Marching in limbo with MLC H

[marching]

Yes, I'm exercising. And I completely agree. Being physically worn out at the end of the day is so satisfying.

I've read your post on exercise, by the way, and it's a great resource. I've also read a bit from your threads, and wow, you went through something really extreme. And here you are on the other side. Surviving and thriving stories like yours are very encouraging.

[DnJ]

Good Morning m

H certainly has had a dose of life events recently. A birthday and feeling old. A big promotion and after the rush of accomplishment the harsh realization of no more goals. (Of course, there is always more to strive for. H is just not seeing that.) The loss of encouraging feedback, a real thing as one moves upwards on the business and corporate ladders. And yes, feeling stagnant with things. Tie in a visit to a somewhat estranged family or perhaps just more strained relationship. Lots of pressures inside him.

MLCers do not have well established coping skills. Their repertoire of strategies for managing and reducing unpleasant emotions is quite limited. Stunted back when they were small. Usually some traumatic event from a childhood authority figure, and having no voice and/or being shut down when trying to speak up, lead to burying things. And things buried alive will come back to haunt.

It’s really sad when young children get damaged and then push that down into themselves. Their egocentric view of the world where everything is for them, and things that go wrong are their fault.

It is interesting that H admits he knows he is having reckless ideas. Thinking of quitting his job and buying a farm. Yep, he is searching for something to ease the unhappiness.

They will drop clues. However, those snippets are a tangled disjointed web. Especially to the LBS working to see what is going on. Like I said, we all require a certain amount of understanding before we can let go. Perfectly normal. Just don’t follow the rabbit hole too deeply. Most LBS are thrust into analytical mode during BD and that needs to be assuaged.

Interesting that you say your ex also said similar things, DnJ. It makes me feel less alone and crazy to hear that.

You’re not crazy. Nor alone.

Though it sure feels that way for a while. Doesn’t it?

My W confided in me days after BD, that for months she cried all the time while the kids were at school and I was at work. She felt so empty. So lost. She thought she was going crazy.

Then her grand epiphany - a crazy person wouldn’t think that! And with that, she burnt down her life and started anew. She threw me away. Tossed aside our four kids like they were used clothes getting dumped at the donation box. And ran off with the guy that delivered eggs to the house. Our neighbour from a mile south.

All this happened in the span of three hours during thanksgivings dinner. She stood up made her grand announcement of “You, DnJ, get the house, the yard, and the kids. Unless you don’t want them, then I guess I’ll have to take them.” Right there in front of my parents and our kids and boy’s GF. I had seven witnesses to this unfathomable event.

Of course, that’s our perspective. She languished in her torment for months and months. Silently. Having no words or understanding of what and why is going on in her mind. They really cannot speak about it for they have no vocabulary to express the dark emptiness.

I hope to be his lighthouse, but how do I do this when there is such limited contact? During our business communications (only ever through text), I am polite and efficient. Is there a way I can show him that the door is open without pursuing? I suppose he knows that I don't want a D...

You be a lighthouse, by being the lighthouse. A lighthouse doesn’t pursue, doesn’t run about looking for a ship and sailors to save. It stands. It is a stanchion. Stands strong against the storm, shinning brightly.

You do not become his lighthouse. You really become your own. You stand for you and your values.

You can attempt to show him the door is open. Attempt to show all manner of things. He will only see (or admit to) what he wishes to see, for now. Besides, they do keep an eye on us.

I recently spoke with my XW at our son’s wedding. Her and I hadn’t spoken in over two years. She blurted out a litany of boy scout type qualities and morals about me. Spoke highly of me, saying the kids get their greatness from me. My intelligence, compassion, ethics, morals, etc. I was shocked and tongue tied not knowing how to respond. I just thanked her for her kind words.

She knew of my pending retirement. They do keep tabs on us and their old life.

Days later I did send a text to her, letting her know she did an awesome job raised the kids and I never demonized her.

Our path is - at first - very counterintuitive. It will feel incorrect. Goes against one’s programmed ideas.

Remain kind and cordial in your communications. He knows you do not want a divorce. No need to tell him again.

Have you seen a lawyer? As mentioned, just for gathering information. Knowing your rights and responsibilities.

Did you get all your stuff back? All the items you shipped over to the new place.

Do you have joint accounts? Joint credit cards? Marital assets? Investment funds, etc?

There is a business side of your path, along with the healing side.

MLCers are notorious for running behaviours. Partaking in behaviours and vices in a futile attempt to find that lost youth they feel they were cheated out of.

Wild spending is a rather common one. Plenty of stories of joint accounts being bled dry and investments burnt up, all while the LBS was unaware. Get a handle on “all” your finances if you have’t already done so. And be prepared to move your “half” of joint assets if things start to go south. Also remember, you are liable for joint credit cards and loans. Oh, some of these MLCers rack up wild bills and expect us to pay.

Drinking, drugs, illicit and/or illegal activities. Anything to find the next rush. Anything to feel something. Anything to push away their emptiness.

Affairs are also commonplace. MLCers are consumed by depression. Desperate. It’s not so much they are seeking happiness as much as trying to end their unhappiness. They are so misguided trying to fill that void within by external means. They do equate sex with happy. And that rush wears off quickly too.

These lost souls feel pleasure, excitement, risk, thrills, and such will bring them their peace. It just keeps digging the hole they’re in.

They run so they do not face themselves. Yet, for all their running, there they are. Laying in bed, in the dark still of night, their demons will play. One cannot outrun themselves.

D

[BL42]

marching,

I am really torn. I have a good support network here in Country A. Keeping a PMA and GALing would be easier if I stayed. But it feels like I would really be shutting the door on my marriage if I don’t go back to Country B.

Do NOT move to Country B. Period.

Stay in Country A where you'd prefer to be if H wasn't in the picture and with have the support network and GAL activities.

Your H is likely in an affair in Country B and you moving there and pressuring him is only going to disrupt your life and not end well for your R.

So maybe it's a good thing that we have so much distance between us? This way, he has allllllll the space he needs to sort out his issues.

^YES! You got it.

H knows how to find you if he really wants to. He's going on a journey you want now part of, and more importantly you can't control or fix. Let him figure him out. You go have a live life to its fullest.

You've almost certainly not heard the last from him. It might not be next month, it might be in a year or two years, but...make him wonder why he's not hearing from you. Make him wonder why you're having such a great life without him and why he's an idiot for throwing you away. And, most importantly, make him wonder if he even has a chance to get you back.

I’m in my early 30s, H is in his late 30s. We’ve been together for over 10 years, married for 7. No kids.

I have to be practical and say that without kids and at your age you less attachment and a freedom few on this board have. Take advantage of that. Live where you want to live, go out and do whatever makes you happy. Don't get caught up in tying your happiness to H's MLC and/or affair drama.

Two weeks ago, while I was on my business trip, H asked if we could start the divorce paperwork, and which country I wanted to do it in. I told him I need more time to think, because I haven’t even decided where I will move next.

If he's asking about D paperwork it's serious. What are the finanical implications? E.g., Who makes more money, did you have pre-marital assets...etc. Make sure you understand if filing in one country is more favorable to you than another.

Also, you don't need to give him reasons anymore. He's firing you as his W. Just say "I'll need to think about it". Nothing about the why of being shocked or upset or anything.

It’s been 3 months since BD. I am a lot calmer now than I was in those early days.

Good. The initial phase is tough. Your emotions are running high and days seem like months. It's amazing how a little time makes a big difference.

I am not prepared to make any big decisions about moving or legal stuff.

No rush. Take your time and make logical decisions, not emotional ones.

Right now, I’m just trying to catch up on work and take care of myself. GAL activities: exercise, talking to friends, reading the forums, reading novels. I’ve been working on myself in IC, too.

Awesome! Keep up all of that, especially the exercise & GAL.

I have not initiated any contact with H and blocked him on social media. I’ve also refrained from asking mutual friends in Country B about him.

Good. Well done.

The basic principle of dealing with a spouse’s MLC is letting go. H is angry. He is projecting on to you, and blaming you for his pain. Realize he cannot handle his emotions right now. He cannot handle being at fault. So, with such torment, he looks around and sees you. Poof, you must be the cause he figures, in his addled mind.

Give lots of time and space. Let him burn through his anger. At some point, hopefully, he realizes “hey, marching hasn’t been around for a while AND I’m still unhappy. Hmmm. Perhaps, she wasn’t to blame after all.” Then, with some good fortune, he would look inward and work on his issues.

His path is on his time line, and you weren’t invited along on this journey with him. You’ve got your own journey to traverse now. The future is unknown and unwritten, perhaps your paths converge and merge again.

Lots of great advice by DnJ. I'd especially read this particular snippet a few times.

[marching]

DnJ, wow, what a transformation in your ex—from utter cruelty at the Thanksgiving Dinner From Hell to being vulnerable and kind at your son's wedding. Thanks so much for sharing. I really have no idea what's going on in H's mind, so hearing about your experience helps me get a sense of just how chaotic the MLC brain must be. It helps with detaching with compassion. Non-foggy-brained H would be appalled by current H's behavior.

My stuff is still with H in Country B because I don't have my own place at the moment (I'm staying with family).

BL42, thanks so much for reading and responding. I really appreciate your tip re: not explaining myself to him and will keep that in mind for future communication. I hear what you're saying about my age and not having kids. It's true, I have a lot of freedom now. It's not what I wanted, but...I guess it's not bad.

As for the questions about legal matters—yes, I'm getting legal advice. Absurd that it has come to this so quickly.

[BL42]

marching,

I hear what you're saying about my age and not having kids. It's true, I have a lot of freedom now. It's not what I wanted, but...I guess it's not bad.

I completely get the "It's not what I wanted". Most here do. But, you can only control you so...go out and make the most of the cards you were dealt and create an amazing life. Sounds like you have a pretty cool job going to different countries to have some adventures and make the most of your freedom. IF H comes back, great. If not? Great too! You're going to have an incredible life either way.

The most attractive thing to someone who's leaving you behind is to smile and say "Good luck!" and then go off and be happy and love life. Then they just may start wondering what in the world they were thinking to leave you in the first place.

[marching]

Thanks for the words of encouragement, BL42.

I have some questions I think already have the answers to. But hell, I've been ruminating on them for several weeks and might as well externalize them.

How should I handle communication with the in-laws? We don't chat regularly, but we do follow each other on social media. I know they are still looking at my updates. I'm wondering in particular about whether I should say goodbye to them (especially my MIL) and then unfollow them. Maybe it's premature for that? Do I just not engage with their posts? We usually send holiday and New Year's messages to each other. Feels weird to say nothing. I don't know what H has told them, or if he has said anything at all. I don't know if he will visit them for the holidays.

Not so deep down, do I have an ulterior motive? Absolutely. Not to be a tattle-tale, exactly, but I *am* worried about H, and want to express my concerns to MIL. Is this controlling behavior? Yes, I have a feeling it is...

[BL42]

marching,

How should I handle communication with the in-laws? We don't chat regularly, but we do follow each other on social media. I know they are still looking at my updates.

Just my opinion, but I'd keep the status quo. What's the impetus for change? There's no rush, especially if you're not in regular communication as it is.

I'm wondering in particular about whether I should say goodbye to them (especially my MIL) and then unfollow them.

I would not do this. It'll come off as pressure on him (via his family), and likely will not be received well. Plus HE needs to decide to change his path - it's unlikely they'll be able to do that as your proxy (if they'd even try).

Maybe it's premature for that?

Yes, I think so.

Do I just not engage with their posts?

Seems reasonable.

We usually send holiday and New Year's messages to each other. Feels weird to say nothing.

If they reach out to say Happy Holidays no reason you can't give a polite response in kind.

I don't know what H has told them, or if he has said anything at all.

Not your role to inform him. He'll communicate on him time.

I don't know if he will visit them for the holidays.

Not your concern.

Not so deep down, do I have an ulterior motive? Absolutely. Not to be a tattle-tale, exactly, but I *am* worried about H, and want to express my concerns to MIL. Is this controlling behavior? Yes, I have a feeling it is...

Certainly comes off on this side as an effort to get his family pressuring, which is typically not recommended here.

[marching]

Yeah, I was hoping I could sensitize MIL to H's possible depression so that she could gently and subtly support him if necessary, not like, stage an intervention (without my involvement being revealed). But yes, I suspected that it would be better to let things be. It's H's own journey. I understand that MWD says that we shouldn't try to get friends or family to help. Thanks for your input, BL42.

[marching]

Furious. Need to vent. I gave up my old apartment, got rid of a lot things (that I now wish I didn't), and shipped my stuff to move to Country B. I am now crashing with relatives but can't stay here forever and will need to get my own place in another city across the country (where my work is based). This city is notorious for expensive housing and the apartment I gave up was a bargain. It will be very difficult to find anything near that price range at that location. I have to set up a completely new household. Meanwhile, H can simply stay in "his" home. Logistically, nothing in his life is disrupted. Getting rid of me is such a CONVENIENT change for him. Idiot. Coward. I can't access any compassion for him right now. He said to let him know if I need money, and he certainly owes me that much. I hate to ask and have to explain the logistical mess he's created.

[Kind18]

^This is an emotion driven post.

Yes, that sounds horrifically unfair. You must feel so uncertain about the future.

Please don’t respond to him or contact him for 24 hours. Humans never respond well with emotion.

Allow the situation and your thoughts to settle. Once you’re back in control of your emotions and fight/flight response, and only then, should you engage with him using the rational and measured part of your brain to try and find a solution.