Unsure about our future? Sometimes I am because I am doing my best to forgive the betrayal, but I wonder if I'm fooling myself. My anger towards the OM doesn't help but I'm just not there yet. The piece of sh!t had the nerve to tell her he loved her in front of me, that is going to take a long time to let go of. Something I am still harboring anger about that I haven't mentioned is that she used my daughter as a means to meet him out. My daughter was at a park playing basketball with this guy while I'm home working on our house. Also met him at a basketball game and played it off as a coincidence to my daughter. I still struggle forgiving her for that, maybe more than sleeping with him. I may not have been a perfect husband, never thought I was, but have done my best to be as good a dad as I can be. My d13 and I are super close. I've coached her since she started softball and travel ball at 8. We're always on the road together, taking out of town trips for ball, etc. It felt like a worse betrayal using my girl to help her meet him out than actually meeting him out, if that makes sense.
Thanks for linking your threads. That makes it easier for those following you and reading along.
By the way, if you want to dress up your linking you can use the URL command. Just press the quote button on the initial post to see its syntax using your actually address.
Basically:
[ url=Web Address]Displayed Text[/url]
Note: I left a space between “[“ and “url” otherwise it would be seen as the command and it won’t display. Need to remove that space when actually using the command.
Web Address - The address of the page or post your are wanting to link to.
Displayed Text - The blue text that will be displayed, which when pressed will take the reader to the aforementioned Web Address.
Last edited by DnJ; 11/18/2204:59 PM.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Jesus. I was reading DW17’s thread and the talk getting lawyers, negotiating caused to start having anxiety/tearing up. God damn I’m a wimp.
You are not a wimp at all. I had these feelings almost daily for awhile as well. There were several days where it was hard being at work and I would have to go for walks until I was ready to come back. It's tough. But it has gotten better as time has progressed. This was the first time in my life I've ever had anxiety. I could never relate to my wife, daughter or anyone else I knew that suffered from anxiety because I didn't understand it. So I'm much more empathetic to it now. But even the anxiety has subsided to the point where it's only an occasional background feeling. As others have mentioned, the single best thing that has worked for me when I start getting strong emotions is to exercise. I hop on the treadmill or go walk the dog for an hour and calm my nerves. I use that time to try and think things through, and find a good approach to whatever I'm dealing with. Yes, I still fail to do this at times, but all you can do is try your best, keep pushing ahead and create more successful days than failures.
I'll keep following along with your thread. I wish you the best.
Acceptance and forgiveness are closely linked. Or can be if one seeks that.
One can find a resigned acceptance to loss and the facts of the situation. Harbouring ill will and grudges to the parties involved.
Betrayal cuts deep and those wounds will heal. How well, and how much of a scar… we do influence that for ourselves.
Compassion, understanding, empathy, forgiveness, and acceptance is freeing. Forgiving is for you, not her.
I’m not suggesting you need to, or even will find forgiveness right away soon. Things take time. Especially to do right. And you want to do this right.
My point is to illustrate, demonstrate, show you that one can forgive. That your current feelings are not forever; even though they feel like that.
In time your anger will/can lessen and dissipate. Thing will look much different down the road than they do right now.
So no, you are not fooling yourself. You are crafting and imagining the possibility of forgiveness. And imagination is the first step in creation. If you cannot imagine forgiving, you’ll never acquire it. If you can imagine the possibility, then you’ve taken the most important step along that path.
It’s a most worthy journey my friend.
Healing from betrayal is hard. One’s default is to harden against the pain and possible future pains. Do not calcify your heart, keep it soft and squishy. My own betrayal wounds were incredibly deep. And healed equally as incredibly.
It is possible. For today it’s enough to just believe that.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Jesus. I was reading DW17’s thread and the talk getting lawyers, negotiating caused to start having anxiety/tearing up. God damn I’m a wimp.
You are not a wimp at all. I had these feelings almost daily for awhile as well. There were several days where it was hard being at work and I would have to go for walks until I was ready to come back. It's tough. But it has gotten better as time has progressed. This was the first time in my life I've ever had anxiety. I could never relate to my wife, daughter or anyone else I knew that suffered from anxiety because I didn't understand it. So I'm much more empathetic to it now. But even the anxiety has subsided to the point where it's only an occasional background feeling. As others have mentioned, the single best thing that has worked for me when I start getting strong emotions is to exercise. I hop on the treadmill or go walk the dog for an hour and calm my nerves. I use that time to try and think things through, and find a good approach to whatever I'm dealing with. Yes, I still fail to do this at times, but all you can do is try your best, keep pushing ahead and create more successful days than failures.
I'll keep following along with your thread. I wish you the best.
I went through the daily anxiety and sadness in the beginning as well. It definitely has made me more empathetic as well, never understood it. For the most part I'm over the anxiety feeling as well but thinking about lawyers and negotiating a divorce was more than I could handle. I also enjoy go for a run or to the gym when things get to me, unfortunately my back issue sidetracked that for the better part of a month. Started back Sunday and it's been great. I'll be following yours as well and thanks for the support.
Thanks DnJ. This board has been a blessing. Messaging with guys that have gone through it is so helpful. I have two guy friends that know what's going on but it's hard for me to talk about a lot of this in person with them. I guess I'm always wondering what they think, and if I'm being honest it's embarrassing to talk about my wife sleeping with another man with them.
Question for anyone following along that was able to reconcile after a PA. I guess anyone can answer really if you have some good advice. We are almost 8 months in and I still struggle with images of them having sex. In the beginning my problems were the typical male, ego driven problem-was it better, was he bigger, etc. Now I don't care about that, I just think about her being with him and randomly have images flash in my mind. I can usually shut it down but the damage is done. I guess maybe more time is the answer? I have even had these images pop in my head while we have been having sex, doesn't get much more screwed up than that. Again, maybe there are no answers but it can't hurt to ask.
Question for anyone following along that was able to reconcile after a PA. I guess anyone can answer really if you have some good advice. We are almost 8 months in and I still struggle with images of them having sex. In the beginning my problems were the typical male, ego driven problem-was it better, was he bigger, etc. Now I don't care about that, I just think about her being with him and randomly have images flash in my mind. I can usually shut it down but the damage is done. I guess maybe more time is the answer? I have even had these images pop in my head while we have been having sex, doesn't get much more screwed up than that. Again, maybe there are no answers but it can't hurt to ask.
I can understand your images etc. Women think of mental connection more so than the physical we think of. That being said, it will take a long time to rid yourself of the images of her with another man. Natural. Only you can truly see past that. I am sure someone with wiser and more experienced thoughts will come by and talk.
