Stuck in limbo IV

[Rockon]

So Doug, I’m a rookie figuring this out too with benefit of questions and guidance from the vets. What if anything are you doing now that legitimizes or placates your W treating you poorly and/or being unfaithful? And if there is anything in that category, is there anything you want to change about yourself to disrupt that dynamic protection yourself and your kids? Rooting for you man

Rock n roll

[BL42]

As for the separate accounts I’m not sure that matters.

Talk to an L, but likely the money is still marital property if no legal action has been taken. Where it would matter is it shields her from the funds so she can't access it to take a huge withdraw or make a big purchase - he controls it.

[BL42]

Doug54,

I'm going out myself to a club with a DJ along with some friends, so there's that.

Yikes separate nights out on New Years Eve. Nothing like being in a club at middle age lol but I applaud you for trying.

How'd it go at the club last night?

Christmas went well. W literally bought one gift for one of our children and I did all the rest. I'm willing to give her a partial pass since Christmas wasn't part of her upbringing and she knew I was going to handle most of the kid stuff, but dang. She's mailing it in sometimes.

It's not fair, but continue to pick up her slack when it comes to the kids - it's not their fault.

There was one day when my parents had the kids out for quite a while and W and I went for a walk like old times and had nookie twice.

If you want to shake up the status quo maybe you take cake/sex off the table?

Curious how these situations arise considering the situations. I've read on here some people continue having sex for awhile, but mine was not one of them - not even close to anything physical (hug, kiss...whatever) after BD.

To me you have to go into it honestly knowing it might not mean much and you just enjoy the physical act, which is probably easier said than done when you're the one who wants to keep the marriage/family together. If it's hurting your detachment it may not be helpful.

Sandi said it best to another poster a while back - "She wants to feel free and you are treating her like she is still your W...which she is, but she doesn't want to feel like she is your W. That is the point. She wants to be free and she doesn't want you controlling her life."

Yep - they're all striving to be "free" of their problems/unhappiness and believe it's you, when more often it's them.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Doug

I still struggle internally with a mindset of "As long as you're living in the house and we're not divorced or separated, it's not ok that you're effing around, up to no good on your phone or whatever else." I don't say that but it permeates my thoughts at times.

I understand your struggle with her behaviour. You cannot control what she does.

And my ego still gets in the way of having a complete attitude of "who cares what W is up to?"

A few thoughts for you.

It’s not about being non-caring. I still care what XW is up to (at times). It’s that those thoughts don’t drag me around; don’t limit my life, behaviour, or actions; nor do those thoughts or her behaviours define me.

It’s about accepting. And as you see, ego plays a part in that struggle. “It’s not ok that you’re effing around…”, yep true. And what can you do about it? Can you prevent it? Nope. Can you force her to not? Nope. Can you influence her? Maybe. Can you alter yourself? Find peace? Yes.

You can care what she is doing, and let go.

Ego. Telling yourself “it’s not ok”, is judging her. And that reinforces your emotions. Drags you around. Let that go. It’s for God to judge her, not you.

How to let go? Realize, yes it is not ok, or wanted, or proper, or right, etc, for a married women to behave that way. (You got that step. We all get that step pretty fast.)

Then, understand her behaviour/running. Realize why (more or less). That brings about compassion and empathy. I think you are doing well in this as well.

All this allows one to let go their self need to be right, to control. To put aside their ego, even just temporarily, until being nonjudgemental becomes a core value, a belief. You likely have some inclination of the trauma(s) W suffered in her early years. Not an excuse for her, however a reason to find acceptance and forgiveness. Ask yourself, if you suffered the same, where would you’ve ended up? Fate, luck, whatever it is, you and I are on paths different than our respective spouse’s. Realize how blessed that is. Rather humbling. And should highlight the influence of one’e ego upon one’s perception.

Acceptance and forgiveness. Accepting does not mean condoning. Condoning is ignoring something morally wrong or offensive, to allow its continuation. From a few steps up, you realize the immorality of it, and you realize you cannot prevent it. You are not ignoring and allowing, for the continuation is solely up to W. That’s acceptance in a nutshell.

Forgiving is completely upon you. Nothing W can do will earn her forgiveness, in so much as you need to see some behaviour or hear some words before bestowing your forgiveness. That’s not how forgiveness works. In fact, you likely won’t (and probably shouldn’t) ever even tell her. You find it within yourself to let go the grudge and write paid in full upon the bill, and your actions will display such.

Your path is to place your focus elsewhere, a good place is upon yourself and kids; to live and love your life; and give W time and space. That doesn’t mean ignore W, more just let her to her path and journey, while you traverse your’s.

Fortunately, your two paths still interact. Becoming the best version of yourself, is awesome for you, and maximizes your chances of reconciling.

Have a great day Doug.

D

[Doug54]

As for the separate accounts I’m not sure that matters.

Talk to an L, but likely the money is still marital property if no legal action has been taken. Where it would matter is it shields her from the funds so she can't access it to take a huge withdraw or make a big purchase - he controls it.

Yes, this was the thought.

[Doug54]

Curious how these situations arise considering the situations. I've read on here some people continue having sex for awhile, but mine was not one of them - not even close to anything physical (hug, kiss...whatever) after BD.

To me you have to go into it honestly knowing it might not mean much and you just enjoy the physical act, which is probably easier said than done when you're the one who wants to keep the marriage/family together. If it's hurting your detachment it may not be helpful.

I look at it like this, for now, in my own situation:

*I try not to initiate and let W be the one to do that if she wants to. That might not mean a whole lot more than, in my own head, I'm not coming off as needy.

*My IC has said it's important to try to enjoy the small things that are still there, when they arise, and not harp on strategy and larger implications at that moment.

*W and I generally don't touch or make contact during the day. I doubt she'd recoil if I tried but I mostly don't feel like it. However, at the end of the night, we make some form of contact lying in bed together 99 percent of the time. Sometimes she'll scratch my back, reach over to touch my shoulder, etc. I hate to say it, but during those moments, before going to sleep, the stresses of life and the marriage melt away and everything is ok.

[Doug54]

A few thoughts for you.

Deej - Really appreciate your insights. You had one of the all-time infamously bad bomb drops and yet seem like the most grounded, glass-is-half-full fella in the universe. I only wish I had .0001% of the compassion, empathy, and humility that you possess.

I also struggle with some of the wisdom of hard-liners on this site compared to what you espouse. For instance, it wouldn't be an alpha move to realize that W may be struggling with her MLC. I don't even know if she's "struggling" at the moment - she seems happy with the replay phase, new fake boobs, and going out like a college kid (last night at least).

Fortunately, your two paths still interact. Becoming the best version of yourself, is awesome for you, and maximizes your chances of reconciling.

I've always wondered about this. MWD and Sandi, among others, seemed to think remaining under the same roof provided the best chance at working things out. However, this doesn't provide a chance for people to see whether or not they miss their partner.

[Ready2Change]

I've always wondered about this. MWD and Sandi, among others, seemed to think remaining under the same roof provided the best chance at working things out. However, this doesn't provide a chance for people to see whether or not they miss their partner.

It all depends on how much GAL you are doing.

The goal is to get to a place that it’s unacceptable to you.

This is key.

Your behavior and what actions you take is also key.

You have to do the work and blend up all the different things that have worked for the rest of us and come up with your plan. Then execute the plan.

[BL42]

Doug54,

However, at the end of the night, we make some form of contact lying in bed together 99 percent of the time. Sometimes she'll scratch my back, reach over to touch my shoulder, etc.

So much different than my situation it's hard for me to relate. Not saying it's good or bad - others more experienced with this behavior can probably give better feedback.

I hate to say it, but during those moments, before going to sleep, the stresses of life and the marriage melt away and everything is ok.

I completely understand you feeling that way, but that's what also makes me concerned about it. You feeling relieved and at peace because of these moments with your W seems like the opposite of detachment. Just know you may be setting yourself up for a harder crash if the next bomb drops. Sounds like you recognize that when you preface the statement with "I hate to say it".

[LH19]

So actually Sandi was against IHS and would always say she can’t remember a time that it worked.

I’m not a fan of it especially when there is an open affair but like R2C said it depends on your GAL.