[quote=Mach40] Too early to tell. Plus she still may comeback.
She planeed to leave many years ago, doubt she would even think to come back
We’ll she’s not coming back tomorrow. She’s going to have to go through at least one relationship. Definitely do not wait for it. My friends parents hated each other after their D and got back together 35 years later.
I've said for years now that there is a major difference between "standing" and merely "waiting" for a situation to work out.....
There was a poster here a while back named Sleeper ? I think that was his name. He merely hid from himself and waited for his wife to wake up. Which ultimately did not happen, and eventually, after 6 or 7 years, he realized that he had wasted those years of his life, years that he could never recover, because he allowed his situation to dictate who he was.
I see the same with you, however much you are seeing it now, and trying to work through it.
The one thing I would recommend is that you stop allowing your Ex to dictate your emotions.
And stop holding her accountable for how YOU feel right now...
If you were to step back and re-read this thread, you are still in the mindset of "feeling" married to her...
And with that, you are stuck in "us" mode, and not in "you" mode....
You have to find out what "you" mode looks like.
Nothing is written that things could possibly be different down the road, however, today is not that day.
A WAS will seldom return to a situation that they left...
How is your situation different than it once was ??
Hopefully you realize, and work through this before you wake up down the road, and regret the wasted years....
Mach1, Thnx for the insight.. I know I have wasted a few years.. My own fault, and lack of guidance from anyone really. When she moved out she took my youngest with her.. Youngest would not have gone if it werent for my oldest living here. Friction amongst the kids, pretty normal. And Momma offered freedom. Now both are out, and we have bonded very well in the past few years. So, I gained much closer relationships with the girls.. I am making strides in moving forward, more mental then anything. I am accepting things. I know darn well she is far ahead and gone in the relationship she left. Gone, way down the road. I never wanted to see it, but I have.. I have always been slow to grasp the obvious, mostly due to being engrossed in job, travel etc. Its easy for friends that I do have to say what they recommend, but its ultimately up to me to get it. I am getting it, trust me.. My GAL may not be the norm, like hobbies, going out, dating. I spend time with kids, grand kids, and my big hobbie are cars, working on them..I have been doing allot of that.. Its difficult when I dont get allot of daily push, guidance.. I am writing allot of guidance I read here, for example. And I review it, try to implement it as much as possible. But, you are right, I have wasted many years waiting. She has stated many times over the years I am leaps and bounds a better person. BUT, she says it will make my new family or wife and happy person. Thats key. She doesnt want me back, she is just saying nice things, noticed, to be positive and nice.
The mail system was never hooked up on this forum. It's a false positive.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Last night I went out , in Alaska. Kinda met a woman. We just chatted for a while. It gave me a good bit of self esteem, that I can meet women. Nothing to follow up with, as I am only here for another couple weeks tops. Second, someone made comment about rose colored glasses coming off. I have been writing allot of things about my wife and what she did to me, hidden and not hidden.. The glasses are coming off. I was deleting a whole bunch of pictures, and the latest of us together caught my eye. She is not as attractive as I remember her. Sounds terrible, but she is getting a bit older, and I can see her workaholism and lifes stress' are wearing her down. Dont get me wrong, I am not as attractive as I used to be. I am just really noticing it. I think its progress, as it shows some detachment mentally from her..
Well, I have noticed a trend here. When you separate, divorce etc, what people want you to do with yourself is effectively what you should have been doing during the marriage. Having a life ( same as GAL), with her/him is keeping it exciting.. Just an example. The anxiety/fear of not having that person is real, yet you are told go find another person to fill that void after you heal.. Interesting.. I get it. I am having a rough few days here, in AK. All I can think of is what ifs, should have, could haves.. And I keep envisioning her in the vision I had when we were young and dating, but now doing it all over with someone new. And on the flip side I want it to fail miserably, cause I havent fully let her go. It makes sense now. Letting go is the ultimate love for her, let her go, its not failing. I read this quote "But letting go is not giving up. You don't have to give up to let go. Letting go means that you become the picnic. The lighthouse. You are no longer moving TOWARDS them, but they know where you are and can move towards you if they ever decide to. The analogies of the picnic and the lighthouse are perfect metaphors for letting go (stop moving towards them!), but not giving up." I think this is for the DB envisioning her seeing what she has left, and will come back. Yep, I am a mess..
Sorry you're struggling. It's a process, especially considering how long you two were together. You're going to have ups and downs. You got some excitement about talking to a new woman and then thought about those rose colored glasses, but when that high went away you came down and thought about the "what ifs" and ExW's new relationship. The key is to be trending positive over time. It can be tough to let go. It's natural to want things between ExW and her new guy to fail. Eventually if you can focus on enjoying your life you won't worry about that as much over time.
Hang in there.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
