Action 2

[LH19]

I don’t know how to do this.

do what?

[Ready2Change]

I don’t know how to do this.

https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...ain=44595&Number=1852615#Post1852615

To me detachment means letting go of outcomes. I don't control the outcome so I shouldn't place my worth on the result. Doesn't mean stop caring, not trying, not having a plan, or giving up. I am solely in control of myself. If I do my best, I did all I could at the time then it has to be enough. I can learn from the experience and improve the process for future experiences.

How to practice detachment? Figure out the worst thing that could happen to you? (Spiers Doctrine - "The only hope you have is to accept the fact that you're already dead. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you'll be able to function as a soldier is supposed to function.") So the only thing that matters is are you doing the right thing. It easier to make a plan, take action and be brave when you aren't afraid of the outcome, you can't get hurt if you are already dead.

[Kind18]

It sounds like you’re struggling again Rockon.

The reason you are struggling is the power struggle between the emotional and intelligent parts of your brain.

At the moment, your emotional brain and thoughts are calling the shots, so intelligent brain isn’t getting a say and you’re spiralling out of control.

Don’t let your emotions control your thoughts/decisions. Acknowledge them, process them, but learn to identify that they are not going to give you good outcomes and they need to be replaced with measured, reasoned thoughts and behaviours.

“I can’t do this, it’s just too hard, I miss her so much.”

STOP SIGN IMAGERY

“I’m allowing emotion to control my thoughts.”

“I most probably will get through all of this and be okay.”

“I acknowledge I feel crap. But I still need to make smart decisions.”

“Perhaps because I’m emotional, I’ll redirect. I’m going to go for a run or gym session, have some good food, and then reconsider my problem with strength and the intelligent half of my brain.”

Emotions are fine. But don’t let them influence thoughts, behaviours and outcomes.

[Rockon]

Thank you men this has been helpful. Also in my psychology appointments I have been working on emotion surfing. Going there with the flow when it works for me and feeling the feels. Acknowledging admitting recognizing identifying feelings and asking “what is this emotion (for example anger) telling me?” Journaling or talking out loud is helpful. Connecting with good friends had a good workout and swim today and a big walk to and from second appointment.

[DnJ]

Hello Rock

I don’t know how to do this.

Just breathe.

It’s perfectly normal to struggle.

Focusing on you, GAL, etc, are all tools to help you work towards detachment; as well as many other positive goals.

Detaching is the single most best thing you can do for your situation. To that end, I find it helps to understand what emotional detachment/attachment is.

In these situations, the LBS is uncontrollably dragged round by their feelings. Feelings that are uncontrollable triggered by their spouse’s words, actions, behaviours, etc. It is the uncontrollable aspect that makes it attachment and it hurt so very much.

Detachment is not being dragged around by whatever your spouse does or says. Think of this like a car you are tied to. Let go, or be dragged.

Detachment is not the ceasing of your emotions, that is indifference and comes after detachment. With detachment you will still feel hurt, sad, angry, and such; just not uncontrollably. You are able to shore up your emotions, and let them out at more convenient times. By the way, that is a very important part, scheduling say five or ten minutes to have a good cry when you wake up, then get up, shower, and go about your day. Most likely need to have a few schedule times in a day for a while until you can whittle those down to one and eventually none.

You control you. Your thoughts, actions, and reactions. That’s it. And with those three, you exert influence over everything else. As was said, right now this is a battle between intellect and emotions. You cannot direct control your emotions, only influence them. So you control thoughts and actions.

This is basically rationalizing the triggers of those emotions. For example, feelings of dread from perhaps having to lead a single life. Whenever you think about being single, or some actions from W brings that to the fore, you are triggered to feel dread. You have a tied between dread and being single. Rationalizing this tie, uncouples the feeling from the initiating thought or action.

There are a few ways to rewire, well more accurately unwire, triggers. Continuing our example, purposefully think about being single while doing an enjoyable activity. Say you’re out for a nice stroll or run. Out in the sunshine and just enjoying it. Thinking about being single then will have less “dragging” power, and you start to tie the current enjoyment feeling to being single. This will counteract and dissuade the feelings of dread.

Another tactic is to explore the possible future event (being single) when fully engaged intellectually. Seeing how it is not all doom and gloom. Seeing some of the benefits of the single life. This limits emotional response and really works to sever that tie to the the trigger.

The emotional journey takes time. Time is your best friend and best ally during all this. (I know it doesn’t feel like it right now.)

Feelings are fleeting. They initiate quickly and extinguish quickly. Unless they are reinforced.

Lots of times our emotions get caught up in a feedback loop. Pretty well known one is fight or flight. You know, a tiger attacks, and we gain an uncontrolled boost to fight or flee. An evolutionary life saving adaption. BD is a huge emotional stressor and one’s fight or flight mechanism kicks right into high gear. And stays there. So much adrenaline for so long; loosing weight; lack of sleep. Problem is, the “tiger” hasn’t been around for weeks/months; yet we are still stuck in that mechanism. Struggling.

One cannot detach when they are tightly hanging on.

Learning how to let go take time too. Ah time, that four letter word.


For your information, and some encouragement, I was utterly destroyed for two months after my W left. Man, it was horrible. Detachment came around three months in. I awoke from a horrible hellfire nightmare of W’s eternal damnation. Right then, at 2:00 am, in complete darkness, I got out of bed, fell to my knees, and gave her to God. I cannot control her. I cannot fix her. (And who am I to say she needs fixing.)

That night was miraculous. In a most human hubris I prayed and begged God to forgive my wife. Imagine that. Me, a wee mortal begging the almighty to forgive her. And in that, I realized I had.

Much awoke that night. Let go or be dragged. Be better not bitter. Compassion and understanding. No manipulation of her path. And so on. One of the pivotal moments of my journey. That was the last bad night sleep I had.


Stay strong. You were forced upon a path not of your choice. And you’re doing fine.

D

[Rockon]

D that is profound and an inspiring example. It is really coming bit by bit. I actually am not feeling so bad about singleness. I like myself and i have incredible family and friends. I feel free at times and adventurous - passionate even. Now the intense emotions - they are still coming regularly

But I just arrived back at my hotel in a great city after taking my son out for dinner and to the skatepark on a beautiful night. The skate sesh was sick and I felt such Love joy and peace along with a couple other homies out skating - I was
Filming - old knees and ankles.

And now my night is free and I’m ok. Might go out for a drink and meet people.

[BL42]

Rockon,

For me to be in a marriage relationship, I have a firm boundary that I don’t have a relationship with my W if she commits adultery and is not repentant.

I know it hurts, but if it's true W went on a trip out of the country to visit OM she has already committed adultery in an emotional sense and almost certainly in a physical sense, and you're fooling yourself if you don't think there are very long odds that she's actually repentant. By the far most likely outcome of this trip is she's had a PA and will not be sorry about it. You need to dace reality and prepare yourself mentally for this outcome. And the question becomes if this is a firm boundary for you, how are you going to enforce that boundary? What actions do you plan to take?

What do I say if she reaches out to me and wants to talk?

Well that's really up to you. A few have mentioned the "Contact my L, here's the info" approach. Or you could say you're too busy...or better yet BE too busy. However, if you agree to talk because you most likely will because you're not strong enough yet to blow her off whatever you do don't beg or plead or even give in easily rather just listen and validate and don't commit to anything.

As I write this, I recognize I am still very much processing so much deep hurt. And so I am trying to see more clearly but it’s hard.

I know man, I've been there. It's awful...sorry. You WILL get through it though.

I have read that you can be wise to define a timeline for a trial separation of 3 to 6 months and to come up with agreements for the trial separation.

You read wrong. WWs do not follow any agreements so a waste of time.

She's already broken her vows and gone off to see OM. You can not in any way trust her to live up to any "trial separation agreement". It's meaningless and unenforceable. She's going to do whatever she wants to do whether you pinky swear or put it in writing. You simply can't trust her, so don't bother making an agreement.

As I write this, I recognize I am still very much processing so much deep hurt. And so I am trying to see more clearly but it’s hard.

It's the desperation that you spoke about earlier. You are trying hold on to something that is already gone and is an awful feeling. You are going to have to find a way through it.

Suffering is wanting reality to be different than it is. Once you let go of what you want it to be and accept what it is, you'll stop suffering.

I’ve been working to take my power back. I’ve got a ways to go on that.

This is the single most important thing you can do. Take your power back. It's understandable you have a ways to go, but keep working on it. The sooner you find your strength and power the faster you'll feel good...and for what it's worth the more attractive you'll be.

Connecting with good friends had a good workout and swim today and a big walk to and from second appointment.

But I just arrived back at my hotel in a great city after taking my son out for dinner and to the skatepark on a beautiful night. The skate sesh was sick and I felt such Love joy and peace along with a couple other homies out skating

Keep up the GAL. You're doing great there.

[Rockon]

Great day today. Therapy session in the am followed by workout and then quality time with my son playing in the river.

Had a great visit with good friends this evening. My life is shaping up well.

[Rockon]

Another good day - stringing them along one at a time.

Got things done around the house and yard went and unloaded at public yard garden composting site - I actually really enjoy dump runs.

Had a great time connecting with oldest S and youngest D tonight - got Chinese food and were family.

Reached out for some solid support and got though some heavy emotions midday.

[Kind18]

I love the old tip runs with the trailer. So cleansing to get rid of a heap of crap from your life.

I also like doing a big clean out via FB Marketplace (although I hate dealing with idiots).

Gardening is also very good for filling up your cup.