Action 5

[Rockon]

Definitely want to dig deep and be thorough and do the work. For me, one of the most pressing ways is for me act on this is to grieve what has been lost and what is broken. I am going there. It’s not pleasant but i see the importance. Just today was processing with D some of my tears

[Ready2Change]

Definitely want to dig deep and be thorough and do the work. For me, one of the most pressing ways is for me act on this is to grieve what has been lost and what is broken. I am going there. It’s not pleasant but i see the importance. Just today was processing with D some of my tears

It is more like triage. We have to stop the bleeding.

The bleeding is the buildup of resentment and the loss of attraction. It is important for you to jump start your behavior otherwise everything will bleed out.

[Rockon]

L,
I have not been engaging in future talk with W.

[Rockon]

BL,
In response to your post:

“ How was bailing her out of her car situation align with removing support? How do you even know her car broke down? Are we advising you not to answer her calls? And be slow and limited in response to her texts/emails?”

I see that is does not. I didn’t know at the time for certain that her car actually broke down (has since been confirmed), but I chose to believe her about it.

“ Originally Posted by Rockon
W shared with me lots of things on the drive about her and I listened and validated and didn’t try to fix anything. W has been expressing lots of future family and couple plans with me and I’m non committal.
Care to be more specific? What future family and couple plans is she expressing specifically”

W has been engaging much more in family life and bringing up ideas for future family/extended fam/shared friend connections. She had been mostly disconnected from our whole family from BD up until I went away. W was very wayward, acting very single and childless. Three of our kids seem guarded in response -eldest son remains estranged from his mom since BD - and youngest S seems to just be soaking up family love. W has just come back to church and has started to engage more with solid long time close friends of our M. I have decided not to draw conclusions or read further meaning into her actions but rather be on observer and stay in my lane.

“ I decided to go to her moms for Christmas Eve to support special needs I have mentioned before. It’s what I decided and I believe it was the right choice. If the support wasn’t necessary, I might have chosen differently.
Originally Posted by LH19
Yeah I was pretty sure you were going to go to her moms
Obviously I'm not in your shoes with special needs son, but like I mentioned before when you were talking to W so much...it seems like a bit of an excuse to stay engaged with W. How does his special needs demand you spend Christmas with your cheating W and her MIL? Seems completely unrelated, but that's just me”

This is difficult for me to respond to in this forum. I am processing and addressing these themes in IC and with close friends. Seeing S in person around family at MIL’s, he made the night better, he brought joy and peace and love.

I understand that I am not in a M currently it does not exist. I am married but I can’t act as her husband. So removing myself and my support from her sounds logical. Being her friend doesn’t fit - she is not acting as a friend. We do have children together - including significant special needs, so that is an area to do well as a dad on my own.

“ Originally Posted by Rockon
I’m a man W would be a fool to leave.
Are you? I think you're a nice well intentioned guy, but also have real work to do. What's your action plan?”

I agree with you on this. I know I have real work to do and I need to create and follow through on a sound action plan.

[Rockon]

BL,
Very good points. I am being thoughtful and measured in my decisions and some of them I am not sure about (eg Christmas Eve), but I am making my choices believing they are the best option with the understanding I have at the time. I will work more in IC also on solutions.

My intentions with my responses to this group are to acknowledge and do my best to honestly respond even if at first it is at a surface level. I am someone who goes away and reflects and seeks to gain further learning upon going deeper.

[Rockon]

C and I discussed how W has been acting like a toddler or adolescent going wild and free. I need to be a lighthouse and have the focus on myself, my home, family, life and values.

[BL42]

Rockon,

How was bailing her out of her car situation align with removing support? How do you even know her car broke down? Are we advising you not to answer her calls? And be slow and limited in response to her texts/emails?

I see that is does not. I didn’t know at the time for certain that her car actually broke down (has since been confirmed), but I chose to believe her about it.

Maybe I'm missing something, but this is still as clear as mud to me. Your responses come off to me as very vague, philosophical, and non-direct. How exactly did she communicate with you regarding the car/ride situation? Did she call you, text you, use a kid as an intermediary, show up at your house door? And, how did you engage? Did you answer her call right away, let it go to voicemail and call back, text back, email back...etc.

W shared with me lots of things on the drive about her and I listened and validated and didn’t try to fix anything. W has been expressing lots of future family and couple plans with me and I’m non committal.

Care to be more specific? What future family and couple plans is she expressing specifically”

W has been engaging much more in family life and bringing up ideas for future family/extended fam/shared friend connections.

What does "engaging more in family life" mean? Is it limited to the kids, or engaging with you directly? Is it coming over for family dinners, planning a family vacation together...etc.? Has she asked to move back? What specifically is she saying and doing? And what specifically is your response and what are you allowing?

I have decided not to draw conclusions or read further meaning into her actions but rather be on observer and stay in my lane.

Good! ...if you're being honest with yourself. Any conclusions you draw at this point are more likely to be wrong than right, for two reasons: 1) she probably has no idea what she wants, and it'll change day by day if not hour by hour, and 2) you WANT to R so you'd be projecting your conclusions based on your desire.

“ I decided to go to her moms for Christmas Eve to support special needs I have mentioned before. It’s what I decided and I believe it was the right choice. If the support wasn’t necessary, I might have chosen differently.

Yeah I was pretty sure you were going to go to her moms

Obviously I'm not in your shoes with special needs son, but like I mentioned before when you were talking to W so much...it seems like a bit of an excuse to stay engaged with W. How does his special needs demand you spend Christmas with your cheating W and her MIL? Seems completely unrelated, but that's just me”

This is difficult for me to respond to in this forum. I am processing and addressing these themes in IC and with close friends. Seeing S in person around family at MIL’s, he made the night better, he brought joy and peace and love.

You do you. If you don't feel comfortable sharing the details of your special needs son here online where anyone can read it, that's completely understandable. IC is certainly a great place to vent and vet your feelings and actions. Just please make sure you're being honest with yourself. I fear you're not, and you're using it as an excuse to engage with her.

I know I have real work to do and I need to create and follow through on a sound action plan.

You keep saying you need to make an action plan. You've said it several times over a period of time. Maybe it's just time to take action instead of intending to create a plan.

Rockon - Not trying to sound too harsh...just being direct out of love so you confront the situation and be honest with yourself and get the best result you can out of a difficult situation. Wishing you the best over this Christmas season.

[Rockon]

Thank you BL.

W reached out to me many times by text and phone calls about her transportation needs (car break down) ahead of the event. I was actually turning my phone off (discomforting 180 for me but a way to disconnect disengage and not react to W - I also have turned off sounds and notifications for her text messages and changed my ring tones because I was having a stress response from my reactions to her contacting me). Eventually I responded when there was a direct question and she asked me for help so that she could participate in person to celebrate together. I decided that I could handle that and that it was meaningful for D and GD and agreed.

It was interesting because she had said that she wasn’t planning to go until recently. She felt she wouldn’t be able to handle it - too stressful. And I just carried on with my personal plans to attend. This is an example of W engaging more and more with family. She had told me that D wasn’t into Christmas this year - not true - and seemed to be just all about herself, but made an apparent shift and got into it. W did events with our kids - some that I was at as well (concerts, parties). Concerning others, I had plans and was busy - didn’t want to be too available to W and needed space. W also did an event with her M and my M and sister.

I am doing my very best with support and variable measures of success to have no expectations of WW and am viewing my functional connection to her as her brother in Christ (I am a follower of Christ and this is my most important identity) rather than friend, partner or spouse at this time. I am married I am her husband and I take that very seriously. I’m not single and I am not free to date nor do I want to. But I am enjoying my time and space.

This has been really difficult for me to reconcile because of our history, my feelings and care and also the seriousness of my vows, but with IC I have come to see that the call of Christ-like love towards fellow human beings and in particular or brothers and sisters in the Lord is not an easy road. But He is giving me what I need. When I step out of that and am tempted to have a friendship or partnership with her, I suffer and it’s way off line.

She has not asked to move back (and I’m considering saying “not interested” as suggested here). Though she did propose (not ask) that I move out of our BR into our suite and she move in with D. I said I don’t like that and I'm not planning to move out of our BR. Then she said “I think I want our bed over at my mom’s”. I replied that I have to think about that.

Was helping her when her car broke down “nice”? Or the wrong decision? I honestly don’t know. I have been doing a lot of reflection upon these ideas - reading, journaling, discussing in IC and tight circle of friends. I need to take responsibility and my power back to change the dynamic in my relationship with W, eventual R or not. I need to keep growing, healing and changing. I am assertive, kind, strong, patient and humble and I need to be solid and consistent and not be “nice” or manipulative or passive aggressive.

“ Originally Posted by Rockon
I have decided not to draw conclusions or read further meaning into her actions but rather be on observer and stay in my lane.
Good! ...if you're being honest with yourself. Any conclusions you draw at this point are more likely to be wrong than right, for two reasons: 1) she probably has no idea what she wants, and it'll change day by day if not hour by hour, and 2) you WANT to R so you'd be projecting your conclusions based on your desire”

I am working hard at being honest with myself and you are right on target there BL.

“ You keep saying you need to make an action plan. You've said it several times over a period of time. Maybe it's just time to take action instead of intending to create a plan.”

Yes

Thank you sincerely with respect.

[Mach40]

New cars rarely brake, just curious as to what it was.. Battery is usually the big culprit nowadays..
Other than that, rarely will any car built in the last 15 years just brake down..
Turning the phone off is hard. I think that isnt a good idea anyways, as I have kids. Not shutting them off.
If she starts talking about getting together, IF, she better be ready to move Mt Shasta, and have a plan so detailed as to how she is fixed, ready, spiritually etc to move forward.. There is a huge list, but you get my drift. You just sit back and question everything..

[Kind18]

I see a lot of myself in you Rockon. I think your threads are getting plenty of hits because those on the site have a genuine respect for you, you post often, and you seem fairly level headed and so a good candidate to DB successfully.

I share BL42s concerns that essentially wishy-washy talk is cheap and you need to turn what you say “making a solid plan” into identifiable, tangible and measurable goals. I think you see his point, so looking forward to this in the future.

Fake goals are
- “I’m going to have to think about a plan moving forward so we don’t become friends.”
- “I need to work on this.”

Real goals are
- “I’m going to instruct her that unless it’s urgent or related to care of the children, she contact me regarding anything divorce related via email only.”
- “I’m going to ask my family to stop contacting her.”
- “I’m going to schedule three appointments with a divorce lawyer to work out what the legalities of it in my state and have a plan for finance and custody if she files.”
- “I’m going to talk with my counsellor next Monday about how to minimise excuses for making contact with her or spending time with her or helping her.”

Lastly, on your Christianity - I feel many Christians look at their faith as an excuse to put up with s*** behaviour. I used it when people asked me “why are you putting up with her BS” to justify staying around - “I signed up for a Christian marriage and so I will respect my vows.” Really all it was, was a convenient excuse for me to desperately hold onto hope in a hopeless situation. I was afraid of an unknown future.

In hindsight, my Christian upbringing gave me unhealthy expectations on staying in a dysfunctional relationship with, well frankly, an idiot. Three years on with my divorce done and dusted, I feel regret that my upbringing and religious views of marriage (in sickness and in health etc) meant my separation and divorce was drawn out and much uglier and painful than it should have been.