Yeah you are not listening to the advice here. You are to withdrawal all emotional support. You are not her therapist or her emotional tampon. You are too busy for that $hit. I’m not a fan of validating a wayward either. Especially one who doesn’t even have the decency to hide it.
OK maybe I’m not listening or hearing/understanding in some ways but I’m really trying to. And yes I am too busy for that [censored]. And I am not into validating waywardness but when she is expressing regrets and trauma and distress/worries about our kids and grandchild I do care!
This behavior may be temporary and maybe not. You view this as bad behavior. She views it as she feels alive again.
Ya I don’t think she’s really viewing it that way so much anymore from what she’s telling me and others but I’m not her.
I will ask you the question again. You are acting out of fear. What are you of afraid of that you can’t let go?
Well I’m afraid of her dying and of tragedy happening to a couple of my kids and grandchild. I am working on these fears with God, in therapy and with good friends and I am healing. And I am working at being an excellent father, grandfather and I want to co parent well with W in ways that it is important to collaborate. It all in really a lot for me to handle and I can’t bear it all on my own. Working through grief as well.
BL is spot on. Logic, reason, the Lord, kids, etc. will not turn her around, will not wake her up. In fact, all of that is pressure and she will run in the opposite direction.
Whichever direction her life is headed is on her. Leave it with her!
What I’m referring to is to not manipulate her path. A LBS making personal changes and decisions in an effort to directly affect the spouse’s path usually prolongs the spouse’s journey. At best the efforts is neutral, at worst disastrous. No one is wise enough to see all ends. And you certainly do not want the responsibility of her outcome heaped upon you.
The LBS let’s go, stands, and moves forward. Your decisions are to be best for your interests; you are the most important person in this equation. Oftentimes the LBS pretzels themselves and will walk on eggshells in an effort to smooth things over and try to get the situation back to what it once was. Best to focus on you. Let go, live your life, and let her run to catch up. If that is indeed what comes to pass.
I have been making changes in this area - Was definitely walking on eggshells for awhile but I’ve stopped that.
You are just starting out, and I get it, you want to do something to move this forward. Realize doing nothing is doing something. Being still is still moving forward. When you’re calm and at peace, answers will reveal themselves.
Needed to hear this.
You have been given the gift of time. Use it well.
And this.
In my opinion you are doing excellent. Posting lots, listening, seeking advice and wisdom before deciding anything and/or putting decisions into action.
Ooooh man. Thanks. This is really painful.
The future is unknown and unwritten. Have faith my friend.
Yeah you are not listening to the advice here. You are to withdrawal all emotional support. You are not her therapist or her emotional tampon. You are too busy for that $hit. I’m not a fan of validating a wayward either. Especially one who doesn’t even have the decency to hide it.
OK maybe I’m not listening or hearing/understanding in some ways but I’m really trying to. And yes I am too busy for that [censored]. And I am not into validating waywardness but when she is expressing regrets and trauma and distress/worries about our kids and grandchild I do care!
This behavior may be temporary and maybe not. You view this as bad behavior. She views it as she feels alive again.
Ya I don’t think she’s really viewing it that way so much anymore from what she’s telling me and others but I’m not her.
I will ask you the question again. You are acting out of fear. What are you of afraid of that you can’t let go?
Well I’m afraid of her dying and of tragedy happening to a couple of my kids and grandchild. I am working on these fears with God, in therapy and with good friends and I am healing. And I am working at being an excellent father, grandfather and I want to co parent well with W in ways that it is important to collaborate. It all in really a lot for me to handle and I can’t bear it all on my own. Working through grief as well.
Right now for me going through exposure therapy to settle my nervous system from post trauma stress injuries. And learning skills through Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is starting to help.
I control me - that’s it!
At this point guilt has really diminished as a factor for me - thankfully. It was torture (unwarranted guilt) with respect to the traumas I’ve been exposed to.
And while I control me, I recognize that I have power to act in ways that are important to me and line up with my core values and that is the same for my loved ones as well.
Well I’m afraid of her dying and of tragedy happening to a couple of my kids and grandchild. I am working on these fears with God, in therapy and with good friends and I am healing.
Go easy on yourself....it takes time. Your situation is still raw to you.
Your fears....they are just that...
Yours....
I would bet that not too long ago...your worst fear was that your marriage would end one day, and she would leave.....
Guess what, it's happened, and you are still here....
Fears won't kill you...
However they will paralyze you...
Work through them , because typically once you stare them down....they ain't so scary....
Originally Posted by Rock
And I am working at being an excellent father, grandfather and I want to co parent well with W in ways that it is important to collaborate. It all in really a lot for me to handle and I can’t bear it all on my own. Working through grief as well.
You aren't alone....
You have a group of guys behind you every step so far....just because you haven't seen us doesn't mean we aren't real...
Best part is, that we have ALL felt your pain....
How about this though....
You focus on being the best Rockon that you can be for yourself...
And I guarantee you that being the best Father, Grandfather, and one day...spouse that you can be, will follow....
Pinpoint your focus with healing and you will pinpoint your results....
You need to go deeper. What you fear could be sub-conscience, possibly from your early childhood. We are all different, but you have work to do to determine the answer to this question.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Spent some quality time with youngest D last night and this morning. Attended therapy. Did some work on the house. Went deeper with pastor and walked with him and played with his dog at the beach.
Got home had something to eat. I know W comes over often on Thursday after work because she has a workout in the neighborhood. So I ducked outta there before she arrived and noticed her pull into our driveway as i turned the corner. I went to a park and am taking it easy before volleyball tonight.
