M, I also have had times (like Saturday night) when I was trying to make it from one minute to the next - felt like a dagger was somewhere between my diaphragm and heart. Other days go better for me now though it’s now always like that.
I read your thread as a lurker, and I was so appalled by your stbx's manchild behavior. Ditching his family, taking up yoga and astrology, wearing a man bun, going to concerts with his young friends instead of taking care of his baby. On his high horse talking about some mystical bullshit while you are literally saving lives. So cruel, and honestly so embarrassing for him. I'm sorry you had to deal with such a mess. It sounds like you are doing well now though—it's really heartening to see how people come out stronger on the other side. Thanks so much for the support.
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He even speaks highly of me to his friends and family still - I thought I was maybe in denial about how the marriage and my perception was.
The mixed signals are so crazy-making! Speaking well of you but treating you so poorly. Believe nothing of what they say and only 50% of what they do, indeed.
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but of course it was not on purpose, it was because he was trying to protect his emotions and was just reflecting his people-pleasing nature in response to childhood trauma, and the cheating/divorce/lying was because he needed to be true to himself. Ok, buddy.
Yes, I hear you, and this describes my situation exactly! I could not believe my ears when H said he has to do this to grow as a person, that he's already matured so much (this after just a month of separation).
As for the phrase "politely icing me out," the credit must go to Rockon
Hi Marching! You are so kind to ask. Little guy is doing amazing Sweet as can be and silly. He's already trying to read books and yelling at the parts that the main character is yelling. I'm super lucky to be his mom.
Thanks for reading my thread and validating me. Heard echoes of my past in yours when I went through bomb drop #1. You're way ahead than I was at first bomb drop.
Watching you interact with others and your thoughtful kind responses are a testament to your character. You're an amazing person and I hope you don't lose that in all of this. It's easy to do, when you feel fractured with the guilt and the trashed self esteem and the being treated like a question mark. I know how you feel when initially you look for success stories alone, and then far later when you finally feel whole again you're just like "how does anyone even take these people back?"
I've heard, repeatedly, that the best way to get the interest of someone back is by completely moving on. It seems like many of the LBS achieved that after realizing they didn't care if their WAS came back.
If that happens with you, please make sure he shows total remorse and truly apologizes. You deserve so much more than being treated like how you are.
DnJ, BL42, and R2C, thank you so much for the encouragement. The wise words about letting go of control, taking things as they come, staying in the present, and treating this as an opportunity sink a little deeper each time I hear them.
Rockon, I'm really sorry that Saturday night was so rough for you. I hope the good days will eventually outnumber the bad. Please keep taking care of yourself.
Newborn, I'm glad to hear that your little guy is doing well! Amazing that he's already trying to read books! Mimicking the main character when they yell—that's adorable! I appreciate your kind words so much. You absolutely hit the mark—I'm working on overcoming feelings of guilt and building up my self-esteem. I could have been more attentive to H's mounting unhappiness. But of course it's so easy to see the signs in hindsight. And I couldn't have and can't fix him. In any case, although I'm not perfect, I know I was good partner. You're right, on the off chance that H ever comes around, he'll be the one to have to prove that he deserves me! So far he's only expressed guilt and not genuine remorse.
Don't remember if I made this update, but the move back to the Big City is official. Found a short-term sublet, bought my flight. I've my friends. I'm filling up my calendar with a lot of hobbies and feel really good about it.
It'll be a bit strange to see people from work again. Everyone knew about my long-distance marriage and plans to move to Country B. They all said really nice good-byes and wished me well just a few months ago. Not sure how I will handle questions about my return. I guess a simple "I'm separated" will do?
Depending upon who the person is, you may consider expanding things a bit to better explain your reason of return. “H made a surprise announcement of wanting a divorce. We are currently separated.”
It does helps to provide a few details (not all the sordid mess, just a few facts). Folks will want to know, and in the absence of any information, well it’s best to limit the guesswork and gossip. Also, folks do care about you, and they will better empathize with you.
Like I said, it depends. For me, my coworkers were friends. Family friends. Meals at my house. Christmas gatherings with families. They knew my (then) W. Our kids were, and still are, friends. To those folks I explained more fully.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Don't remember if I made this update, but the move back to the Big City is official. Found a short-term sublet, bought my flight. I've my friends. I'm filling up my calendar with a lot of hobbies and feel really good about it.
Good! I think you're wise to move there. GAL like crazy with your hobbies and friends.
Originally Posted by marching
It'll be a bit strange to see people from work again. Everyone knew about my long-distance marriage and plans to move to Country B. They all said really nice good-byes and wished me well just a few months ago.
There are going to be awkward encounters and situations. You may feel more awkward about if than others either if you don't need to. They are your friends and coworkers they'll be kind to you. If there's a silver lining to a bad situation it is that H is living in another country - very unlikely to have the run ins you would if you were both in the same town.
Originally Posted by marching
Not sure how I will handle questions about my return. I guess a simple "I'm separated" will do?
I'm with DnJ on keeping it simple. Try not to act hurt and bitter and leak all the messy details. Factual, short, and to the point. Then deflect onto something more cheerful. You don't need to cry on everyone's shoulder - save that for your family and closest friend - and go out and enjoy GAL and be positive and upbeat with all the rest.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Have you watch the Jocko Willink videos on breakups yet? There's one on "The Warrior Mentality When Dealing With Breakups" and another "How to Get Over Break Ups and Betrayal". I enjoy watching those every once in awhile to get in the right mindset. There's one part where he explains how he used to tell his fellow seals when they told him about a breakup or divorce "Oh right on bro, congrats...let's rock and roll!". Reminds me of you telling your friends and coworkers and then having them take you out for some fun.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Depending upon who the person is, you may consider expanding things a bit to better explain your reason of return. “H made a surprise announcement of wanting a divorce. We are currently separated.”
I would also add "How have you been?" to turn the convo away from you and back to them.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thanks for the suggestions, BL42 and R2C! I haven't seen those videos—will check them out, thanks! I like the idea of keeping things light and then deflecting.
An unpleasant update in my sitch. H just texted saying that he's going to "look into things" and asked me to send him pictures of our marriage certificate. This just two weeks after he said he wouldn't bring "it" up again and understood that I'm dealing with a lot right now. (Love how he doesn't straight up say "divorce.") We have had 0 contact since then. I had a feeling he'd still end up pressuring me. And here he is again pressuring me in this "polite," passive aggressive way.
Will give it 24-48 hours before I respond. Is this my opportunity to use the response everyone suggested last time ("I don't agree but I won't stand in your way")? What are your thoughts on sending the pictures? Frankly, I don't understand why he would need them for "looking into things." I am tempted to tell him that he is welcome to order a copy of the certificate himself.
My goal is to be assertive but not alienating. To stand up for myself while keeping the door cracked open.
