Nothing wrong with taking pride in your home and doing renovations. In fact, I did a bunch of house projects after separation to keep busy and not let my mind dwell on my sitch. It's when the motivation to do that is to impress your W, and not for yourself.
I skimmed back through your threads. You really are crushing it with GAL: Hockey, surfing, men's group, fire w/friends, garden work, house reno, IC...etc. All great stuff. Keep those up.
Where you really need to focus is detaching and giving W space. Stop being emotionally available for her; stop easing her transition into leaving you. Don't ever be the one to reach out first. When she calls let it go to voicemail. Don't respond to her texts right away, and then only if it's about business.
It's not complicated. So like SteveLW says...
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Rockon, at this point in your situation what is your biggest fear?
Also, if I were you I'd go back and re-read your threads and really take to heart the advice LH19, Kind18, Ready2Change, DnJ, and others gave and start implementing their suggestions.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Probably right now my biggest fear would be the potential impact on youngest S. So far he seems to be rolling along quite well not phased on the surface at least.
I don’t fear being alone - I’m not and I am happy with the life I’m carving out and the excitement I have with future growth and possibilities.
I guess I also worry about W and her happiness. I don’t control her so I can’t make her happy but I don’t like to see her in pain.
The heart lags behind. It’s take a little while, along with a consistent effort, to influence our heart.
Originally Posted by Rockon
I am struggling big time and I’m the first person to say so. I don’t know how to do this. Trying to detach and go thru my emotions and make better choices.
None of us knew how when we first got here either.
Decades of relationship/marriage is no small thing to release and let go of.
Severing that tie. Severing. Cutting off. Probably feels wrong.
I struggled with detachment too, because I didn’t want to let go. Severing seemed so wrong. Felt so wrong. Three decades of caring, how does one just let go of that.
The interesting thing - well, once you get to the other side - it’s not about severing a connection. It’s not about becoming uncaring or such. Detachment is, like most things on this journey, about you.
To detach, one first needs to realize they need to. And then, that they want to.
The first part, realizing the need to detach. When to let go? It’s a key question everyone has, yet don’t really consider. Detaching doesn’t mean you are a abandoning that person, or stopped caring about them. You are just detaching, emotionally removing yourself, from an unhealthy relationship is all. It’s a protective measure.
Consider how the relationship, her actions, her words, are affecting you and your mental health. Stirred up, dragged around, worried, anxious, etc. That’s quite a caldron of unhealthy brew one keeps drinking down.
So, one realizes their need. Now, you have to want to. Want to stop getting dragged about. Want to push that toxic brew away. That is the problem area for folks.
Sure one wants that. Yet, they want the pain more. Want to feel more. Even if it is not good for them. Ah, grief. It’s bargaining. The last vestige of trying to hang on to that old normal. Let go. Detach.
Grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Anger and bargaining happen when one is attached. If one is detached, and more so indifferent (the next step), they are not dragged about. You ain’t going to be angry at something unless you have some attachment to it. You don’t emotionally self-bargain over things that don’t pull you around.
Wanting detachment. No easy thing. None of us wanted to be here. Yet, here we are. And now we are figuring out how to actually want this?!?
It’s about you.
You want your health. You want your emotional space to sort things out and be healthy.
How does one detach?
First off, is identifying the reason. All that above stuff.
The following steps and strategies are not linear, and not in any particular order. Depending on the individual they might require more or less of certain steps compared to others.
Realize your emotions. A good cry. A strenuous run. A punching bag. Yard work. Some safe healthy mechanism to release pent up feelings. Often sweating it out is a good strategy.
Don’t react, respond. Reactions are those immediate words or actions from an impulse. Often driven by emotions. Control your reacting. Implement a 24-48 hour rule. Give yourself 24-48 hours before responding to any texts or questions from W. Realize that most things will not be too urgent. For the truly urgent matters. Take a breath. Then respond. It’s about being thoughtful and measured in your responses. Create for yourself a buffer to not making split-second reactive decisions.
Meditating can be helpful. Training one to be mindful and focused. Reduces stress and increases calm. Sitting still is doing something. And answers will present themselves when one is calm.
Keeping a journal is a way to flush out those feelings. It also provides written proof of how far one has come. Folks are often further along than they feel. Like I said, it take a while for the heart to catch up.
Be kind and patient with yourself. Letting go of such an important relationship is difficult, extend yourself some grace as you move forward.
Look forward. It is only natural to look back. However, that encourages attachment. Look towards your future and the positives that are there.
No drugs and/or alcohol. Do not utilize these for coping. They might provide some temporary forgetting and relief, yet they reinforce attachment.
Everyone requires a certain amount of understanding before they will let go. Detachment is not cruel or selfish, it’s for your health. You are the most important person in this equation. Don’t forget that.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks BL I will re read and heed what you and others have so thoughtfully said. I think I’m at a stage where I get to make these habits stick and be permanent because they make the most sense for who I am and the kind of life I want to have.
In hindsight I was making many of these changes (boxing, hiking, better nutrition, therapy, looking after our home in/out) in the year leading up to BD, but now I’m doing them without W living here. Also, my psychological treatment really started to make a difference for me I would say in this fall - took some time to take hold.
Hmmmm D, lots to ponder and pecolate/germinate 🔀↩️🔄 and appreciate the non linear. Following what I just said to BL about the positive changes I had begun, just recently have I been standing up for myself more and I think that detaching will help with that. Standing my ground and the 24/4& hr rule can help me consolidate my values, priorities and convictions into my communication and actions.
And it’s going to take focused learning and practice like learning any new skill. One thing that really resonates is that I hope to shed NGS and yet be strong and remain assertive, kind and loving in my life not vindictive or passive/aggressive at all.
Probably right now my biggest fear would be the potential impact on youngest S. So far he seems to be rolling along quite well not phased on the surface at least.
I don’t fear being alone - I’m not and I am happy with the life I’m carving out and the excitement I have with future growth and possibilities.
I guess I also worry about W and her happiness. I don’t control her so I can’t make her happy but I don’t like to see her in pain.
Great! So on your youngest S how do you take action on that fear?
I'll ignore the last paragraph. Her happiness is up to her, not you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Action with regards to S: I am working at being the best man version of me and the best dad I can. I am learning about healthy relationships and transitions as he is an adult with special needs. I recognize his capacity for growth and I hope that he also has a really great relationship with his mom. I speak well of her to him and others.
I believe there is a difference between "speaking well" of someone and "not speaking bad" about them. "I want your mother to be happy" is a perfectly good statement to him as well as expressing to him that you want the two of them to have a good relationship.
Originally Posted by Rockon
blindsided me this summer with not wanting to be married anymore and moved out. I understand she has been (might still be) in an affair of some sorts but she has told me that she is not ready to talk about it
Has anything changed with this statement? I would not be talking well about someone that treats me this way.
Detaching and getting to indifference is your goal. Do you talk well about the hostess that seated you at the last restaurant you ate at? Most likely you were polite and did not discuss anything personal. That is your goal with W. And I would not be too polite based off of your W's disrespect.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Action with regards to S: I am working at being the best man version of me and the best dad I can. I am learning about healthy relationships and transitions as he is an adult with special needs. I recognize his capacity for growth and I hope that he also has a really great relationship with his mom. I speak well of her to him and others.
BINGO!
Great answer.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
