Action 4

[Rockon]

Ya she lives with her mom - no mention from her about direction/next steps - tho she did bring up in a text that MIL wants her to start paying rent - wasn’t a question so I didn’t answer. Actually she has mentioned the idea of us renting out our house and she and I getting a place together. I think I said maybe or interesting idea or something to consider. I’m trying to be measured and cautious and stay within myself protect myself home and family and stay intact. W has not brought up discernment couples therapy in over a month I think and neither have I.

I think I’m at the stage of giving her time and space and taking advantage of that for myself aiming for no pressure no pursuit no smothering. W had mentioned at BD that she
might be ready to talk about A in January. I really don’t know what that meant or if she’s still thinking that. I think I should keep engaging in IC growth and healing and moving forward.

[LH19]

Actually she has mentioned the idea of us renting out our house and she and I getting a place together. I think I said maybe or interesting idea or something to consider.

You engaged and you lost. It doesn't even make sense. Your only response is "that doesn't work for me"

W has not brought up discernment couples therapy in over a month I think and neither have I.

Zero meaning waste of time even writing it out.

I think I’m at the stage of giving her time and space and taking advantage of that for myself aiming for no pressure no pursuit no smothering.

There is no aiming you just do it.

W had mentioned at BD that she might be ready to talk about A in January. I really don’t know what that meant or if she’s still thinking that.

Waste of time. Maybe she is trying to just get through the holidays? Maybe January is her favorite month? Maybe OM moves here in January? Maybe the world ends in January?

I think I should keep engaging in IC growth and healing and moving forward.

Rock I have to be honest this should have been the only thing you posted.

[BL42]

Rockon,

Ya she lives with her mom - no mention from her about direction/next steps -

Refrain from asking. Keep giving her space and don't push for a direction/next steps.

tho she did bring up in a text that MIL wants her to start paying rent - wasn’t a question so I didn’t answer.

Good job not responding, especially as her knight in shining armor. Rent is now her problem to deal with...not yours.

Actually she has mentioned the idea of us renting out our house and she and I getting a place together.

I'm confused on this one. IF the two of you moved back in together, why would you need to get a place together - wouldn't it be in your current house? Unless it's good financial move? Or, maybe she's trying to get you out of the house and live on her terms? I wouldn't leave the house if I were you, no matter what.

I think I’m at the stage of giving her time and space and taking advantage of that for myself aiming for no pressure no pursuit no smothering.

Good. Keep it up.

W had mentioned at BD that she might be ready to talk about A in January. I really don’t know what that meant or if she’s still thinking that.

A as in affair? She likely had no clue what she was saying at the time and/or doesn't remember - I wouldn't bank on any suggestions or timelines she made on BD.

I think I should keep engaging in IC growth and healing and moving forward.

She probably should, but that's not your monkey or circus now as they say.

[SteveLW]

Ya she lives with her mom - no mention from her about direction/next steps - tho she did bring up in a text that MIL wants her to start paying rent - wasn’t a question so I didn’t answer. Actually she has mentioned the idea of us renting out our house and she and I getting a place together. I think I said maybe or interesting idea or something to consider. I’m trying to be measured and cautious and stay within myself protect myself home and family and stay intact. W has not brought up discernment couples therapy in over a month I think and neither have I.

I think I’m at the stage of giving her time and space and taking advantage of that for myself aiming for no pressure no pursuit no smothering. W had mentioned at BD that she
might be ready to talk about A in January. I really don’t know what that meant or if she’s still thinking that. I think I should keep engaging in IC growth and healing and moving forward.

Keep up the great work, sir!

[Rockon]

Originally Posted by Rockon
Actually she has mentioned the idea of us renting out our house and she and I getting a place together.
BL:”I'm confused on this one. IF the two of you moved back in together, why would you need to get a place together - wouldn't it be in your current house? Unless it's good financial move? Or, maybe she's trying to get you out of the house and live on her terms? I wouldn't leave the house if I were you, no matter what.”

This has been a discussion in the past for financial considerations. More recently brainstorming about S’s housing needs after current program. Not my first choice. At one point this summer W said something along the lines of, “why do I have to be the one to move out or why can’t you move out of the bedroom?” Or proposing I take a turn living elsewhere. I had replied,”I don’t believe that’s the right thing for me to do.”


Originally Posted by Rockon
W had mentioned at BD that she might be ready to talk about A in January. I really don’t know what that meant or if she’s still thinking that.
BL: “A as in affair? She likely had no clue what she was saying at the time and/or doesn't remember - I wouldn't bank on any suggestions or timelines she made on BD.”
Good point and yes A is in ……

[BL42]

Rockon,

Originally Posted by Rockon
Actually she has mentioned the idea of us renting out our house and she and I getting a place together.
BL:”I'm confused on this one. IF the two of you moved back in together, why would you need to get a place together - wouldn't it be in your current house? Unless it's good financial move? Or, maybe she's trying to get you out of the house and live on her terms? I wouldn't leave the house if I were you, no matter what.”

This has been a discussion in the past for financial considerations. More recently brainstorming about S’s housing needs after current program. Not my first choice. At one point this summer W said something along the lines of, “why do I have to be the one to move out or why can’t you move out of the bedroom?” Or proposing I take a turn living elsewhere. I had replied,”I don’t believe that’s the right thing for me to do.”

Personally I would not move out under any circumstances at this point. And before you make ANY moves you make absolutely certain that A) it's what YOU want, and B) she's rock solid on wanting to R.

Right now you have the presumption of living in the house - doesn't mean W wouldn't get her share of the equity if it comes to D - but she is the one that moved out and it's likely you could argue you have the right to keep it if you want. Or if nothing else a judge would probably rule to keep the status quo until things are resolved. In other words, you have the upper hand right now in this area so don't cede it on a whim based on her suggestion or hope it'll make her happy and want to R.

[Kind18]

Actually she has mentioned the idea of us renting out our house and she and I getting a place together.

Why on EARTH would you make this easy for her? Stop being Mr Nice Guy. Her living arrangements are crap for her because she has made bad choices. Totally not your problem to fix. Let her bathe in the uncomfortable.

Suggested response: “I’m only interested in living with someone who is 100% committed. Until I’m sure, I’m not changing the current arrangement.”

W had mentioned at BD that she might be ready to talk about A in January. I really don’t know what that meant or if she’s still thinking that.

Suggested response: “I have more self worth than that. I’m not listening to details of your affair. The only discussion I’ll entertain is if you’ve ended it and you want me to give you an opportunity to repair the marriage.”

You are the prize here. WOMEN CAN NOT BE WITH A MAN THEY DO NOT RESPECT.

[Rockon]

BL and Kind I really appreciate these responses. So tonight W said she thinks she wants to have our bed over at her moms - the bed there is really back for her back. I validated what she said and told her I need to think about it (I don’t want to give up our bed and for it to be in another place). She didn’t like that and said it’s not your decision to make and it’s my bed too. I replied it’s our bed; I need to give that some thought. She said we are going to have to split up everything. I didn’t answer that.

She also proposed that I move into the suite with S once S completes his treatment program and that W move into the main part of our house with D to save money - I also don’t like this idea and told her so. I don’t believe that it’s right for me to move out of our home and bedroom.

I empathize with her sore back and having a bad bed. I told her I’m hearing that it’s difficult and also that I appreciate her bringing forward ideas.

[LH19]

Ugh.

W: I want my bed my poor back hurts.
R: That doesn’t work for me

W: we are going to split up everything anyway
R: Crickets

W: I’m going to move into main house and you move to suite
R: that doesn’t work for me

No empathizing her sore back or hearing her

Have you spoken to a lawyer?

[BL42]

Rockon,

So tonight W said she thinks she wants to have our bed over at her moms - the bed there is really back for her back.

She said? This doesn't sound like an email...why were you talking in the first place? We've recommended you limit engagement and limit conversation, right?

I validated what she said and told her I need to think about it (I don’t want to give up our bed and for it to be in another place). She didn’t like that and said it’s not your decision to make and it’s my bed too. I replied it’s our bed; I need to give that some thought.

"No" is an acceptable answer. You don't need to validate or think it over. Step up and be strong and firm. She's talking about your bed. The bed she left to go move into her mother's house and go abroad to meet up with AP, right?

She said we are going to have to split up everything. I didn’t answer that.

No answer is ok. I'd also accept "Ok, email me a list of what you think is fair and I'll review"...with a smile on your face.

She also proposed that I move into the suite with S once S completes his treatment program and that W move into the main part of our house with D to save money - I also don’t like this idea and stole her so. I don’t believe that it’s right for me to move out of our home and bedroom.

"No." Remember that one-word answer? Be strong. You may not have the right to legally keep her out of the house, but you can stand firm that you're not leaving your room or bed. Let her have the guts to move back in.

I empathize with her sore back and having a bad bed. I told her I’m hearing that it’s difficult and also that I appreciate her bringing forward ideas.

You empathize with her sore back?!? Rockon...I hate to sound too harsh here so I'm going to avoid the comment I'd make otherwise but please, please, please man up and take back your power. She moved out of the house. She cheated on you. Do not spend a minute of your life worrying about how she's dealing with her back in a different bed.