Living with a WAW 2

[DW17]

Here's a link to the previous thread.

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2937804&page=1

[BL42]

DW17,

W has been spinning the past few days. There's a lot going on and a lot of her problems are her own creation. I've learned that she is in control of her own happiness and has to want to help herself, but it's still strange to me. Sitting back and watching the circus without any added stress for myself is nice, but sometimes I wish someone would help her. Some days I feel like I'm watching a person gasping for air while I just sit there. I think part of that is I haven't been validating as much the past week. I'm not even sure why, but part of me just stopped caring as much. I think a bit of anger and resentment on my part may be the culprit. I'll explore those thoughts and feelings more the next few days.

W likely needs to feel the consequences of her actions if anything is going to change. She's firing you as her husband, so it's not your job to jump in and fix everything. Good for you for stepping back and realizing you're not responsible for all her problems. Remember what I said...she'll likely blame you for everything anyway right now, regardless of what you do (jump in or sit back), so don't stress about that. Maybe with time and space she'll realize you weren't responsible for her unhappiness. But if not, at least you're happy with yours.

Meanwhile, I found out I got the promotion I've been gunning for. After years of not giving it my best effort, I went all out this time and nailed it. W hated that I wasn't more proactive about it in the past. Being put in a position where I had to look into the mirror and figure myself out has been a game changer for me in pretty much every aspect of my life. It is probably the best thing that could have happened to me, despite the craziness that has come along with it.

Awesome, congrats! Gotta be a boost to your ego in the midst of this rough patch at home.

[DW17]

Man, could use a bit of advice. I mentioned a few days ago that W told me she was helping some friends Thursday morning before work. Found out that she's taking her unnamed friend(s) to the airport. She just left here at 10pm to go to the friends house, sleep for a few hours somewhere with a group of people, and then drive them to the airport. She said she will be home by 6am. All I told her was to drive safe because it's late, she will be tired and the weather is bad. She called about 5 minutes after leaving to let me know not to worry and the weather was fine. I said I wasn't trying to parent her, I just wanted her to be safe. She mentioned catching a nap with the group of friends and I asked if I was allowed to ask whose house (yeah, I messed up there). She said no because I don't tell her who I'm hanging out with either.

I have conflicting thoughts on this situation. I'm 99% sure she's at OM's house. I am also 99% sure she is actually driving to the airport based on several things. Sleeping at his house, whether with just him or with other people, even just for a few hours is not acceptable. I feel like I need to take some kind of action to stand up for myself and show I'm not okay with it. I'm not sure what though. Do I tell her that if she thinks it's acceptable to sleep at another man's house, regardless of the circumstance, then she should leave? Do I just ignore it completely and try and have the best day ever tomorrow? Do I take all of her stuff out of my room and throw it on her bed downstairs? Nothing sounds like the right answer.

I might find more clarity tomorrow after sleeping on it. I don't want to do something stupid that I'll regret. And I'm sorry if I've already been given the answer. I don't want to be Mr. Nice Guy and I have boundaries. Sleeping at his house crosses one and I don't care what excuse is given. But what action to take, if any, is where I'm lost at this moment.

[LH19]

Ah the old drive safe to oms house to show concern bit. Never works DM.

So I don’t know if you read Rockons thread but both you guys are on the same boat. Both wives are cheating. Both of you want it to stop. Both of you claim you have boundaries. Both of you are afraid to implement any kind of consequences that may affect a WW.

The truth is that when you say you’re afraid you’ll do something you regret. You will regret you did nothing years from now.

This is hard. The hardest thing you most likely will ever go through. You will get through it one way or another. It’s up to you how much pain and suffering you want to endure on this journey.

[BL42]

DW17,

You need to get strong, man up, and stop passively sitting by and accepting this ridiculous behavior from your W.

This is what you wrote in your first post:

The last straw for W came in late May. I was getting ready to go out of state to work for a few months...as soon as I left the state, W started with MLC/WAW type behavior. Staying out until 4-6 am, lost a bunch of weight, not eating, shopping, ignoring the kids, on phone 24/7, etc.

You've known for 5 months she's cheating on you. Sorry man - not trying to be harsh, but it's the truth.

Man, could use a bit of advice. I mentioned a few days ago that W told me she was helping some friends Thursday morning before work.

And this is what I said to you...

She gave me a heads up that really early Thursday morning some friends need her help with something but she’d be home to take D4 to school before I leave for work.

Her friends need help with something really early on a Thursday morning? Hmmm...skeptical. Sounds like she's playing games with your head.

Found out that she's taking her unnamed friend(s) to the airport. She just left here at 10pm to go to the friends house, sleep for a few hours somewhere with a group of people, and then drive them to the airport. She said she will be home by 6am.

I have conflicting thoughts on this situation. I'm 99% sure she's at OM's house. I am also 99% sure she is actually driving to the airport based on several things.

There was always a 99% chance of this, maybe 99.9%. Nothing's changed...except maybe you found some tangible proof.

All I told her was to drive safe because it's late, she will be tired and the weather is bad.

Weak.

Ah the old drive safe to oms house to show concern bit. Never works DM.

^Yep.

She called about 5 minutes after leaving to let me know not to worry and the weather was fine.

The question is...why are you even answering? You need to be out too busy GALing to bother...or if it's late and you're home with the kids, just ignore that BS.

I said I wasn't trying to parent her, I just wanted her to be safe.

Weak. And maybe a bit parental and condescending.

She mentioned catching a nap with the group of friends and I asked if I was allowed to ask whose house (yeah, I messed up there).

Weak. At least you recognize it.

She said no because I don't tell her who I'm hanging out with either.

She's trying to make YOU feel bad even though SHE'S the one cheating and breaking her vows. DO NOT let her gaslight you. DO NOT let yourself believe that horse manure.

Do I tell her that if she thinks it's acceptable to sleep at another man's house, regardless of the circumstance, then she should leave?

No. So weak....all talk, no action. Obviously it's unacceptable for a married woman to regularly sleep at another man's house. She already knows that, and does it anyway.

Do I just ignore it completely and try and have the best day ever tomorrow?

Hmmm...I like the latter part. Not sure ignoring it is gonna help though.

Do I take all of her stuff out of my room and throw it on her bed downstairs?

Sounds like a better option than the other two.

So I don’t know if you read Rockons thread but both you guys are on the same boat. Both wives are cheating. Both of you want it to stop. Both of you claim you have boundaries. Both of you are afraid to implement any kind of consequences that may affect a WW.

I agree with LH - go read Rockon's threads, and in particular read Kind18's advice, which is trying to get Rockon to act out of strength instead of being timid and weak.

Here's Kind18s advice when Rockon considered offering his W a ride to the airport to go on her trip (to meet up w/OM):

If I were you, I’d offer to drive her to the airport and as she gets out of the car, encourage her not to come back, tell her you’re changing the locks and that her things will be in storage when she returns… oh and here’s my lawyers business card. BON VOYAGE!

And here's Kind18's advice when Rockon thought about writing his W a last ditch emotional letter:

Trust me - I sent a last ditch letter, and I’ve regretted it ever since.

Your two options are:
1. Completely ignore her trip and have a great time on your own
2. Move her stuff out and get your lawyer to send a letter

Of those two options, number 2 is much more likely to result in a reconciled marriage. But very few - if any - who are new to this site have the conviction to do it.

I might find more clarity tomorrow after sleeping on it....I don't want to be Mr. Nice Guy and I have boundaries. Sleeping at his house crosses one and I don't care what excuse is given. But what action to take, if any, is where I'm lost at this moment.

Your best option is taking an action (not words) that clearly shows her you're serious and not playing games anymore, and you're someone to be respected and not walked all over. It'll make you feel stronger and better about the situation and it might jolt her into respecting you and wondering if she's lose you. Or it won't jolt her because she's having an affair and all hopped up on the chemicals and emotions, but that's probably the way it'll play out regardless, so you might as well stand up for yourself.

I don't want to do something stupid that I'll regret.

The truth is that when you say you’re afraid you’ll do something you regret. You will regret you did nothing years from now.

LH is right. Both you and Rockon claim your W cheating is a boundary you're not willing to accept, but that's all talk or in theory. In practice what are your actions. And when it comes to actions you're both acting passively and weak out of fear...fear of the result. You need to get yourself into a position of strength where you truly mean and truly feel that

This is hard. The hardest thing you most likely will ever go through. You will get through it one way or another. It’s up to you how much pain and suffering you want to endure on this journey.

It is very hard. Don't beat yourself up over it. I was exactly where you are and understand how hard it is and understand acting (or lack of action) out of that very fear.

DW17 - I'm not trying to beat you up. Hope I didn't come across as too harsh...just trying to get you to see you do have the power and you will be OK and the sooner you get in a position of strength the better you'll feel.

Hang in there. You WILL get through this.

[DW17]

LH19 - yeah I've followed Rockon's thread. I'm not afraid of implementing consequences, even divorce. I hate not being able to confirm though. If I knew for certain she was there, I'd tell her not to come back and I'd get the D papers myself. That's a huge decision to not be 100% certain on. I have the confidence to move on from her.

When I say I'm afraid of doing something I'll regret, I'm referring more towards doing something that goes against DB principles. At the current moment I'm not sure I care. I've accepted that this situation will likely end in D, mainly because I don't have faith in W's ability to ever change herself. I guess I'm just waiting for some kind of proof, which is stupid I suppose. I imagine many people don't get proof until way later.

I'll try and sleep for now. W will be home in 5 hours. I think my plan is to just assume the worst and act on that. Tell her to leave the house while I work on getting it ready to sell. If she's unwilling to leave I will move all of her stuff downstairs and implement stricter IHS actions than we've been taking. That's probably what I should have done awhile ago anyway.

[LH19]

You can get proof if you absolutely need it. Pull phone records. Hire a PI.

Lol. What DB principles are you afraid to break?

Your W is a serial cheater. Run 100 percent in the opposite direction. If and it’s a big if, she ever turns around you can deal with it when it happens.

Get some sleep.

[DW17]

Thanks for the advice BL42 and LH19. You were not too harsh at all. It's what I needed to hear and I appreciate the honesty.

I'm thinking of what actions I CAN take. I can't kick her out legally but I can tell her she needs to leave. If she doesn't leave, I can split house/food/child responsibilities evenly. I can also move the rest of her stuff downstairs. I was told I should sell the house before D. I can begin that process tomorrow. I can fill out the D paperwork I have so it's ready.

It's hard to think of any actions besides D, so when I see advice about taking action, I'm not always sure what that entails. I obviously can't take action in the next hour before I go to work, but I'll spend time today thinking about more things I can do and have a plan by the time I get home.

[LH19]

I'm thinking of what actions I CAN take. I can't kick her out legally but I can tell her she needs to leave. If she doesn't leave, I can split house/food/child responsibilities evenly. I can also move the rest of her stuff downstairs. I was told I should sell the house before D. I can begin that process tomorrow.

Start with this

I can fill out the D paperwork I have so it's ready.

Until you are ready for this

[Ready2Change]

...I can also move the rest of her stuff downstairs

Yes. Move it. Do not let your anger control you. Do it respectfully like you would for a friend. (IE don't throw it in a big pile etc).

It's hard to think of any actions besides D, so when I see advice about taking action, I'm not always sure what that entails. I obviously can't take action in the next hour before I go to work, but I'll spend time today thinking about more things I can do and have a plan by the time I get home.

Take actions based on your core values. Take actions based on DBing. Do not let your anger control you. The less words you say to her, the better. Most talk too much, thinking it will help. Trust us, it does not.


One action that you control is answering the phone. Another is responding to text messages.







Your gut tells you the truth. Listen to it (And LH19 and BL42 advise, they are wise).