Action 5

[LH19]

What kind of f’d up world do we live in when a woman you barely know feels comfortable telling you that about the affair? Zero respect!

[DnJ]

Good Morning Rock

Good for you not engaging with the gossip gal. She may have been trying to pass on well-intentioned information. She may have been trying to ascertain your position/resolve so she could report back to her friend W. Or countless other possible scenarios. No matter. And you did fine.

That interactions harkens back to W’s the cat’s out of the bag conversation. Her prompting you, was likely she’d already let loose the cat; and if not, was her prompting herself to do so. It’s not about you; W’s stuff and her path is about her.

My W was a rare one and basically right out of the gate told the world of her affair. She shamelessly flaunted her new man around, taking him to our kids’ music festivals, attending his son’s volleyball games, and so on. Her smugness and absolute assuredness of her choice was sickening to witness.

Most keep their affair more secret. Even taking it underground when it starts to become exposed. Telling others, bring an affair out to the open, is usually an attempt to legitimize the relationship. And usually occurs when there is trouble in paradise. Ah, the efforts required for maintaining relationships built upon lies and deceit are truly a failing return on investment.

If W and OM’s relationship is starting to crumble. Do not interfere. No manipulation. Their R needs to die by it’s own hand. Not your’s!

And I’d suspect such a R would have several dying gasps before expiring. No need for you to go looking to watch that train wreck, plenty of information will find its way to you. As you wisely said, “on to focusing on myself”.

By the way, going on six years now, my XW is still with OM. Her smugness is gone. Her absolute assured outlook is gone. She is a shell of who she once was - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. She burnt and destroyed so many bridges at bomb drop. She went full on scored earth when she left. These many years later, she has started to rebuild a bit with the kids. Sort of. It’s a rocky start as you’d suspect.

Been having great family times and also serving some less fortunate folks has brought a lift to my mood.

Excellent!



Merry Christmas Rock

May you and your’s have peace and blessings.

D

[Rockon]

So holidays are happening as we speak and I want to update all of you and let you know where I’m at.

I’m good! My kids are here at my place watching movies playing cards eating sweets and laughing and loving each other and making me proud and happy with a full cup! I’ve got tremendous friends who are there for me like I had no idea at BD! I am healthy and happy and I really like myself.

There has been quite a bit of occasions lately when I have been at the same gatherings/events as W of late: concerts, granddaughters birthday, church (W came to church for the first time since BD) etc.

On granddaughter’s birthday, W’s car broke down and I agreed to drive her. I was friendly and stayed within myself. W shared with me lots of things on the drive about her and I listened and validated and didn’t try to fix anything. W has been expressing lots of future family and couple plans with me and I’m non committal.

I decided to go to her moms for Christmas Eve to support special needs I have mentioned before. It’s what I decided and I believe it was the right choice. If the support wasn’t necessary, I might have chosen differently. Tonight over there was a bit of everything: fun, meaningful, kinda melodramatic and boring. I’m good with how I handled myself as a gentleman. As I drove home with the kids after, we all were happy together and they expressed their love for me. Over there, W and MIL are not very happy to be honest. Happy left in my truck kinda early to really have a great Christmas Eve here.

I’m a man W would be a fool to leave.

I believe it’s time to accelerate and reinforce my DB.

[Ready2Change]

I believe it’s time to accelerate and reinforce my DB.

Looking forward to hearing the details of your plan.

[LH19]

Hey Rock I’m glad you had a good time with your kids on Christmas Eve. Yeah I was pretty sure you were going to go to her moms and of course you picked her up when her car broke down. That’s what nice guys do. As far as future talk every time you engage you lose.

Hope you and your family had a great Christmas.

[BL42]

Rockon,

Said hello and was about to move on when she told me W’s OM might be breaking up with her. “Whatever,” I said, and did move on right then.

Good answer. Outwardly displaying indifference, even if you didn't feel it inside.

I don’t even know how that friend knew that I know about A. I don’t have any connection with her whatsoever outside of W and even so it’s very superficial.

Word gets out. You'd be surprised at what people know without you mentioning anything. Especially in your care W seemed eager to tell people.

I’m good! My kids are here at my place watching movies playing cards eating sweets and laughing and loving each other and making me proud and happy with a full cup! I’ve got tremendous friends who are there for me like I had no idea at BD! I am healthy and happy and I really like myself.

Good stuff Rockon. Nothing like the love of your children to make you feel at peace with the world. Glad you have such strong friend support network.

On granddaughter’s birthday, W’s car broke down and I agreed to drive her.

of course you picked her up when her car broke down. That’s what nice guys do. As far as future talk every time you engage you lose.

I guess I'm with LH here. You did well telling W's friend "whatever" at potential OM news, but this...not so much. Many vets here since you started posting have been urging you to REMOVE your support, to make her feel what she's losing. Remember when you entertained the possibility of picking her up from the airport after she visited OM? What did we tell you then? How was bailing her out of her car situation align with removing support? How do you even know her car broke down? Are we advising you not to answer her calls? And be slow and limited in response to her texts/emails?

W shared with me lots of things on the drive about her and I listened and validated and didn’t try to fix anything. W has been expressing lots of future family and couple plans with me and I’m non committal.

Care to be more specific? What future family and couple plans is she expressing specifically?

I decided to go to her moms for Christmas Eve to support special needs I have mentioned before. It’s what I decided and I believe it was the right choice. If the support wasn’t necessary, I might have chosen differently.

Yeah I was pretty sure you were going to go to her moms

Obviously I'm not in your shoes with special needs son, but like I mentioned before when you were talking to W so much...it seems like a bit of an excuse to stay engaged with W. How does his special needs demand you spend Christmas with your cheating W and her MIL? Seems completely unrelated, but that's just me.

As I drove home with the kids after, we all were happy together and they expressed their love for me....Happy left in my truck kinda early to really have a great Christmas Eve here.

Nice to be the one going home with your kids for Christmas Eve, and not the one living away from them. Take pride in that, and enjoy your time with them.

Over there, W and MIL are not very happy to be honest.

Maybe, maybe not. Don't worry about mind reading.

I’m a man W would be a fool to leave.

Are you? I think you're a nice well intentioned guy, but also have real work to do. What's your action plan?

I believe it’s time to accelerate and reinforce my DB.

Sounds generic...what specifically?

Merry Christmas Rockon. I'm glad you're spending it with your children, and hope you had a good one. We're all wishing the best for you and your situation.

[Rockon]

R2C,
Yes will need to thoughtfully construct one.

[Rockon]

LH,
Yes I read you. We have been having a great Christmas and I’m very happy and thankful.
I appreciate you and am thankful for you kind input and care.

[Rockon]

BL,
For sure I have a lot of work to do. The gravity and seriousness are not lost on me. I so appreciate your honest thoughtful input.

[BL42]

Rockon,

R2C, Yes will need to thoughtfully construct one.

LH, Yes I read you. We have been having a great Christmas and I’m very happy and thankful.
I appreciate you and am thankful for you kind input and care.

BL, For sure I have a lot of work to do. The gravity and seriousness are not lost on me. I so appreciate your honest thoughtful input.

No offense, but these replies seem a bit generic, vague, and lazy. You say thanks and you'll have to think on it and you understand the importance, but people are asking you specific questions which you're glossing over and not answering. For example:

How was bailing her out of her car situation align with removing support? How do you even know her car broke down? Are we advising you not to answer her calls? And be slow and limited in response to her texts/emails?

W has been expressing lots of future family and couple plans with me and I’m non committal.

Care to be more specific? What future family and couple plans is she expressing specifically?

like I mentioned before when you were talking to W so much...it seems like a bit of an excuse to stay engaged with W. How does his special needs demand you spend Christmas with your cheating W and her MIL?

Are you going to start listening to the advice given? Don't want to come off as harsh - we all want the best for you - but it feels like you're at times only half-heartedly listening and generically responding and not digging deep into this.