I do like the lighthouse. Solid foundation. Able to withstand the storms of life. Secure in its footings. Shines brightly. Does not run after lost sailors or folks to rescue.
Standing is not standing still.
At first, we are so hurt that we stand for our marriage and spouse; it’s the default position. We promise anything under the sun if only God, fate, the universe, etc, would just turn our spouse around and restore things. (Ah, bargaining. The last vestige of trying to feel the old normal before we move on to depression. Such is the normal process of grief.)
Eventually, one heals.
When one heals enough to stand down, is when standing really starts. IMHO. This when one’s convictions are tested. Some stand for a short while; some a long while; and some are covenant keepers, upholding their vows until death do part. We all find our path which serves. (Some folks mistake their temporary feeling of indifference as being over and fully let go. Indifference does roll back, and feeling so return.)
Letting go and acceptance comes. And hopefully forgiveness as well. This ushers in much peace and contentment, and a pretty fantastic life and outlook. (This is the good time to consider dating. Being healed before starting up with someone new.)
Dating or not, standing or not, are not indicative of how stuck one is or how free one is. One is stuck if their life, and life’s feedback are not what they want, and they are not efforting towards their goals. Rinse and repeat behavior's with the same unwanted outcomes seem a rather stuck situation.
A lighthouse stands. As an analogy: It doesn’t run after life, rather life comes to it. I like that serenity.
(Of course, vacations, trips, outings, etc. all happen. I’m speaking more the emotional journey of the shining lighthouse. smile )
Dnj" Thnx for all of this. I will drink the water, but I am going to need to leading to it. There is allot of wisdom here. I am hoping when I get back home, I find a group, sanctuary to live.. I have asked mu IC for a group of like minded people to group therapy with or socialize with. Nothing yet. My neighbor pointed our a Church too, I will give that a try.. Holidays are coming and it hurts knowing a man is with her, and making her happy.. Thats tough.
I am wanting to make as statement that makes her feel like crap for what she has done, whether written or action. Nothing crazy, but something that when the holidays happen and I am not there, that she will feel it. The kids will be there, her Dad. But I wont.. Sound like a child I know, but, I cant be there in with another man there...
I am wanting to make as statement that makes her feel like crap for what she has done, whether written or action. Nothing crazy, but something that when the holidays happen and I am not there, that she will feel it. The kids will be there, her Dad. But I wont..
So Mach if I am hearing you correctly you admit that you were the main cause of your D. If that is the case it sounds like your EXW has forgiven you and moved on. Why not extend her the same courtesy?
I am wanting to make as statement that makes her feel like crap for what she has done, whether written or action. Nothing crazy, but something that when the holidays happen and I am not there, that she will feel it. The kids will be there, her Dad. But I wont..
So Mach if I am hearing you correctly you admit that you were the main cause of your D. If that is the case it sounds like your EXW has forgiven you and moved on. Why not extend her the same courtesy?
I am with ya.. My wife has not forgiven me. She straight up said she has never forgiven me for Hawaii. Hawaii was 2005-2010 era ( Married 2004 went on US Navy deployment, came back moved them all to Hawaii). Not sure how she can live with me for so many years after that and such. Maybe she just did it for the kids, sacrificed her life for them. Only she knows the answer there. I regret so much. So much. Zero understanding of what I was doing, as far as being married. Couldnt communicate, neither could she, even though she may have tried. Just never could, even with her super educated and writing skills. If you want to more, I am more than willing to divulge.
Not sure how she can live with me for so many years after that and such. Maybe she just did it for the kids, sacrificed her life for them. Only she knows the answer there.
Yes a woman will sacrifice a lot for her children and husband in the early years hoping things will change. When they don't she starts to detach and plan her exit strategy.
Originally Posted by Mach40
I regret so much. So much. Zero understanding of what I was doing, as far as being married.
There are no marriage manuals and you did the best you could with the information you had at the time. A real tragedy will be if it happens again.
Originally Posted by Mach40
If you want to more, I am more than willing to divulge.
Nothing will ever tell me what really happened, but it does seem to me she did everything for her kids. Our counseling was terrible, short lived, IC and MC. Hawaii was a sexless, or very low sex marriage. She thought I was low T. Reality was I was not sexuality excited by her. Before we were married she did all the stuff you normally do, look good for your person you are trying to attract. After we got to Hawaii, she rarely did anything to make herself attractive. And when we did finally get to do something, it was only after the kids were asleep, door locked to room, windows shut and we had to be quiet. Didnt want the kids to hear us.. Whenever I tried to get frisky or spontaneous, I was shut down. We never even drank to get a little loose. Too worried about the kids. So, I wondered to online relief, via videos, and eventually reached out to escorts. I never did follow through, as the guilt factor kicked in real hard. And by shear stupidity I signed up for Ashley Madison and canceled same day. She found the charge. I could never tell my wife she wasnt attractive to me.. I felt that was a horrible thing to do. So, that is the main reason she cant forgive me, was looking elsewhere for relief. It looked horrible, far worse than true ea/pa. I never cheated on her. The other main issue was constant fighting with my oldest step daughter. It caused allot of problems, anger issues etc. I went to counseling for that, and again, did nothing to show me how to work through this. SD never went to counseling. So, when I returned from Hawaii, wife was already having an EA ( sort of ) with mail orbiter who was her friend from HS.. I think he influenced her to stay for the kids, its a gut feeling. So, from 2012 to 2018 she powered through on and off, to keep the kids in a stable home, and finally get the youngest through HS. Got her Masters, a new career, perfect for someone needing positive attention ( realtor) Then poof, gone. Moved out, finally bought a home. Writing was on the wall, but she was keeping me as a friend, not a husband at all. But, I was suckered into thinking she needed time to heal and such. I feel I was played a fool for my issues from many years ago we never truly addressed. I did say she said we could have changed course if I had just admitted to all of that. I did, but not good enough apparently. She just didnt trust me.. So, here I am, regretting everything and feel used, very used. The only positive is my Daughters love me fiercely , according to ex, MIL ( RIP) and FIL.
A lot to unpack here Mach. Wondering if you both weren't in it for the security? I am curious about what you mean below?
Originally Posted by Mach40
So, here I am, regretting everything and feel used, very used.
I ama type a person that will wait things out. Our relationship was day by day, as we stated many times. It became routine. I feel I was used to help her get a jump in life, raise her kids. Her previous marriage was bad ( him, drugs, affairs, even got neighbor pregnant and he reconciled and left her after their second child was born((he left her two times, both after birth of children). Just a dirtbag) 5 years later, we married. She was living at home, struggling to survive, raise the kids. Had a good career finally. Gave it all up to marry me and move to Hawaii. And, well, thats why I think she married me, US Navy Chief, good pay n benefits. I am sure there are other reasons, but the big ones are surviving and her girls.
I can see why you feel that way. So it sounds like you were in a mundane marriage where the sex was lacking and you weren't particularly attracted to your wife. She had an EA and there was lots of drama especially with your SD. You felt she only married you for your benefits and to raise her children. Why is it so hard to let her go and move on? Sounds like you don't feel you deserve or can do better?
