During a conversation when we were discussing urgent needs of S, W said I can’t treat her like a child. I can’t behavior modify her to move back in with me. I replied that I am not trying to do anything like that and that I control myself I don’t control not her anyone else. She said you don’t need to think about her wanting our bed any more and that she could hire a truck and movers and come and get 1/2 of the stuff from our home or she could take me to court. She was being aggressive and I said I needed to go I had to concentrate on my driving. She hung up.
Your W is helping you by telling you that you can’t nice her back. No need to parrot back DB principles. You know you control you. She’s trying to bully you into giving her the bed. How do you face a bully you stand up to them. “Give me a list of what you want and I will think about it”. “I’m not giving you anything until I speak to my lawyer”.
You are going to have to start taking a stance rock or she will steamroll you.
I don't claim to know the specifics of your S's urgent needs, but is it absolutely necessary you have verbal conversations with W about it so often? Multiple vets have told you repeatedly throughout your 5 threads to stop engaging with your W. It seems like the majority of times you talk with her it doesn't end well.
Originally Posted by Rockon
During a conversation when we were discussing urgent needs of S
Be honest w/yourself...was verbal conversation absolutely necessary or you might it be a crutch to stay engaged with W?
Originally Posted by Rockon
W said I can’t treat her like a child. I can’t behavior modify her to move back in with me. I replied that I am not trying to do anything like that and that I control myself I don’t control not her anyone else.
Why did you make this response? DB'ing principles say listen and validate, NOT disagree or argue.
Originally Posted by Rockon
She said you don’t need to think about her wanting our bed any more and that she could hire a truck and movers and come and get 1/2 of the stuff from our home or she could take me to court.
You should go through your house, room by room, and document everything of value. Take your smartphone and video you walking through the entire house. Take individual pictures of anything significant. It won't take long, and hopefully you won't need to, but if she removes something major you now have evidence to prove it was a marital asset. Worse case you wasted 20 mins of your life. People think "oh, MY case won't escalate"...do not be a cautionary tale.
Originally Posted by Rockon
She was being aggressive and I said I needed to go I had to concentrate on my driving. She hung up.
Did you want to go because she was being aggressive, or so you could concentrate on your driving? Because your comment seems a bit disingenuous and passive aggressive.
Originally Posted by LH19
Your W is helping you by telling you that you can’t nice her back. No need to parrot back DB principles. You know you control you. She’s trying to bully you into giving her the bed. How do you face a bully you stand up to them. “Give me a list of what you want and I will think about it”. “I’m not giving you anything until I speak to my lawyer”.
You are going to have to start taking a stance rock or she will steamroll you.
^Read LH's post several times...and listen to his advice.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
BL, Yes it is necessary at this stage to collaborate and conversation as much as we are. I hope that changes. I really want more space from W.
“ Originally Posted by Rockon W said I can’t treat her like a child. I can’t behavior modify her to move back in with me. I replied that I am not trying to do anything like that and that I control myself I don’t control not her anyone else. Why did you make this response? DB'ing principles say listen and validate, NOT disagree or argue” I actually did listen and validate and also clarified my intentions.
“ Originally Posted by Rockon She said you don’t need to think about her wanting our bed any more and that she could hire a truck and movers and come and get 1/2 of the stuff from our home or she could take me to court. You should go through your house, room by room, and document everything of value. Take your smartphone and video you walking through the entire house. Take individual pictures of anything significant. It won't take long, and hopefully you won't need to, but if she removes something major you now have evidence to prove it was a marital asset. Worse case you wasted 20 mins of your life. People think "oh, MY case won't escalate"...do not be a cautionary tale” Will do
“ Originally Posted by Rockon She was being aggressive and I said I needed to go I had to concentrate on my driving. She hung up. Did you want to go because she was being aggressive, or so you could concentrate on your driving? Because your comment seems a bit disingenuous and passive aggressive” Ok point taken. It was both - I needed to take space for myself because i won’t engage with aggression and also I needed to stop the conversation to focus safely on driving.
Certainly these conversations are going places I don’t want to go. I don’t want to engage like this and I don’t want R talks at this time. I confess I am struggling and I am listening to what you are telling me but I am having a hard time implementing. And in my responses to you, I wonder if I come across defensive or cocky because that is not how I want to be and not what I want to convey to W.
Rock we I know you are struggling because I can feel it in your posts. You feel like you are losing your family and there is nothing you can do about it. It’s very destabilizing. You are acting out of fear which is never a good thing. It may help to write things down regarding what you’re afraid of if you divorce.
As for your W less is more right now. You have a major case of Nice Guy Syndrome which should be addressed at some point.
Your W is very manipulative and calculating and is making sure she gets her way and is not viewed as the bad person here. Don’t let her off the hook here.
Keep faking it until you make it because eventually you will be ok. This is not easy but things worth having in life are typically not. Lots of hard to do moving forward.
It’s hard and you’re struggling atm because good DBing is hard and it’s the opposite of what she has trained and groomed you to be for so many years - a Mr Nice Guy who fears her.
Hold your chin up. I think you handled this very well.
Yes, document all your possessions ASAP and install wifi cameras in the house. Ask your lawyer about legality of changing locks if she continues to openly threaten taking stuff from the house without agreement.
You know why she’s lashing out? Because she’s learning she can’t manipulate and control you. This wasn’t a sh** interaction because you did the wrong thing, it was a sh*t interaction because she is starting to realise she can’t bully you. That’s why it’s hard, so don’t take it personally.
The better you DB, the more frustrated and angry she will be.
You know the easiest way to avoid this from happening - don’t answer the phone when she calls. Nothing is urgent enough for you to answer first time. Let it go to voice mail. On the 1 in a million chance it’s an emergency, she’ll keep ringing and will text as well.
You engage, you lose.
Next time: 1. Phone rings 2. Rockon lets it go to voice mail 3. An hour later, she tries again and you let it go to voicemail. 4. She texts and says “why aren’t you answering! I knew divorcing you was the right thing, you won’t even answer my calls. I need my mattress, you don’t own it, I’m going to come clean the house out with a truck.” 4. You wait 24 hours. Then you write back “We’ve already had the bed discussion. Thanks!” 5. You turn your phone off, go and watch a movie, go to a bar, or invite some mates over for a BBQ. 6. Know that she’s gonna lose her sh**. But don’t worry about it, this is about her, not you. Don’t take it on. If you expect crazy, you won’t be shocked 🤣
It’s hard and you’re struggling atm because good DBing is hard and it’s the opposite of what she has trained and groomed you to be for so many years - a Mr Nice Guy who fears her.
Hold your chin up. I think you handled this very well.
Yes, document all your possessions ASAP and install wifi cameras in the house. Ask your lawyer about legality of changing locks if she continues to openly threaten taking stuff from the house without agreement.
You know why she’s lashing out? Because she’s learning she can’t manipulate and control you. This wasn’t a sh** interaction because you did the wrong thing, it was a sh*t interaction because she is starting to realise she can’t bully you. That’s why it’s hard, so don’t take it personally.
The better you DB, the more frustrated and angry she will be.
You know the easiest way to avoid this from happening - don’t answer the phone when she calls. Nothing is urgent enough for you to answer first time. Let it go to voice mail. On the 1 in a million chance it’s an emergency, she’ll keep ringing and will text as well.
You engage, you lose.
Next time: 1. Phone rings 2. Rockon lets it go to voice mail 3. An hour later, she tries again and you let it go to voicemail. 4. She texts and says “why aren’t you answering! I knew divorcing you was the right thing, you won’t even answer my calls. I need my mattress, you don’t own it, I’m going to come clean the house out with a truck.” 4. You wait 24 hours. Then you write back “We’ve already had the bed discussion. Thanks!” 5. You turn your phone off, go and watch a movie, go to a bar, or invite some mates over for a BBQ. 6. Know that she’s gonna lose her sh**. But don’t worry about it, this is about her, not you. Don’t take it on. If you expect crazy, you won’t be shocked 🤣
Keep it up Buddy 💪
Turning phone to airplane mode or off is very very hard at first. But when you start conditioning yourself to do it, it is liberating.. I have kids, so its a bit hard to, as I would hate to miss an emergency call. But, try it, airplane mode at night till you get up.. Baby steps.
Thank you gentlemen I needed to read these messages. Onward today. Going out with a friend. Then will spend some time on my own working out and then journaling.
