Living with a WAW 2

[BL42]

DW17,

I'm thinking of what actions I CAN take. I can't kick her out legally but I can tell her she needs to leave. If she doesn't leave, I can split house/food/child responsibilities evenly. I can also move the rest of her stuff downstairs. I was told I should sell the house before D. I can begin that process tomorrow.

Start with this

...I can also move the rest of her stuff downstairs

Yes. Move it. Do not let your anger control you. Do it respectfully like you would for a friend. (IE don't throw it in a big pile etc).

If you're going to pack up her stuff and move it, I'd consider doing it at a time related to her infidelity for the most impact.

For example, last night while she was sleeping over at OM's house to take him to the airport in the early morning would've been the perfect time. Her going off to do that only to walk back into your house and see her stuff all packed up. If she already returned - and let us know how that went - then maybe another time such as one of her Saturday out all night "sleeping over at a friend's place" routines.

Others here might say you should do it for you and you alone, and not at all for her reaction - and I get that - but always thought the immediacy of the action/consequence might matter. E.g., training a pet not to mess in the house...you can't tell them "no!" the next day, you've got to catch them right away.

I've often wished I'd packed up my wife's stuff in a box and left it on the back porch while she was "working late" with OM1 and have her come back late night while the kids and I were already asleep with the doors locked and a note that said "I know what you're doing. Here are your things. Go stay at your mother's house" while after me and the kids. I honestly don't think it would've changed the end result of the marriage/D, but it sure would've made me feel a whole lot stronger a whole lot sooner, and perhaps helped speed up my journey.

Although perhaps I'm projecting my fantasy onto your sitch, so others can feel free to disagree. Just a thought.

[Ready2Change]

I've often wished I'd packed up my wife's stuff in a box and left it on the back porch while she was "working late" with OM1 and have her come back late night while the kids and I were already asleep with the doors locked and a note that said "I know what you're doing. Here are your things. Go stay at your mother's house" while after me and the kids. I honestly don't think it would've changed the end result of the marriage/D, but it sure would've made me feel a whole lot stronger a whole lot sooner, and perhaps helped speed up my journey.

This is exactly what my high school buddy did, but he said it in words. But earlier that day, he went over to his father in laws, had a beer, and let him know what the truth was. Guess what FIL said to his daughter when she started spinning all the lies to him.

[Ready2Change]

Yeah I've followed Rockon's thread.

So how can you support him? How can he support you? Huge growth can come from this. Pretty easy to do some emotional validation by posting on each others threads.

[DW17]

If you're going to pack up her stuff and move it, I'd consider doing it at a time related to her infidelity for the most impact.
For example, last night while she was sleeping over at OM's house to take him to the airport in the early morning would've been the perfect time.

I considered this and do think it would be more effective. But I missed the opportunity.

She got home around 5 and I hopped in the shower before she got upstairs. She said something, then went downstairs to her bed and fell asleep, even though she had to be up at 6 for work. I quietly got ready and left for work without saying anything.

I haven't responded to messages yet today other than saying I'll talk to her when I get home, which will be a little late because I have to help a family member. She has pestered me about what I want to talk about and said that if I don't tell her what it's about, then don't bother talking to her.

I have a lot of things I want to say to her, but know I should keep it concise. I know I will stay calm. I’m overthinking what to say, as usual, but I’ll be firm with whichever words I choose.

The doubt creeps in where I question whether I’m wrong. I thought she was at OM’s house and spied on her before and was wrong. Her story checked out. I hate the idea of being wrong again. But I trust my gut. And I trust the advice I’ve been given here.

[BL42]

She has pestered me about what I want to talk about and said that if I don't tell her what it's about, then don't bother talking to her.

Um...What do you want to talk to her about? Because if it's what I'm guessing it is, no one here would recommend it. Remember, action over talk.

I have a lot of things I want to say to her, but know I should keep it concise. I know I will stay calm. I’m overthinking what to say, as usual, but I’ll be firm with whichever words I choose.

You better be careful with this "talk". No one said to talk about moving her stuff; we said do it.

The doubt creeps in where I question whether I’m wrong. I thought she was at OM’s house and spied on her before and was wrong. Her story checked out. I hate the idea of being wrong again. But I trust my gut. And I trust the advice I’ve been given here.

DW17...sorry to say but your gut is right. That doubt in your mind is your fear you'll do something wrong, when in reality you don't have control regardless.

[Ready2Change]

She has pestered me about what I want to talk about and said that if I don't tell her what it's about, then don't bother talking to her.

This is perfect. Don't talk to her. Respect her boundary.

STFU for now. STFU for a while. If she comes to you (Most likely she will), just listen. If she asks you questions, "I am not sure" is a good answer.

As soon as you hear a lie. You walk away. If you must speak, then "I have some important things to do".

[DW17]

Um...What do you want to talk to her about? Because if it's what I'm guessing it is, no one here would recommend it. Remember, action over talk.

Okay, I must really be missing the mark here. I intended to tell her she should find somewhere else to stay and tell her that in the meantime we are splitting all household duties (cooking, taking D4 to/from school, grocery shopping, etc) weekly. Basically live like the other one is not there. And at an appropriate time while she's gone, move her things into her area of the house. I do not intend to say a word about last night/this morning.

If the recommendation is as Ready2Change says and just say nothing, that works as well and I can still move her things.

[Ready2Change]

I intended to tell her she should find somewhere else to stay and tell her that in the meantime we are splitting all household duties (cooking, taking D4 to/from school, grocery shopping, etc) weekly. Basically live like the other one is not there.

Sounds controlling.

What if she says NO.


I statements work better. Boundaries work better.

[Ready2Change]

At some point, I decided not to have any in person conversations with my at time WW. (this was my boundary)

In your case, you can draft out an email:

"W, I believe it is best that we communicate primarily through email. Obviously, we both care about D4. I believe we should come to an agreement about how we split our time caring for her. Do you have any thoughts? Regards, DW17"

Wait one day to send it. Review/revise/ (get input from us if needed) then send it.


Then you send her a text:

"I sent you and Email".



From that point on, you STFU and listen to her. she may communicate to you however she chooses, but you always send emails for important convos. Keep all emotions out of it. Keep it professional about parenting responsibilities.

[DW17]

Thank you for your advice. I'm reading through the boundaries threads again. I felt fully prepared a few hours ago, but now I feel like I'm starting from scratch, but I have time to think it through.

May I ask why you chose to avoid in person conversations?