It can be so familiar, you get anxious without it. Like a constant waiting for the other shoe to drop times 10 to the really f'ing big exponent. Also depending on the toxicity someone might act out in ways that look counterintuitive to "drive" something to happen, simply because THEN they know how to be.
We all have our experiences to educate us and if we're really lucky, an honest pack to support and love us.
My best, was to deal with the child/children in front of me. To attempt to really "see" them and what was needed. That can be hard enough under normal circumstances, now add in dealing with big emotions too.
Last edited by DnJ; 11/04/2211:02 PM. Reason: Corrected quote syntax.
The absolute best 2nd place (coming in behind a healthy both-parent house) is actually the children being able to stay in the marital home with the parents rotating custody within the shared house. They have the same bed, address, and social hub consistently. They don' t have the feelings of why they have to adapt simply because their parents can't get along. They aren't packing a bag every 5-7 days, or feeling like they have to choose whether they like Dad's house, or Mom's house better. They aren't sitting by the window, watching for a 'late' parent to pick them up, or watching the clock to make sure they aren't late on arrival. It alleviates disturbed sleep patterns, and guilt over 'leaving' one parent all alone for periods of time.
Essentially, their stability becomes the most important thing...
Something the parents uttering the resilient resilient resilient war chant are incapable of managing - putting the kids' stability first.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
^^^^^ that situation up there is ideal. But for 2 parents trying to build new lives it’s nearly an impossible situation and financially to have 3 residences . Shared home and 2 separate homes . On paper, it’s great, in reality, it never works and certainly doesn’t work forever .
Again, I think maybe my kids got lucky. She’s always had 2 homes and never lived any other way. Both are her home. She never really packed a bag either. She had what she needs at my home and his. Parents were always on time and she never had to question if either of us would show up. She sleep like a log at both houses.
I don’t take all the credit for this . My ex has done his part.
I really do think it comes down to 2 parents doing the right thing, even if it’s the wrong situation.
I've seen it where the spouses share a marital home and switch off to the same apartment, alternating weeks at each residence, so there's two, not three places to live.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I've seen it where the spouses share a marital home and switch off to the same apartment, alternating weeks at each residence, so there's two, not three places to live.
That only sort of works when both spouses are in agreement they should divorce . If either party is pursuing a relationship, it won’t work.
How does it work for their personal lives? I imagine this works for only so long. Or maybe for the last few years before they are 18. Because you are basically sharing 2 homes with your ex.
My point in this is that yeah the WS clings to kids are resilient just as the LBS typically clings to the notion that divorce destroys the children’s lives. Neither are necessarily true and again much depends on how the parents handle it.
I do think it will more of a burden when they are older with their own families and they have to work two families into their lives on the holidays and such.
My point in this is that yeah the WS clings to kids are resilient just as the LBS typically clings to the notion that divorce destroys the children’s lives. Neither are necessarily true and again much depends on how the parents handle it.
I do think it will more of a burden when they are older with their own families and they have to work two families into their lives on the holidays and such.
Nope. Not two families. Minimally three, including their own in-laws, or four if they marry someone who is also a child of divorce.
And my point is that we all do our best, yet no one will really know what their kids are experiencing until said children are much older - in their 20s - and start having those conversations about their experiences. They cannot fully articulate or understand it until their brains develop in late adolescence.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I've seen it where the spouses share a marital home and switch off to the same apartment, alternating weeks at each residence, so there's two, not three places to live.
That only sort of works when both spouses are in agreement they should divorce . If either party is pursuing a relationship, it won’t work.
How does it work for their personal lives? I imagine this works for only so long. Or maybe for the last few years before they are 18. Because you are basically sharing 2 homes with your ex.
Dunno. I imagine it requires a heck of a lot more patience and tolerance than most people possess.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
