Living with WAW 3

[Ready2Change]

I'm pretty sure that he typed into Google, " How to save my Marriage"

When I type that in, I didn't find it in the top 50 hits. Same when I typed "divorce". Not much SEO for this site.

[DW17]

Lol, I don't even remember what led me to this site. I read DR and obviously Googled something that led me here. Regardless, I'm glad I found it.

[Mach1]

Again, thank you all for providing your perspectives and advice. Even when it's conflicting, it is very helpful. It's tough leaning on friends/family for these situations because of the potential ramifications. Having opinions from people who have been through similar situations as I'm going through that do not affect my relationships with friends/family is a gift that I truly appreciate.

Even as emotionally raw as you are right now...

There is a passion for you to find peace...whatever that looks like for you.

Same with us posters...

Everyone posting to you wants the absolute best for you, and sometimes that leads to differences of opinions, and different ways of addressing things...

What works for one, will not, and should not work for another considering how differing we all are.

Every situation is entirely unique, yet so eerily similar....

We become overly passionate about our advice. And leads to things like what you read this morning.

It's all opinion as nobody here is a professional ...

We offer what we've seen, sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad....

The beauty in it, is that good or bad, it's all experience in something that the poster isn't adept at....

I respect LH's opinion, even if I don't agree with it. Because he earned his opinion the hard way, the same as everyone here posting to you.

Whatever choices that you make, just be sure that you aren't making an emotional decision, and that you have zero regrets down the road. That you feel that you did everything that you could do to save your marriage.

I want that for you....

[bttrfly]

I'm late to the game DW, but I want to share with you something which was invaluable to me during the early days. Our divorce mediator, who was a marital mediator, advised me to take as much time as I needed ... my timeline not my husband's or anyone else's ... take all the time I needed to get really clear about what I wanted. He stated with the authority of experience that if I figured out what I wanted then the rest would fall into place.

He was not wrong.

Take what makes sense to you and leave the rest.

[LH19]

DW I am like the big brother in DB land and get really angry when when I read about the lack of respect these WS give to people they have been with for sometimes decades. Wanting a D is one thing but making jokes about it really aggravates me. Stay the course and make decisions that are best for you.

I just want to comment on one thing you wrote above. There are no guarantees she snaps out of it and goes back to her "normal" self. These behaviors sometimes are more of who they really are and will be moving forward.

I respect LH's opinion, even if I don't agree with it. Because he earned his opinion the hard way, the same as everyone here posting to you.

I respect your opinion too Mach. It's all good in the hood I let my emotions get the better of me.

[DW17]

Nothing new to report. Everything has basically been at a stand still. Haven't heard anything about the D papers, nothing about the apartment she supposedly applied for, nothing at all. The weekend went well. I got to spend a ton of time with the kids and with family. We weren't really home all weekend between activities and family time. W was pretty much gone from Fri night until Sun afternoon. Her older cousin stole her for bday stuff for most of the weekend.

I'm going solo to Thanksgiving with my family this year, which will be interesting. Not really looking forward to missing this day with the kids, but it is what it is. W has been very friendly the past several days. I'm still keeping my distance. W is buying matching Xmas outfits for this Friday. One of our traditions is to cut our Xmas tree and hang out all day decorating for Xmas on the day after Thanksgiving. It didn't seem right to stop doing that for several reasons all involving the kids, so we're continuing with it this year.

I did have some thoughts yesterday morning that took a few hours to shake. I'm reading DR again and I was reading the chapter on infidelity. I started thinking about the email W sent me about how we agreed to a separation and that I said she was free to make her own choices. I'm not sure what part of DR triggered these thoughts, but I started questioning things. I know W is using this to justify her actions. She believes that we are separated right now and can do whatever we want. I am forced to accept a separation I don't want and try and decide what I will or won't accept while we go through this. If she honestly believes we are no longer together, does it still constitute infidelity? And what impact does that have on anything that I'm doing? I'm not sure it makes a difference either way. It doesn't change the betrayal, hurt, affect on the family or actions that I should be taking. I think it was more just me trying to view things from her perspective. I shook those thoughts and went on with my day and had a lot of fun.

Today I took the day off to watch the World Cup game with D18 and some of her soccer team. I have IC later also. I originally told W that I'd get back to her about the D papers in 1-2 weeks. That time would be this week. I doesn't feel right to ignore it since I told W when I would respond to them, but I'm not sure exactly how I plan to approach the situation. I think I will basically tell her what I've said previously. I've spent a lot of time thinking about this and I still do not wish to D, but I won't stand in her way. If there are documents that she needs that she cannot access, I will provide those, but I will not be filling anything out for her. I'll discuss this with my IC also, but not sure how much help he will be.

Another random side note, D18 was on W's laptop that she was guarding like Ft. Knox until a few days ago and my email was open on it. She doesn't have the password so I think it is either linked to me signing in somewhere else, or I didn't log out of the email app, which I don't think I even used on that computer. I'm not sure. The only thing I wouldn't have wanted her to see were some payment and general information forms the L sent last week in my junk mail. I'll change the password again and get a new email address for any future things like this, but I am curious if she saw it. She didn't say anything and I haven't said anything either.

[DnJ]

Hi DW

When using a device that is not your sole use and under your control, it’s a good idea to always clear the browser cache and of course log out.

I agree you should respond regarding her paperwork; you keeping your word. How about, I looked it over and there is a lot of missing information.

Leave it at that. No need to tell her again that you don’t want to D. No looking up information for her. Let your actions speak. If she asks something directly, deal with that. By the way, sometimes the answer can be no.

When my W was crafting the separation agreement, she would stop by and pick up things. Shop around the house and gather this and that and take it with her to OM’s house. I actually use the words that you cannot use the house like a store and stop by to shop. You cannot take marital assets without a record. Someone else’s words and wise counsel as I was basically a walking zombie. Anyhow, that was her last shopping trip.

D

[LH19]

So DW your brain is hard wired to protect you and get you to your safe place. It will try to get you to rationalize that your W isn’t cheating so you can safely let her back and get things “back to normal”. Understand what is happening and try to use your logical side of the brain as much as possible

FYI I would have plans for Friday.

[BL42]

DW17,

W is buying matching Xmas outfits for this Friday. One of our traditions is to cut our Xmas tree and hang out all day decorating for Xmas on the day after Thanksgiving. It didn't seem right to stop doing that for several reasons all involving the kids, so we're continuing with it this year.

So odd how they live in two worlds. My ExW signed us up for family events with our friends well after BD, cooking Sunday dinner w/my parents, and doing yardwork and gardening the week before she moved out.

If you can handle it and want to keep the tradition with your kids than go for it, but in the more likely case you're lying to yourself and really playing along to keep the peace and hope the "normalness" of it wakes her up and fixes things you should steel your resolve that these type of things don't typically make a difference in the DB'ing. Not let something like this draw you in only to disappoint and hurt you. I guess I'm saying make sure you temper your expectations here. I may be with LH about being busy instead. You have to decide for yourself but I definitely look back at things I did to play along and have one last hike with the family as shortsighted now.

I know W is using this to justify her actions.

Ding, ding, ding!

She believes that we are separated right now and can do whatever we want.

She is MARRIED! I'm willing to bet you two didn't write a "...until we decide to separate" clause into the vows.

If she honestly believes we are no longer together, does it still constitute infidelity?

Yes! See above. Don't allow yourself to buy into her major pile of BS.

Today I took the day off to watch the World Cup game with D18 and some of her soccer team.

Same here! And well done. Making memories with your daughter. We had about 10 kids and their parents for pizza and the game. Disappointing result considering the US dominated the first half and had a late lead. Someone called it a draw that felt like a loss. We had fun though, especially the kids...so that's what mattered.

I have IC later also.

Good. How'd it go?

I doesn't feel right to ignore it since I told W when I would respond to them, but I'm not sure exactly how I plan to approach the situation.

Ok, Mr Nice Guy. I wouldn't lose too much sleep about something "not feeling right". She's cheating on you and divorcing you...do what's best for you.

I think I will basically tell her what I've said previously. I've spent a lot of time thinking about this and I still do not wish to D, but I won't stand in her way. If there are documents that she needs that she cannot access, I will provide those, but I will not be filling anything out for her.

Fewer words. You don't need to tell her all that. Actions > words.

Another random side note, D18 was on W's laptop that she was guarding like Ft. Knox until a few days ago and my email was open on it. She doesn't have the password so I think it is either linked to me signing in somewhere else, or I didn't log out of the email app, which I don't think I even used on that computer. I'm not sure. The only thing I wouldn't have wanted her to see were some payment and general information forms the L sent last week in my junk mail. I'll change the password again and get a new email address for any future things like this, but I am curious if she saw it. She didn't say anything and I haven't said anything either.

You better go through every device and every account (email, banking, social media...etc.) and log all devices and change every password. She's divorcing you and this is a hostile negotiation now. You don't need to tell her it is...but you treat it as such.

[Kind18]

DW17,

W is buying matching Xmas outfits for this Friday. One of our traditions is to cut our Xmas tree and hang out all day decorating for Xmas on the day after Thanksgiving. It didn't seem right to stop doing that for several reasons all involving the kids, so we're continuing with it this year.

So odd how they live in two worlds. My ExW signed us up for family events with our friends well after BD, cooking Sunday dinner w/my parents, and doing yardwork and gardening the week before she moved out.

If you can handle it and want to keep the tradition with your kids than go for it, but in the more likely case you're lying to yourself and really playing along to keep the peace and hope the "normalness" of it wakes her up and fixes things you should steel your resolve that these type of things don't typically make a difference in the DB'ing. Not let something like this draw you in only to disappoint and hurt you. I guess I'm saying make sure you temper your expectations here. I may be with LH about being busy instead. You have to decide for yourself but I definitely look back at things I did to play along and have one last hike with the family as shortsighted now.

I know W is using this to justify her actions.

Ding, ding, ding!

She believes that we are separated right now and can do whatever we want.

She is MARRIED! I'm willing to bet you two didn't write a "...until we decide to separate" clause into the vows.

If she honestly believes we are no longer together, does it still constitute infidelity?

Yes! See above. Don't allow yourself to buy into her major pile of BS.

Today I took the day off to watch the World Cup game with D18 and some of her soccer team.

Same here! And well done. Making memories with your daughter. We had about 10 kids and their parents for pizza and the game. Disappointing result considering the US dominated the first half and had a late lead. Someone called it a draw that felt like a loss. We had fun though, especially the kids...so that's what mattered.

I have IC later also.

Good. How'd it go?

I doesn't feel right to ignore it since I told W when I would respond to them, but I'm not sure exactly how I plan to approach the situation.

Ok, Mr Nice Guy. I wouldn't lose too much sleep about something "not feeling right". She's cheating on you and divorcing you...do what's best for you.

I think I will basically tell her what I've said previously. I've spent a lot of time thinking about this and I still do not wish to D, but I won't stand in her way. If there are documents that she needs that she cannot access, I will provide those, but I will not be filling anything out for her.

Fewer words. You don't need to tell her all that. Actions > words.

Another random side note, D18 was on W's laptop that she was guarding like Ft. Knox until a few days ago and my email was open on it. She doesn't have the password so I think it is either linked to me signing in somewhere else, or I didn't log out of the email app, which I don't think I even used on that computer. I'm not sure. The only thing I wouldn't have wanted her to see were some payment and general information forms the L sent last week in my junk mail. I'll change the password again and get a new email address for any future things like this, but I am curious if she saw it. She didn't say anything and I haven't said anything either.

You better go through every device and every account (email, banking, social media...etc.) and log all devices and change every password. She's divorcing you and this is a hostile negotiation now. You don't need to tell her it is...but you treat it as such.

As usual, BL42 is on the money with everything.

In my personal life, I tend to care what normal, trustworthy people think of me and my life. Their opinion matters to me. If someone in my life is a cheat and a liar, I spend zero of my headspace thinking about what I should do or say and how they might take it. Personally, I wouldn’t be spending any time with her. I definitely wouldn’t be wearing matchy matchy outfits for Christmas. Like, WTF? #spewemoji

You’re just teaching her it’s okay to treat you like crap. You’ll dress up like her little Christmas Elf twin, but meanwhile some other guy is probably going to be taking those clothes off her when she is at his house cheating on you.

What you’ve done for years (trying to keep her happy and not rocking the boat) HASN’T WORKED.

You know what you should do? Ignore her completely including any comments about matching outfits. Go buy some stylish, modern clothes like new chinos, a Ralph Lauren collared shirt and new dress shoes (not casual) and wear them with a great cologne. If she seems surprised or pissed and asks why you aren’t her little Christmas b*tch, don’t bite - just be super happy!

“Why won’t you wear my little b*tch costume I bought for you, it seems very rude.”

“I’m going out to meet friends later and want to look my best.”

How did IC go?

Change ALL your passwords. ASAP.