If the answer is no, then the next time she brings it up:
W:"It's after Christmas, when do you want to tell the children?" H:"I do not want to tell the children, but this D is your choice and I will support your decision. I believe we should tell them after you found a place to live." W:"You keep pushing this out bla bla bla" in a frustrated tone H:"The sooner you move out, the sooner we can tell them" W"bla bla bla" in an angry tone. H:"You sound angry." Then keep validate her emotional state.
(I self edited part of that. Use it or not, the less words you speak, the better)
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
You're in a tough spot. I remember when I was 16 and my parents told us they were getting divorced. It hurt so badly. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
This will take a long time for you and the kids to heal. When things are tough, you must be strong. Face your fear and take it head on. Be ready to support your kids by playing this scenario out beforehand.
I like r2c's advice.
The best thing right now is to try to be even keeled around her and the kids. Posting here helped me immensely.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
If the answer is no, then the next time she brings it up:
W:"It's after Christmas, when do you want to tell the children?" H:"I do not want to tell the children, but this D is your choice and I will support your decision. I believe we should tell them after you found a place to live." W:"You keep pushing this out bla bla bla" in a frustrated tone H:"The sooner you move out, the sooner we can tell them" W"bla bla bla" in an angry tone. H:"You sound angry." Then keep validate her emotional state.
W told me this morning that she got the place to live that she has been looking at. This was right before she left with S12 out of town for the weekend. She said that we should tell the kids when she gets home. Now I sit here by myself just feeling rotten. Mostly because knowing that the children will know soon (probably already have a good idea) and the fear of what is ahead of me in my new life that I wasn’t asking for.
M:51 W:43 T:17 M:15 S:13 D11 10/2022 BD/IHS 03/2023 W moves out
Well I’ve been dealing with my wife wanting to tell the kids. She still wants the divorce and I know at this point it is what’s going to happen. We were gonna do it earlier this week but she ended up crying all day and I was emotional so we both decide not to do it. The rest of the week was just too busy with kids activities and school. This morning she told me that she got the place to live that she wanted. so we will be telling them soon she wants to do it Sunday. She just left out of town with my son right now. They will get back Sunday. As far as myself I’ve been reading some self help books working on my social skills with other parents at my kids activities. taking walks, sometimes with a friend, we are reading the same children’s love and logic parenting book so we go over that together. doing a lot of photography at my kids activities sharing with other parents which they love. Trying real hard to just do positive reinforcement with my kids. No lectures. Still seeing my IC weekly he told me that I’ve been doing better than anyone he has worked with which obviously made me feel good. I told him I bet he tells that to all his patients. But he convinced me that he really meant it. He is impressed with me getting off the recliner and exercising. He can tell that I’ve gained confidence in walking into this uncertainty and gaining confidence in myself presentation with others
All of that said I’m very fearful of what’s to come next for me and my kids.
Last edited by Dats000; 01/27/2303:46 PM. Reason: Grammar
M:51 W:43 T:17 M:15 S:13 D11 10/2022 BD/IHS 03/2023 W moves out
Sorry man, that's an awful feeling. I know you feel sad and depressed and probably don't have the energy to do anything or even feel like moving, but the single best thing you can do for yourself to help right now is make a purposeful decision to get up off that couch, out of the house, and do a physical activity. Go on a walk, take a run, hit the weights at the gym. Redirect those negative feelings to something positive. The exercise will give you endorphins that make you feel better...even if you can't imagine getting off that couch.
I am literally on the treadmill at the gym right now typing this message to you because I know how you feel and want to help. The distance on the treadmill display just turned fr 3.49 to 3.50 miles.You WILL get through this.
Take action now! Trust me.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
W told me this morning that she got the place to live that she has been looking at. This was right before she left with S12 out of town for the weekend. She said that we should tell the kids when she gets home. Now I sit here by myself just feeling rotten. Mostly because knowing that the children will know soon (probably already have a good idea) and the fear of what is ahead of me in my new life that I wasn’t asking for.
As bad as this sukcs right now....
It really doesn't have to.
You need to feel this, and let it fuel your future.
Her moving out doesn't mean the end, it just means it's the end for now.
So DBing, there is a reason for GAL, and fake it till you make it....
I would suggest trying to implement those. It's hard AF Dats...
Yet you are gonna have to force yourself out of this by doing something for yourself, and the kids.
Do something different, try something different, and eventually, you will BE something different.
Different moods, different frame of mind...
Telling the kids is hard. No lie about it...
Them not having you as a sound, reasonable Father is harder....
Choose your hard...
You WILL get through this, no matter how it looks or how it plays out...
You get to choose how you get through it....
So let me ask you....
If I were to ask you to pinpoint your fear, what would you say they are ???
Being Divorced ??
Being alone ??
Single Dad ??
The perception of you being Divorced ???
What is it exactly, that scares you so much ?
I'm pretty sure that if were to ask you a few months ago what your fears were, you would have said that your worst fear was something like this happening....
Yet it has, and you are still here, and you are still functioning....
They say that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.....and none of this has killed you yet...
Find that strength Dats...
Face those fears and you may even surprise yourself at how you are gonna rock this....
This might be the end for now, yet it doesn't mean that it's final....
You will eventually be in another relationship again. and it could quite possibly be with your current spouse....
Never say never.....
For today though....chin up and find YOUR way through it....
If I were to ask you to pinpoint your fear, what would you say they are ???
Being Divorced ??
Being alone ??
Single Dad ??
The perception of you being Divorced ???
What is it exactly, that scares you so much ?
I'm pretty sure that if were to ask you a few months ago what your fears were, you would have said that your worst fear was something like this happening....
Yet it has, and you are still here, and you are still functioning....
I’m writing you this now in the morning when I am most fearful and my anxiety is its highest. When I’m done with this, I will be going on our elliptical machine and getting getting rid of most that anxiety. So being alone is huge as far as a fear. Before I got married, I didn’t have a serious relationship for most of my 20s. I’ve been in auto pilot for the last 15 years in this marriage, and just doing stuff for my kids for the last 12 years. Guessing that loneliness is one of the big reasons why I married. I am reading the six pillars of self-confidence. I’ve only gotten to the first pillar, which is consciousness and it’s already been a huge eye-opening learning. My IC recommended that I read it. I got to make sure I am in the right mindset to be the best for my kids. Another fear is my kids getting through this without a lot of hardship. Financially, I think I can keep the house but in reality I don’t know. If I have to sell the house where am I going to live? The unknown is a top fear. Being a single dad, not too fearful since my kids and I have the best time together when my wife’s not around. Even though I was just told that I got a promotion which should make me happy but right now it helps a little. I do get fearful of losing my job and not being able to find another one comparable to it. my industry is a unique niche where there’s not a lot of jobs out there. but I’ve had a job since college so it’s been fine so far.
I got to tell you this form and its people are just wonderful. I needed the encouragement so bad yesterday and I got immediate responses that helped me pick myself up.
M:51 W:43 T:17 M:15 S:13 D11 10/2022 BD/IHS 03/2023 W moves out
