Two things just happened that lifted my mood a lot.
1. I had an appointment with a new C. She gave me some tips on how to be more assertive with H. She thinks H is in a bubble of emotional chaos and his recent behavior is immature, selfish, manipulative, and possibly even delusional. (Which the DBers here all touched on more or less.) I thought it might be a drag to start over with a new C but her perspective and approach are really helpful.
2. A temporary housing solution fell into my lap thanks to a friend. A reminder of just how great my friends are. Really looking forward to hanging out with them in the Big City. We're making lots of fun plans.
Awesome! I've found in life and posting on this forum that things have a way of working out. I think if more people trusted in that they'd stay calmer and remain rational.
Good stuff, and congratulations!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
BL42, I appreciate your support. It's amazing what one can accomplish in just one IC session when the counselor is good. And for sure, I will GAL like crazy!
DnJ, definitely, it's really nice to have one less logistical thing to stress about. what you say makes a lot of sense. Withdrawal seems to fit with what I'm going through. Like all things, I guess it simply takes time, and also not making things harder for myself by limiting exposure. Thanks for the heads up about how things will likely get worse.
SteveLW, you make a really good point. What a good reminder to take the long view. It's true, things do have a way of resolving themselves. When I think back on things in the past that caused me a LOT of anxiety, I realize that everything worked out in the end. And you increase the chance of having a good outcome if you make calm and rational decisions!
Thinking about yesterday's IC session. The C helped me realize just how cruel H's behavior is. Of course, from the outset, I was hurt by how he's treated me and I thought it was unfair, but now I see a deeper layer to his lashing out. For example, he has walked back what he said about being resentful of me; he even said I was a good partner. He has also repeatedly said he feels guilty. When he reiterated that I was not welcome in the apartment, he even said that it would not be good for me to stay there (as if he was protecting me!). There are a lot of other seemingly "kind" gestures that I won't get into here.
But now I see more clearly how those words do not fit his actions. No matter how he spins it, he's icing me out and shows no concern for my perspective or well-being. He clearly blames our relationship (and by extension, me) for all of his problems, even if he says that that's not what this is about. He hasn't really spewed or monstered at me. Instead, he masks his crap behavior with politeness. Nevertheless, he's calling all the shots. I'm writing this to remind myself to be wary of this kind of treatment in the future. It's really insidious and I am working on developing the clarity and the strength to see it and to stand up for myself. I will not let anyone in any area of my life disrespect me this way.
marching, excellent stuff. I truly believe we teach people how to treat us. Clarity and awareness like you are gaining is the way to prevent it and teach people around us what we will and won't tolerate.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hi Rockon, thanks for stopping by my thread. I'm really sorry that your W is treating you this way. It's really crazy-making, to be so disrespected but in a largely "nice" manner. The silver lining is that we LBS's are pushed to grow. Really good work learning to take back your power—it's not an easy process! I took a look at your sitch and cannot imagine how difficult it must be to enforce boundaries when you have to co-parent at the same time. Keep at it.
SteveLW, thank you. And agreed 100%. We teach people how to treat us.
I just caught up with a friend I haven't talked to a while. I learned that she's also going through a divorce and has been separated from her H for almost half a year! In fact, she and her H decided to end things just a few days before I hung out with them in the summer. At the time, they weren't ready to tell people yet, so they were still socializing as a couple. I couldn't tell that they were having problems at all.
Sounds like their split, while very painful, was handled with maturity. It took some time for my friend's H, who initiated it, to open up about his feelings, but the couple was able to have a series of conversations about it, and the decision became mutual. They parted amicably. The first few months of the separation were horrible for my friend, but she loves her life now. And they are friends.
I'm comparing that with how H has gone about this and more scales are falling out of my eyes. Just a few days ago I was crying and missing H a lot. But today, those loving feeling are very faint, because I am so disgusted by H. I really question whether I would want H back if he ever comes around. He's got a LOT of work to do and I wonder if he is strong enough for it. Even immediately after BD, I knew intellectually that I wouldn't want him in his alien state. But I still wanted him back ASAP. Now, I think my heart is catching up with my head.
Lol let's see if my attitude changes again in a week. Gonna give things more time.
Hi Marching! So sorry you're going through this. I was catching up on your thread and although I'm going through something similar (a bit different bc there's a baby involved!) I really appreciated you phrasing "politely icing you out".
I don't know if you felt this way, but I had wondered if these forums were appropriate for me to read, if I was even experiencing what others did since stbx was also very much "polite" about things. He even speaks highly of me to his friends and family still - I thought I was maybe in denial about how the marriage and my perception was.
Then you see here on these forums how varied cruelty can be. Just because they're not spewing hatred now (guess he kinda did in the beginning) stbx still gaslit, lied, and cheated, but of course it was not on purpose, it was because he was trying to protect his emotions and was just reflecting his people-pleasing nature in response to childhood trauma, and the cheating/divorce/lying was because he needed to be true to himself. Ok, buddy.
I'm farther along in this process than you, and yes, all will work itself out. You'll look back and realize how much stronger you are than this guy and how you deserve so much more. He's obviously in an identity crisis and he personifies the whole "believe nothing what they say and 50% of what they do" that is commonly said around here. You can't trust him because he doesn't even know what HE wants, or is. Perhaps he'll figure it out, grow up and apologize profusely and work on improving, perhaps he wont. You'll be amazing no matter what and will be fine on your own or with someone else.
I read your thread as a lurker, and I was so appalled by your stbx's manchild behavior. Ditching his family, taking up yoga and astrology, wearing a man bun, going to concerts with his young friends instead of taking care of his baby. On his high horse talking about some mystical bullshit while you are literally saving lives. So cruel, and honestly so embarrassing for him. I'm sorry you had to deal with such a mess. It sounds like you are doing well now though—it's really heartening to see how people come out stronger on the other side. Thanks so much for the support.
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He even speaks highly of me to his friends and family still - I thought I was maybe in denial about how the marriage and my perception was.
The mixed signals are so crazy-making! Speaking well of you but treating you so poorly. Believe nothing of what they say and only 50% of what they do, indeed.
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but of course it was not on purpose, it was because he was trying to protect his emotions and was just reflecting his people-pleasing nature in response to childhood trauma, and the cheating/divorce/lying was because he needed to be true to himself. Ok, buddy.
Yes, I hear you, and this describes my situation exactly! I could not believe my ears when H said he has to do this to grow as a person, that he's already matured so much (this after just a month of separation).
As for the phrase "politely icing me out," the credit must go to Rockon
Marching and newborn, Solidarity and power. Don’t stand for Bull$hit! I have so much respect for both of you and really I feel so much pain, disbelief and now more seasoned anger as I am grieving and lamenting what has been trampled, discarded, dishonoured and lost. Gather strength. R
