Boundary after big D part four

[Mach40]

You said instead of telling a women what you want, nice guys do passive aggressive things instead to try and get needs met.
I basically said, tell a women what you want instead of buying crap, which is passive aggressive, to get what you want.

[LH19]

Mach tons of books on attraction out there. You can’t just sit in the side line watching you have to participate in the game.

[Mach40]

Mach tons of books on attraction out there. You can’t just sit in the side line watching you have to participate in the game.

Anyone you can quickly recommend

[LH19]

How to be a 3% man by Corey Wayne.

Definitely should also read No More Mr. Nice Guy.

[kml]

I find it funny most women are attracted to other than nice people. I see it quite often..

Good question. I can't say I particularly went after "bad boys", but it is true that in my younger days, I passed up some super "nice guys". Was it that they weren't exciting enough? Or that confidence is attractive, and they were lacking in that? Or were the pheromones just not right with that particular person?

I am sometimes reminded of one guy who had a crush on me in medical school (before I met my ex-husband). He was a nice guy, kind, smart (since he was in medical school too), decent looking (but with a kind of square, midwestern look to him). Average height, fit enough. I felt no attraction to him other than as a friend. Was it pheromones? Or was I looking for someone more exciting?

Anyway - we are FB friends, he married a nice nurse he met in school. She's not too different from me - had long brown hair like mine, similar build and features - not in a creepy way, just a general type. They have been happily married all these years. He has stayed fit and looks really handsome now compared to other men in our age group. He's retired and takes lovely trips with his wife. That life that I THOUGHT I was going to have with my ex, I might have had with him?

I wonder, if he had been more confident and assertive, would I have been attracted to him? I have no idea. It's not like he was shy, he did ask me out, he did try to pursue me. But I friend zoned him.

Instead later I ended up dating the handsome rock guitarist in the hit local band who asked me out, much to my total surprise. (He was so hip and cool and I most definitely was not the cool girl at the time). That fizzled because he wasn't really pursuing me enough at the time (go figure!) and then I met my ex.

All of this is a little different than the Nice Guy Syndrome. But if you're a nice guy who tends to get friend zoned, I'd say check your confidence and assertiveness. If they're lacking, that might be an issue.

[Dawn70]

While I agree with kml’s assessment that you might want to examine your assertiveness level, I disagree with nice guys lacking confidence. I know several nice guys who have very high confidence levels. Not all women pass nice guys by. Some of us prefer and choose nice guys. While you should certainly examine yourself, think about the type of women you choose. Maybe you are choosing those types who don’t choose nice guys.

[Mach40]

Nice guy syndrome has never been told to me. When I was young, I was very confident going after ladies, never felt rejected when I was, if that makes sense. When I met my ex, I was still pretty much running around. We were friends then, then I started really liking her, stopped going after other ladies and focused on her. Took quite some time, due to being in the Navy, and being deployed allot.
Obviously now, I was very naïve as to our situation. I honestly thought that she was trying to focus on us and herself to get back together. When actually she was just executing her plan to become independent financially career wise, then once that was secure, she started looking for another man. Of course, this was pretty recent within past couple years, one EA and now a OM. Career took a long time, lots of work to be able to afford a house, car, etc after having nothing.
So, Mr naïve I was, I was helping her and my daughters out, as I was the Husband. I was blind to it all, in laws kind of new, SIL/BIL new she wasnt focusing on getting back.
So yes, I was Nice Guy..
Please dont think she is an evil woman, she has allot of reasons to do what she did. For her, the kids, grands etc.. She sacrificed, and I failed to see what was going on.
I am up to speed now, slowly getting out, doing things, updating house, spending quality time with kids..
Havent bought her anything in a long time, as I have before.. And, according to the oldest, business is not doing well, even though she is the #1 Realtor in the company in this area, real estate is not doing well. She is even talking of selling home and renting.. Still, she hasnt said anything to me, as she is too proud.
And I digress.. I am pretty good at striking up conversations with ladies, I just havent had to for relationships in a long time. And when I am ready, I will be ready. Church next week, and soup kitchen for thanksgiving.. Love helping others.

[LH19]

Nice guy syndrome has never been told to me.

Well you have been on the board for 3 years and it's in hundreds of threads so you have definitely seen the term and it should have set bells off. No one is going to save you Mach you need to save yourself.

When I was young, I was very confident going after ladies, never felt rejected when I was, if that makes sense.

It does make sense and you need the same attitude this time around.

Obviously now, I was very naïve as to our situation. I honestly thought that she was trying to focus on us and herself to get back together.

What made you think that when you were separated for 3 years? Like Mach1 always says WAWs will rarely go back to the same situation. What would have changed?

When actually she was just executing her plan to become independent financially career wise, then once that was secure, she started looking for another man.

Hypergamy at it's best.

Of course, this was pretty recent within past couple years, one EA and now a OM.

So Mach when you are divorced it's a BF not an OM.

Career took a long time, lots of work to be able to afford a house, car, etc after having nothing.

So you took her and her two kids in and provided a family and financial stability for her until she could make it on her own?

So, Mr. naïve I was, I was helping her and my daughters out, as I was the Husband.

When you separate you separate. You can't nice her back. You have been trying for 3 years. It didn't and will NEVER work.

I was blind to it all, in laws kind of new, SIL/BIL new she wasn't focusing on getting back.

I read once if a separation goes longer than 6 months 90% of the time it ends up in a D.

So yes, I was Nice Guy..

Again, I don't think you quite understand the term "Nice Guy".

Please don't think she is an evil woman, she has a lot of reasons to do what she did.

So the way I see it is you checked out and became very complacent, had nothing else going on in your life and battled with your step daughter.

For her, the kids, grands etc.. She sacrificed, and I failed to see what was going on.

What did she sacrifice?

I am up to speed now, slowly getting out, doing things, updating house, spending quality time with kids..

Better late than never.

Haven't bought her anything in a long time, as I have before..

NGS. Trying to buy her love. Good for you realizing that won't work.

And, according to the oldest, business is not doing well, even though she is the #1 Realtor in the company in this area, real estate is not doing well. She is even talking of selling home and renting..

Or don't be shocked if she moves in with BF. She may like being rescued.

Still, she hasn't said anything to me, as she is too proud.

Why would she you are not her husband anymore?

And I digress.. I am pretty good at striking up conversations with ladies, I just haven't had to for relationships in a long time. And when I am ready, I will be ready.

Great!

Church next week, and soup kitchen for thanksgiving.. Love helping others.

Mach church and soup kitchens are good but you really should start to expand your GAL.

[BL42]

Mach40,

and the question came up, should I get her Momma something, card etc for Christmas..

You wrote this in a passive voice, i.e. "the question came up", but who raised the question...you? her?

Well, oldest said her Momma did get me a gift card, but since she was sick for my B Day dinner, my oldest put the gift card in her card from her and my grand baby. Didnt tell me till today. Made me feel bad for that. Wasnt my fault, it was my daughters for not informing me..

You should spend some time exploring why you feel bad. This woman divorced you and is dating another man. And you feel bad for not saying thank you for a gift card you didn't know about?

Thoughts on what I should do, reach out and give her a thank you for the gift card.

Nothing. It's over. Let it be.

And, since she did get me something for my B Day, should I retro something to her?

No!

I am sure most will say, just let it go.

Yep. You know our advice

I get it, but after 32 years, some things always mean something regardless of how we feel about each other.

Mach you're officially divorced and have been separated many years. Your time is better spent on you rather than giving her headspace about a gift card.

[Mach40]

What made you think that when you were separated for 3 years? Like Mach1 always says WAWs will rarely go back to the same situation. What would have changed?

When actually she was just executing her plan to become independent financially career wise, then once that was secure, she started looking for another man.

Hypergamy at it's best.

Of course, this was pretty recent within past couple years, one EA and now a OM.

So Mach when you are divorced it's a BF not an OM.

Career took a long time, lots of work to be able to afford a house, car, etc after having nothing.

So you took her and her two kids in and provided a family and financial stability for her until she could make it on her own?

So, Mr. naïve I was, I was helping her and my daughters out, as I was the Husband.

When you separate you separate. You can't nice her back. You have been trying for 3 years. It didn't and will NEVER work.

I was blind to it all, in laws kind of new, SIL/BIL new she wasn't focusing on getting back.

I read once if a separation goes longer than 6 months 90% of the time it ends up in a D.

So yes, I was Nice Guy..

Again, I don't think you quite understand the term "Nice Guy".

Please don't think she is an evil woman, she has a lot of reasons to do what she did.

So the way I see it is you checked out and became very complacent, had nothing else going on in your life and battled with your step daughter.

For her, the kids, grands etc.. She sacrificed, and I failed to see what was going on.

What did she sacrifice?

I am up to speed now, slowly getting out, doing things, updating house, spending quality time with kids..

Better late than never.

Haven't bought her anything in a long time, as I have before..

NGS. Trying to buy her love. Good for you realizing that won't work.

And, according to the oldest, business is not doing well, even though she is the #1 Realtor in the company in this area, real estate is not doing well. She is even talking of selling home and renting..

Or don't be shocked if she moves in with BF. She may like being rescued.

Still, she hasn't said anything to me, as she is too proud.

Why would she you are not her husband anymore?

And I digress.. I am pretty good at striking up conversations with ladies, I just haven't had to for relationships in a long time. And when I am ready, I will be ready.

Great!

Church next week, and soup kitchen for thanksgiving.. Love helping others.

Mach church and soup kitchens are good but you really should start to expand your GAL.

Okay, I will try to answer the quotes here.
After 3 years, I honestly thought things would change. Sorry for being honest. I had no clue to what was going on. Zero. I was very much under the impression she was going to work on herself to come back. Yep Naïve.
Hypergamy, yep. So be it, if that is what she mentally thinks is important to her future, than its his choice to accept that too.. It natural to find/look for a superior protector in life, all animals do it. Being sarcastic, but, it is what it is.
Yes he is BF, sorry about that acronym I used.
I didnt take her kids in while she did all this. Youngest went with her, oldest was with me till she moved out with her BF.. Oldest is with her now, for 3 years and youngest has her own place for a year now. She couldnt stand living with oldest and the kids, too much chaos as she put it.
I did nothing financial for the youngest other than car insurance and health insurance, which is nothing via TRICARE.
I did nothing financial for the oldest either except car insurance.
I have a pretty good idea of what nice guy is. I am a nice guy, always helping people out, rescuing them as stated here. She needs rescuing and that is probably why I married her to begin with subconsciously.
The battles with my oldest were over many years ago, about 7. Now, she and I get along very well.
Maybe because she knows I am a good grandparent to her child and she finally gets it, or she is using me? I dont care, as I love my grand baby, and she will be taken care of as her Dad is a POS.
If ex moves in with BF, which I doubt, it would be a show of weakness.. I say that because this woman is ultra head strong and a workaholic. I dont see her giving up all she is working for to have a man take care of her. She has spoken this quite a bit.. Maybe its just all show. It doesnt matter.
The only issue would be, where would my oldest daughter go, as she is a non worker and living with her Momma. She wont come here..
Soup kitchen and Church are a start.. The Church is a different Church, with allot of counseling, group sessions and community service... I think it will get me out and busy... I need social interaction, and I now know it..