Living with WAW 3

[Kind18]

<Deleted Link to Other Site.>

Dress like this for the day after Thanksgiving. Buy and wear Jean Paul Gaultier le Male.

Oh, and get a new haircut too.

Mr Nice Guy, and letting her dress you… it ain’t working for you.


(Remember, part of our user agreement for this community is to not post links to other sites. - DnJ)

[LH19]

In my personal life, I tend to care what normal, trustworthy people think of me and my life. Their opinion matters to me. If someone in my life is a cheat and a liar, I spend zero of my headspace thinking about what I should do or say and how they might take it.

This is so true. Life is too short to give anyone that treats you badly the time of day.

Personally, I wouldn’t be spending any time with her. I definitely wouldn’t be wearing matchy matchy outfits for Christmas. Like, WTF?

I agree. If you want to have one more decorating day with your children than as others stated dress to the 9s and head out afterwards.

You’re just teaching her it’s okay to treat you like crap.

This is so true and you will see it someday down the road.

You’ll dress up like her little Christmas Elf twin, but meanwhile some other guy is probably going to be taking those clothes off her when she is at his house cheating on you.

Unfortunately this is also true. Sad but true.

What you’ve done for years (trying to keep her happy and not rocking the boat) HASN’T WORKED.

DW one thing I can always guarantee is placating never works.

You know what you should do? Ignore her completely including any comments about matching outfits.

Yep.

If she seems surprised or pissed and asks why you aren’t her little Christmas b*tch, don’t bite - just be super happy!

This made me spit my coffee (thanks Kind18). Again sad but true. She is emasculating you. DO NOT LET HER.

“Why won’t you wear my little b*tch costume I bought for you, it seems very rude.”

See above.

“I’m going out to meet friends later and want to look my best.”

YES.

One last thing DW. Please under no circumstances tell her again you don't want a divorce. She knows it. Believe me she knows it and is using it against you.

[DnJ]

If she honestly believes we are no longer together, does it still constitute infidelity?

Yes. Rational, logic, reason, and definitions do not change just because someone feels or believes differently.

I think it was more just me trying to view things from her perspective.

From her perspective, she will use that as justification to be unfaithful. Yet, when one’s feelings change their justification falls apart.

Long standing beliefs are rooted in reality. Life’s feedback providing reinforcement, affirming validity of one’s convictions. Wishful beliefs take much energy to continually maintain, as the world, people, events, karma, etc, constantly chip away at a person’s self believed narrative.

The “right” path is surprisingly easy to walk. And everyone has their own “right” path. There are some universal tenets that are generally accepted as guidelines for right and wrong, like what constitutes infidelity. We all weave those into our lives and journey. And someone going counter to their foundation and principles is not that hard to see. Amazing how hard some folks try to make something they are doing to be “right”.

And what impact does that have on anything that I'm doing? I'm not sure it makes a difference either way. It doesn't change the betrayal, hurt, affect on the family or actions that I should be taking.

The impact upon you will be as it needs to be. Seeing clearly, not her BS, clearly seeing her perspective and its non logical facade lets you step aside from it. Not buy into it. Affirming you and your values.

We all need a certain amount of understanding to let go and move forward. That needed amount increases as one heals and moves forward. It’s growth. Each facet of our situation we learn more and more, and grow more and more.

Strengthen your beliefs that serve, crafting those you aspire to, and discarding those that no longer or do not serve. That will not change what has happened or has previously affected your family, however it can/will alter things going forward.

Seeing from her perspective, leads to understanding, empathy, acceptance, and forgiveness. And that is a significant impact.

D

[DW17]

Thanks guys for the input. IC was interesting. I did my basic 2 week recap, we talked about my thoughts on responding to the D papers and I told him I made the decision to stick it out and fight for my marriage. He commended me for the strength to do that, but also made it seem like I was an idiot for doing so. I told him that if it weren’t for D4, I am sure I would have ended things already, which opened up a bunch of other thoughts. I know people say that you shouldn’t stay with someone just because of your kids, but bringing D4 into my life was a choice that I made with the sole intention of providing her the best possible life. Splitting up this family in no way gives her the best possible life in my opinion. She saw a commercial about Disneyland, got excited and asked if she could go there. I was supposed to go back to CA for work this summer and take her there. There is no way I will be able to do that now, nor will I be able to travel for work anymore with split custody. I get to travel to Japan for work too and wanted to take W and D4 there one day. I won’t be able to volunteer for those trips either. It’s tough. It’s just another little thing that makes this whole situation so frustrating.

I am usually pretty diligent with my info on electronic devices. I had changed all of my passwords already. The issue was that I did not realize the email app was logged in on the computer since I never use it. I use the web browser for email. I removed the email account from the app, changed my password again, and set up a new email address. It’s obnoxious how linked things are. Hard to completely split things when everything is designed to be connected these days. We don’t have any other shared devices or linked accounts that I know of, so hopefully I’m in the clear. I try to do any “business” related things from work to avoid any accidents, but I guess I let one slip.

I decided I will be doing the Xmas tree stuff on Friday. Xmas is D18’s favorite holiday and we’ve had this tradition every year since they were little. We cut down a tree the day after Thanksgiving, decorate it and listen to Xmas music in our Xmas pajamas. I would be doing this whether W was there or not and it’s something I intend to continue in the future even without her. The kids (D is coming over also) have a lot of fun and it’s one of the memories with them that I cherish more than most. I don’t view it as a keep the peace type of thing, I view it more like W is not going to ruin this tradition that I look forward to doing with my kids.

In addition to the pajamas, we also usually all dress in nice holiday inspired clothing and take pics at the tree farm. We usually send these out on our Xmas cards. W only bought them for the little kids and asked everyone else to pick stuff out from Amazon so she could get it. She got mad yesterday that nobody picked anything out or seemed to care. I didn’t get anything, D18 hasn’t picked a shirt and S19 doesn’t really care. The pajamas are already purchased, so I’ll wear the little b*tch costume for D4 and D6.

The Xmas outfit thing got me thinking about Thanksgiving. As I’ve said, W is pretty upset that I won’t be spending it with my kids. I don’t think she actually cares about that though. I think she is upset that she can’t project normalcy if I’m not there. Yesterday she asked what I am bringing to my family’s house. I was asked to make a lemon meringue pie, which is W’s favorite. It was a little satisfying seeing her irritation that I’m bringing her favorite dessert to a different house. I will try and avoid having the holidays be “business as usual”, but a couple of things (getting the tree, the pajamas on Xmas morning) I don’t want to change this year for the kids. I imagine all other holiday things we usually do will be different. I’m trying to think of a new tradition I can do with the kids also. There’s a drive through holiday light show that we might go to and get pizza after. There's also a zoo that we've gone to a few times that has lights everywhere. That was a tradition when I was young that fizzled out as I got older. I'll keep thinking on it.

No need to tell her again that you don’t want to D

Fewer words. You don't need to tell her all that

One last thing DW. Please under no circumstances tell her again you don't want a divorce. She knows it. Believe me she knows it and is using it against you.

You guys are right. I haven’t said it other than my email response a few weeks ago, and I won’t mention it again. Thanks.

So odd how they live in two worlds

This is one of the strangest parts of all of this. My sister said when she decided she was getting D, it was over immediately. Wanted nothing to do with him, didn’t want to see him, talk to him, nothing. Other people have told me the same thing. I don’t know if it’s specific to WW’s, but it’s like she is trying to avoid any accountability that she’s ruining her family by pretending certain things are normal even though everyone can see that nothing is normal.

Wasn’t planning on writing this much, but one last thing. W posted some pictures from Saturday at the casino on Instagram that D18 showed me because several of her friends reached out asking if her mom was okay. (Some of D18’s friends follow W on there). She was flipping off the camera in one and dressed in a practically see through shirt in another and just generally looking like someone going through some sh!t. D18 was pretty much in tears from the embarrassment and asking why her mom was acting like a teenager. It was sad having to comfort her about this, but I just told her that she can’t control the image that W is projecting to the world, that she has every right to feel embarrassed by it, and that her mom will hopefully work her way through it eventually. I wish W understood the hurt she is causing.

[LH19]

I wish W understood the hurt she is causing.

She does she just doesn't care.

[DonH]

Wasn’t planning on writing this much, but one last thing. W posted some pictures from Saturday at the casino on Instagram that D18 showed me because several of her friends reached out asking if her mom was okay. (Some of D18’s friends follow W on there). She was flipping off the camera in one and dressed in a practically see through shirt in another and just generally looking like someone going through some sh!t. D18 was pretty much in tears from the embarrassment and asking why her mom was acting like a teenager. It was sad having to comfort her about this, but I just told her that she can’t control the image that W is projecting to the world, that she has every right to feel embarrassed by it, and that her mom will hopefully work her way through it eventually. I wish W understood the hurt she is causing.

Good job with D18. However why not also encourage her to tell her mom how she feels? D is an adult. Sure still maturing but she needs to express her feelings to her mom. There are consequences to our actions and W is so far escaping many of them. I’m not claiming it will change Ws behavior but it’s a great learning lesson for D to speak up for herself. Might be a good lesson for you as well.

[DnJ]

D18 was pretty much in tears from the embarrassment and asking why her mom was acting like a teenager. It was sad having to comfort her about this, but I just told her that she can’t control the image that W is projecting to the world, that she has every right to feel embarrassed by it, and that her mom will hopefully work her way through it eventually.

Nice job Dad! Well done. I’m sure D18 loved the support from you.

[Ready2Change]

She was ..dressed in a practically see through shirt .

I would find that shirt and wear it Xmas morning instead of her little b*tch costume. If it is appropriate for out in public, has to be fine in the privacy of your own home.

[BL42]

DW17,

IC was interesting. I did my basic 2 week recap, we talked about my thoughts on responding to the D papers and I told him I made the decision to stick it out and fight for my marriage. He commended me for the strength to do that, but also made it seem like I was an idiot for doing so.

Your IC made it seem like you were an idiot to stick it out and fight for your marriage? Does that strike anyone else as an odd thing for an IC to do?

I told him that if it weren’t for D4, I am sure I would have ended things already, which opened up a bunch of other thoughts. I know people say that you shouldn’t stay with someone just because of your kids, but bringing D4 into my life was a choice that I made with the sole intention of providing her the best possible life. Splitting up this family in no way gives her the best possible life in my opinion.

Working on your marriage for your kids' sake is a perfectly valid reason. Maybe the most important reason. However, just realize that unfortunately it might not ultimately be your decision - the end result is not something you can control.

She saw a commercial about Disneyland, got excited and asked if she could go there. I was supposed to go back to CA for work this summer and take her there. There is no way I will be able to do that now,

I had a trip to FL recently and floated the idea of taking the kids and my parents along to do Disney during the long weekend and then my parents flying them home while I stayed for my meetings, but it was too tough to pull off logistically. Maybe sometime soon though...

nor will I be able to travel for work anymore with split custody.

I have 50/50 custody and have traveled for work. If it comes to D try to align your business travel with your off weeks when possible and hopefully you and your Ex can be reasonable about switching time when it doesn't.

I get to travel to Japan for work too and wanted to take W and D4 there one day.

Make it happen! I know it's daunting, trust me, but you can do more as a single parent than you think.

I am usually pretty diligent with my info on electronic devices. I had changed all of my passwords already. The issue was that I did not realize the email app was logged in on the computer since I never use it.

Because the proliferation of smartphones, tablets, smartwatches...etc. some accounts/services have a "log out of all other devices" option now you might be able to leverage.

it’s something I intend to continue in the future even without her.

Good! Regardless of what happens between you and your W, you make sure to keep up the traditions with your kids.

I’m trying to think of a new tradition I can do with the kids also.

Excellent! My kids and I have already formed new traditions...S7 is already eager and asking to have my mom make "Christmas Tree pancakes" and go get our tree together.

W posted some pictures from Saturday at the casino on Instagram that D18 showed me because several of her friends reached out asking if her mom was okay. (Some of D18’s friends follow W on there). She was flipping off the camera in one and dressed in a practically see through shirt in another and just generally looking like someone going through some sh!t. D18 was pretty much in tears from the embarrassment and asking why her mom was acting like a teenager.

WSs are the DEFINITION of selfishness. Don't think for a second she's going to stop her bad actions because it's hurting you or the kids.

It was sad having to comfort her about this, but I just told her that she can’t control the image that W is projecting to the world, that she has every right to feel embarrassed by it, and that her mom will hopefully work her way through it eventually.

Sounds like you listened, validated, and handled the situation and conversation with your daughter very well. Good job dad. Keep rising up above your hurt and be there for your kids - they won't forget it.

I wish W understood the hurt she is causing.

Not sure if they recognize the hurt they cause and don't care at all OR if they're just completely oblivious to it all unless it directly impacts them - probably some of both - but make no mistake...they only do what they think is best for themselves.

[DW17]

Your IC made it seem like you were an idiot to stick it out and fight for your marriage? Does that strike anyone else as an odd thing for an IC to do?

He commended me for sticking it out, but said he couldn't understand how I could do that. It left me feeling like I was making a mistake.

I have 50/50 custody and have traveled for work. If it comes to D try to align your business travel with your off weeks when possible and hopefully you and your Ex can be reasonable about switching time when it doesn't.

My trips are usually a minimum of 1 month up to a max of 8. I got to take the family to CA for 8 months several years ago and it was awesome. This last trip was "short" where I spend 6 weeks there. My Japan trips were both about 4 months long. It worked great when W could just take the summer off and bring the kids, but can't work with split custody.

Because the proliferation of smartphones, tablets, smartwatches...etc. some accounts/services have a "log out of all other devices" option now you might be able to leverage.

I did find this option for my email. It was funny though, it logged me out of my own phone but not the laptop. I had to remove my email account from the computer to get it to stop automatically logging on. I hate technology sometimes.