The fate of your marriage is not going to be decided on whether and how quickly you do or don’t supply him with a copy of the marriage certificate.
You can’t change what he’s going to do.
His request for a photo or copy of it is a reasonable request 🤷♂️ What benefit would denying or delaying have?
If you’re genuinely busy and don’t have the time, then don’t do it and tell him why.
Otherwise, just send it 🤷♂️
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And here he is again pressuring me in this "polite," passive aggressive way.
But is he REALLY being passive aggressive? I don’t think he is on this. The request was polite, reasonable. Passive aggressive would have been “since you won’t blah blah blah, I’m going to need a copy of the marriage certificate to give to my lawyer.”
What I would define as “passive aggressive” is deliberately withholding it or making it hard.
Sometimes it’s hard to see anything good or nice in someone that has hurt us so bad. I think it would be overwhelming if I were in your shoes, but objectively from the outside looking in it looks very different.
Good luck with whatever you decide. Definitely don’t decide in a hurry. Think on it for 24 hours.
Sorry you’re going through this Marching. It’s such a roller coaster.
I'd simply respond send a picture of the certificate per his request - no text or explanation or upset feelings. It answers his request and doesn't engage in any pressure or pursuit.
I also don't think H is acting passive-aggressive. He's clearly communicating he wants a D and is politely requesting some information to further that goal. Now he IS after an after, breaking his vows, and wanting to D you, and that's lousy behavior on his part, but in terms of this particular ask it sounds straightforward to to me, not passive aggressive.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Kind18 is very spot on here. I think one of the misconceptions on this board is the "don't do the heavy lifting advice" often given here. That doesn't mean to delay the process. In fact quite often the quicker deal you can make the better deal you will get.
What if your were to 180 it and act like you can't wait to get D'd so you could move on with the awesome life you are going to have moving forward.
I agree, I’d simply send H a copy of the marriage certificate.
This is an opportunity to not place boulders upon the path. This is not heavy lifting, nor will it significantly speed anything up.
Originally Posted by marching
My goal is to be assertive but not alienating. To stand up for myself while keeping the door cracked open.
Excellent goals.
Telling H to get his own copy would be working counter to your goals. That would fan his flames and propel him, adding fuel to his angry/depression ladened mixture. Remember, you want at some point, H to awaken to: “Hey, marching hasn’t been bugging me, or talking to me, or otherwise, and I am still unhappy. Hmmm, maybe it wasn’t her after all.” And then, with some good fortune, H will look inward.
Nothing you do, and everything you do, matters.
It matters for you! Everything, all suggestions, are for you. Be better, not bitter.
And the added benefit is it gives you the best chance at reconciliation.
Originally Posted by marching
Frankly, I don't understand why he would need them for "looking into things."
Don’t borrow trouble. Do not get ahead of yourself. Just deal with this request is all.
My W was a jet fuelled dragster and rocketed her way to a divorce in 60 days. Nothing I did mattered. And everything I did mattered. There is a new life beyond the wreckage, after the flames die down, and after the dust settles - a really good life. Seriously! And you are laying the foundation of that life right now. Everything matters for you. (((Hugs)))
If H can find his way. If he can find his senses. He will turn back towards you. Be a gal only a fool would leave. It’s then up to H, if he be a fool or not.
There are positives in this request as well. H is talking to you. Speaking civilly. H also knows you, and knows you are organized. He asked for a copy and pretty much knows you will be able to find the certificate no problem.
Unlike my W, your H is wallowing and slowly moving along. “Looking into things”, will have meaning for him too. He is not rocketing along mowing anything and everyone who stands in his way. I suspect H will stare at that certificate for many hours. Languishing in guilty torment and happy memories. A step towards awakening to what he is doing and considering.
It may not dissuade him from his ill-conceived and driven path of finding his happiness. Although, I would wager seeing his and your names on a certificate of marriage will give him pause.
The future is unwritten. Let it unfold. And do not write it off. Hope lives in the possibilities.
Strengthen your foundation. Build well.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
H just texted saying that he's going to "look into things" and asked me to send him pictures of our marriage certificate.
As you read things, learn to edit out things that don't matter. What I striked out doesn't matter.
Is this an easy task for you? If yes, then snap the picture and send it. This is your best choice.
If the answer is no, then you have two choices. 1) Text him "I should have time to look for the MC this weekend" 2) I am not sure where the MC is. It might be easier if you order a copy from the court house"
Originally Posted by marching
Is this my opportunity to use the response everyone suggested last time ("I don't agree but I won't stand in your way")?
I believe this needs to be your state of mind. Your actions then reflect this to him.
I know this is tough. It is the hardest thing most of us will ever go through.
HUGS
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Kind18, BL42, LH19, DnJ, thanks so much for your input and support. I can see how the ask isn't passive aggressive.
I worry that my perception is warped because I think I was a doormat in the weeks after BD and now I am at risk of going too far in the opposite direction. For example, I thought he was justified in not letting me in "the" (not "our") apartment and not helping me make alternative arrangements. I really wish I had stood up for myself then. And I never explicitly stated that I don't want the divorce, I just said I accepted and respected his decision; I was afraid that saying anything more would push him away.
So, I appreciate the feedback. I see how complying with this request wouldn't be doormat behavior. Still think H is being weird though, because in Country B, as elsewhere, you don't need the certificate to make inquiries about the D process.
I consulted with a DB coach today and it was super helpful. She echoed words shared here about how dragging things out can push the MLC spouse in the other direction.
We talked about how I can be cooperative without being a doormat. She also said that it in my case, it wouldn't hurt to start some light chit chat. So, I sent the pictures of the MC (cooperation). I also told H that I am talking to lawyers in Big City, deliberately using the word "divorce," which he tends to avoid, to show that it doesn't scare me (not being a doormat).
H said, "That's great, thank you." He's going to talk to a lawyer next week to figure "it" out for Country B and "then we can see what's more practical."
I went out on a limb and responded with a gif about lawyers that referenced one of our inside jokes and said "ok" (attempt at chit chat).
He responded to the gif with a laughing emoji.
I was surprised that H sounded appreciative of me talking to lawyers. I didn't mention that I also already consulted a lawyer in Country B. I worried he might feel threatened. To the contrary, it's like he thinks figuring out the legal stuff is now a team effort and I've taken up half of the work (am I mind-reading too much?).
This all feels very weird because we've hardly had any contact since BD. But sure, we'll just chummily proceed with a life-changing legal process without having had any serious discussion about our M or attempts to improve it beforehand.
Well, it's definitely preferable to the ugly, acrimonious messes that some folks unfortunately have suffered.
I should note that H still doesn't know where I am living right now. I haven't told him about my moving plans, either, and he hasn't asked.
Civil is always preferable to contentious. Just be careful you don’t friend zone yourself. He’s done his homework and understands you need a lawyer in this process. You haven’t had a conversation on fixing the marriage because he doesn’t want to fix it. That’s hard work and it’s “easier” to walk away and start over. Maybe he’s right or maybe he’s wrong. The future will determine that.
I see lots fear and worry-driven behaviour here. Let him feel whatever he wants to feel, he’ll need to hitch his big boy pants up and deal with his own emotions.
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am I mind-reading too much?
Yes, you are. Trying to understand what a WAS/WS is thinking is like trying to understand 1+1=73
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Well, it's definitely preferable to the ugly, acrimonious messes that some folks unfortunately have suffered.
Don’t understate how hard it is, what you’re going through is hell on earth.
But yes, if you can get through a divorce without all the vitriol you stand an excellent chance of a better split, better custody… and you don’t fill up two lawyer’s bank accounts with your own and your children’s future education money.
