Marching in limbo with MLC H

[Rockon]

But it was you marching who helped me to see that - I merely combined the ice and the politeness.

[marching]

Solidarity and power! Yes, I love that. I'm glad we can support each other through this horrible time. And it's nice to hear that my venting here can be useful to people. Thanks, Rockon.

This grieving process is such a rollercoaster. We'll get through it.

[marching]

I'm spending a lot of time reading reconciliation stories here. Have been doing this for a couple months. I noticed the way I'm reading them is changing.

I started out seeking out reasons for hope. I hoped I'd find a situation similar to mine and learn from it to find a magic solution to bring H back. And there are truly some remarkable turnarounds on this site.

My reading of reconciliation stories is still motivated by this, a bit. Ok, I admit, sometimes maybe a lot. But so far I haven't found any stories that are similar and I know that even if I did, it wouldn't make sense to use them as guides for my situation anyway. I'm coming a bit closer to acceptance that things are the way they are.

Recently, I've found that I focus much more on the crap behavior of the WAS's. I wonder why the LBS's still want the WAS's and am more interested in how the WAS's redeem themselves rather than in what the LBS's did to get them back. (And of course, if there is any common denominator, it's following the usual DB principles.)

[Rockon]

This is a growing edge for me that I am not doing that well at. I “know” it to be true, but I am still having a hard time buying in. I search and mine for hope and for evidence to support my belief that W is maybe hoping to reconcile at some point, but I have to. disbelief what she says and half what she does. If she wants back it will be clear but so far I’m just confused..

[marching]

I'm with you, Rockon. Sometimes I rake over every little interaction I've had with H to try to figure him out. But the thing is, we can never really know what's going on in other people's heads, much less in those of our alien spouses. They likely don't even know themselves.

It's really hard to not want to peer into a reconciled future. Really, really hard. I've always been a planner and I've been very lucky—up until now, things in my life have more or less gone according to plan. So, it really [censored] to not know what's gonna happen and to realize that there's only so much that I can control. Sometimes the pain can be so bad that the only thing I can do is to get through the day hour by hour! Sometimes even half-hour increments. I've been dropped into a course on mindfulness that I didn't sign up for!

[Kind18]

Googling “ex wife wants me back” or searching this site’s reconciliation stories for a golden ticket back to marriage is fraught with danger. That’s one of the reasons that newcomers get told that the chance their marriage will be saved is very low.

It suggests your detachment is not progressing well, and that you need to seek out some professional counselling. Don’t get me wrong, detachment doesn’t happen overnight. It takes years! But you’re trying to do something you don’t have the skills for.

The three best ways forward are:
1. Extreme exercising to keep your mind busy and shut down emotionally driven thoughts and rumination
2. Professional counselling
3. Understanding that you didn’t cause this, you can’t fix it

[marching]

Thanks for the input, Kind18. I appreciate the reminder that detachment doesn't happen overnight and that we're trying to do something that we don't have the skills for. My next IC appointment can't come soon enough.

[DnJ]

Hello m

Yes, at times the path gets pretty difficult. There were times I endured the day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Literally, minute by minute during the worst of it.

Some of my first advice to you was: We all require a certain amount of understanding before we can/will let go. That’s what you are doing. Working to understand. Working to rationalize. All normal and healthy.

You have been placed / forced upon a path not of your choosing. Mindfulness being one of the many lessons along the way. Keep moving forward, you are doing fine. And I am sure you will find your way and become one of the folks who embrace this golden opportunity.

You were mentioning hope. Working to keep it, hang on to it, and such. The reconciliation stories and threads, an extension of that. I suspect you will find, like I did, your hope will strengthen quite a bit, once you shift hope’s focus somewhat and let go / give to God.

Have faith. Trust. Let your future unfold.

Be mindful of the withdrawal I spoke about. You have your mind, your intellect, your reason, and your logic. You are most formidable (if I may state a rather obvious fact). Utilize it. While keeping your heart soft and squishy.

The path is many small steps. And yes, at times, it’s quite a slog. Keep moving forward.

D

[BL42]

marching,

I've always been a planner and I've been very lucky—up until now, things in my life have more or less gone according to plan. So, it really [censored] to not know what's gonna happen and to realize that there's only so much that I can control.

"only so much I can control" indeed. Release control completely and find acceptance. You have no idea how wonderful your life might become because of what's happened to you. Use it as a opportunity for growth.

Sometimes the pain can be so bad that the only thing I can do is to get through the day hour by hour! Sometimes even half-hour increments.

After BD for me it seemed like minutes took hours and days took weeks...but now I'm nearly 3 years in and it's incredible how quickly time has flown by. You'll get through it.

I've been dropped into a course on mindfulness that I didn't sign up for!

LOL, indeed! I was just commenting on DW17's thread how I never even heard of mindfulness before my sitch - I had no idea what my IC was talking about - and now I understand so much better the need for Zen and all those concepts.

[Ready2Change]

Release control completely and find acceptance. You have no idea how wonderful your life might become because of what's happened to you. Use it as a opportunity for growth.