What does it matter what he says? Is he a trustworthy person right now? He also said he’d get it out of his system once and then re-engage on marriage counselling. How did that work out for you? WS say anything to make hard conversations go away. I wouldn’t trust anything he says.
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Why do you think this?
Why do I think he’s many years away from waking up, if he does at all? That requires a fairly lengthy answer.
My divorce situation, which was remarkably similar to everyone else who lands here, has led me down a path where I now have a great interest in the psychology behind separation and divorce.
While lots of people bond on this website over similarities in the behaviour of crazy spouses (MLC, childhood trauma, blowing up their lives, affair partner after affair partner, swinging wildly from “this will never work” to “I want to make this work”)…. I find even more interest in the similarity of the types of people that arrive on this board.
Inevitably, there’s a large percentage of new arrivals here who fit a fairly standard mould - medium term relationship (10-20 years), mid thirties to mid fifties, people who have strong convictions about the sanctity of marriage … and people who, generally, are fixers and peacekeepers who feel incredibly uncomfortable at the prospect of life change.
Generally, they appear at this website with their first post, seemingly baffled that their partner has ended up walking away from the marriage. Then there’s the inevitable affairs (that they all strenuously deny at first), then there’s the short term embracing of DB principles (such as going dark) to try and push their partner to re-engage in the relationship, but often they only last a week or two on these strategies before cracking.
By far the most common theme I see here, is LBS who arrive with an over-inflated opinion of the goodness of their spouse. They’ll even make excuses for their spouse’s behaviour. “She couldn’t possibly be having an affair.” “We were a happy little family until OW blew it up.” “His behaviour isn’t really him, it’s rooted in MLC, or grief, or childhood trauma.” Or in your case “He just needed to get it out of his system, but underneath I still believe he’s a good person.”
The LBS (like you and me) and their passive behaviours over many years trying to keep everything the same, worsens the power balance in the relationship. So when the ticking time bomb finally explodes, the LBS thinks they just have to fix or pacify their WS even more than before to get the relationship back on the rails. That’s what’s worked previously, right?
The cold, harsh reality is that most likely, the old, nice person that you think is hiding under the affair or depression or MLC, was never really there in the first place.
In your case, your husband isn’t a great family guy with good morals who just needed to knock out a few foreign ladies to quench some sickening thirst. He’s actually been that person all along. So when you come here going “Will this affair just last a few months, I’m sure he’ll want to get back with me eventually” - I’m hugely sceptical.
Part of the the problem is that you can’t see this objectively, because you’ve built a life with this person and have spent 10+ years thinking that he’s someone he is not.
Sometimes, it can help if you re-frame it by looking from the outside in. I want you to do this exercise: Imagine your best friend and her husband. She takes you out for coffee, and sits you down and says:
1. Her husband started moving away from the relationship 2. At MC, she eventually agreed her husband could have sex once with someone else. 3. He promised to re-engage with MC straight after. 4. He has some sort of sick sexual pre-disposition or fantasy about women of a certain ethnicity 5. Once he got his way, he immediately back flipped and continues to sleep with other women.
What would you say to her? If she asked you if you thought it likely he would snap out of it in a few months and come running back 100% committed to the marriage, what would you say?
His behaviour is not suggestive of some sort of short term wobble. It’s suggestive of serious, long term character flaws and perhaps addictions which would likely take many years to fix, and only if he truly wanted to do something about it.
How’s your sleeping, exercising, GAL going?
It’s important you get into some IC asap. Do you have medical insurance? Or an employer EAP? Or live in a country where you can get government funded access to counselling?
I’m a bit worried about you stating you have no friends other than him. We will be your friends while you work on that 😁
I apologise for my scepticism, and it would make me very happy to be proven wrong when he comes crawling back in a month or two begging for your forgiveness. I’m really hopeful Bat that you come out the other side of this a better and stronger human. I have everything crossed for you that it works out for the best, no matter the outcome.
Competing with a fantasy is near impossible as long as the fantasy exists. A fantasy exists in the mind, free of the confines and pressures of real life. H’s fantasy will get more and more disrupted and fall apart as more and more of life injects into it. This cannot be by your hand. Any interference by you will be met with rebellion and invariably strengthen their bond.
Yes I think and hope when she moves over to our country things will start to get real. He actually thinks this will happen.
To clarify; H and I live in country a, OW in country b in this tropical part of the world, I’m on a month long trip to country c also in the tropical part of the world.
H will travel to country b in a few days to meet her. This was his idea and I think part of the fantasy. She hijacked his plans by making decision to book a ticket to our country a, at the same flight as his flight home, and to book a 3 month language course in our country incl an apartment. So after their holiday they will move to her airbnb. H looks forward to the holiday in country b, but is a bit hesitant to moving to the Airbnb with her. He doesn’t like the big city is it in, and he doesn’t like that she’ll be doing GAL in our country. Why? He is afraid he won’t get the attention he wants and that she’ll meet another guy in our country a to fulfill her dream of living in a western country. But that’s 15 years old H speaking. He knows chances are his fantasy will fall apart this period and he said I come home as soon as I can let go.
It’s not only about her GAL and being afraid she’ll find someone else. It’s also about habits in eating, household etc he thinks she’ll not accept him as he is.
My actions might be seen along the road you said. Yes that’s why I do think I should not push him away completely. That would make it to easy to feel sorry for himself and saying I screwed up she’s better off without me so now I have to move on and find OW 2-3-4 whatever. But I try to see the fine line between pushing away and going dim and focus on myself.
Last edited by DnJ; 01/18/2312:04 PM. Reason: Added [/quote].
Me 41 H 34 T 14 No kids 1 dog First BD 3-22 ILYBNILWY Second BD EA (LD online) comfirmed 6-22 PA 10-22 Moving out 1-23
He knows chances are his fantasy will fall apart this period and he said I come home as soon as I can let go.
1. You know how f****d up this is, right? It’s cringeworthy that a) he thinks it appropriate, and b) you have so little self respect you would let him treat you like this.
2. She won’t be the last one. When it falls apart, he’ll move onto the next one. And another one after that.
Your husband has serious character flaws and possible sex addiction problems.
Run, run away from him fast. And get yourself tested for STDs.
I should add that yes it started with him feeling he wasn’t man enough if I was his only partner in life. But then he did have the PA and he said it wasn’t about the sex anymore, it wasn’t even that special, with me it was more special but he was willing to give up on good sex if he had that “calm” feeling he experienced being with her. He didn’t particularly like the sex for reasons he shared with me but I won’t share here it’s not necessary. Just to let you know how close we are (were?), he even shared these details with me right after it happened and later on more details.
So maybe I created an image of a sex addiction and sleeping with multiple women but he doesn’t. It has only been me, and 2 times with her. That’s it, in his whole life. So no he’s not the sex addict it may sound like.
Last edited by Bat; 01/18/2307:38 AM. Reason: Typo
Me 41 H 34 T 14 No kids 1 dog First BD 3-22 ILYBNILWY Second BD EA (LD online) comfirmed 6-22 PA 10-22 Moving out 1-23
he said it wasn’t about the sex anymore, it wasn’t even that special, with me it was more special but he was willing to give up on good sex if he had that “calm” feeling he experienced being with her.
What a load of gas-lighting BS.
You deserve so much better than this, but it will take time for you to see it. One day you’ll re-read this and be filled with rage that a) he did this to you, and b) that you allowed it.
I can’t recommend highly enough that you immediately seek professional individual counselling or psychological support.
But then he did have the PA and he said it wasn’t about the sex anymore, it wasn’t even that special, with me it was more special but he was willing to give up on good sex if he had that “calm” feeling he experienced being with her.
It sounds like he's still saying he prefers her in a very twisted way. A very weird and disrespectful excuse to continue the affair. It's all very unfair to you.
Originally Posted by Bat
Just to let you know how close we are (were?), he even shared these details with me right after it happened and later on more details.
Did he volunteer these details or did you ask for them? How did you feel when he shared these details?
I really don't like the way he's treating you, Bat. He sounds extremely manipulative.
But then he did have the PA and he said it wasn’t about the sex anymore, it wasn’t even that special, with me it was more special but he was willing to give up on good sex if he had that “calm” feeling he experienced being with her.
It sounds like he's still saying he prefers her in a very twisted way. A very weird and disrespectful excuse to continue the affair. It's all very unfair to you.
He prefers the escapeism she offers him. The prospect of a whole new life, a house/apartment without responsibility (because it’ll be a rental instead of owning a house), a new gf who likes everything he does as says no painful history together, no financial responsibility because she’ll take care of that, in his mind other men will be jealous of him instead of other way around, combined with the looks he has always been dreaming about. She provides a constant feeling of being on holiday with her looks, way of talking and positive mindset. And maybe maybe even the possibility of having a baby which will earn him the respect of others.
Originally Posted by marching
Originally Posted by Bat
Just to let you know how close we are (were?), he even shared these details with me right after it happened and later on more details.
Did he volunteer these details or did you ask for them? How did you feel when he shared these details?
Both, at first in oct it was like a challenge he needed to complete, to sleep with 1 more woman in his life. We shared every detail and he thought about me all the time, even during it he thought about how he wanted to tell me about it. He didn’t enjoy it. But he did enjoy the time the were spending especially the public display of affection he got. This made up for his puberty gf rejecting him. As i said this A is 15 years old H. In a weird [censored] up way it also is a lot about how other men see him, about envy. He later showed me some pictures of their time together to proof how happy he was. I didn’t want to see her in the pictures he respected that. I was a bit worried about these pictures because he didn’t look happy but manic to me. This combined with some anger attacks that really are not like him, made me worry about a mental illness or even a brain tumor. He did have cancer before. But then I read about MLC and then I knew that that’s what it is.
Originally Posted by marching
I really don't like the way he's treating you, Bat. He sounds extremely manipulative.
Maybe. But I let him treat me like that so maybe I am the enabler.
Last edited by DnJ; 01/18/2301:02 PM.
Me 41 H 34 T 14 No kids 1 dog First BD 3-22 ILYBNILWY Second BD EA (LD online) comfirmed 6-22 PA 10-22 Moving out 1-23
Maybe. But I let him treat me like that so maybe I am the enabler.
Please don’t take the blame for this. That’s what he is grooming you to do.
Did you see my questions about getting help through your doctor, or EAP, etc? I see lots of red flags here and you need to prioritise getting psychological help.
Maybe. But I let him treat me like that so maybe I am the enabler.
Please don’t take the blame for this. That’s what he is grooming you to do.
Did you see my questions about getting help through your doctor, or EAP, etc? I see lots of red flags here and you need to prioritise getting psychological help.
Thank you I will. Seriously, I know I need that.
He would be the last person to say that I am to blame. There were several occasions that he was crying and begging me to just let him go because I deserve better. I refused to make it easy for him and told him you need to make the decision to leave for yourself. And I alone am responsible for staying, he never tried to manipulate me to stay. He did try to avoid making promises he couldn’t keep, i was the one pushing and asking what % he thinks he will come back or leave. And if it was more than 50% I stayed, the few times he said it’s maybe 25% so just let go I would keep pushing until I found something to hold on to. Even if it took a few days. So maybe I have been manipulating him to stay more than the other way around. I know you people here are on my side because I am the one asking for support. His story might sound different.
He isn’t at all having the time of his life and cake eating and laughing about it. His story would be that he just can’t control his feelings for OW because “just attracted to.. woman and if I was gay people would be supportive now it’s OW it’s bad”. And he is heartbroken about possibly losing his best friend and home. Not saying that it’s the truth but that’s his truth, not the manipulative, screwing around, gaslighting guy he may sound.
Me 41 H 34 T 14 No kids 1 dog First BD 3-22 ILYBNILWY Second BD EA (LD online) comfirmed 6-22 PA 10-22 Moving out 1-23
