Focusing on you, GAL, etc, are all tools to help you work towards detachment; as well as many other positive goals.
Detaching is the single most best thing you can do for your situation. To that end, I find it helps to understand what emotional detachment/attachment is.
In these situations, the LBS is uncontrollably dragged round by their feelings. Feelings that are uncontrollable triggered by their spouse’s words, actions, behaviours, etc. It is the uncontrollable aspect that makes it attachment and it hurt so very much.
Detachment is not being dragged around by whatever your spouse does or says. Think of this like a car you are tied to. Let go, or be dragged.
Detachment is not the ceasing of your emotions, that is indifference and comes after detachment. With detachment you will still feel hurt, sad, angry, and such; just not uncontrollably. You are able to shore up your emotions, and let them out at more convenient times. By the way, that is a very important part, scheduling say five or ten minutes to have a good cry when you wake up, then get up, shower, and go about your day. Most likely need to have a few schedule times in a day for a while until you can whittle those down to one and eventually none.
You control you. Your thoughts, actions, and reactions. That’s it. And with those three, you exert influence over everything else. As was said, right now this is a battle between intellect and emotions. You cannot direct control your emotions, only influence them. So you control thoughts and actions.
This is basically rationalizing the triggers of those emotions. For example, feelings of dread from perhaps having to lead a single life. Whenever you think about being single, or some actions from W brings that to the fore, you are triggered to feel dread. You have a tied between dread and being single. Rationalizing this tie, uncouples the feeling from the initiating thought or action.
There are a few ways to rewire, well more accurately unwire, triggers. Continuing our example, purposefully think about being single while doing an enjoyable activity. Say you’re out for a nice stroll or run. Out in the sunshine and just enjoying it. Thinking about being single then will have less “dragging” power, and you start to tie the current enjoyment feeling to being single. This will counteract and dissuade the feelings of dread.
Another tactic is to explore the possible future event (being single) when fully engaged intellectually. Seeing how it is not all doom and gloom. Seeing some of the benefits of the single life. This limits emotional response and really works to sever that tie to the the trigger.
The emotional journey takes time. Time is your best friend and best ally during all this. (I know it doesn’t feel like it right now.)
Feelings are fleeting. They initiate quickly and extinguish quickly. Unless they are reinforced.
Lots of times our emotions get caught up in a feedback loop. Pretty well known one is fight or flight. You know, a tiger attacks, and we gain an uncontrolled boost to fight or flee. An evolutionary life saving adaption. BD is a huge emotional stressor and one’s fight or flight mechanism kicks right into high gear. And stays there. So much adrenaline for so long; loosing weight; lack of sleep. Problem is, the “tiger” hasn’t been around for weeks/months; yet we are still stuck in that mechanism. Struggling.
One cannot detach when they are tightly hanging on.
Learning how to let go take time too. Ah time, that four letter word.
For your information, and some encouragement, I was utterly destroyed for two months after my W left. Man, it was horrible. Detachment came around three months in. I awoke from a horrible hellfire nightmare of W’s eternal damnation. Right then, at 2:00 am, in complete darkness, I got out of bed, fell to my knees, and gave her to God. I cannot control her. I cannot fix her. (And who am I to say she needs fixing.)
That night was miraculous. In a most human hubris I prayed and begged God to forgive my wife. Imagine that. Me, a wee mortal begging the almighty to forgive her. And in that, I realized I had.
Much awoke that night. Let go or be dragged. Be better not bitter. Compassion and understanding. No manipulation of her path. And so on. One of the pivotal moments of my journey. That was the last bad night sleep I had.
Stay strong. You were forced upon a path not of your choice. And you’re doing fine.
D
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
...I can also move the rest of her stuff downstairs
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Yes. Move it. Do not let your anger control you. Do it respectfully like you would for a friend. (IE don't throw it in a big pile etc).
Originally Posted by BL42
If you're going to pack up her stuff and move it, I'd consider doing it at a time related to her infidelity for the most impact.
For example, last night while she was sleeping over at OM's house to take him to the airport in the early morning would've been the perfect time. Her going off to do that only to walk back into your house and see her stuff all packed up. If she already returned - and let us know how that went - then maybe another time such as one of her Saturday out all night "sleeping over at a friend's place" routines.
Others here might say you should do it for you and you alone, and not at all for her reaction - and I get that - but always thought the immediacy of the action/consequence might matter. E.g., training a pet not to mess in the house...you can't tell them "no!" the next day, you've got to catch them right away.
I've often wished I'd packed up my wife's stuff in a box and left it on the back porch while she was "working late" with OM1 and have her come back late night while the kids and I were already asleep with the doors locked and a note that said "I know what you're doing. Here are your things. Go stay at your mother's house" while after me and the kids. I honestly don't think it would've changed the end result of the marriage/D, but it sure would've made me feel a whole lot stronger a whole lot sooner, and perhaps helped speed up my journey.
Although perhaps I'm projecting my fantasy onto your sitch, so others can feel free to disagree. Just a thought.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
The only real help you need to make it clear, solid, boundaries and being hard-core about what you want and need. People respond to that. Being an emotional chameleon, "trying" to be detached doesn't work. Set boundaries, set ultimatums. This is hard, but, it helps avoid all the back and forth. Does she want to be married to you or not? Thus far she said she wants a separation or a divorce. Act on that. If you want something else, state it. You can say, "If you want to work on this marriage, fine, if you don't, I have some decisions to make in the next few weeks." Strength and clarity are attractive.
The longer this drags on, the weaker your position becomes. You will compromise, make yourself smaller, meet her needs and then she'll walk all over you. Don't wait for her to act. Time to take control back.
Originally Posted by LH19
In my experience, unless you are a complete jerk, changing yourself, becoming your "best" self, doing 180's don't really last. Eventually you will revert to who you basically are. I've seen it on these boards before - intense personal change that lasts for 12, 18 or 24 mos and then you slip back. Sorry to say this, but it's inevitable. The divorce gets busted and then, 2 yrs later they are back on the boards and the marriage is toast. Personal change is super hard. If you're wife doesn't like who you are, might as well end it sooner than later. Again, if you're a real jerk and need serious help, get it. If you're just a normal guy, you aren't going to turn into superman. You can't save this marriage alone. Two people need to compromise and work at it. You will hear in the forums that 180's and being solution oriented are really just emergency measures to get their attention. GAL is for your own sanity. The real hard work of repairing a marriage is 50/50 and In the end, she has to want the marriage as much as you do.
Originally Posted by Mach1
IMO...That is because the changes are made with the sole intention of just getting their marriage back.
All of that needs to be done with the intent of doing it ONLY for yourself. Because YOU don't like those things about you.
You cannot be authentic, with someone else's playbook.
Real change takes courage in the face of adversity, and you have to be willing to make the changes based on just purely being your authentic self. No lies, No BS...just who you are at your core.
Change only for her or the marriage ?
Yea, better save your password for here.
While I like your list above, they are all things that only becoming your true self can change.
A lot of those guys up there LH, came here and made a half a$$ attempt at DBing just so that they could relieve their guilt over their crappy behavioral patterns.
"Well, I did the DB thing and it didn't work out, so now I can revert back to being a controlling, insensitive, manipulative asshat, and this doesn't work at all"
DBing , done right, can change a person to their core, and realize the potential within...
Regardless the outcome of the marriage...
We all arrived here with a certain set of tools in our toolbox, and we did the best we could with the tools that we had to work with. DBing is about upgrading our tools, so that we don't make the same mistakes again. While you don't need a $500 drill to build a birdhouse, you certainly can't drill through concrete with a screwdriver. Try them all out, and see what works for you...
You have the time, use it to take inventory, and see if you can build for your future.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
You have typed in Divorce Advice or I love you but Im not in love with you anymore into whatever search engine you use, and you found this place.
When you first find yourself reading this board there is a certain desperate craziness and wild hope. And you read and you search and search for the elusive �success�* stories and in many cases you lurk, you read, you discover a few posters you identify with and follow their story or advice. You figure out the lay of the land and how to navigate around here.
You post. You story sounds similar to countless others, and I am not making light of it, it is a sad thing that it does sound similar.
And deep inside a part of you thinks you are different than countless others.
In truth you are a unique snowflake, but in the heat of a mid-life crisis, you are similar to all the other water molecules.
There are immediate problems the new comer here in MLC should realize and damn quick:
There is NO Quick Fix to this.
You CANNOT fix this.
The �success�* stories, do not have anything more than you do or are capable of doing. They just know the DBing rules better than you�and they had patience and luck.
Your tactics are tactics, your tricks are tricks.
YOU ARE part of the problem.
You can only control yourself.
DO NOT involve your children.
YOU CAN DO THIS.
Those things you need to accept as quickly as possible.
Things you shouldn�t do but are going to do anyway: Do not snoop.
Do not tell them I love you.
Do not talk about your relationship.
Do not confront the OP (Other Person).
The �success�* stories you have discovered have several things in common.
They are:
Patience. They outlasted their spouse�s MLC.
Support. They told family and friends, to back off about their divorce advice.
Their spouse had an MLC. Sounds strange to list but it is a common factor.
They worked on THEMSELVES. They looked in the mirror and changed their crappy, whinny, entitled behavior. They saw what was weak and broken in themselves and fixed it. AND they used the time their spouse was in their MLC to do this. They made REAL changes and became better. They knew that they helped the downfall of their marriage.
They FORGAVE. Despite the hurt and pain, they forgave their spouse. And make no mistake, this is not as easy as you think it is.
Here in MLC, there is no guarantee. Some of the best advice comes from those you would not define as a �success�* in your narrow view point. You want only the �successful�* advice, and� there is going to be little difference except in your mind, about the advice.
I made it through here. I came through the hell-fire of my wife�s MLC, not because of the advice from on high, although Snodderly�s words of encouragement helped. (Thank you Snodderly) I made it through because of the support and advice from the people who were right in the same time frame as I was. Right NEXT to me. Liss, and BrandNewDay, and Jeanette and Valentine, and Smurf, and WAS, RedUmbrella. Each one of alone in our hell but right there for each other, egging us on. Worrying about each other.
I grew because we all were helping each other and learning how to DB�not having some one spoon feed us and burping us on advice.
I wonder, if us �old wise� ones aren�t hurting you guys. By doing just that.
Birds won�t fly unless they are pushed out of the nest.
* �success� � The idea that a person is only successful because their spouse came back is ludicrous and narrow minded. Your spouse can come back at anytime, but until YOU make changes in yourself and FOR yourself, you have failed. The REAL success are the people who came here broken, and fixed themselves, became better people, no matter if their spouse came back. And in THOSE cases, those who better themselves�their marriage is better for it. But that is not important�THEY are better for it.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
It is with a heavy heart that I pass along this information. This morning at around 3am. Our friend Jack 3 Beans (for those of you who did not know him well) passed away. This world....will never be the same again. The world has really lost one of the good guys.
I am using the words above of EricmSant as I am really at a loss of what to say.
RIP dear friend the DB world will mourn your loss. It was a pleasure meeting you and an honor to call you my friend.
What you say and do, and what you don’t, matters. Always. It matters to, and for, you!
I think what you meant by nothing will matter, is that nothing will change with her. (Be accurate with your wording. Your mind is listening, and crafting your reality.)
Consequences are interesting. Consequences are not you doling out punishment. They arise from actions taken from boundary violations. They are not to, and cannot be used to, control her or change her. You only control you. She controls herself. However, you can influence.
Boundaries are a tool for someone to protect themselves from very hurtful behaviour. They are for your emotional/mental health and not a modification/punishment mechanism. When one is calm and not within the hurtful situation, they craft their boundary. And decide what they will do to enforce it. “What they will do” - the actions they will take; not what the other person is to do (that is trying to control).
Usually, a boundary would/should be clearly stated as a going forward from this point type a thing. Boundaries are not to be made lightly. And expect your boundaries and resolve to be tested.
Disrespectful behaviour is definitely boundary worthy. Added benefit, it clearly illustrates when disrespect happens. Most folks will alter their behaviour when they realize they are doing it. (The influence part.) Of course, some won’t.
People will treat you as you allow them to.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
MLC/WAS is about control... ^^^^ they kinda nailed it up there....
Since I'm about the theory of WAS/MLC... I want you to see the 'why' of DBing...
The more in control that you allow them to be, the more that they will take....
The more in control that YOU are, the more that they will spew and attempt to push buttons on you so that you can be the person that they want to leave.
You being happy, and taking back your life is NOT the person that she has described to her friends and anyone willing to listen to her BS.
IF you respond to her pushing your buttons, and you anger, and sulk...
You are essentially becoming the person that she has painted you to be. And you justify her reasons to leave the marriage...
Remove those buttons, and there will be worse days ahead like this. Yet fear not, every time something like this happens, it means you are doing a better job DBing....
It's kind of like a child throwing a tantrum because you wouldn't buy them candy.....you wouldn't give in because they aren't getting their way...
Same principal here....
I've often used an analogy of the Space Shuttle....
The booster tanks that hold fuel during take-off, because of the amount burned during that process. And once the Shuttle is in it's flight pattern, they will fall away....
Same thing now. Her anger is the booster tanks. She has anger to fuel her "takeoff", and she plans to use it to lift off away from you. She will use it to paint you as this incredible monster that stole her life away from her. It's HER truth, not necessarily yours....yet it is extremely important to validate her feelings, even if it's not your truth.
However, once you establish your flight path, you will slowly see the anger fall away.
She is going to try every trick in the book too, to spin you out .....
Remove those buttons (typically it involves the kiddos)....
Recognize it for what it is, while you are in the moment, and you will fare better than worse....
Pretty sure you've seen her flip the 'bithc switch" already. Going from rational to childlike in a split second....
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
As you're hearing her blame you for all her unhappiness and everything wrong in her life, it's vitally important you remember...
1) People's bad actions towards you are a reflection of their character, not yours.
2) Often times the WS's journey is so much more about them than the LBS.
Your W is likely dealing with deep seeded issues you could not possibly be responsible for. Please keep that in mind when she lies and gaslights you. Certainly reflect on the areas you need to improve as an individual and a partner, but also don't buy into the narrative she's trying to convince you of and shoulder all the blame.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Wait until next time she sees OM. Move all her stuff downstairs. Send her a text - “I want to make this marriage work, but you don’t. I respect your choices. I would prefer you find somewhere else to live. My lawyer will be in touch.” And no discussions. Don’t answer her call, her text, don’t talk to her. You engage, you lose.
Originally Posted by DW17
.... Her drinking friend came over for a minute and they went to their weekly bar trip. She said she might be back later but might not. After I put D4 to bed, it was a good opportunity for some bedroom redecorating. Moved her stuff downstairs...
Originally Posted by ”BL42”
So DW17...what was her reaction, if any, to the bedroom reorganization? Any fallout or did she just accept it?
Originally Posted by DW17
She was pissed initially. She said not to touch her stuff, called me controlling, said I was emotionally abusive, etc. She only asked one direct question, “Why did you move my stuff.” I responded “You know why and I’ll leave it at that.” She asked again and I responded the same and then left the room. She hasn’t questioned the why since. She has said a few times, including this morning how petty it was. I did not react/respond to her words.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
For a W to recommit to marriage first she has to respect you as a man and as a person. That means you do not act out of fear of her. Because if you do, she will start using the fear against you. Womens sense these things and you will not be able to outbluff her. And you have to get rid of the fear what she might or might not do.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Too much guilt, too much needy, to much looking to her, for your answers....
Maybe something like....
I've decided that I will longer allow myself to live in an open marriage. I feel that for now, our current living situation isn't working for anyone in this house except for you, and it would be best that you find another place to live that could possibly better suit your needs.
Starting today, I will be doing household duties for the week, and until you have a firm move out date, then we will rotate these duties until the time comes that we have a legal agreement in place for the future. I have started a google calendar that will show coverage for each of us so that we can provide constant care for our children. Please use it for their benefit. (link to calendar).
I have also decided that the only communication that I will be entertaining with you is kids and bills. Please keep your emails and texts exclusively to those particular areas only. Anything other than that will be discarded and deleted.
Additionally, please refrain from anything that would resemble Parent Alienation in front of our children. not only is it illegal, it is very discerning to our children to hear that you find humor in the destruction of their family unit.
Thank you for your cooperation in this.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
