New day today! Heading to D16 softball game! Nothing too eventful yesterday. W did tell me she got her 90 day coin in AA. Personally I’ve struggled a bit with the DB and no kissing, hugging, etc. We had been kissing, hugging, even unprompted ILY up until 2 days ago when I started renewing my DBing efforts. I know I’ll get over it, but sometimes feel like not doing these things puts me deeper into the friend zone. I also feel like this could reflect to her how I used to be when I didn’t get my way, kind of shunning her, which was manipulation or covert contracts at that time. I’ll continue to be chipper and GAL. Hope everyone is well!
If you stay on your path you will understand that when you love and value yourself you will have no desire to hug a kiss a person who has been unfaithful. You will also never allow yourself to be put in the friend zone. It takes time and is all part of the process.
I’m glad you wrote the letter and did not send it.
It is good to see a current overview of one’s situation. However, realize this is the snapshot of today. It will change. A sent letter will not.
Originally Posted by FwdMvmnt
I’m writing thoughts out that I’ve wanted to say for awhile and haven’t.
Lots of feelings in those words as well.
Feelings and thoughts do fade. Things that are white hot right now become less important somewhat. It’s part of the journey towards acceptance.
Originally Posted by FwdMvmnt
I have asked you to build a foundation of trust and honesty with me within the confines of marriage.
Originally Posted by FwdMvmnt
I have asked you to read about the spiritual effects of these actions have on God, Me and the children, and how divorce affects the family, especially the kids.
You’ve already told her. No need to again.
Originally Posted by FwdMvmnt
Is there ever a time to drop a bomb?
There is never a good time to drop a bomb. Consider the aftermaths of our spouses bomb dropping. Bombs are good for destruction. And cause plenty of collateral damage.
The chances of something like this letter waking her up is very remote. And some of the damages would be much more acrimonious relations and/or negotiations in the future.
Originally Posted by FwdMvmnt
I don’t think anyone is telling her what the consequences for her family is by her actions.
Originally Posted by FwdMvmnt
I have given you space to work things out, you haven’t.
F, W is on her timeline, not your’s. Her working out of things will be almost all internal and hidden from your view. And her processing will be slow, much slower than your’s. Do not conclude or place expectations of where or when she is, or what she is not doing, along her journey.
As to consequences: You do not want any hand in those. Leave her to God.
None of us are wise enough to know all ends. Any pushing or manipulating of our spouse’s path could yield some manner of result. A result which one cannot predict. You do not want the responsibility of her life’s direction upon your head. Leave that to her.
From your snapshot letter, consider what you can control and influence.
Originally Posted by FwdMvmnt
I am angry.
Originally Posted by FwdMvmnt
I am moving forward with God and our family.
Continue processing your emotions and grief.
Continue moving forward.
You’ve laid out, for yourself, a pretty good picture and understanding of where W currently is. Use that. Give it to God. Seek to find forgiveness.
You have well defined the sins. Now separate person from the sin; a good person behaving badly. We are not judge of the soul. Do not define her from her behaviour.
Love the sinner. Forgive the sin.
Important, you do not forgive the person. Trying to do that places one on a moral judgemental high ground. And who are we to decide upon who to bestow forgiveness? Love the person. Be kind and compassionate. Be understanding. Have empathy.
We forgive the deeds.
This process does not preclude holding one accountable and responsible for their actions. Forgiveness is not a free pass. It releases you. You write paid in full upon the invoice you are holding. It frees you from vengeance, and holding a grudge.
I was blessed to have found forgiveness rather quickly. A few months post BD I had a hellish nightmare of W’s eternal torment. Right then and there, I got up, knelt beside the bed, and in the dark of the night I begged God to forgive her. Ha, me a mere mortal trying to tell God that W did not deserve such a fate.
I realized I wanted no hand in her fate for this life or the after. I cannot judge her, the person. I also cannot judge her deeds, for I do not know all the mitigating circumstances that lead to her life choices.
I can hold her accountable sans judgement.
I can love her, and forgive her sins/deeds.
That was likely one of the most pivotal moments of my life. Absolutely life altering!
That night was the last night of a bad restless sleep. From the next day onward, I slept soundly and fully. My anger evaporated. I still worked through withdrawal, depression, and so on. Letting go, finding acceptance and peace.
Forgiving myself took a while longer. And was also a pivotal moment along my life’s journey. It was likewise freeing.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
FM at the root of your situation is your wife's active addiction, which is playing out in many forms (Sex, booze, self will run riot). Active addicts will not stop regardless of begging, pleading, anger, ultimatums, or the damage they cause to themselves and those around them. She has a disease, plain and simple, and that is running her. While she's active anything coming out of her mouth is the disease talking. When you engage you aren't talking to your wife, you are talking to her disease. When you engage, you lose. I know you know this, but it bears repeating.
This post is full of 2x4s for both you, and frankly other posters who do not understand active addiction or what Alanon is about and are trying to help you, but may inadvertently be making more problems for you in the short and long term. That being said, read on:
You want to give her a victim impact statement. It's way too early for that, friend. If she goes to a treatment facility, that may be part of the program, midway through. Right now, she's rubber and you're glue ...
You want to give her a LRT letter. There's no fertile ground for any of that to take root. Way too soon for that, also.
What makes an addict seek recovery?
THEY decide they've had enough.
THEY hit bottom.
THEY have a spiritual awakening.
Do you notice what word is missing from those sentences?
YOU.
Listen, I get it. I really do. With all due respect to anyone else's advice - this isn't about a WW or MLC. This is pure and simple addiction running rampant and no amount of 'manning up' is going to stop or change this in any way, shape or form.
Writing a letter in which you get to tell her everything she's doing wrong, what a spiritually and morally bankrupt person she is, and how victimized you all are by her is actually the very antithesis of dropping the rope. What you are really doing is holding tightly to that rope and virtually whipping her with it. Is that really the man you want to be, for yourself, your children, your wife?
How are you going to save your marriage and have hope for the kind of relationship with your wife that you outlined in your response to me?
Well, first of all, doesn't SHE need to be the person who is capable of being that kind of a partner to you? That would require sobriety and recovery, would it not? Something SHE has to want for herself.
How does she get to a point where she wants recovery? You letting her go is the first step.
I want you to think long and hard about your attitude and tone towards her. IF she hits bottom, IF she decides she wants to turn her life around, WHY would she come to you if you lead with self-righteousness, anger, ultimatums, moral superiority, control? She'll have enough guilt, shame and remorse without you adding to it. In fact, guilt, shame and remorse often keeps someone in active addiction long past the time when they actually do want to seek recovery. Don't add to that stumbling block. At the very least, it's not kind, nor is it compassionate.
I want to remind you that alcoholism and addiction is a disease, just like cancer, heart disease, diabetes. I'm pretty sure you'd treat her with compassion if she had any other disease, so what makes this different? The damage an active addict causes to themselves and those around them is astounding, but while you're protecting yourself and your children do not lose sight of the fact that she has a disease and needs help and compassion. Sometimes the only help we can give is to step back and out of the way and let them face the consequences of their actions without interference or judgment.
Man up. Give me a freaking break. This isn't something you can man up. This is so far beyond that. You know how you man up?
Your focus needs to shift OFF of her, her actions, what she's doing, and all the other stuff you wrote in that letter.
Your focus needs to be on YOU and YOUR CHILDREN. That shift in focus is what is meant by dropping the rope. You need to detach.
BTW, there is an AA book called Drop the Rock. All about Step 6. You may want to give it a read.
I'm going to talk to you as I would a Sponsee:
1.) Get a dictionary and a journal/notebook. Start looking up words and writing out definitions:
* Compassion
* Fierce Compassion
* Detachment
* Boundaries
* Co-dependency
* Equanimity
* Self righteousness
* Ultimatum
* Control
2.) Once you have the definitions WRITTEN OUT, I want you to pray and meditate on each one. I want you to think about all the ways you've practiced each word, your successes and more importantly, your failures. Then I want you to journal how you can turn those failures around. And do this while praying for guidance.
3.) Double down on your Alanon meetings. Actively listen without sharing yourself at one meeting per week.
4.) Go back over what you've written in your step work. You may find that you have things you want to add, especially in steps 1-3.
5.) Look at your relationship to the drama her addiction creates. Think about your relationship to it, what it costs you, what participating in it brings you. Journal about it. One of your goals is to make sure you do not create or add more drama.
I'm just going to lay this out here, because sadly, I think you need to think seriously about this: if she decides to file for D, you need to decide how you want the business end of your marriage to play out.
If/When she moves out of the marital home, will the kids - most especially your 6 year old - be safe in her company, unsupervised? He has already said he doesn't feel safe during her rages. Will your 16 year old daughter be safe, especially if there are men coming into the home?
Be honest. Assess this situation. Have you documented her episodes of lighting things on fire and other behaviors, the texting with other men, the incidents ? If not, why not? Get a notebook or put it in your phone, go back through your posts here and document what's happened, dates, times if you have them. She's already got texts to family members saying you make her feel threatened, cut off her access to credit cards and made her feel unsafe. Don't think for a second that won't be used against you. Document that your son said he didn't feel safe. Financially and physically protecting yourself and your kids needs to be your priority here.
Each human being is given freedom of choice. We may not respect the choices other people make, but we have zero right to deny them their choice. Don't deny her freedom of choice, but don't forget you also have freedom of choice - to act, or react. Be proactive in your choices for yourself and your family. There are ways to be firm in boundaries with fierce compassion. Lead with that, as often as you can, to the very best of your ability. That, my friend, is truly manning up.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
D, Thank you for your response. The way you bring things to clarity is amazing. I always appreciate your insight. I do forget at times that the sins do not define the person. I know this and allow my personal hurt and feelings to cloud this. I always look forward to your posts on my sitch and everyone else’s. Thank you!
Bttrfly, Wow, that post really hit home for me. I hear about how I am talking to the disease from my sponsor all the time, I realize it and then get sucked back into my own head. This post means the world to me as does your 2x4s please keep them coming. I will get working on the exercise you provided me, and post my results. I do not have everything written down, but do have all text messages from her and my ring footage downloaded. I do hope it doesn’t come to that and she gets better with or without being in our marriage. I will also be purchasing the book you recommended. I know that i allow the disease to cloud my judgement and then focus on how to save a marriage instead or how to grow myself. I’ve come so far and want to keep moving forward. The good news is a healthy me, can help create a new relationship either with her or someone else down the road. I have to maintain my focus on God and my growth. Thank you again for your post. More to come.
please keep them coming. I will get working on the exercise you provided me, and post my results. I do not have everything written down, but do have all text messages from her and my ring footage downloaded. I do hope it doesn’t come to that and she gets better with or without being in our marriage. I will also be purchasing the book you recommended. I know that i allow the disease to cloud my judgement and then focus on how to save a marriage instead or how to grow myself. I’ve come so far and want to keep moving forward. The good news is a healthy me, can help create a new relationship either with her or someone else down the road. I have to maintain my focus on God and my growth. Thank you again for your post. More to come.