Wolfman Moving Forward 5

[Wolfman]

Happy Belated Thanksgiving Everyone!!! Thank you for all the support. It means a lot. Update:

Gf created such a stink about me not having my son 2 days before Thanksgiving. Using the excuse that we need to clean the house and he shouldn't come over for those 2 days (Tuesday & Wednesday). I explained to her I was not foregoing those days just to clean the house. Guess what happened? We went food shopping with my s and it was fine. No issues at all. We cleaned the entire home after my son would leave at night and go to his moms. Everything got done, had a great Thanksgiving. All of that arguing and fighting was over nothing. If she would just listen to me sometimes and trust we can get things done if we work together. From Thanksgiving on, she was sweet as pie. Honestly, not even kidding, i feel like she might be bi-polar. She literally goes from one extreme to another. Then this morning she sends me a link to read about post partum and how the man needs to be patient and understanding. If she feels she is post partum then she should go and get that checked out. I never know what person i am getting. It is mentally exhausting.

[Wolfman]

Old thread

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2937935#Post2937935

[bttrfly]

Perhaps her sending you that link is a cry for help. Perhaps it would be worth raising the issue of your concern for her health and wellbeing in your couple's counseling and offer to go with her to the doctor just to rule out the possibility that she's still in post partum.

Glad you had a great thanksgiving.

[Ginger1]

Does your son not sleep at your house ?

[DonH]

I never know what person i am getting. It is mentally exhausting.

I’m stealing this line but “how do you want to live for the rest of your life?”

Do you want to live with someone like this? This is why we need to move slower and more cautiously. Many seem “perfect” in the first months. It’s in the next 12 to 24 months that we learn who the real person is. She seems really difficult to live with. Could there be an underlying reason? Certainly. Will she change? While possible, most do not.

It’s not something you have to answer today but is this the way you want to live the rest of your life? Or even the next 5 years? What about the next 5 months?

[BL42]

Wolfman,

Gf created such a stink about me not having my son 2 days before Thanksgiving. Using the excuse that we need to clean the house and he shouldn't come over for those 2 days (Tuesday & Wednesday). I explained to her I was not foregoing those days just to clean the house.

Good for you for sticking up to your GF about your relationship with your son. That is a non-negotiable.

Guess what happened? We went food shopping with my s and it was fine. No issues at all. We cleaned the entire home after my son would leave at night and go to his moms. Everything got done, had a great Thanksgiving. All of that arguing and fighting was over nothing.

Glad you had a positive result. Often times when we stand up for what's right even when there's fear of the response it's less pushback than initially feared.

If she would just listen to me sometimes and trust we can get things done if we work together.

"If she would just listen to me ..." is a concerning way to phrase it. Make sure you're not coming off patronizing in your regular interactions.

Then this morning she sends me a link to read about post partum and how the man needs to be patient and understanding. If she feels she is post partum then she should go and get that checked out.

Perhaps her sending you that link is a cry for help. Perhaps it would be worth raising the issue of your concern for her health and wellbeing in your couple's counseling and offer to go with her to the doctor just to rule out the possibility that she's still in post partum.

I agree w/bttrfly. Are you supporting her in this? Instead of putting it all on her, could you help out in some way?

I never know what person i am getting. It is mentally exhausting.

I can imagine.

It’s not something you have to answer today but is this the way you want to live the rest of your life? Or even the next 5 years? What about the next 5 months?

Good question to ponder by DonH. You have a limited sample size, but it hasn't been great. Think you need to keep DB'ing and see if things improve over time, especially because of the young child, but be wary...

[Wolfman]

Does your son not sleep at your house ?

He only sleeps at my house ever other weekend. Some holidays too. Never during the week on school nights.

I never know what person i am getting. It is mentally exhausting.

I’m stealing this line but “how do you want to live for the rest of your life?”

Do you want to live with someone like this? This is why we need to move slower and more cautiously. Many seem “perfect” in the first months. It’s in the next 12 to 24 months that we learn who the real person is. She seems really difficult to live with. Could there be an underlying reason? Certainly. Will she change? While possible, most do not.

It’s not something you have to answer today but is this the way you want to live the rest of your life? Or even the next 5 years? What about the next 5 months?

This is a great question. I can honestly say, I don't know. Maybe and hopefully with therapy we can iron some of these issues out. I am trying to be real patient, I am trying to be understanding. I really am trying to avoid having to baby mamas. I want the baby to have both parents in his life. At the same time, not bouncing back and forth.

The other issues could very well be her hormones. I have to speak to her about seeing a dr and having her hormones checked.

BL thank you for talking about me standing up for my son. Lately I have had my eyes open. here is something weird.

The 3 days ago out of nowhere my gf said she wanted to speak to me. She said she has a crazy proposition. She said she thinks I should go on dates with other women. I said, what? Why? She said this way I can see what else is out there and I would appreciate her more. She feels i do not appreciate her and everything she does. She mentioned taking care of the baby, doing 3 online classes, cooking on occasion, cleaning, going to my sons games. I felt like this was some kind of trap. i told her i would not do that. i said our focus is to work on our relationship not add other complexities to the situation. Deep down this made me feel like she was projecting, she wants to go out and see what else is out there. Ugh I am so confused. My marriage I was so blindsided by the divorce, so I don't know what is right and wrong. I just feel like I never know what to expect.

[bttrfly]

bring this up with her in counseling. seriously. it's a good starting point for the two of you to open discussions about deeper issues.

[BL42]

Wolfman,

She said she has a crazy proposition. She said she thinks I should go on dates with other women.

Uh oh. This is a major red flag. Seems like around here typically that proposition is the precursor to she's already found someone she wants to date, or at least wants to find someone she wants to date.

I felt like this was some kind of trap.

Sounds like it could be. The thing is you can't control her, you can only do you - so keep DB'ing.

i told her i would not do that. i said our focus is to work on our relationship not add other complexities to the situation.

Good to state it. Now you need to step back and DB like a madman.

Deep down this made me feel like she was projecting, she wants to go out and see what else is out there.

Seems likely.

Wolfman - You're in a tough situation. I don't envy it. Remember the principles...give space, detach, try to find acceptance of the situation and inner peace, and improve yourself. All you can do is control you.

[Wolfman]

We spoke with therapist the other day. She suggested a daily calendar which we have done. And a "sit down" meeting to go over the calendar. She brought up how she feels like i take her for granted. She also talked about how upset I got the day when i asked for her food stamp card to go out and buy her water. She told me no. Basically that she didn't trust me with it. Not sure what i am going to do, buy lobster? She has let me use it before. I explained to the therapist why i got so mad at this. I said there is a double standard. She can tell me know and do what she wants but if i do it, there is a problem. The example I gave her, the other day we were at a friends house and eating pizza on their front porch. I grabbed some plates to throw them out in the house, She asked me to take the baby to throw out the garbage. I said no, why would i bring the baby with me to throw out garbage. To make a long story short, she was mad at me for saying no. I said so she can tell me no, yet if i say no, there is a problem. The therapist asked her why i would take the baby to throw out garbage? She said she needed a break with the baby. She said did you tell him that? She said no. The therapist explained how important communication is. How can she expect me or her to read each others mind. It "opened' gf eyes a little about the double standard.

Other than that things are ok.