If she comes home without the intent of reconciliation that will be the final mail in the coffin of your marriage and IHS will probably end up putting you in the hospital in your current state of mind.
So if I had to guess or make is not willing to commit and she’s tired of living at moms.
Remember boundaries. She can do whatever she wants but not within your circle. Check with a lawyer and find out where you legally stand.
LH, Ok well I’m confused at times but trying to take and give space. What seems to me to be her confusion is how hot and cold she can be with me, our family and her friends. Don’t know if there’s any kind of pattern to it really, and I’m not trying to diagnose. We have agreed not to talk about our R and I am trying not to engage so I’m happy about that. She has seemed be all over the place about what she wants at this stage but clear to me is that she does not want to be told what to do, she doesn’t want to be controlled, pressured or smothered. I am trying to have zero expectations and basically let her be and focus on myself.
What do you mean you are confused trying to take and give space? You can NEVER give too much space. Let me repeat that. You can NEVER give too much space.
You use the word “trying” a lot. Like master Yoda says “ do or do not, there is no try”.
I feel bad for you Rock because you are a good guy with extreme anxiety issues and your W is using that against you to get what she wants. I do not like her.
She has seemed be all over the place about what she wants at this stage but clear to me is that she does not want to be told what to do, she doesn’t want to be controlled, pressured or smothered. I am trying to have zero expectations and basically let her be and focus on myself.
W is still baking. Give her time and space, enough to choke on. When she is ready you’ll know it. She will display true remorse.
I’m sure living at her Mom’s is growing thin and wearing on her (and her Mom). So be it. Not your circus, not your monkeys.
You’ve (or should have by now) spoken to a L and know what you can and cannot do regarding preventing her return to living under the same roof. There are many different jurisdictional rules and I do not know your locale’s take on this. And all the other factors, is she listed as an owner, and/or on the mortgage, still contributing to bills, kids, etc., and so on.
“Not interested” will encourage her look elsewhere and somewhat dissuade her. You know you do not want to be living with her as she currently is. Stay your course.
Originally Posted by LH19
You use the word “trying” a lot. Like master Yoda says “ do or do not, there is no try”.
Your mind is powerful. It crafts your world view.
Your mind is always listening creating the reality you ask of it. Speak with purpose. Do, or do not.
Quote
We have agreed not to talk about our R and I am trying not to engagedoing just that, so I’m happy about thatwith my resolve.
Rock, W is all over the place. She wants to live apart. She want to live back at home. Truth is, she doesn’t know what she wants. She feels things. And feelings (say it with me ) are fleeting. And so will her wants be fleeting and ever-changing until she traverses her path and resolves whatever is troubling her.
Focus on you, and let her walk her path.
I agree with the other posters and their wise counsel. Do not let W gaslight you. And I’ll add in a caution/warning for you. People in crisis, or emotionally driven, will utilize any and all means to lessen their pain. Projection and blame being high on the list, next to the obvious running from themselves. These folks often will use the legal system to their misguided ends. And I mean use, in the ugliest sense. Frivolous law suits, false accusations, and threats of police involvement being a few. The last one I could see W leveraging against you regarding the home.
My W utilize the threat of police action against me. And on another occasion made false accusations against me to the government. Such are the actions and behaviours of the emotionally troubled.
Christmas and other special days will stir our spouse’s feelings. (And our’s) It is quite common for these lost souls to poke their heads out and peer homeward. Do not alter your course based upon a few weeks of “positive-looking” confusion from W.
I’d recommend no Christmas gift for W. If you must do something, a plain generic card. I believe it best for you, and your situation. As counterintuitive as that likely sounds.
Stay strong Rock.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you D and everyone. Really taking all this to heart and appreciate your thoughtful responses. Treading carefully with strength, resolve and quiet confidence. I’m wish I could host you all at a pub or around a fire at the bowling lanes, have a blast.
I’m wish I could host you all at a pub or around a fire at the bowling lanes, have a blast.
We all do it virtually. Go out and meet new people and make it all about them. One person at time. One persona a day ends up to be over 300 in a year.
When you learn that everyone else out there is hurting or has been hurt in the past, it makes life much easier to go out an just enjoy others for who they are.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Been having great family times and also serving some less fortunate folks has brought a lift to my mood. Was out at the mall and ran into one of W’s friends who I don’t know very well at all. Said hello and was about to move on when she told me W’s OM might be breaking up with her. “Whatever,” I said, and did move on right then. I don’t even know how that friend knew that I know about A. I don’t have any connection with her whatsoever outside of W and even so it’s very superficial.
On to focusing on myself. W has been continuing to reach out to me lots about holidays, etc. hinting that I could spend extra time with her at her moms (rather not but no response was required). Haven’t had any need to respond.
) are fleeting. And so will her wants be fleeting and ever-changing until she traverses her path and resolves whatever is troubling her.