Well not much of an update from yesterday. IC went well. He also advised me to speak with an L asap. We talked about my concerns/fears with divorce. He recommended that I be the one to file unless I fear being the one to officially terminate the marriage. He thinks the court would be more likely to lean toward the recommendations of the filer. I'm not sure that makes sense but I will talk with L about it. I don't really care about being the one to file for D, but I'd rather let things play out while being prepared for anything.
I was expecting a crazy night when I got home from IC, but nothing happened. W didn’t mention anything about the D papers, the computer, or me going to IC with her. She tried starting dinner as I got back from IC, but I told her it was my week per our agreement. She said that’s dumb but whatever, and left me to it. While I made dinner she started cleaning, which is abnormal for her these days. She was trying to have fun with D4, dancing, singing, was going to give her a bath/paint her nails etc. She lasted halfway through dinner before going downstairs. I bathed D4, tried my best to paint her nails, read her a book and put her to bed.
This morning W said she's been trying to stay away from me by hiding downstairs but knows she needs to be a parent again. She was also venting about D18 being rude to her and not helping around the house. I just listened and tried to STFU, other than validating a few of the things she said about D18. Maybe she realized or was told she needs to get her sh!t together to avoid her 6 month parenting absence from being used against her in a custody situation. I’ll just focus on my time with D4.
I’m trying to commit to not doing anything stupid this week and learning from my missteps. I’m scheduling an appt with L, visiting my sister tonight, movie this weekend with D18 and trying to fit some time with friends in there. I’ve got all day with D4 on Friday so I’ll plan a fun day. I’ll keep running this week to prep for my Thanksgiving run and keep reading. I’m reading a book that was recommended to me called “This is how your marriage ends.” Another interesting read so far. The info is 20 years too late, but it will help me in the future.
Thanks again for the advice yesterday. I am documenting my time with D4, but I did skip a few weeks. The L’s that I spoke with previously said it wouldn’t have any bearing, but I’ll keep doing it anyway. It’s helpful for me to write things down. It was a crazy couple of days, but I made it through with my emotions mostly intact. Hopefully the rest of the week goes well for me.
R2C, yes in her email reply she said she'd "respect my wishes on setting boundaries, making dinner and finances." She just said she wasn't leaving the house. I took her response as accepting what I proposed, so we'll see.
I was expecting a crazy night when I got home from IC, but nothing happened.
Do work to keep your expectations dialled down. Unmet positive expectations lead to resentment. And negative expectations, even those that do not come about, cause stress and worry.
Expectations color one’s world. Folks unwittingly behave differently when expecting something negative or resentful which causes/influences a self fulfilling prophecy type scenario.
Instead of expectations, what about hope, or act as if, or the affect of your positive influence. Could you hope to come home to a calm household? I suspect how you’d enter through the doorway would be different when not expecting crazy.
Do plan for the worst, hope for better, and deal with what is before you.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
LH19 that's what was weird about her response. I didn't really set any boundaries, but she’s used that word at various times and I’m not sure what exactly she is referring to. I don’t think she does either.
As mentioned by a few of you guys, my "boundary" of not living with someone involved with another person was not a true boundary because the "action" part was me telling her to leave instead of an action I would take. So she predictably just replied that she wasn't leaving.
The only actual boundary mentioned was that I would only communicate about the kids or finances. My action is that I will not answer a phone call and will only respond to a text if it is about one of those things. My email was worded poorly, but this is a boundary that I communicated with W previously, just without the action part. The way I worded it makes it sound like it was her boundary, but I was referring to her telling me to stay away from her when she was angry a few days ago.
As far as the dinner/groceries, wasn’t really intended to be a boundary. It was just me telling her that I want to share the responsibilities.
Unfortunately the word boundary has been used incorrectly by myself and W, which is probably causing some confusion for both of us as well as you guys. At the end of her email, W said she’ll email me more about boundaries after IC tomorrow. She’s been using the term incorrectly the same way I had been using it, basically as a set of rules we agree to. i.e. her thinking that living together and moving on with our lives with other people was a boundary that I set early on when I really just told her I was not in control of her choices. A firm correct boundary here would have been nice in hindsight.
I know it’s not my job to educate her on what I’m learning about boundaries, but I do need to make sure if I mention them at all that they are true boundaries with actions that I will take if they are violated.
DnJ, I appreciate that insight. I do feel it affected my mood at first. Not really in a negative way, but it prevented me from being as positive as I try to be each day. Basically, I was stuck in neutral for about an hour while making dinner until I realized everything was fine. But I agree, coming in the door with positivity, without overdoing it, is a lot better than worrying about things that may or may not happen.
LH19 that's what was weird about her response. I didn't really set any boundaries, but she’s used that word at various times and I’m not sure what exactly she is referring to. I don’t think she does either.
That’s what I’m trying to say! It’s just another contemporary buzz term. Like triggered or micro-aggression, or self care and all the other nonsense. She’s just throwing out terms that she likely heard but can’t define because the definitions are often nebulous.
Boundaries really do only hold back cattle. The rest of us go under, over, around or through the “boundary” unless there is a consequence in place.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
