I'd get some feedback from a L on the financial implications (support...etc.) of retiring and taking on a new job in light of a potential divorce situation before you make any decisions.
Yes, it's not the life you were planning but as the saying goes you have to play the best hand of the cards you were dealt. It doesn't have to suck. You can make an incredible life going forward with or without her.
I get the reflection on the potential loss. Trust me. But like LH says it's OK to be sad for a while but don't let it linger forever - the sooner you get strong and get out there and start enjoying life the better.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I'd get some feedback from a L on the financial implications (support...etc.) of retiring and taking on a new job in light of a potential divorce situation before you make any decisions.
Yes, it's not the life you were planning but as the saying goes you have to play the best hand of the cards you were dealt. It doesn't have to suck. You can make an incredible life going forward with or without her.
I get the reflection on the potential loss. Trust me. But like LH says it's OK to be sad for a while but don't let it linger forever - the sooner you get strong and get out there and start enjoying life the
better.
Thanks BL. I’ve been concerned about the things you mention. I naively feel she won’t but vindictive, hut I also never imagined her cheating. What helps, I hope, is that she has a pension and 401k of her own. These concerns are making me rethink retiring now. How long do I wait is the problem. It’s not like there’s a timeline for our eventual outcome. Definitely need to contact an L though. Thanks for the reminder.
If it looks like she is imminently going to file, I’d retire. Go through the divorce and financial split while you are retired. She gets her money at that point based on you not earning any more. Perhaps won’t get alimony if you’ve retired.
Get the $$s split done so you lose as little as possible. Once it’s all squared away, then you can look at deciding to get a new job.
If you start a new job, well paid, and then she files - it could put you in a much worse financial position.
Mike, it's not about making her happy - that's never been your job; it's her job to make herself happy. For your own sake and sanity, don't own what isn't yours to own. You're in a tough enough place as it is without adding that.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
She wants to be happy. It hurts so much to think someone else can make her happy.
Someone else can't make her happy. Only she can make herself happy. Same with you. It is your job to find happy. Get yourself happy without "needing" her in your life. Do not put your happiness in someone else's hands.
Right now she is blaming her unhappiness on the one constant thing (besides herself) that has been in her life, YOU. That is why you do not want to increase any resentment, yours or hers.
This is why you let go of control. Project that you are happy (Calm and content) until you make it. Focus on every little thing that is good about your life. Wake up and take a deep breath and feel how good that feels. Get in the shower and feel how good the hot water feels. Enjoy the smell of your shampoo. All day long do this. Do not think during these experiences, just be.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Steve, I read your thread “How do you DB when you love your WAS”. Others have said some version of it, but it really hit home. I looked inside myself and admitted that I am absolutely still operating out of fear. I’m still in love with her, but I am more in love with the romanticized story of us. 33 years of life. We were kids when we met, it’s hard for me understand her feelings, only mine. I am not giving up on us but I realize that what you posted makes sense. She wants to be happy. It hurts so much to think someone else can make her happy. I will try to keep these things in mind moving forward. It hurts, but I won’t die. I will definitely stop with the nice guy stuff. I’m trying. That’s the best I can do.
Mike, please do not think my trying to put things into simple terms means I think this stuff is easy. I wish it were. All of us here have been through it to some level, and we all made lots of mistakes. And we've all come through it, no matter the outcome, for better or for worse. So we try to help newcomers to look at things differently so that they can start to maybe see the wisdom in DBing. When I first started DBingI was awful at it. Over days and weeks I got better. I think I still was only at 80-90% proficient in my best days!
So just keep working at it. The beauty of it is that it will help you get over your over attachment and your desire to please her at the expense of your own wants and desires. One day you will wake up and your mind and emotions won't be racing with thoughts of devastation if she decides to split. Its hard to think you will get there but keep working at GAL, 180ing and self improvements, and detachment, and you will get there!
You've got this Mike!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, I read your thread “How do you DB when you love your WAS”. Others have said some version of it, but it really hit home. I looked inside myself and admitted that I am absolutely still operating out of fear. I’m still in love with her, but I am more in love with the romanticized story of us. 33 years of life. We were kids when we met, it’s hard for me understand her feelings, only mine. I am not giving up on us but I realize that what you posted makes sense. She wants to be happy. It hurts so much to think someone else can make her happy. I will try to keep these things in mind moving forward. It hurts, but I won’t die. I will definitely stop with the nice guy stuff. I’m trying. That’s the best I can do.
Mike, please do not think my trying to put things into simple terms means I think this stuff is easy. I wish it were. All of us here have been through it to some level, and we all made lots of mistakes. And we've all come through it, no matter the outcome, for better or for worse. So we try to help newcomers to look at things differently so that they can start to maybe see the wisdom in DBing. When I first started DBingI was awful at it. Over days and weeks I got better. I think I still was only at 80-90% proficient in my best days!
So just keep working at it. The beauty of it is that it will help you get over your over attachment and your desire to please her at the expense of your own wants and desires. One day you will wake up and your mind and emotions won't be racing with thoughts of devastation if she decides to split. Its hard to think you will get there but keep working at GAL, 180ing and self improvements, and detachment, and you will get there!
bttrfly & Ready- I was referencing Steve’s thread where he mentions that she is just trying to be happy. I’m trying to sort out my thoughts about the A by realizing she didn’t set out to hurt me, she was looking for happiness. I’m not in anyway letting her off the hook, just trying to help myself. Thanks.
I naively feel she won’t but vindictive, hut I also never imagined her cheating.
Whether she's vindictive or not...the law is the law.
I remember telling my L that my now ExW said she wouldn't come after me financially (I had significant pre-marital assets) and he strongly responded: "Well she's not entitled to it anyway." And it struck me why was I all worried about how she would treat me? I should be empowered. But he was detached from the situation logical and whereas we LBSs are emotional and fearful.
Maybe you get lucky and she's eager to get out as quickly as possible and feels some guilt and you get a great "business deal" (it happens, ask DnJ). More likely you get something close to what the law lays out. Do not accept anything less than what the law calls for; jump quick at any deal favorable to you under the law. That's where the L comes in...best person to advise you what you're entitled to in your jurisdiction. Don't remember if you said where you're located, but there are main areas of consideration:
*Custody - N/A for D23 & S17. A few years for D13. Don't accept anything less than 50/50. *Child Support - N/A for D23. Maybe S17, but some states are until 21. A few more years for D13. Often an online calculator for your state to run your income and your wife's income and estimate the obligation. *Assets - Guessing based on married 25 years neither of you have significant pre-martial assets, but if you do some states are either Equitable or Equal Distribution of Assets. The former meaning generally you take premarital assets off the top before dividing in two, the latter just straight up divide in half. *Spousal Support - Typically based on the length of marriage and disparity in income. You know both of those factors. Often times there's a straight up online calculator for length and amount of support. You should be able to find something by googling your state name and spousal support calculator.
Originally Posted by MikeP
What helps, I hope, is that she has a pension and 401k of her own.
Start gathering bank statements on EVERYTHING you can (credit cards, checking/savings accounts, retirement accounts...etc.). You should know how much you have in your 401k and how much she has in hers. Assuming neither had a significant amount 25 years ago before marriage it's a straightforward add up and divide by two. Unless she's willing to sign the farm away, which is possible, but probably unlikely...especially the longer it plays out.
Originally Posted by MikeP
Definitely need to contact an L though.
Originally Posted by Kind18
Definitely consult a lawyer.
Consulting one or more Ls is a no-brainer. Do at least one this week. The more of the above you have prepped the better - don't pay them $300/hr to do the prep work you can do.
Originally Posted by MikeP
These concerns are making me rethink retiring now.
Originally Posted by Kind18
If it looks like she is imminently going to file, I’d retire. Go through the divorce and financial split while you are retired. She gets her money at that point based on you not earning any more. Perhaps won’t get alimony if you’ve retired.
Get the $$s split done so you lose as little as possible. Once it’s all squared away, then you can look at deciding to get a new job.
If you start a new job, well paid, and then she files - it could put you in a much worse financial position.
Kind18's advice seems VERY wise. Way better to base support off a retirement / little income than a nice new flashy job. Be smart. And don't feel bad about getting the best deal. SHE is the one who wants a divorce.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Yesterday was great. I planned on running a 5k race for charity. Unfortunately I missed the registration deadline. W and kids knew I was planning on running the race. So I set my alarm for 6, went to the park and ran 5k. No big deal except it was 26 degrees and the old me would have stayed in the warm bed and justified it somehow. I have no doubt W thought there was no chance of me following through with my plan. I’ve been spending more time doing my own thing the last few days and it’s obvious she seems happier. I don’t mean that like I’m studying her every move, she’s just noticeably happier. I’m sure it’s the lack of pressure from me. Not making a big deal about it or reading anything into it, just noticed the change. After Thanksgiving dinner at my sisters house we came home and I told her I had plans with some friends. Told her and the kids goodbye, and went to a friends house to have a couple beers with some guys I haven’t seen in awhile. She is taking d13&d23 shopping today. She hinted around that I could go if I wanted. I said no thanks, I think I’ll go fishing and possibly shooting, have fun. S17 has to work, I wish he could go with me. Nothing earth shattering but I’m starting to get on track. I’m feeling better than I have in a long time, mentally and physically. I think stopping with the “nice guy” routine is helping me a lot, I feel more in control, if that makes sense. Wish I had done it sooner. Of course we all know I could be on here tomorrow posting all the things I did wrong today 😑 Let’s hope not. One day at a time!
