Living with a WAW

[DonH]

I'm going to and it's on a Saturday which is "her day" according to her, so she is mad about it. Apparently I'm supposed to have Fridays only to go out, which is news to me.

It seems like you need to take more charge or just be more up front about some of these things. In this instance, did the two of you ever discuss this or has she somehow just decided Saturday is her night? The response I believe you shouid have used is, “I’m sorry if I’m forgetting this but did we discuss Friday being my night out and Saturday being yours? Make her substantiate these things not just make them up and expect you to fall in line. If it was discussed and you forgot, then own it and tell her that. If not, stand up for yourself and say, “we can discuss it now, how about we alternate.” Don’t let her set the rules and you have to obey and obeyed.

Same with the bedroom. You can’t kick her out but do not move out either. If she wants her own space, she moves. If not, you are staying in your bedroom with our without her.

Take some charge of this.

[Ready2Change]

It seems like you need to take more charge or just be more up front about some of these things. In this instance, did the two of you ever discuss this or has she somehow just decided Saturday is her night? The response I believe you shouid have used is, “I’m sorry if I’m forgetting this but did we discuss Friday being my night out and Saturday being yours? Make her substantiate these things not just make them up and expect you to fall in line. If it was discussed and you forgot, then own it and tell her that. If not, stand up for yourself and say, “we can discuss it now, how about we alternate.” Don’t let her set the rules and you have to obey and obeyed.

Very good advice.

Listen to her. Process what she is saying. Make a decision. Lead. She will respect you more.

[DW17]

Thank you both for the input. I agree about being more upfront about things and taking charge of situations. As far as the bedroom, W got a bed yesterday and put it downstairs. I had expressed previously that I would not be leaving the bedroom and that the sleeping arrangement was not working. So she found a cheap bed somewhere and moved down there last night. I was trying to figure out what to do and it turns out I just needed another 12 hours of patience and the problem was resolved.

We also briefly discussed setting a plan for boundaries/schedules/time with the kids the other day. This will be a good opportunity for me to take the lead on those actions.

[Ready2Change]

...it turns out I just needed another 12 hours of patience and the problem was resolved....

That was her leading

[Ready2Change]

We also briefly discussed setting a plan for boundaries/schedules/time with the kids the other day. This will be a good opportunity for me to take the lead on those actions.

You split the cookie and let her pick:


H:"Do you want to split the weekend with the kids,One parent gets Sat, the other Sun? or alternate weekends?"

H:"Do you want to include Friday night as part of the weekend with the kids?"


At this point, I do not believe you should quibble over which way to split. You just stand firm that you both should have equal parenting time. The goal is to reduce confusion by having a schedule that is predictable. Let her know that you are willing to be flexible and are willing to negotiate exceptions as they come up, as long as you are given reasonable notice.

[Kind18]

I was trying to figure out what to do and it turns out I just needed another 12 hours of patience and the problem was resolved.

This is a good lesson for LBS. Sometimes we spend all this time and mental energy trying to work things out, choose the right solution, analyse what they’ve said/done … and then it all just resolves itself and we realise we’ve wasted bucketloads thinking about it.

Remember this next time you are wound up or trying to analyse or solve a problem - 99% of the time, it will solve itself.

You’re better off letting things happen and instead spending your time doing GAL and having fun. Even in the middle of a divorce, the world keeps turning.

[BL42]

DW17,

This weekend went pretty well. I went with a friend to grab drinks and watch some playoff baseball.

Good!

Later that night W did her standard night out/see you tomorrow routine so I did movie night with D4.

She doesn't own rights to that night - it's ok for you to get out and do something. What if next week you told her you were going to be out...and then left.

The next morning we were out of the house before W got home.

I think it's great you get out of there with D4 before she arrives home.

Today I met with 2 lawyers. I'm not sure how helpful it was, but it solidified some thoughts I had which is nice.

It's helpful in the sense you know where you stand legally. Now you're empowered to accept or reject W's D offer...if it comes to that. She offers a fair deal to you under the law, or better yet a favorable deal to you...accept it! She offers an unfavorable deal under the law...reject it. Run anything by a L before accepting (without her telling her).

They both said if I get divorced I'll be financially screwed between child support, alimony and whatever my new rent/mortgage is.

Drives me nuts that the bad party has no penalty for their actions. They broke a vow. Really, broke a contract...but often times get rewarded financially. It feels like the affair should at least void any spousal support. But the law is the law.

She has also talked with a friend who filed for divorce by having her and her husband fill out the paperwork and just having a L review everything at the end to save money. W said she intends to do the same thing eventually, which will only cause problems if we can’t agree on the big items.

Good! Now YOU know where you stand under the law. Let her make an offer and if it's fair or favorable (under the law) accept it.

I don’t think she has a clue how much child support and alimony she is entitled to per the L’s I talked to.

Good! Let your knowledge and her ignorance be your advantage.

If we work through things without her getting a L, do I even bring this up, or just let her sift through it on her own and only fight it if I don’t like the results?

DO NOT share ANY legal knowledge with her. SHE is the cheater. It's a business negotiation now. You protect you (and the kids of course). If she wants to leave and wants it to be easy, let her ignorantly give you a better deal.

Do I just try to avoid any talk about D altogether?

Right. DB'ing would say no R talks. Don't block her from leaving (you can't anyway), but don't help her either.

But for the first time it feels like D is inevitable.

It's BD - and likely even before that - D was extremely likely.

W’s biggest concern right now is making sure we don’t mess up D18’s senior year of high school so she wants us to work together, even if that means her moving downstairs until D18 is done with school.

What do you think is best for D18 (and your other kids)? If you agree, then go along with it. From now on before you make any decision you should consider "what is best for the kids?".

do I just basically kick her out of the room?

No sure you can force her out, but packing up her stuff and putting it in the basement with an air mattress might resign her to it.

W has gotten mad at me for lack of communication and ignoring her, which is probably justified.

Listen very closely. W is going to be mad at you no matter what you do. She is likely feeling guilty and bad about herself due to her actions and will project that on you.

Even if you walked on eggshells and tried to appease her 110% she's still going to lash out at you for something. One example on here we used recently is it's her birthday and you get her a card/present she'll be upset because she told you she needs space and is done and you're not listening, but if you don't get anything for her she'll use it as an example of how you don't care and it justifies her affair/leaving.

Your goal IS NOT to avoid making her mad. Your goal is to do what's best for you and your kids.

I don’t know. I think I may have pivoted a little too far toward ignoring and may need to shift a little more toward aloof yet available, while being conscious of my boundaries of not doing things for her. Just being friendly and validating her feelings. Or maybe I was doing things right and I should continue with that. It’s a tough line to walk.

You're overthinking it IMO. Don't spend time thinking about how you should act for her benefit - you do you at this point.

My wife’s cousin reached out to me to offer support and asked me to join them at the pumpkin patch this weekend. I decided that I will go. I look forward to it every year. She has been pretty much the only constant support for me, W and the kids through our entire relationship, even though she lives 3 hours away. I’ve been closer to her family than my own. It feels like the right decision.

Not sure that's the best decision. Your time might be better spent in the gym or watching more baseball with friends...but also don't think it's going to make or break the situation.

And I am on to a new book “Codependent No More.” I’ve gotten good info from each book I’ve read. Hopefully this one does as well. Also, I PR’d a 5k last night and I’m 5 pounds from my weight goal.

Awesome! Keep up the reading and exercising.

[DW17]

Just finished reading No More Mr. Nice Guy. I wish I had read it a month ago. It's me to a T. I've been struggling with being decisive and taking charge, mainly out of fear. Fear of making W upset, fear of divorce, fear of causing tension in the house. The advice here has helped me acknowledge how ridiculous these fears are and this book reinforced much of the advice I've been getting here the past few weeks. Anyone struggling with these same issues, I'd highly recommend reading it.

[Ready2Change]

Just finished reading No More Mr. Nice Guy.

What book is next?

[DW17]

Ready2Change - I'm reading a book called Uncoupling. It walks through the stages of how relationships end. It's based on interviews with a ton of people on how their relationships came to a close. I'll probably finish it today or tomorrow. I'm also still reading Codependent No More. It started off a little stagnant so I pivoted to NMMNG but I'll get back to it in a few days. Most of the books I've been reading came from the recommended books thread and they've been helpful.