New Year

[Rockon]

I’m afraid of W not seeing a viable option to heal and recommit to our M and build a completely new and healthy M. Not that I have any indication that she wants to so I don’t have unrealistic hope.

I am afraid that she will maybe down the road once it’s far gone wish she had tried and gotten some help.

[Rockon]

I think I find it hard to look honestly at my fears but I’m trying. I really am.

[marching]

I am afraid that she will maybe down the road once it’s far gone wish she had tried and gotten some help.

I understand feeling this way. I feel this way sometimes, too. We feel this way because we struggle with detaching. Despite H's horrible treatment of me and my anger and pain, I still find myself worried about him sometimes, even though he's fired me from this job. He's destroying his life and, frankly, embarrassing himself. It's hard to let go when we see people we love making awful decisions.

I don't have a solution for this, since I'm struggling with letting go. Two steps forward, one step back. Just want to validate.

[Kind18]

I don’t want to give up because I am not a quitter.

This is very common, particularly in men whose wives have left.

For many men, it hurts their pride terribly to have a failed marriage. They think their inability to fix or rectify it will show people that they are incapable, weak and a failure. It’s also why many men become depressed and reclusive after divorce, because they want to shut out the outside world and hide what they perceive as their failure from everyone around them.

I think, deep down, that’s what you’re struggling with.

Pride is a tricky thing… and I don’t think you should feel ashamed. You are doing a great job compared to most newbies, your GAL has been an example to all.

Take pride in that - and take pride in that you are no longer going to be a doormat to a very manipulative person.

I had pride and shame issues - right up until I realised that my ex was a cheat and a liar and a fraud, and then I ended up feeling incredibly proud of my patience, my resolve and my morality. I had absolutely zero to be ashamed about (other than the shame of letting someone treat me like that for far too long).

Let it go, mate ❤️

[Rockon]

Thanks for the support. I’m doing better than last time but it’s moment to moment hour to hour or day to day.

Heading into the hill going to have a great time. I am resisting becoming reclusive or being glued to the couch. Too much to live for. And if D happens I plan to have a great life!

[bttrfly]

this is going to sound harsh. it's not meant to. it's the unvarnished truth of the matter. ready? (yes that's my "brace yourself Bridget Irish foreplay DB 2x4 disclaimer")

What I am afraid of about divorce:
Really our kids being estranged from their mom and hurts from her. I have pain confusion disillusionment anger etc so I recognize I need healing but the hurts have already happened for me.

Part One:
your relationship with your kids is your business.

your wife's relationship with your kids is not your business.

read that again.

your job as their parent is to make sure your relationship with them is solid.

your job as their parent in this situation is the following:
1. don't parentify them
2. don't interfere in any way with their relationship with their mother - no roadblocks, no efforts to smooth anything over either.
3. basically don't create a crisis and don't try to fix one.
4. if a crisis happens, be their dad. they will need that.

Part Two
Don't confuse or project your feelings about the state of your marriage with how your children may or may not feel about it.

It's really important for you to detach.

Our kids are each dealing with things in their own way and they are smart and probably understand or assume a lot more than I am talking about with them. I imagine each of them being hurt deeply if we D.

that's just it, you're imagining. you don't know. they may be relieved that at least the other shoe has finally fallen. they may be angry, sad, any number of things. those feelings are theirs to own, and not yours to protect them from feeling.

What is your responsibility here is helping them process it all in a healthy way, being there when they need you and even when they don't. . . just knowing they can count on you no matter what. they will know this by the way you act towards them and others.

I don’t think that D is necessarily the worst outcome or the wrong one but I don’t want it and believe it to be awful, terrible and sad.

It is awful, terrible and sad. You will process it, feel all those things ... which, btw, you're already feeling, and you will get to the other side. Once there, you'll wonder how you ever tolerated certain behaviors, you will re-discover yourself and become stronger than you ever imagined.

I don't think the sadness will ever end completely, but it may become wistfulness rather than the deep ache you feel today.

I don’t want to give up because I am not a quitter.

You didn't quit. She did.

I don’t want to regret. I guess I am afraid of regret.

Regrets, we've all had a few, but then again, too few to mention. Minimize your regrets. You may not be able to stop this D ... if that's the case, what do you need to do to minimize the damage to yourself and your kids? Analyze your potential regrets and what you can do to minimize them. Risk assess the hell out of it. Do your best. At least you'll go down knowing you did everything you could.

I’m afraid of displeasing God.

I can't and wouldn't presume to speak for God, but I believe that keeping your vows in the face of what you've dealt with has already scored you points with the big Guy.
Are you Catholic? If so I've got something for you to read. LMK.

I am afraid of taking the “easy” way out tho I don’t think any of this is easy.

What's easy here? Not a damn thing. She's the one taking the easy way out - she's running rather than digging in and doing the hard work to fix it.

I’m afraid of hurting my parents and siblings and friends. Not out of shame but because they love us so much.

Yes, they will be hurt. There's no way around that. But they will also show you incredible love and support if you let them. Your relationships will deepen through this. Don't deprive them of the honor of being there to support you and the kids - people they love dearly.

I’m afraid of having less to give our kids and grandkids.

Yup. That's grey divorce. All you can do is the best you can. That includes making sure there's minimal financial damage while you're still married, so there will be more for you to live on post D. Your kids have their entire lives to earn money. You are on the other side of that, my friend.

You will find a way.

Hey, Rock --- what's a more important legacy for your kids? money, property? living as a power of example of honorable conduct in the very worst of situations? teaching them that a parent's love doesn't waver, no matter what?

you decide.

I’m afraid of W not seeing a viable option to heal and recommit to our M and build a completely new and healthy M. Not that I have any indication that she wants to so I don’t have unrealistic hope.

You can't control what she does, doesn't or won't see.
You can't control her timeline.

You can become the person she'd be a fool to leave behind. The first step is dropping the rope. Are you ready to drop the rope, or do you want to be dragged a bit more? Road rash hurts a lot more than dropping the rope will. Trust me on that.

I am afraid that she will maybe down the road once it’s far gone wish she had tried and gotten some help.

And that could very well be part of her process. Nothing you can do about that. Who are you to deny her that process and all it entails?

Focusing on yourself will get you where you need to go, and that includes facing your fears.

[Rockon]

Really appreciate this. Taking to heart.

[Rockon]

Just got back home from the wild. Was just what I needed. Happy and refreshed

[Rockon]

this is going to sound harsh. it's not meant to. it's the unvarnished truth of the matter. ready? (yes that's my "brace yourself Bridget Irish foreplay DB 2x4 disclaimer")

Not harsh rather helpful

What I am afraid of about divorce:
Really our kids being estranged from their mom and hurts from her. I have pain confusion disillusionment anger etc so I recognize I need healing but the hurts have already happened for me.

Part One:
your relationship with your kids is your business.

your wife's relationship with your kids is not your business.

read that again.

Reading again and getting it

your job as their parent is to make sure your relationship with them is solid.

- yes

your job as their parent in this situation is the following:
1. don't parentify them

- don’t believe I do. I think at times W has done this to D but D is establishing some healthy boundaries

2. don't interfere in any way with their relationship with their mother - no roadblocks, no efforts to smooth anything over either.

- I’m doing well with not roadblocking and being mindful not to smooth over

3. basically don't create a crisis and don't try to fix one.
4. if a crisis happens, be their dad. they will need that.

Part Two
Don't confuse or project your feelings about the state of your marriage with how your children may or may not feel about it.

- right

It's really important for you to detach.

Our kids are each dealing with things in their own way and they are smart and probably understand or assume a lot more than I am talking about with them. I imagine each of them being hurt deeply if we D.

that's just it, you're imagining. you don't know. they may be relieved that at least the other shoe has finally fallen. they may be angry, sad, any number of things. those feelings are theirs to own, and not yours to protect them from feeling.

- good points

What is your responsibility here is helping them process it all in a healthy way, being there when they need you and even when they don't. . . just knowing they can count on you no matter what. they will know this by the way you act towards them and others.

- grateful that I can do this

I am afraid of taking the “easy” way out tho I don’t think any of this is easy.

What's easy here? Not a damn thing. She's the one taking the easy way out - she's running rather than digging in and doing the hard work to fix it.

- yes true

I’m afraid of having less to give our kids and grandkids.

Yup. That's grey divorce. All you can do is the best you can. That includes making sure there's minimal financial damage while you're still married, so there will be more for you to live on post D. Your kids have their entire lives to earn money. You are on the other side of that, my friend.

You will find a way.

Hey, Rock --- what's a more important legacy for your kids? money, property? living as a power of example of honorable conduct in the very worst of situations? teaching them that a parent's love doesn't waver, no matter what?

you decide.

- absolutely. Thank you

I’m afraid of W not seeing a viable option to heal and recommit to our M and build a completely new and healthy M. Not that I have any indication that she wants to so I don’t have unrealistic hope.

You can't control what she does, doesn't or won't see.
You can't control her timeline.

You can become the person she'd be a fool to leave behind. The first step is dropping the rope. Are you ready to drop the rope, or do you want to be dragged a bit more? Road rash hurts a lot more than dropping the rope will. Trust me on that.

- I think I might be ready.

Focusing on yourself will get you where you need to go, and that includes facing your fears.

- yes facing them

[Rockon]

Starting a new week. Reflecting on my growth, giving thanks and leaving behind unhelpful thoughts, emotions (after feeling them), anctivities and deciding where to focus.

My plans for this week support this process. I am rising early, exercising, getting things done. Taking time for myself and friends. Being there for my kids. Continuing to look after our home. Therapy today. Taking care to not be too busy and to approach my time management and tasks with care and quality investment.