Such a boost to my mood earlier today. And I really need it to help with the intense sadness, anger and desperation. Gonna take some rest now and acknowledge my feelings.
Every time you spend time on you and having fun - you feel renewed and happier and less depressed!
Yes, it’s important to have a cry and feel your sadness rather than hide from it. But you should only do it for a fixed time. For example:
“I’m going to sleep in, think about and process my marriage problems and divorce in bed for 1 hour from 9am to 10am, then I’m going to get up and do those fun things which make me happy.”
Sadness, anger and helplessness are normal, reasonable and required feelings.
The difference between a normal person dealing with something tough and someone who develops life-controlling depression is exposure time. Put a plan in place BEFORE you start thinking about it, or dealing with wife/lawyers/finance. If you don’t define set limits, it will start to control you.
Another useful tool is the stop sign imagery which I’m sure you can Google. Once 10am comes, every time you catch yourself thinking about her or divorce or lawyers or finance - mentally picture a big red stop sign. It’s a really good mindfulness technique.
The desperation doesn’t last. Therapy is really helping me to have perspective and to step away and distance myself from the desperation and use my wise mind in alignment with me health goals and needs and core values.
Each day has been getting better. Had a really great mens group this morning.
My plans on her return are to continue to focus on my and my progress and stay the course.
My plans on her return are to continue to focus on my and my progress and stay the course.
You're doing great with the GAL. Hockey, surfing, men's group...etc are all fantastic.
Imo you need a better plan for her return. "Staying the course" is all well and good, but what specifically are you doing to strengthen yourself in dealing with her? What actions will you take? Does she have anything left in the house? What if she does one of those weekly pop-ins? Are you ready to be strong when she texts/calls/stops in?
Last edited by BL42; 10/14/2206:03 PM.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Ok so let’s fast forward to her return. She has moved her stuff to her mom’s where she is staying. If she stops in unannounced, I plan to say I gotta go. She very likely will come over to spend time with D as well. She has been texting me from her trip already. She wanted to find out about S’s treatment update (special mental health needs)
I did overhear her on a video call with D today in the other room. Sounded like they had a good conversation. I’m happy about that.
So if it’s status quo after she returns, I need to show I have moved on. I did not want to stay with the status quo as things are. I also don’t want to go back to how things were. I want to have an honest, loving, respectful, faithful, exciting marriage. That feels like a far away off.
If she says I’m back from my trip and I wanna work on our marriage now, then I will say “oh really. What do you mean by that?”
If she says, “I’ve made a terrible mistake. I’m very sorry.I really love you and I want to reconcile with you,” I will say, “thank you. I need to consider my options.”
So far, I’ve made myself open and available with my kids. Leaving the door open for them to ask questions and to express how they’re doing while being careful not to paint W in a bad light. I honoured her as their mother and Expressed that I want our marriage to recover and our relationship to work. I acknowledged to them that I don’t control her and I don’t know the future but that we are going to be OK no matter the outcome.
I was talking to my counsellor last week who suggested that I consider the language I use to describe our situation. Simply labelling the situation as a separation doesn’t capture the nuance of what is going on. There are things that I am going through and working out that I am not sharing with my kids. For example, the A. But I am sharing that I’m engaging in therapy and focusing on my recovery, our family, my friendships and faith.
If she stops in unannounced, I plan to say I gotta go.
Even better...already BE out because you have fun plans and an awesome life.
Originally Posted by Rockon
She very likely will come over to spend time with D as well.
She could meet up with D at a cafe or her mother's house, no? It's OK to establish boundaries about popping over if she moved out and you're separated.
Originally Posted by Rockon
She has been texting me from her trip already. She wanted to find out about S’s treatment update (special mental health needs)
What have your responses been like? It's it's just business about S's treatment I think that's ok, but be slow to respond - she left you to care for him to go see her AP - and be careful not to make it more.
Originally Posted by Rockon
If she says I’m back from my trip and I wanna work on our marriage now, then I will say “oh really. What do you mean by that?”
If she says, “I’ve made a terrible mistake. I’m very sorry.I really love you and I want to reconcile with you,” I will say, “thank you. I need to consider my options.”
Good proposed responses to those theoretical comments, but you better prepare yourself mentally she will not be saying those things. If she just had a trip and met with AP it's likely her head and heart have roses and butterflies for him and she's all hopped up on the affair. Typically after a meeting like that they're all hopped up on the affair and not thinking reconcile and save the marriage.
Originally Posted by Rockon
How do you talk to your kids about the sitch?
Your kids are adults so that's a different conversation than with a 5yo, but I'd keep it limited. They know their mom moved out so things are rocky. Simply tell them you and W are having an issue with your marriage and leave it at that. They're not dumb, they'll know what's going on and who's responsible all on their own without you saying anything - no need to get into details with them. Keep it within the marriage.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
If she stops in unannounced, I plan to say I gotta go.
Even better...already BE out because you have fun plans and an awesome life.
GOOD plan
Originally Posted by Rockon
She very likely will come over to spend time with D as well.
She could meet up with D at a cafe or her mother's house, no? It's OK to establish boundaries about popping over if she moved out and you're separated.
Originally Posted by Rockon
She has been texting me from her trip already. She wanted to find out about S’s treatment update (special mental health needs)
What have your responses been like? It's it's just business about S's treatment I think that's ok, but be slow to respond - she left you to care for him to go see her AP - and be careful not to make it more.
YES that’s what I have been doing
Originally Posted by Rockon
If she says I’m back from my trip and I wanna work on our marriage now, then I will say “oh really. What do you mean by that?”
If she says, “I’ve made a terrible mistake. I’m very sorry.I really love you and I want to reconcile with you,” I will say, “thank you. I need to consider my options.”
Good proposed responses to those theoretical comments, but you better prepare yourself mentally she will not be saying those things. If she just had a trip and met with AP it's likely her head and heart have roses and butterflies for him and she's all hopped up on the affair. Typically after a meeting like that they're all hopped up on the affair and not thinking reconcile and save the marriage.
YUP
Originally Posted by Rockon
How do you talk to your kids about the sitch?
Your kids are adults so that's a different conversation than with a 5yo, but I'd keep it limited. They know their mom moved out so things are rocky. Simply tell them you and W are having an issue with your marriage and leave it at that. They're not dumb, they'll know what's going on and who's responsible all on their own without you saying anything - no need to get into details with them. Keep it within the marriage.
