times. So if I don’t quote or respond to every comment is not that I didn’t read, just need to process it.

Update. Yesterday he started talking about the apartment more. I didn’t ask questions, let him do the talking. He said it’s mainly about the house and his anxiety. Combined with his medical issues that affects his sleeping. He also said that he had been reading about this condition (i know he is on a fb group about this subject) and learned that lack of sleep can cost depression and anxiety. In short the situation at home is that he is fighting to stay awake, being depressed and anxious about the house and the dog and I would get mad at him for sleeping on the couch every evening.
This has been a negative spiral for years and he needs to get out of it. He wants to work on the medical condition and after that get counselling.
It was a good talk, we both said nothing about OW. I do know she is not the reason she is a symptom. I did ask about finances, because he wants to move out for a year (the rent is a year), to find out what he wants. I did not ask or talk about coming back, the dynamics shifted he was the one talking about not thinking clear, probably having regrets when he does and coming back .He even joked about me moving in with him in the apartment. I did not response to that.

I did warn him to check a few things and have a plan financially. His anxiety is about not being able to afford things and getting a second house is in my opinion a big risk. His is willing to use his savings for this, instead of buying a motorcycle. Normally I shouldn’t have done this, but I already shared my worries, he might jump of that apartment building if he feels he can’t afford all of this.

This talk was proofing me he is not ok. He needs therapy and yes maybe being away will help him too.

But when I woke up this morning I was thinking about not believing what he says, only what he does. And he is building a new nest with her help. I do want this situation of a year of living apart and working on ourselves. But also a bit worried that I make things too easy for him. He does have me waiting at home for him and this will not bring him back. Maybe I should read about setting boundaries more? And not tell him but show him i am not waiting but moving on with my life.

[DnJ]

Hello B

I’m not sure what you mean, his past r with me or before me?

I’m referring to the past relationship dynamics that are stirring up the present emotional troubles within him. That is before you even knew him. Basically from his parents. Those teen years he is exhibiting.

He did say he feels 15 again and not in a fun way, but in a way he needs to make up for all the rejection he felt this period of his life.

H needs a do over for this time in his life. He did not get to build proper emotional mechanisms and coping strategies for life’s storms and problems. Life happens, H gets overwhelmed, and he goes off the deep end.

It’s uncanny how these emotionally troubled folks will recreate their traumatic events of their childhood. In this case, H needs to rebel against his parent(s). He has crafted his OW into that parental role. One can see how much control he has given OW. In time, and with some fortuitous karmic fate, he will rebel against her. And in doing so, he will grow up. His trouble isn’t really about needing a child. That’s just another symptom/sign.

It’s strange that 14 years with me didn’t make up for that.

Not at all. You didn’t break him. So you can’t fix him.

H, for a lot of the present, is emotionally back to when he was 15. Some interesting things happen when someone is “living” in the past so fully. H didn’t know you when he was 15. You and he were not married when he was 15. So, now, present day, emotionally, when all consumed and being 15, he doesn’t feel anything towards or about you. He knows you. Just doesn’t feel it. And that mixed up, confused view of his shows through.

H is a troubled soul. His pain and journey started long before he ever met you, and has basically nothing do with you or the last 14 years.

And not tell him but show him i am not waiting but moving on with my life.

Absolutely. Yes.

Move forward with your life. Do your inner work. Become the best version of yourself - Bat2.0!

D