Read your text messages and emails at a time of your choosing. I learned this lesson when I made the mistake of reading an email from my X right before bedtime out on a hunting trip. Couldn't sleep and missed my hunt.
I have only had two urgent phone calls in my life. Even then, They could have waited.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I’m trying to give lots of space and to let things simmer down. I also want to address and resolve our issues in a healthy way and not just ignore or sweep under the rug.
Last edited by DnJ; 12/11/2208:21 PM. Reason: Corrected typo.
I’m trying to give lots of space and to let things dinner down. I also want to address and resolve our issues in a healthy way and not just ignore or sweep under the rug.
The problem is that she doesn’t not that’s why you don’t engage.
I’m trying to give lots of space and to let things *simmer* down. I also want to address and resolve our issues in a healthy way and not just ignore or sweep under the rug.
that's always the goal, but you may be the only one doing that and you may not get what you want. as soon as you fully accept that you have zero control over what she says or does, you'll be in a better spot, as weird as that sounds.
when they're raging it's never productive to engage. also worth remembering that they know all of your buttons, and do their best to push you into a response. you can always step back, hang up, remove yourself from an untenable situation.
Remember, we teach people how we want to be treated by what we do and do not accept.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Yes butterfly this is all so very true and I have been shocked one time after another since BD. But now I suppose I am wiser and want to proceed cautiously, soberly and with discretion.
Yes LH, I am resisting engaging. I have spent this weekend looking after myself, GAL, journaling some self reflection homework, connecting with good solid friends, reached out and encouraged a friend (young man). Exercised and looked after my home. Had a really great connection spending time with D this morning.listening to each other expressing care and honor. No badmouthing from me and yet being vulnerable and honest with what was appropriate.
From BF: “ 'd say that you did perfectly. You can always tell because they start to lose their minds even more when we stay calm and controlled. Some thoughts:
*Hold steady. When she starts escalating say the same thing every time: this is not productive and I'm not interested in continuing this discussion right now. Absolutely do not elaborate. The less said the better. A firm not going to do this now, and end the call, or walk away if you're in person.
THIS is good. I have used this in the past - before BD - when she would be aggressive escalated or insulting . And she didn’t like it.
*always act calm even if you're boiling up inside. you can melt down later when you're out of their sight/earshot.
*Do not allow yourself to get sucked into discussions you don't want to have.
* If it's something you would say to your kid for misbehaving, then it absolutely IS NOT something to say to your spouse.
Give me some situations and I'll try to give you an example of what I mean”
Ok the “do not allow yourself to get sucked into conversations you don’t want to have”
That keeps happening. I am trying to distance detach and disengage. I have been improving - going away was the BEST! But there is a lot that we need to connect on and then W brings up a topic that I don’t want to discuss, like her taking our bed. I don’t want to discuss our R. I want to be focused.
Goes back to the point above “Hold steady” and repeat the script if she escalates,
“This is not productive and I’m not interested in continuing this discussion right now.”
