Is it a MLC or??

[Ready2Change]

I am talking about ME not initiating contact. If he does (and I suspect that won’t happen for a long time, if at all) I will reply – not too much, just enough. You guys know the drill.

After reading your post, I do not see any reason you should ever reply. There are soo many red flags in your post.

As someone else suggested, get into IC.


You deserve better. Much better.

HUGS

[BL42]

Reeling,

Here's the high level...

What is the history of you and your husband's prior relationships? Have either or both of you been married before? If so, why did those marriages end?

Just my opinion, but you should really step back and ponder what you want going forward. You're 5 years into your marriage and your H has been having an affair for at least a year and a half of that, if not longer, and you "felt rejected sexually by him for years".

Without kids involved it's much easier to detach, give space, and go out an GAL and live your life to the fullest. Make sure you're getting out and exercising, especially when you're feeling down - that makes a big difference. And remember what you said at the start of your recent post:

I’m so appreciative of you kind people and want to get my updated story out there and let you know where I’m at now because I am FINALLY ready to embrace the LRT and doing a 180 the way it’s meant to be done – for me.

Now some detailed feedback on your post...

She is married with twins, only about 8 years old.

If she's married with kids it's unlikely it'll last...plus the back and forth between countries. But it doesn't mean H will come back or start being a better H.

The day before she left, I bumped into her at our local beach while walking my dog. I haven’t seen the email yet and genuinely have zero suspicions and this encounter only came back to me about a week ago. I called her name to say hi. She turned around and I kid you not, she JUMPED when she saw it was me. She looked as though she’d seen a ghost. I asked her if she was okay and she composed herself pretty quickly, said hi and moved off. I wondered why she’d looked so scared of me but, unable to find a reason, I dismissed it and forgot about it.

It's always easier to piece things together in retrospect.

After his return is when I find the email from her. I wait a couple of days, then just ask my husband outright if anything has happened between them. He is cool as a cucumber, says no, they’re just friends. I totally believe him.

Cheaters will look you dead in the eyes and stone cold lie to you. My ExW did several times, as did countless others' here on the boards. It's easy to believe them because you can't fathom their level of deceit and contempt.

I am dumbstruck. After relocating back to her home country with husband and kids, a huge move, she is suddenly BACK? And not just back, she is now working with my husband. I feel the hairs stand up on the back of my neck and I ask him why he had never mentioned that she had returned.

Rarely are peoples' spidey senses wrong - always trust your gut in these situations.

I won’t go into how I felt – I’m sure you can guess. I go into our bedroom where he is blissfully snoring away. I turn all the lights on, jump on top of him and start screaming at him. Total breakdown, hysterical, I have entered trauma. I kick him out, screaming “how long have you been f*cking her?” etc.

I understand the emotions here, trust me, and part of my wishes I confronted my ExW like this but it's not the right way. From here on out get control of your emotions.

He starts screaming back that he has never “f*cked her” etc. He leaves.

You simply can't trust him on that btw. Maybe it's true, more likely it's a lie - but you can't trust it. They will lie, and lie, and lie, and then when caught only admit to what they were caught with and lie some more.

I also forward the email to her husband and to my husband’s parents (yeah, I know, I shouldn’t have but I was in crazy mode). I copy the OW and my WAH.

Some would argue that getting the affair out in the open - not to the world, but to the key players like OW's H might help end the affair and lead to an R. Seems like the board is mixed here and it's been awhile since it's discussed. But either way emotionally-drive 2am exposure isn't ideal. If you were going to do it it'd be better to plan it out logically.

Two days later, OW asks to meet me. We do. I ask her to be completely honest with me, woman to woman, and tell me what’s been going on. She agrees.

So hopefully you know this but you can absolutely not believe anything she says. OW has every reason to lie right to your face and make it sound more innocent than it is. Remember she has her H and two children at home. It's very possible, probably likely, that her and your H have colluded on a story to keep the peace with you, her H, families and friends. My then-W talked for HOURS to OM1 (I have phone records) the day after I relieved to her I knew his name. They were talking about what they'd say to work, to his W...etc, etc. They absolutely worked together to create a false narrative.

She then put her head in hands and said “I have not behaved honorably either”, then told me that after she got back from Australia in July this year, that they had kissed.

They almost certainly did more than kiss. They're not in middle school. Remember for whatever they admit to you can be certain it's almost certainly worse.

She told me it had only happened once (my husband subsequently told me – without knowing her answer – that it had happened “6, 7, 8 times”.)

See how their concocted narratives don't even match up? Classic interrogation technique. Separate the suspects and compare stories.

Since then, my WAH and I have met a few times and talked.

If you'd read any thread here you'll know we advocating talking less.

Over the course of a week or so, I moved from rage to realising I still want to save my marriage.

Your emotions are fluctuating. Give everything time to smooth them out. Don't react.

So, she still works with my WAH and while I do believe the affair is over, it was essentially very much an emotional connection and so, that deep friendship is still there.

Well if they're still working together it's going to be a massive challenge and temptation. If she moves to Australia with her H and kids it'll better, but remember there's always email, FB, WhatsApp...etc.

Now something else has started in the last few days: sexting. I started it, I admit, but he responds.

Like the lunches over the Summer, you should be limiting your initiation and letting him pursue. And if he doesn't, you don't.

We have met up occasionally but he gets angry if I try to talk about the marriage.

First rule of DB'ing...no R talks!

From today, it’s the LRT for me. I will no longer instigate contact – EVER. I will not suggest meeting up – EVER. If I never hear from him again, I have my answer.

That's the right approach, but can you do that? Remember over the Summer you'd go no contact / LRT for 12 days and then relapse.

I am so sorry about the length of this. I’ll be amazed if anyone reads it. Thank you so much.

Don't apologize. That's what the board is here for.

I neglected to mention I have found a wonderful therapist.

Excellent! Keep up with it.

For now, I am detaching from the entire situation.

Good.

The pursuer will become the distancer and I plan to give that all I’ve got.

You can't try this for 12 days and give up. Be strong.

[quote=Reeling]I’ve just been for a run, for the first time in months. Starting the couch to 5k program - it felt good to run, listening to loud music, feeling suddenly FREE from the sh*tshow.
Yes! Exercise! This is one of the top ways to get better.