Oh and I do like the fact that you waited to respond, and came to the board for suggestions. Too many LBSs are too impulsive with this kind of thing. So well done.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I consulted with a DB coach today and it was super helpful. She echoed words shared here about how dragging things out can push the MLC spouse in the other direction.
We talked about how I can be cooperative without being a doormat. She also said that it in my case, it wouldn't hurt to start some light chit chat. So, I sent the pictures of the MC (cooperation). I also told H that I am talking to lawyers in Big City, deliberately using the word "divorce," which he tends to avoid, to show that it doesn't scare me (not being a doormat).
Glad you sought out a DB coach. A most helpful resource.
I like purposefully and deliberately using the word divorce with H. That’s good for you (what you can control) and influences H as well. Removing his belief that you are afraid of divorce does disarm H somewhat, and takes some of the wind from his sails.
H now has the certificate, and the ball is back in his court. Let’s see where he takes this, and how fast.
You keep doing you. When are you moving into your new place in the big city? Or have you already?
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
LH19, thanks for your input. Yes, you are spot on. H specifically said there is "nothing to fix" in our M when he said he didn't want to talk. I'm not sure what you mean about friend-zoned? Could you say a bit more about that? My DB coach essentially said that for my sitch, where this is so little contact, I actually need to build up a friendship again.
Kind18, I'm with you. I want to be better at not worrying about his reactions and figuring out his brain. I appreciate you validating how difficult this is despite it not being vitriolic (for now at least).
SteveLW, thanks for dropping in. Yes, I'm trying to not be impulsive (i.e., not act like a crazy MLC alien), I appreciate you acknowledging that. This board is such a great resource and I'm so grateful for it. The DB coach was actually the one who recommended that I include the message and be a little chatty.
DnJ, I'm moving to the Big City in a couple weeks, thanks for asking. I'm expecting that H will reach out again next week after he meets with the lawyer. I feel some anxiety about this. I hate this feeling of walking on eggshells, always being afraid of making the wrong move. But I will continue to be assertive and draw boundaries (if I say it, it will come true).
-- I've been thinking about what my goals are for in my interactions with H. Frankly, I'm not really considering reconciliation. I don't dare to hope for it because the chances are so slim. So many stars need to align for an R to work out, and very few of them are within my control.
So, my goal is to just to communicate assertively and take my power back. Just take things as they come as an emotionally healthy, self-respecting person. My IC told me today that I shouldn't be afraid of H's reactions. If H throws a tantrum when I stand up for myself, this would not be surprising because this whole thing is childish. I don't want to be married to a child.
I'm not sure what you mean about friend-zoned? Could you say a bit more about that?
Friend Zone: a situation in which a friendship exists between two people, one of whom has an unreciprocated romantic or sexual interest in the other.
Don't be the person who is always available to another person who doesn't show you the same level of interest you'd like them to. Being there as a shoulder to cry on, or to help them with a move, or to go to the movies as someone they don't see as more than a friend when you want a romantic relationship with.
Originally Posted by marching
My DB coach essentially said that for my sitch, where this is so little contact, I actually need to build up a friendship again.
I'm not a professional coach, so take this for what it is, but personally I think it's unlikely you building up a rapport with H will matter if he's in an active affair. Which, not sure if you've 100% verified, but seems incredibly likely based on what you've shared.
Originally Posted by marching
Frankly, I'm not really considering reconciliation. I don't dare to hope for it because the chances are so slim. So many stars need to align for an R to work out, and very few of them are within my control.
I think you should work towards acceptance and peace that you'll likely get divorced. H has already asked you not to visit his home and said he wants D. He's likely in an affair. I know it's difficult, but the sooner you accept this as the likely result the better, as it will stop having power over you. The more you try to hold on to something you can't control the longer it'll control you.
Originally Posted by marching
My IC told me today that I shouldn't be afraid of H's reactions. If H throws a tantrum when I stand up for myself, this would not be surprising because this whole thing is childish.
Your IC is right. What do you have to be afraid of? The worst case has already happened. He can't do anything more to you than he already has. So don't be afraid; embrace it.
marching - You're young with no kids and have lived apart from H for several years npo. Serious question...why is it that you don't want a divorce? Reflect on that. Be honest with yourself.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Thanks for the input on the friendship thing. At this point, with contact is so minimal, we aren't even friends, so there is no risk of friendzoning, but if the rapport grows, yes, I don't plan on hanging onto his every word, I will not bend over backwards for approval, etc. As for being a friend while a spouse is in an affair—it's interesting, this seems to be quite a matter of debate on the forums. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
I appreciate you asking me why I don't want this divorce. It's certainly something I think about, and I won't go into all those reasons for now. Obviously I am not in a healthy relationship with the person H is right now. I deserve much, much better. Sometimes I just want to get the D over with. I know I will be okay.
I will continue to be assertive and draw boundaries (if I say it, it will come true).
Yes, our minds will bring to fruition that which we ask of it. Saying, especially writing, are powerful precursors to doing. The first step in any process is creation. Doing that creation ushers in the next step, doing the supportive actions.
Originally Posted by LH19
Just be careful you don’t friend zone yourself.
I agree with your DB coach, you likely needed to build/rebuild a friendship with H.
As has been stated a lover’s or wife’s friendship to her H is different than the friendship with the grocery store check out person. There is a chemistry, a spark, that lives within and between two people in love. As you speak friendly with H, becoming just a friend is the pitfall to avoid.
An example of being friend-zoned, well for a guy: When trying to get a date you are told you are such a good friend, like a brother, some one I can really talk to. Blam! Friend zoned. No one dates their brother.
Friends have a barrier or ceiling on the relationship. That relationship does not venture into the sexual and lover’s realm. If you want a chance at reconciliation, you be W. Not friend. Wife. Don’t be H’s sounding board, or confidant, or counsellor; be friendly. He can find “friends” to pour his heart out to, and folks to help him fix things. That is not a position where you want to get trapped in.
You’ve likely read plenty of the be flirty and vague and such, advice to posters. That is what encourages (for someone wanting it) the friendship of lovers. The advice is do not over do it, and don’t walk blindly into the friend zone.
Have a Merry Christmas m.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
