Thanks Rockon, I've been following your situation as well and I wish you the best. I'm learning as I go and things seem much harder to actually do than they are to talk about doing here. Keep moving forward!
Just got this text from W. Not sure what to think of it, but I'll post it here.
"I've been thinking a lot and I will no longer let you control me or take anymore of my happiness from me. I have done nothing wrong and I am not disrespectful to you and have done nothing but put you before myself always. I think it is pathetic u tried to kick me out of the house and it really shows the man that you are after trapping me for so long. I am going to be seeing a new therapist because I need to hear it is ok for me to choose me without thinking of you all the time."
When I was looking for a MC, who turned into my IC after one session, I was waitlisted by a few places. I've been calling them every few weeks and they were all still booked, but one finally got back to W.
My initial reaction is that it’s nonsense and I shouldn’t think twice about it. Is there any value in me trying to understand what she is attempting to say here or should I just flush it?
Just got this text from W. Not sure what to think of it, but I'll post it here.
"I've been thinking a lot and I will no longer let you control me or take anymore of my happiness from me. I have done nothing wrong and I am not disrespectful to you and have done nothing but put you before myself always. I think it is pathetic u tried to kick me out of the house and it really shows the man that you are after trapping me for so long. I am going to be seeing a new therapist because I need to hear it is ok for me to choose me without thinking of you all the time."
When I was looking for a MC, who turned into my IC after one session, I was waitlisted by a few places. I've been calling them every few weeks and they were all still booked, but one finally got back to W.
My initial reaction is that it’s nonsense and I shouldn’t think twice about it. Is there any value in me trying to understand what she is attempting to say here or should I just flush it?
DW it is important for you learn from your mistakes so you don't bring them into your next relationship. Any truth to any of these statements? Dig down. Most likely she is just trying to get a rise out of you so you lash out and she says "see that's why I can't be with you". BTW I really do not like your W.
In my marriage I was passive aggressive. (didn't even know what it was at the time) If I didn't like what she did I would make back handed comments or the silent treatment to let her know. Now with woman I date I just tell them. What you just said or did does not work for me. We discuss it and than usually there is a resolution. No mindreading. No guessing.
I have been guilty of being passive aggressive in the past as well. I do not believe I have done it recently, but I can see how ignoring her would feel that way. I just knew I wasn’t ready to speak yet. Too much confliction going on in my head at the time. Her frustration with me going from responding to her to not responding when I’m in my thoughts is understandable. I just know that when my thoughts are not clear, I say things I don’t want to say. She hates not getting immediate answers and has always complained about my poor communication, especially recently.
As far as truths to what she said, she has said she felt trapped mainly due to financial reasons. She blames me for her not having a better job/career because she "always had to work around my work schedule." I've been at the same place of employment for almost 20 years and had the same job for 12. I've had the option to travel with my job, but have never been forced to. I work a lot of overtime, but it's 90% voluntarily. And I have the option to work at night. So while my job trapping her may be her reality, it isn't true. She chose a job doing something she loves knowing it pays very little and has avoided opportunities in similar fields for more money.
She frequently mentions that she puts me first, but her only example recently is that she didn't leave right after we got back home from me working out of state. She said she was mentally ready to leave and had housing options but stayed because I begged her. This is true, I cried and begged for several days at first. This was the beginning of my journey and months to years into hers. And I have expressed to her for months now that she is free to make her own choices and I do not control her actions. She has not asked me how I feel about anything and I don’t expect her to. So I’m not entirely sure what she means when she is saying she is putting me first. If she wants to leave, she’s free to go and she knows it. I think she just wants me to do the legwork of selling the house and filing for D.
Now with woman I date I just tell them. What you just said or did does not work for me. We discuss it and than usually there is a resolution. No mindreading. No guessing.
Just continued with a book I'm reading and here's part of the very first page.
"Many codependents have poor communication skills. We carefully choose our words to manipulate, people please, control, cover up and alleviate guilt. Our communication reeks of repressed feelings, repressed thoughts, ulterior motives, low self-worth, and shame. We laugh when we want to cry, we say we're fine when we're not. We allow ourselves to be bullied and buried. We sometimes react inappropriately. We justify, rationalize, compensate, and take others all around the block. We are nonassertive. We badger and threaten, then back down. Sometimes we lie. Frequently, we are hostile. We apologize a lot, and hint at what we want and need. We are indirect. We don't say what we mean, we don't mean what we say. We don't do it on purpose. We do it because we've learned to communicate this way. At some point in our childhood we learned it was wrong to talk about problems, express feelings, and express opinions. We’ve learned it was wrong to directly state what we want and need. It was certainly wrong to say no, and stand up for ourselves.”
I think I’m gonna learn a thing or two from this chapter.
Just got this text from W. Not sure what to think of it, but I'll post it here.
"I've been thinking a lot and I will no longer let you control me or take anymore of my happiness from me. I have done nothing wrong and I am not disrespectful to you and have done nothing but put you before myself always. I think it is pathetic u tried to kick me out of the house and it really shows the man that you are after trapping me for so long. I am going to be seeing a new therapist because I need to hear it is ok for me to choose me without thinking of you all the time."
Best choice : No direct questions from her. No answer.
This is how I would personally respond if I received this, but I would not respond right away: "Thanks for sharing. I understand that you feel trapped. That is why last night I said you are free to leave. I will not stand in your way. We both deserve to be happy."
Originally Posted by DW17
My initial reaction is that it’s nonsense and I shouldn’t think twice about it. Is there any value in me trying to understand what she is attempting to say here or should I just flush it?
They all feel trapped. They all blame their spouse for their unhappiness. They all take no blame for their role in this. They invalidate your feelings. Blame shifting. They all try to get arguments started.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
… I have done nothing wrong and I am not disrespectful to you…
Hmmm, I thought she was having an affair.
Originally Posted by DW17
My initial reaction is that it’s nonsense and I shouldn’t think twice about it. Is there any value in me trying to understand what she is attempting to say here or should I just flush it?
Here’s the thing, she might actually believe what she is saying. Folks can justify pretty much anything to themselves. And said justification, turns their view into their truth; even if it smacks against reality. (They’ll just ignore any “reality” that gets in the way.)
Originally Posted by DW17
I do worry that nothing I said last night will matter. That was the problem with the conversation, I didn’t have proper consequences for any of the things I was trying to do.
What you say and do, and what you don’t, matters. Always. It matters to, and for, you!
I think what you meant by nothing will matter, is that nothing will change with her. (Be accurate with your wording. Your mind is listening, and crafting your reality.)
Consequences are interesting. Consequences are not you doling out punishment. They arise from actions taken from boundary violations. They are not to, and cannot be used to, control her or change her. You only control you. She controls herself. However, you can influence.
Boundaries are a tool for someone to protect themselves from very hurtful behaviour. They are for your emotional/mental health and not a modification/punishment mechanism. When one is calm and not within the hurtful situation, they craft their boundary. And decide what they will do to enforce it. “What they will do” - the actions they will take; not what the other person is to do (that is trying to control).
Usually, a boundary would/should be clearly stated as a going forward from this point type a thing. Boundaries are not to be made lightly. And expect your boundaries and resolve to be tested.
Disrespectful behaviour is definitely boundary worthy. Added benefit, it clearly illustrates when disrespect happens. Most folks will alter their behaviour when they realize they are doing it. (The influence part.) Of course, some won’t.
People will treat you as you allow them to.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
She has always complained about my poor communication, especially recently.
good 180 here.
From my personal notes, I combined several communication styles (McKay/Cloud/Gray/Lieberman etc) into this Message Pattern for better communication:
Originally Posted by R2C
Sense- Observation (When you, I see….I hear…I read…. Thought (I believe….It seams to me… Feelings ANGER (I am frustrated… SADNESS (I am disappointed… FEAR (I am worried… REGRET (I am sorry… LOVE (I appreciate/understand… Need (I want…What I propose ...I require… The response I would like to hear is..... Consequence - My Future Response (If you choose not to….If you continue…
If I apply it to this:
Originally Posted by DW17
"I've been thinking a lot and I will no longer let you control me or take anymore of my happiness from me. I have done nothing wrong and I am not disrespectful to you and have done nothing but put you before myself always. I think it is pathetic u tried to kick me out of the house and it really shows the man that you are after trapping me for so long. I am going to be seeing a new therapist because I need to hear it is ok for me to choose me without thinking of you all the time."
I come up with this:
Thought (It seams to me that there was some misunderstandings last night ANGER (I am frustrated that you do not understand how I feel disrespected. SADNESS (I am disappointed that our marriage has gotten to this point FEAR (I am worried that our interaction will negatively effect D4 REGRET (I am sorry that this did not work out LOVE (I appreciate all that you have done in the past Need (What I proposed is setting a better parenting schedule for D4
then this:
"W, It seams to me that there was some misunderstandings last night. I am disappointed that our marriage has gotten to this point. I appreciate all that you have done in the past. I am sorry that it did not work out. I am worried that our interaction will negatively effect D4, so last night when I proposed setting a better parenting schedule for D4, my goal is to make sure she gets quality time with each of us, without our interactions negatively effecting her."
Then I sit on it for a while....and revise...then make decision if i should send it.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
DnJ, thanks for the boundary advice. I’ve been trying to dig into boundaries more as I know it’s a weakness of mine. Using the word “consequence” wasn’t ideal, but I do understand that it is an action I will take if my boundary is violated. I’m not sure W is aware of any of my boundaries. She knows I won’t ride in a car with her because of her texting and she tested it a few times, unsuccessfully.
R2C, you seem like an expert in the boundary field. I was starting to browse some threads yesterday, but was just getting started. I’ll make that a homework assignment. Continue reading up on boundaries and then think of 3 clear boundaries for myself with clear actions I will take when they are crossed. I like your format for things as it’s how I prefer to work things out myself. If I speak freely, I say things I don’t intend to say. Your pattern will be a helpful tool in my toolbox.
Just got this text from W. Not sure what to think of it, but I'll post it here.
"I've been thinking a lot and I will no longer let you control me or take anymore of my happiness from me. I have done nothing wrong and I am not disrespectful to you and have done nothing but put you before myself always. I think it is pathetic u tried to kick me out of the house and it really shows the man that you are after trapping me for so long. I am going to be seeing a new therapist because I need to hear it is ok for me to choose me without thinking of you all the time."
When I was looking for a MC, who turned into my IC after one session, I was waitlisted by a few places. I've been calling them every few weeks and they were all still booked, but one finally got back to W.
My initial reaction is that it’s nonsense and I shouldn’t think twice about it. Is there any value in me trying to understand what she is attempting to say here or should I just flush it?
Hey D....been reading along.
You've got some good stuff goin on with the advice you've been getting.
Go back when you get a chance and read a post from me on 9-24. It's on your first thread....
She is pushing buttons, trying to see what makes you dance and what doesn't....
