Action 6

[BL42]

Mach1,

I'm prolly gonna come at this from a completely different angle....

The way that I read that is....

She bought him a gift that he didn't like/want, and then you went behind her back and tried to fix it by buying him a similar gift ??

Who were you fixing it for ??

Why are you in the middle of their relationship ?

Because I gotta say, I'm on her side with this one.

You're not alone. That's where I was going with this:

I asked S if I could get him a different particular gift (similar or lower value that was meaningful to him). He accepted this and was very happy with the gift.

Was this purely altruistic, or part that felt good about replacing W's gift? You don't have to answer...just self-reflect.

Rockon needs to dig deep and consider whether you replaced the gift to "win" or "show up" W. Because if she gave S a gift and S rejected that gift do to his feelings towards W (his right, not Rockon's job to manage their R), and then Rockon replaced the gift out of spite or to one up her...then that's not exactly DB'ing.

If you really want to Validate....

Change places with her, and imagine how controlled and dis-respected YOU would feel if she did this to you behind your back....

What could be said to make YOU feel valued and respected in that situation...

Right. This is called empathy. Empathy is truly understanding how the other person's point of view and how they're feeling. Validating is communicating to them that you empathize and understand.

Rockon,

“I can see now why you would be hurt and how that could feel like me siding with our kids. Thank you for telling me.That’s not my intention.

I don’t see myself as a victim and I don’t see you as the bad guy. I’m glad that we are both focusing on our health.”

Again I'll recommend (as several others have) that you stop engaging and responding, but suspect you will regardless.

IF you're going to respond anyway, I'd shorten it: "I can see now why you would be hurt and how that could feel like me siding with our kids. That’s not my intention."

Please try to understand you crafting "perfect" response to her texts is not going to save your marriage.

[Mach1]

BL...right there with ya....

Right. This is called empathy. Empathy is truly understanding how the other person's point of view and how they're feeling. Validating is communicating to them that you empathize and understand.

The key (at least for me), is to actually empathize and understand, instead of throwing up a smokescreen and just 'say' that you understand....

[Ready2Change]

Ok new text from W:

“ And I just wanted to explain more why I was so hurt last night.
It felt like you were being the “Disneyland dad”- the fun dad that gets to be the hero, the good guy, maybe even the victim.
I am not the bad guy, just the one that was brave enough to imagine a healthier life for both of us.
When you do things that side you with the kids against me, it’s not healthy for any of us, and makes a future where we can have a respectful friendship very difficult.”

Pausing. I don’t want to knee jerk, defend or argue. I appreciate your input everyone.

Here’s a draft.

“I can see now why you would be hurt and how that could feel like me siding with our kids. Thank you for telling me.That’s not my intention.

I don’t see myself as a victim and I don’t see you as the bad guy. I’m glad that we are both focusing on our health.”

This is a DO NOT RESPOND.

If you were not DBing and your relationship was in a better state then your response would be Okay, but there is room for improvements.

[Rockon]

Upon self reflection, I don’t believe that I got the “replacement” gift to win or show up W. I really don’t want to do that. You all are really helping me to seek to understand the experience and perspective of W and S.

And I want my actions to follow appropriately.

Some more background:

While I was out after Christmas, S looked under the tree and mistakenly thought that one of the gifts to me was for him. This was an item that he had previously indirectly identified (clear to me now on hindsight) to me as something he could use.

I asked if I could get him that gift several days later not so much as a replacement for the gift from W but as something he could really use and benefit from. He gave i some thought and got back to me and accepted.

Still, with all I am learning, I am seeing that it might not have been my best course of action and I now see how W was hurt as well as potential for deeper connection with S may have been short circuited

[Kind18]

Rock,

I was going to go through all your threads from scratch and quote every time someone (including me, many times) told you not to engage, but tbh I’m just too lazy.

It must be 20 or 30 times. But you continue to make excuses and interact with her… time and time again. You’ll harden up for a day or two, get into your GAL and independence, and then you’ll crack and be back here with another tale of woe and “should I buy her a Christmas gift?”

What part of this are you not understanding? You CAN NOT NICE OR IMPRESS OR VALIDATE THIS PERSON BACK WITH WORDS OR TEXTS.

I am not the bad guy, just the one that was brave enough to imagine a healthier life for both of us.

She’s a grade A whack job. This is her wanting validation that leaving you was the right thing because she wants to feel better about what she has done. Knowing you you’ll probably try and validate this statement and she will get what she wants.

I would respond like this:

You think you’ve been “brave”? Hahaha, okay 🤪🤪🤪

[BL42]

This is a DO NOT RESPOND.

If you were not DBing and your relationship was in a better state then your response would be Okay, but there is room for improvements.

^Yep.

I was going to go through all your threads from scratch and quote every time someone (including me, many times) told you not to engage, but tbh I’m just too lazy.

Same here Kind18! Almost did as well but also lazy'd-out. LOL

What part of this are you not understanding? You CAN NOT NICE OR IMPRESS OR VALIDATE THIS PERSON BACK WITH WORDS OR TEXTS.

^Amen!

I am not the bad guy, just the one that was brave enough to imagine a healthier life for both of us.

She’s a grade A whack job. This is her wanting validation that leaving you was the right thing because she wants to feel better about what she has done. Knowing you you’ll probably try and validate this statement and she will get what she wants.

Agreed. What soaring, flourishing, high-minded...BS.

SHE IS CHEATING ON YOU! Do not allow her to make you believe you're the bad actor in all this.

I would respond like this:

You think you’ve been “brave”? Hahaha, okay 🤪🤪🤪

Do be clear, not sure this is DB'ing...but certainly understand the sentiment.

[Ready2Change]

1) When you engage, you lose.
2) If you absolutely feel like responded, wait 24 hours to come up with a response.
3) Always use the least number (and simplest) of words needed to get your point across. Here are my top three one word responses (Yes, No, Perfect)



First edit:

“I can see now why you would be hurt and how that could feel like me siding with our kids. Thank you for telling me. That’s not my intention.

I don’t see myself as a victim and I don’t see you as the bad guy. I’m glad that we are both focusing on our health.”


This is the first response that pops into my head:
"Thanks for sharing"
A little cold, but she did fire you as her husband.
I use the word sorry more as an empathy word and not as an apology word.
I would add "I am sorry you were hurt" if I wanted to validate that I understand her emotional state.

Even if you don't send this, this should be your state of mind:
"I am sorry you were hurt, thanks for sharing."

[Ready2Change]

I would respond like this:

You think you’ve been “brave”? Hahaha, okay 🤪🤪🤪

I would be more blunt:

"Brave people don't cut and run."

Of course, that might lead to more engagement....

[Rockon]

I decided to reach out to S. I told him that I wanted to be more real and respectable as a man with him and as his dad, I told him that he has every right and reason to be angry at W and that he could be angry at me and disappointed. He thanked me and didn’t have much to say.

[DnJ]

Rock,

W: I am not the bad guy, just the one that was brave enough to imagine a healthier life for both of us. When you do things that side you with the kids against me, it’s not healthy for any of us, and makes a future where we can have a respectful friendship very difficult.

Rock, you do see the manipulation at play here. Right? These folks are masters of manipulation and twisting the LBS to their will and purpose.

She’s is baiting you.

If you take umbrage and set the record straight that the kids side with you because of her behaviour, and she is being disrespectful and creating that future, she’ll use it against you.

If you, as she probably suspects, respond kindly like your proposed response, she’ll validate her position more.

Don’t take the bait. It’s a trap!

Brave enough?!? To cheat and throw away a marriage. Sure. Whatever.

A respectful friendship?!? You are kind and cordial and treat her friendly. You are not friends. Your friends do not treat you the way she treats you. (This may not always be the case, however for right now it is. In my humble opinion.)

She won’t hear you. Most people, by far most people, are not the villain in their own story.

Pausing. I don’t want to knee jerk, defend or argue. I appreciate your input everyone.

Here’s a draft.

“I can see now why you would be hurt and how that could feel like me siding with our kids. Thank you for telling me.That’s not my intention.

I don’t see myself as a victim and I don’t see you as the bad guy. I’m glad that we are both focusing on our health.”

Well done taking time before responding. Give it 48 hours. Lots of time for your emotions to settle. I bet you won’t feel like responding in a couple of days. Or at least, like how you’ve proposed.

As to your draft. You are siding with the kids. They certainly do not deserve this mess, stress, and strife from the fallout of the relationship between their parents. Always be on the side of your kids. And unapologetically! Your are their rock! Period!

Do you really not see W as the bad guy? Is she the good guy? Are there any bad or good guys in your story? I’m curious as to how you see things.

I’m thinking the best DB response would be a truth dart or two.

D