You did not answer my question: do you want to save this marriage or not? No need to answer that here, but I think it would be a good exercise for you to think about it.
Zero sum, binary situation: yes, I would like to save it. Taking into account context: I am not sure. How much should one put up with and for how long?
Originally Posted by bttrfly
What about yourself are you avoiding by putting so much focus on your wife and her actions, and why are you avoiding it?
I apologize for the gaslighting remark. I read the above comment as more or less insinuating, "are you avoiding your role in your wife having an affair?"
I think when people talk about goals on this site, I personally almost always think about them through a relationship prism. For instance, if someone said "it's always been a goal of mine to learn to juggle," I would say it doesn't matter if one is single or married while balancing three simultaneous affairs - nothing in those circumstances would prevent them from learning to juggle. So bttrfly, when you ask me if snooping helped with my goal, I'm inclined to respond to that in a relationship sense. It helped crystallize my situation some - my goal of having a relationship with trust and companionship might not be possible with this wife.
There are a lot of balls in that hopper - time and space; feelings are fleeting and can change; LH's assurance that it's ok to swallow your pride for the kids, etc. I see in your signature that you did get divorced. Can you remember the moment you knew with certainty?
I do appreciate your feedback and won't levy a gaslighting gripe next time.
You did not answer my question: do you want to save this marriage or not? No need to answer that here, but I think it would be a good exercise for you to think about it.
Zero sum, binary situation: yes, I would like to save it. Taking into account context: I am not sure. How much should one put up with and for how long?
ahhh, the million dollar question!!! I think that's different for everyone
Originally Posted by bttrfly
What about yourself are you avoiding by putting so much focus on your wife and her actions, and why are you avoiding it?
I apologize for the gaslighting remark. I read the above comment as more or less insinuating, "are you avoiding your role in your wife having an affair?" [/quote]
Thank you for the apology. Not at all how I meant it.
I think when people talk about goals on this site, I personally almost always think about them through a relationship prism. For instance, if someone said "it's always been a goal of mine to learn to juggle," I would say it doesn't matter if one is single or married while balancing three simultaneous affairs - nothing in those circumstances would prevent them from learning to juggle. So bttrfly, when you ask me if snooping helped with my goal, I'm inclined to respond to that in a relationship sense. It helped crystallize my situation some - my goal of having a relationship with trust and companionship might not be possible with this wife.
Can you remember the moment you knew with certainty? Do you want the honest answer? I hoped right up until the day it was final that my exh would walk it back, stop the divorce. He didn't. He also yelled at me on the day the divorce was final, saying he never wanted this. When I pointed out that I'd made it crystal clear he was driving this, I wasn't standing in his way, but waiting for him to stop it he got even angrier and hung up on me. So when did I know with certainty? Long after the divorce was final.
I do appreciate your feedback and won't levy a gaslighting grip next time. [/quote] Thanks Doug. I know you were really upset with the new info on OM. I appreciate it though.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Do you know OM's circumstances? (How old is he? is he married? In town or far away? ...etc.). Although I agree with others you should do your best not to dwell on him (though in my experience that's easier said than done) and to instead focus on yourself, some of those answers might inform your actions.
If I'm correct about who it is, he lives an hour away and doesn't appear to be married but has either one or two young children. I'm not exactly sure how his path organically crossed with W's. It is not someone from her past.
Originally Posted by BL42
Second, you can confirm it 100% if you really want to without floating it for her reaction.
Do tell.
Originally Posted by BL42
Did you?
No, I have no tracker on her car and have never hired a private eye. I don't imagine I ever will as that's expensive and unlikely to yield tangible results in a fault divorce.
Originally Posted by BL42
Don't react emotionally. Process your feelings before making any decisions - and I'm sure you have some.
Everything I've read about divorce or staying together after infidelity requires that the affair (obviously) has to be over, and the cheater has to be remorseful and willing to work on the marriage. I don't think that's in the vicinity at all.
How much research have you done on attraction and seduction?
Us men are typically simple creatures. Visually attracted to the ladies.
Women are much more complex and are more attracted to a mans behavior. She lost her attraction for you. Plain and simple. Your behavior has to change during this period if you want any chance of attracting her back.
Lots of layers of the onion for you to peel back.
Originally Posted by Doug54
Do you have any readings you recommended beyond Robert Greene? Anything specific?
I assume you have seen my book list from my tag line:
Beyond those books, I am a Youtube junkie. Some of topics of research:
"Pick up Artist", Redpill, BlackPill, BluePill ect. LFA, Jordan Peterson, Sterling Cooper. Each of these leads to another rabbit hole.
Again, There is some bad stuff included in these. You have to pickout the nuggets of gold from everything. For example the PUA are behaving attractive and basically "tricking" ladies into attraction. I don't think they can maintain long term. Kinda like a lady can put on some makeup to increase her level of attractiveness.
I also really enjoyed browsing the self help section at the bookstore. Something always popped out as worth a read.
While I am out, am am observing couples. Pretty easy to see what is attractive and what is not just by watching how the woman reacts to the mans behavior.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thanks, Ready. I like your last comment about watching couples in public. I've always enjoyed "people watching" itself, observing how folks conduct themselves.
Hey LH, recalling your situation - what do you think you would have done if your wife kept "coasting" as you termed it, and never forged ahead with filing for divorce? How long do you think you would have kept things together for the sake of the family?
That’s a tough question. If I’m being honest probably awhile. I was afraid of divorce for myself and the kids and my ex wasn’t a disrespectful WW. Though if I found out she was up to no good I would have been done.
Part of the reason I post is I’m an advocate that D is better the bs you put up with as a standing LBS. Not much worse than trying to save something by yourself.
I will tell you this that someday you won’t remember feeling like you down now. Some day you will feel peace.
I’m not sure though I will ever feel completely whole again knowing my intact family is gone forever.
