Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (Sandi2)

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2035183#Post2035183

Coach recommends the first one as a mindset to people on here, and it's helped a lot of us. The Band of Brothers "accept that you're already dead" paradigm also works well.


STOCKDALE PARADOX:

"You must retain faith that you can prevail to greatness in the end, while retaining the discipline to confront the brutal facts of your current reality."

Admiral James Stockdale was shot down in Viet Nam and imprisoned in the "Hanoi Hilton" for almost eight years. He was also its highest-ranking officer. He writes about his experience in his book, In Love and War. How did he survive while others did not? "Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties." He adds, however, what distinguishes his position from simple "optimism" - and formulates what has become known as the Stockdale Paradox: "and confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."

This is the critical difference which guards against the endless disappointment that optimism's carrots' evasiveness create - until, maybe, the reward in the end. On the other hand, an ability to continue making realistic assessments of one's current life situation measures and apportions one's energies and reserves to better face each challenge as it comes, thus positioning one with a stronger chance to prevail.


"You're Already Dead" (Band of Brothers)


Puppy

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2940006#Post2940006

I have lost track of my timeline at this point. I could not tell you off the top of my head when his A started, when he left and when he starting coming back to the M....what I can tell you is that during my sitch, I NEVER thought I would get to the position that I am now where I have lost track of time. I was so consumed with my own thoughts, fears, anxiety, humiliation, etc, that I could not imagine a life with him again where things could be peaceful and okay. I couldn't really imagine any life. I was simply trying to survive. I can tell you today from where I sit that humans--all of us--we are resilient. We are so much more capable to get through trauma and grief than we give ourselves credit for.

I wish I had some pearls of wisdom to share with you all. What I realize now is that I actually knew it all along, I just couldn't or wouldn't accept those truths. I would often tell myself, "you won't feel this way forever," and "this terrible feeling will pass," and also, "your life will be okay again with or without him." I knew what I needed to know inside but wasn't ready to hear it. I know now that I was right all along. I am okay in my M but I know I would also have been okay without it.

I think working through the trauma and allowing yourself to process and heal, really does make you a stronger person. But there really are no shortcuts or ways around that. We have to feel it and face it. It takes so much longer than you might think. Years and years. But also, I think it is worth it. We are both stronger people now. I like myself more than I did before. We are all capable of change if we are willing to do the hard work.

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2940086#Post2940086

The advice I've been getting here has helped me understand that I am in control of my own happiness. Focusing on myself, especially GAL, has helped tremendously with that. It has had a positive impact on my relationships with nearly everyone around me....except for my W (so far!) Keep at it man, we do not have to follow the models we were given.

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2940212#Post2940212

I’m faking the detachment a lot of the time....Still incredibly emotional for me but becoming more manageable. In therapy and outside of therapy I have been working on riding the waves of emotions letting them come up noticing them happening to me journaling or talking about it and being in it and then letting them go. Having a plan for GAL, good solid friends, exercise, prayer and nature are helping me.

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2940310#Post2940310

I think the stereotypical definition is way off base and most people misunderstand what is to be an "alpha male". I am going to give you the best definition I have come across and you tell me whether you think it is a goal you can work towards.

A true alpha’s state of mind is one of indifference, charm, humor, humility, courage and a belief that eventually, things will work out in their favor. Alphas set, keep and hold other people accountable to their boundaries. They stand up for what they believe in and don’t compromise their principles or values for ANYONE. They have an emotionally compelling vision of what kind of life and lifestyle they want to create and then resolve to pay the price, no matter how long it takes to make it a reality.”

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2940304#Post2940304

A question - I know you are supposed to do things like connect back with friends and to make her be curious about my whereabouts. Do you tell her what you are doing/going? Or do you just say “hey I made some plans and will be out”.

As for how much detail to tell. It depends on the scenario. Just keep any pressure dialed way down. A general, "I’m heading out for a few hours", should suffice. Other times, "D and I are getting an Xmas tree. Want to come along?", would be more appropriate. It depends on the scenario, and that day. Be kind and cordial. Keep your side of the street in order.

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2940298#Post2940298

You found the forum and that is good, because now you can focus on yourself. The best advice I received in my own situation was to remove my focus form her and what she was saying and doing, and focus on me. And DBing gave me things to focus on: getting a life, going out and recapturing who I was and who I wanted to be. 180ing and self-improvements, becoming the best version of myself that I could be. Becoming a person only a fool would leave! And finally emotionally detaching, learning to detach my emotions and responses from her words and actions.

Those are difficult at first, but the beauty of them even when you aren't good at them, is it gives you something to focus on!

Use this as an opportunity to move your life forward. He'll either come around and want to be part of that, or he won't.

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2936646#Post2936646

That gear-grinding sound you've been hearing is me, doing a lot of thinking lately. There've been more than a few posts on these boards about how to stand, when to stand, when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em. I'm going to offer mine here.

First and foremost I ask those reading this post: what brought you here? Did you come to find out how to leave your marriage or did you come to find out how to save it?

If you came to find out how to leave, I'd say you're in the wrong place. Read the rest of Michele's site. Right on the homepage, smack dab in the middle: SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE NOW and these words, "Are you having marriage problems? If so, you've come to the right place. We believe in saving marriages from divorce and are convinced that most marriage problems are solvable...even if your husband or wife doesn't agree!"

Still not convinced of the mission of this site? From Michele's bio (again, on the home page): "Because Michele Weiner-Davis believes that divorce is not the answer, she developed an innovative method for working with couples experiencing difficult marital problems. Her approach was so successful that she knew she had to share her knowledge with the millions of couples struggling in their marriages. In 1992, she wrote, Divorce Busting which quickly became a best-seller. “The rest,” they say, “is history”."

This place is about saving marriages. In the event your marriage can't be saved, if you follow DB principles you will at least emerge from the wreckage a better version of yourself.

Secondly, there are as many opinions here as there are posters and those reading along anonymously. How are you to determine "good" advice from "bad"?? To that I say, it's just like real life - consider the source.

While everyone's situation is unique to them, there are, i believe, certain things to look for when reading the many opinions offered up. The three which were - and continue to be - the most important to me:

1. how long did that person actually practice DB principles with their spouse? was it days/weeks/months/years?

Personally, I've preferred to heed comments and advice of people who spent years standing to those who spent less than 6 months standing. Why the prejudice? Because even if their marriages ended in D, those long-time standing posters learned something during their years of DBing that only time can give. Saving a marriage isn't a quick fix. It cannot be done in two, four, six months. It took years to get to the breaking point; it'll take more than a minute to get to a place of healing. The level of change required to save a marriage takes time. A lot of time. It's not a sprint, by any means. If someone has tried DB on for size for more than an hour, you already know this is not for the faint of heart. You, your marriage, and your partner are all in a crucible, burning away that which no longer serves. It remains to be seen if you can come out of the fire together or apart.

so: Consider the source when reading and heeding advice, both here and in other areas of your life.
Specific to here: Know the stories of those whose advice you're taking. Did they follow a path you want to follow as well? Do they speak with the authority of vast experience? Are they currently a better version of the person who first got here? And, most importantly to me: How long did they actually practice DBing, since I came here to LEARN DBing?

Maybe that's not important to you. If not, skip to the next point:

2. Where are they now?
What do you mean, B? That can be answered in a few ways but these are the answers I seek when deciding whose advice to heed:

*** Were they able to save their marriage? (this was way more important to me as a newbie than it is now)

*** Are they a better version of the person they brought here? (ah, this is the Holy Grail of questions)

*** If their marriage ended in D, are they currently thriving in their lives?

*** Are they at peace?

*** Are they open to a new relationship? If not, why not?

3. Are they posting advice from a place of hurt or from a place of healing?
What the F does that mean, B? my answer: keep reading. You'll know the difference when you see it.

The longer I live and observe the world around me and the people in it, the more I believe that most of what we see in human behavior is a grief response. I used to think that all responses came from love or fear. No. Love and fear are both responses to grief, in the context to which I'm referring. It's what we do with our grief that forms our response.

Grief can cause someone to respond in ways which are self-protective, defensive, abrasive, obnoxious, hurtful, angry, mean, bullying, authoritative. Grief can also cause someone to respond in ways which are open, questioning, loving, kind, compassionate - sometimes fiercely so, gentle, healing.

YOU get to decide how you want to proceed, both when you get here, and in your personal response to grief. On the same day, in almost the same minute, the negative and positive responses to grief can co-exist. Like that saying about the light and dark inner wolf - you get to decide which one to feed, and whose advice to heed as you're feeding that inner wolf.

Choose wisely.

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2940877#Post2940877

Goodness I miss Sandi and am eternally grateful she took an interest in my situation.

Anyway, here’s my opinion and what worked. My ex ran the gambit from wanting me to harm myself and tried to get me too, to I’m meaningless, to let’s be friends to I want you back. You know what got her wanting me back and countless others. Not giving a rip what she wanted, said, or did.

There have been a few times when she’s called in the past and you know when she’s just telling stories to hear herself talk, and when she was being 100%. She told me she didn’t understand why I was doing better without her. Why I was busy, had a ton of friends, was always doing fun stuff. All of a sudden the man who was steady, safe, and always there (in other words boring) was the life of the party. She realized she screwed up and I was in the same boat she was. Going through the motions, I just didn’t cheat.

So, what do you want to be? Her friend? Nothing? Her husband?

You wanna be her friend, than be friendly. You want to be nothing to her? Than be a her doormat and constantly be there and text back and be available. You want a chance of getting her back? Than make her stop and wonder where you are. What are you doing. She wants you to be single, so be single. I’m not saying date or have one night stands, but go do what you want without a care in the world how it affects her.


This is just what worked for me, but as Sandi says; do what works.

Keep your head high, there is an end to this.

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574

There is a wonderful book out there entitled, The Solo Partner" by Phil DeLuca. In this book there is a chapter on Pursuers and Distancers and how they have a dance/game going on w/their spouses. I'm going to share a bit of this w/you now and you'll be able to identify the reactive behaviors both you and your mlcer play.

In many instances, your mlcing spouse is the Distancer because he/she has distanced themselves from you. In order to attempt to get them to come back, you'll make all sorts of sacrifices, promises, deals, etc., i.e., w/promises of change, anything they want you'll do, etc. You then become the Pursuer. Pursuers are more motivated to initiate change in order to get the spouse back. A Distancer will rarely initiate change and never changes in response to direct efforts by others. He/she will only change when he/she fears losing his pursuer, and this can happen only when the pursuer stops her/his pursuit. This is when the Distancer becomes the Pursuer. He/she will pursue with apologies for the rude and crude behavior, little gifts, nice emails, cards, phone calls, etc. Whatever you do, do not let your guard down when they are being nice. This is where they attract you back into the game like a moth to a candle. They know that you want them back and will do anything to get you back; and they also know just what strings to pull to get you to pursue them all over again. Stop! Do not pursue or the game will continue on indefinitely!

Take a minute and think about this another way. When you detach and distance yourself from your spouse, notice how they start coming around, being nice, etc.? Well, he/she feels that you are not pursuing them. They want the chase, they want you to pursue them so that they can come back and slam dunk you all over again. It's a dance of madness. They may not even be aware of what they are doing, but once you snap up the niceness all over again, they will most definitely come back w/anger to distance themselves from you again for their safety and security. Does this sound familiar to you?

Here are some specific ways you can avoid pursuing your spouse at this time:

Emotional Level:

Don't initiate conversations or give advice (even if they asked for the advice, refrain from giving it).

Abstain from trying to change or improve your partner in any way.

Do not seek his emotional support or help with any of your problems, concerns, or worries.

Do not look to him as someone to talk to.

If you've been babying him, stop.

Identify whatever you are doing for him, and stop doing it.
An example of this is: stop doing his laundry, picking up after him, cooking especially for him, or waiting on or for him.

Stop "keeping the peace". If you've been intervening between him and others, be it children, family or friends, stop doing so. He needs to learn how to interact w/others all on his own.

Physical Level:

Do not initiate expressions of affection, such as hugging, kissing and saying "I love you," or "I'll miss you," or asking questions such as "Do you love me?"

Do not appease your partner sexually any longer.

Do not plan your schedule around his, and do not do things for him.

This is not the time for a romantic vacation or second honeymoon.

If he spends his spare time at home, arrange to be out while he's there.

Do things with family and friends or by yourself.

In short, do as little as possible for him or with him, with the goal of doing absolutely nothing.

The most important pointer to be made--DO NOT give The Solo Partner to your spouse.

In other words, leave your spouse out there and do not take the bait when he puts it under your nose. The sooner your spouse (Distancer) realizes that you aren't going to react and pursue him/her all over again, the sooner the dynamics of your situation will change. Take back control over your life and don't allow the mlcer to control and/or manipulate your life any longer.

I recommend to each of you to get this book and read it. I read this book in 2001/2002 and I highly recommend it. It's not only good for what you are dealing w/at this time, but you can apply the techniques in the work place as well.