Mach, I think the thing I am most proud of right now is how I've dealt with the last 8 months. At times I wanted to give up and didn't. I've tried to be understanding of what W is going through even though she didn't seem to care about what she put me through. I am also proud that so far I have refrained from confronting the OM. I think I've done a pretty good job considering how hard this is.
Mike, For starters, I think you are knocking this out of the park for this being so fresh still...
I applaud the way you are handling this. And you should be proud...
Yet I want more for you than what you posted above.
I was asked early in my process if I want to be defined by the worst thing that I have ever gone through.....
Sounds like an easy question right ???
So I'm asking you....
Do you want to be defined by the worst thing that you have been through ???
Even if you dig a little deeper and expand on that.
Find the something that is just for you..
Let me think about that. I do think that coming out of this mess as a better person, better father, and better husband (either with current W or potential future W) is an accomplishment worth being proud of. I’m proud that I have learned what real empathy is. I was not an empathetic person prior to this.
the good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...
the competition we believe that exist with the OP is a shallow empty reflection of Gods light in this world...
It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush
their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong...they do not like what they are doing...
their actions towards you, the children, the OP, and themselves...keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions...with real depth and truth
all they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life... yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down regardless of whom is next to them....
they are the living cliche..of no matter where you go to hide...there YOU are...
he or she is lost to themselves...
and you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home....even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that...
You become the lighthouse..you fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary...
see just visualize yourself as a lighthouse...
Your offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get... you invite them towards it...let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way....
they are untrustable right now...
but you know that...so they can't hurt you right now...they will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better...
you show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions.....set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives....without lovebusting...
offer alternatives that let them see the children...but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them...
you fill the childrens lives with stability....they deserve it and need it more than anything else....
Do not discuss and or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements...seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly....
your spouse is very lonely and sad right now..but that is OK...no one can stay very long in that chaos...it is wearisome to the soul...
and remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos...and eventually they will see that you are the only one...who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most...
be the lighthouse....
thanks D ...
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Wow! We went out for our weekly dinner out. ESPN was showing the infamous Jim Valvano speech. I started sobbing and couldn’t hardly stop. I also didn’t care. I’ve never watched it without tearing up, but tonight I just stated crying. Wasn’t even embarrassed to be honest. We left and then she started crying in the truck. Cried the whole ride home. She started apologizing for everything, then I started crying again. Jeez.
Just because she let her walls down doesn’t mean anything.
You just should have listened. Don’t try and fix it. She’s sad, you listen. Silent, unmoving lighthouse.
The trap here for nice guys is to try and fix, be there, hold them, look after them - and that’s a bad mistake, because she has asked for space. Just be there and listen. If she wants you to fix it, or to hug her - wait for her to tell you that’s what she wants.
We left and then she started crying in the truck. Cried the whole ride home. She started apologizing for everything, then I started crying again. Jeez.
Originally Posted by MikeP
I don’t take her apologizing as a good thing necessarily. I think she’s just dealing with a lot of guilt.
Originally Posted by Kind18
Just because she let her walls down doesn’t mean anything.
I don't know. Seems like most WWs are defiant, rebellious, unapologetic, at times even gleeful about hurting the LBS. The fact she's back with you, apologizing, going on dates, having sex with you...etc. Seems like a relative positive. Maybe it doesn't mean anything, and by no means are you out of the woods, but it's certainly a better situation than it could be.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Seems like most WWs are defiant, rebellious, unapologetic, at times even gleeful about hurting the LBS. The fact she's back with you, apologizing, going on dates, having sex with you...etc. Seems like a relative positive.
I agree, but you have a lot of work to do on yourself. Time will tell. Stay focused on you and your personal growth. I balance my behavior between male attractiveness and seduction with my lady. Learn as much as you can in these two areas.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
