Thanks, SteveLW. Yep, I'm in IC. And trying to stay positive and to think about this as an opportunity. An unwanted one, but an opportunity nonetheless.
I'd appreciate any thoughts from the wise people here on what to do next, now that H has apparently given me the reins on the divorce. It's weird position to be in. I definitely prefer it to not being rushed and pressured, but now I am supposed to take the lead on a divorce I don't want?! My hunch is to do nothing while I sort out other aspects of my life, which will take at least another 2 months.
That said, I am wondering if this could be an opportunity to eventually set up mediation appointments that could in practice serve as discernment and quasi marriage counseling. I've been reading Nitty's threads and it seems that having a good mediator made a big difference in turning around her sitch.
I'd appreciate any thoughts from the wise people here on what to do next, now that H has apparently given me the reins on the divorce. It's weird position to be in.
Is there a financial benefit to staying married or getting divorced, or does it not matter? If you're benefited by staying legally married (E.g., he makes way more money or something) than I'd let him do any pursuit of the D. If staying married will hurt you financially you may want to move it forward. If there's no real impact, than you can take your time and decide how to proceed. Think of this as the "business" side of the R. Locking in your financial/business outcome is separate to whether or not you two end up in a relationship going forward.
Originally Posted by marching
I definitely prefer it to not being rushed and pressured, but now I am supposed to take the lead on a divorce I don't want?! My hunch is to do nothing while I sort out other aspects of my life, which will take at least another 2 months.
You don't HAVE to do anything. You do what's best for you - he wants to D you and has therefore removed himself from your consideration for now.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Thanks, SteveLW. Yep, I'm in IC. And trying to stay positive and to think about this as an opportunity. An unwanted one, but an opportunity nonetheless.
I'd appreciate any thoughts from the wise people here on what to do next, now that H has apparently given me the reins on the divorce. It's weird position to be in. I definitely prefer it to not being rushed and pressured, but now I am supposed to take the lead on a divorce I don't want?! My hunch is to do nothing while I sort out other aspects of my life, which will take at least another 2 months.
That said, I am wondering if this could be an opportunity to eventually set up mediation appointments that could in practice serve as discernment and quasi marriage counseling. I've been reading Nitty's threads and it seems that having a good mediator made a big difference in turning around her sitch.
I would not take the lead on the divorce. My advice would be to do as you say, nothing and sort out other aspects of your life. If it comes up again just firmly restate that you do not want the divorce, that you will not be helping with the divorce, but you will not stand in his way if that is what he wants.
WASs are notoriously lazy when it comes to D. I think there are a lot of reasons for that, but I certainly would not actively participate in a D that you do not want.
As far as Nitty's situation, hers is not yours. In my situation, my WAW went from dead set on D to wanting to save the marriage in a matter of weeks. I caution newbies that my situation was an anomaly and that they cannot look at my situation as hope that their will turn around in less than 4 months. I say the same for Nitty. First, good mediators are few and far between. Most want to get a D settlement mediated and move on. They have no incentive for the couple to stay together. Hoping mediation turns into discernment and quasi MC is not something you can put a lot of hope and faith in.
It doesn't mean that there is no hope in your situation as I believe all do. But do not take the lead on the D thinking you can use mediation to manipulate your WAS back to the marriage. That is a fraught expectation.
Focus on good DBing principles. That is your best way forward.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
BL42, bttrfly, SteveLW—thanks so much for your feedback.
A D doesn't make a huge difference for me financially.
I definitely don't want to do anything that pushes a D forward. Maybe I am being thick, but I am not sure how I can avoid moving the D along without being passive aggressive or manipulative—and pushing H further away in the process.
H has asked me about starting the paperwork twice and backed off both times after I explained that I have more immediate things to sort out. The most recent time, he said that he would wait for me to reach out first and would not ask me about it again. (But who knows, maybe he will start pressuring me. Again.)
That's why I feel like he's given me the reins on this D. If I simply *never* follow up about starting the legal process, then I come off as standing in his way. Hence my admittedly manipulative fantasy of hiring a mediator who is secretly a MC. SteveLW, I take your point about not using other DBer's experiences as a map for my own. No expectations, no expectations...
I am mentally kicking myself for sort of agreeing to the divorce two months ago—during a text conversation, he was worried that I said that I wouldn't give him the divorce, and I said "That's not what I'm saying, I saying I need more time to process everything." So, I didn't explicitly disagree, but I didn't definitively agree, either. [For context: H referred to the ending of our marriage as a "break up." I said a divorce is a whole different order of magnitude than a break up. And then H freaked out.]
I definitely don't want to do anything that pushes a D forward. Maybe I am being thick, but I am not sure how I can avoid moving the D along without being passive aggressive or manipulative—and pushing H further away in the process.
How to avoid: You don’t want a divorce - so don’t do anything towards that. Let H do all the heavy lifting.
No passive aggressive, no manipulation. You don’t bring it up. When H brings it up - “I do not wish to proceed with a divorce at this time”. That’s it. No further discussion.
Use the 24-48 hour rule. That also keeps communication to the written form. Another good thing for detaching and making decisions utilizing logic and reason, instead of reacting out of emotions and fear.
Originally Posted by marching
That's why I feel like he's given me the reins on this D. If I simply *never* follow up about starting the legal process, then I come off as standing in his way.
Not true. You are simple not pursuing it. H is free to do as he wishes. You are not blocking his actions.
Something interesting in these situations, our spouse knows us best (next to ourselves of course). And we know them best. Well “known”, after they burn their lives down. Anyhow, H knows you, and is using your emotions against you. I suspect he realizes you will feel guilty and feel like you are blocking this. Don’t fall for it. He is trying to get you to be the bad guy. Let him own his divorce.
Originally Posted by marching
Hence my admittedly manipulative fantasy of hiring a mediator who is secretly a MC.
A word on manipulation. Or trying to steer and head your spouse in a certain direction.
No one can see all ends. The best intentions might end in disaster. You just don’t know. And you do not want the responsibility of H’s future on your soul. Give him to God. Do not try to control his outcome.
One of my many reasons I have peace and a rather speedy situation. I did not manipulate W’s path. I did not want that on my head. Imagine having to live knowing I messed up trying to coerce her into something.
Don’t place boulders in his path. Do not demonize him. Be better, not bitter. And let him walk his path. No secret MC mediator. Have faith and let fate do its thing.
Originally Posted by marching
I am mentally kicking myself for sort of agreeing to the divorce two months ago—during a text conversation, he was worried that I said that I wouldn't give him the divorce, and I said "That's not what I'm saying, I saying I need more time to process everything." So, I didn't explicitly disagree, but I didn't definitively agree, either.
Don’t read too much into that. You didn’t specifically say either way.
If/when it comes to a head, tell him directly then. “I don’t want a divorce. And you are free to do what you will.”
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
A D doesn't make a huge difference for me financially.
If there's no advantage filing in one country vs. the other, and if there's no real financial difference in between married or divorced, then there's no real motivation for you to drive it and you can ride out the status quo.
Originally Posted by marching
I definitely don't want to do anything that pushes a D forward. Maybe I am being thick, but I am not sure how I can avoid moving the D along without being passive aggressive or manipulative—and pushing H further away in the process.
If you don't want to, than don't. I agree w/SteveLW, bttrfly, and DnJ. This is your H's desire, not yours - so let him push it forward if he wants. You can even tell him "I don't want a divorce and would like to work on the marriage, so I've decided not to pursue any paperwork - but I won't stand in your way if that is what you want." That's not passive-aggressive; that's being honest and straightforward about your stance.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
DNJ is a very experienced and wise DBer. Take this advice very seriously.
Any responses within 24 hours are likely to be highly emotive, steeped in trying to pressure/trap/punish them and completely the opposite of general DB principles.
I’ve read hundreds of accounts where newbies regret getting into a heated or emotional discussion and regret not thinking about things, coming to the board for advice, and then responding calmly and rationally.
I’m yet to read ONE post where someone attributes the loss of their marriage to not responding quickly enough.
DnJ, BL42, and Kind18, I really appreciate your advice. I've filed away the suggested for responses should H bring up D paperwork again. Thankfully (well, if H sticks to his word), I won't need to use them, at least for a while.
It's funny, after BD, I naturally went dark and have been really good about following the 24-48 hr rule. I was (still am) so hurt that I just didn't want to initiate contact and invite more rejection. And I take my time responding to texts because they are so few and far between, each exchange feels very high-stakes.
I am starting to plan my move. I'm staying with my parents through the holidays. After that, I'm heading to a city on the other side of the country, where my work is based and my friends live. Don't know when I will ever go back to Country B, where H lives.
I agree with my friends, therapist, and the DBers here that NOT going back to Country B is the best choice for my mental health. Still, I feel sad about it. I am accepting the feeling and letting it pass...
