Too many guys let fear control them during this stage. Don't be like them.
Preach! Never has a truer word been spoken on this website!!!!!
That fear is driven by ingrained behaviours, reinforced over time.
Because conflict and fear with wife make you feel uncomfortable and vulnerable, you avoid it at all costs. You have learned the quickest solution to relieve that fear - and inevitably that’s placating her, doing more dishes, telling her she looks amazing, cooking dinner, and being Mr super happy nice guy husband slave.
Ironically, being a doormat breaks your marriage and destroys your hopes of reconciliation - because while you see hope and happiness and return to normal in being Mr nice guy, she sees a weak, controllable, beta man who she is trying to get away from and who keeps hanging on and holding her back from her happiness with OM.
You need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Tell her one time to do her own dishes… she might not like it, she may shout/cry/argue/go berserk, and you will feel uncomfortable because there’s no peace.
But deep down, she’d actually respect you.
Women won’t stay with men long term that they don’t respect.
Anyway, enough about a cheat…. Well done on the GAL. How’s your exercise program going?
Have you set some personal goals?
How about gain 10 pounds muscle, or lose 10 pounds of fat, or learn to sing, join your local library… what about joining a hiking group, learn a new language….
The world’s your oyster Mike! Grab life by the horns. She can come along for the ride or not, but no point waiting to see what she decides.
Running is going well. Was feeling a bit run down so I took a couple days off. Had a hard run today, a lot of hills. Wanting to drop about 20lbs and keep it off this time. I lost roughly 35 over the winter and spring, gained 20 back. Lifting to just maintain muscle for now. I’ve always had the haircut I like and bought the clothes I like. I’ve recently been buying some new clothes and shoes. I definitely wouldn’t say I’ve never been a beta male, until recently I suppose. I’m going to hang my heavy bag and speed bag up and start doing some boxing work outs again. Seems like a good time to punch things and get rid of some some anger.
I’m going to hang my heavy bag and speed bag up and start doing some boxing work outs again. Seems like a good time to punch things and get rid of some some anger.
Indeed!
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Something I haven't really posted about is the fact that I will be retiring soon. My original plan was 6/1, now it might be 1/1. This has been the milestone I've been trying to reach for 27 years at this job and now it doesn't really excite me like it did. The plan was to immediately go to work somewhere else for 5-10 years and really enjoy life, finally. I can just about double my current income and afford to do the things we never could. Now there might not be a "we". Yes, I know I can still do the things I planned. It just [censored]. I want to travel, get a boat, and generally live it up. It's hard to imagine not having her by my side after all these years to share this stage of life with. It's easy to think that I can move on without her since she will be the one choosing to leave, but it doesn't matter. It will suck and there's no two ways about it. I also know that I could eventually find someone else to share this time with. That's not really something I care to think about right now. Would probably rather be alone at this stage in life. Not really looking for any answers, just feeling really down about it and needed to whine a little. It's nice to have a place to vent.
Something I haven't really posted about is the fact that I will be retiring soon.
Congratulations!
Originally Posted by MikeP
My original plan was 6/1, now it might be 1/1.
What's changed?
Originally Posted by MikeP
This has been the milestone I've been trying to reach for 27 years at this job and now it doesn't really excite me like it did.
I understand. It will excite you again. As our good friend DNJ likes to say "feeling are fleeting".
Originally Posted by MikeP
The plan was to immediately go to work somewhere else for 5-10 years and really enjoy life, finally.
Is this still the plan?
Originally Posted by MikeP
It's hard to imagine not having her by my side after all these years to share this stage of life with.
Yep. I felt the same way. No way could I possibly move on without her. never more WRONG!
Originally Posted by MikeP
It's easy to think that I can move on without her since she will be the one choosing to leave, but it doesn't matter.
Still [censored].
Originally Posted by MikeP
It will suck and there's no two ways about it.
Yep for awhile it will.
Originally Posted by MikeP
I also know that I could eventually find someone else to share this time with.
Absolutely! Someone who adores and appreciates you and wants to have sex all the time.
Originally Posted by MikeP
That's not really something I care to think about right now.
Understandably. Remember feelings are fleeting.
Originally Posted by MikeP
Would probably rather be alone at this stage in life.
Bet you 100 bucks that changes in time.
Originally Posted by MikeP
Not really looking for any answers, just feeling really down about it and needed to whine a little. It's nice to have a place to vent.
It's okay Mikey P. Just don't wallow for too long.
What changed is the difference in my retirement check is negligible and I am ready to move on. The plan is still the same, already have a line on a good job. I'm sure if we don't work it out, I will want to meet someone new. Hard to imagine right now. Thanks LH, I won't wallow for long. Needed to get it out. I'm trying to stay positive and hope for the best. Also trying to mentally prepare for the worst.
It's really difficult to figure out what the rest of your life is going to be when someone's just blown it to smithereens.
However, there's another way to look at this: you now have what Jack3Beans used to call the gift of time. I say if you can, retire on 1/1 ... and take this precious gift (that we all know you never asked for) and use it to figure out who you are now. You know who you were before your marriage and during your marriage. Give yourself the opportunity to discover who you are now. This process will change you. Take time to process those changes. Really think about what your core values are now, and what is most important to you. Taking the time to do this will help you figure out what you really want in your life as you move forward either with or without your wife.
Happy Thanksgiving.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
It's really difficult to figure out what the rest of your life is going to be when someone's just blown it to smithereens.
However, there's another way to look at this: you now have what Jack3Beans used to call the gift of time. I say if you can, retire on 1/1 ... and take this precious gift (that we all know you never asked for) and use it to figure out who you are now. You know who you were before your marriage and during your marriage. Give yourself the opportunity to discover who you are now. This process will change you. Take time to process those changes. Really think about what your core values are now, and what is most important to you. Taking the time to do this will help you figure out what you really want in your life as you move forward either with or without your wife.
Something I haven't really posted about is the fact that I will be retiring soon. My original plan was 6/1, now it might be 1/1. This has been the milestone I've been trying to reach for 27 years at this job and now it doesn't really excite me like it did. The plan was to immediately go to work somewhere else for 5-10 years and really enjoy life, finally. I can just about double my current income and afford to do the things we never could. Now there might not be a "we". Yes, I know I can still do the things I planned. It just [censored]. I want to travel, get a boat, and generally live it up. It's hard to imagine not having her by my side after all these years to share this stage of life with. It's easy to think that I can move on without her since she will be the one choosing to leave, but it doesn't matter. It will suck and there's no two ways about it. I also know that I could eventually find someone else to share this time with. That's not really something I care to think about right now. Would probably rather be alone at this stage in life. Not really looking for any answers, just feeling really down about it and needed to whine a little. It's nice to have a place to vent.
Mike the problem with this thinking is that we live in an imperfect world. Disease. Accidents. Acts of violence. Even natural disasters are all out of our control. So anyone in our lives could be taken from us at any moment. There is a big difference between missing someone and not being able to go on without them. Over attachment in an imperfect world is a not a good thing.
Are you in independent counseling? If not I would highly encourage it. The forum is nice, but a good counselor can really help you work through issues like this.
Last edited by SteveLW; 11/23/2207:41 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Something I haven't really posted about is the fact that I will be retiring soon. My original plan was 6/1, now it might be 1/1. This has been the milestone I've been trying to reach for 27 years at this job and now it doesn't really excite me like it did. The plan was to immediately go to work somewhere else for 5-10 years and really enjoy life, finally. I can just about double my current income and afford to do the things we never could. Now there might not be a "we". Yes, I know I can still do the things I planned. It just [censored]. I want to travel, get a boat, and generally live it up. It's hard to imagine not having her by my side after all these years to share this stage of life with. It's easy to think that I can move on without her since she will be the one choosing to leave, but it doesn't matter. It will suck and there's no two ways about it. I also know that I could eventually find someone else to share this time with. That's not really something I care to think about right now. Would probably rather be alone at this stage in life. Not really looking for any answers, just feeling really down about it and needed to whine a little. It's nice to have a place to vent.
Mike the problem with this thinking is that we live in an imperfect world. Disease. Accidents. Acts of violence. Even natural disasters are all out of our control. So anyone in our lives could be taken from us at any moment. There is a big difference between missing someone and not being able to go on without them. Over attachment in an imperfect world is a not a good thing.
Are you in independent counseling? If not I would highly encourage it. The forum is nice, but a good counselor can really help you work through issues like this.
Yes, I have been seeing an IC. Infrequently. I definitely have an over attachment with my W. I won’t get into why I believe it happened, but I am aware. Of course being aware doesn’t mean squat without addressing it. Thanks for the input.
Steve, I read your thread “How do you DB when you love your WAS”. Others have said some version of it, but it really hit home. I looked inside myself and admitted that I am absolutely still operating out of fear. I’m still in love with her, but I am more in love with the romanticized story of us. 33 years of life. We were kids when we met, it’s hard for me understand her feelings, only mine. I am not giving up on us but I realize that what you posted makes sense. She wants to be happy. It hurts so much to think someone else can make her happy. I will try to keep these things in mind moving forward. It hurts, but I won’t die. I will definitely stop with the nice guy stuff. I’m trying. That’s the best I can do.
