The relationship between your children and their mother is none of your business
If she puts one of them in a life threatening situation, you intervene. Until then, stay in your own lane!
Are you people pleasing?
Are you trying to be the favorite parent for self-validating reasons?
Me : I’m not trying to be the favorite parent but I am going about things to have a great life including enjoying our kids and being the Dad I need to be. If anything I might be engaging too much in trying to support W’s relationship with kids. I am getting that I need to get out of the way not interfere/block but also not fix.
BF: You aren't going to fix this back to 'normal' and if you keep trying you will certainly make things a helluva lot worse
Youngest D informed me the other day when we were out doing an activity together that she is finding the need to have some clearer boundaries with W and W’s family. I listened as she explained that, for example, W’s brother (her uncle) asked her during the holidays, “So how are your mom and dad doing?”
D: have you asked them?
U: No I haven’t.
D: maybe you should
I reflected to D that I was proud of her for standing up and having healthy boundaries. We shared some tears and hugs together. Mostly I listened as she described some ways that she was handling situations and I reinforced the importance of her looking after herself being herself, having time for rest and fun and friends and that I loved her and am here for her.
I was spending a lot of time with S (and also some alone time and some time with friends) after Christmas. S and I had been working on our house and connecting well. He talked to me about the original gift. It was actually from W and I but she had picked it out. He asked and I told him. He declined it. I asked if he could think of another gift he might like. Over the next several days he sat with it and then selected/accepted gratefully the other gift idea. It was more from me about connecting with him and I really didn’t believe that I was trying to show W up at all that’s not a motivator for me. I wanted S to know that he is important to me and our family and he is an individual and he doesn’t have to be “nice” and pretend that everything is alright and have a jolly experience with everyone all the time. And I wasn’t trying to fix the situation or the relationship between S and W.
Hey.....don't let this get you down....
I'm gonna say that ^^^^ I am still finding this superficial....
It's an explanation....not a "why"
The explanation allows you to see the isolated incident....
The "why" lets you see how being a 'fixer' has been a part of your life, and allows you to stop letting that live in your wheelhouse for your future relationship....
Rock, you aren't responsible completely for the breakdown of your marriage, however you did play a part in it.
The behaviors that led to this that belong to you, you should be trying to kill in yourself.
The "fixer" mentality is one of the hardest for men to see, let alone kill off.
Yet once that you see it, you cannot UN-see it....
Fixer mentality is so deeply ingrained into the the Male natural instinct that we don't see how that affects those of us that we deal with on a daily level, let alone a deep emotional connection within the confines of a relationship....
Right now, and with any WAW/MLCer, they don't want/need anything fixed for them. Most feel that having things fixed for them has been their entire marriage, and what it manifests into is them screaming that they were 'controlled' and that they were emotionally abused....
Not one particular thing leads to that, however 1+1+1+1+1 will eventually get you to a million....
Seeing that, and recognizing it for what it is and the role that you played in it, allows you to own your side of the street, and keep it clean...
Rock owns Rock.....
Nothing else matters for now....
So I ask again....
What would you want to hear to validate the situation if the roles were reversed... ????
Think about that, dust off, and get back on that horse buddy....
Hmm I signed on just now to type out putting myself in W’s shoes as invited by Mach1- will get to you R2C
So let’s imagine I put thought into and selected a Gift to D, and D and I were at odds with each other. D rejected my gift and W came in and gave a replacement gift - gifts being from both of us or individual whatever. But point being D accepted gift selected by W without my knowledge and without my input and rejected mine.
I could imagine that I might feel hurt - by the disconnection with D and feeling my part in that and associating past relational difficulties and hurts. And I could imagine feeling like W showed me up ok.
What would I want to know from W or what would I need to have my hurt acknowledged? I would want to know that W took seriously that I was hurt. And that my feelings matter and I’m important. My relationship with D and hers with me are about us.
I could also say to W, “in hindsight I wonder if it would have been a better choice for me to talk to you before deciding to get the new gift.”
I don’t know if that’s true but I could ask. See, I am actually trying not to get between them. When W told me that S tore a strip off of her on the phone some time ago about his perception of how she is treating me, I listened to her and told her I felt sad about their disconnection and noted that he has strong feelings about this. She told me he told her that he was angry and that he believed that she was not doing the right thing it was a really cheap shot and wrong and that she is not a victim in this (paraphrase I can’t exactly remember). I told W I hope that they can talk more and listen to each other and that I’m listening as well. I commented that I’m aware that they love each other and have gotten through things before but this is difficult.
I didn’t try to say he was right and pile on or take over his issues with her or that he was wrong and minimize and blow off his anger but that his feelings are what he’s feeling.
When W and I talked with younger S about our R difficulties, I acknowledged to him that it would be normal to have feelings and thoughts and questions about it and about us and that’s ok and he can talk or ask whatever he wants. W said “your sisters are sad, your brothers are mad and we are both mad sometimes and sad sometimes..”
So why, why do I act this way, why do I “fix” maybe I get anxious about people being unhappy I don’t know.
Mach: “Rock, you aren't responsible completely for the breakdown of your marriage, however you did play a part in it”
Me: I get this and totally agree and I am working at changing that to be the best version of me and a man of integrity who takes responsibility and doesn’t give excuses and is not lazy.
Mach: “Right now, and with any WAW/MLCer, they don't want/need anything fixed for them. Most feel that having things fixed for them has been their entire marriage, and what it manifests into is them screaming that they were 'controlled' and that they were emotionally abused...”
Me: A lot of this fits for sure. I am show purposing to show by my actions that I can’t, don’t wan’t to and won’t control W. Your input/feedback/challenge helps me go deeper and hopefully see more clearly through my blind spots.
Ok R2C, maybe we all don’t have adequate accurate info for what is required.
This is really hard! I don’t know how to handle this, not respond at all (too late) respond properly to her without engaging? I find text messaging and email difficult mediums to talk about heart stuff.
I think that as some here have said, don’t respond, don’t engage - we are not at that stage.
From her text responses to me, it seems like she got what she “wanted” I imagine her thinking I gave a lame response but at least I responded confirming what she expected.
