Action

[Ready2Change]

One mistake many make is letting their spouse back too easy. As you read through everything, come up with your private(ie don't tell W what it will take, rather she will have to tell you) list of unconditionals.

Can you explain a little more what you mean about keeping my list of conditionals for W private, not telling her and her having to tell me?

I’d like to understand these concepts a bit more.

These are in most peoples list:
1) No contact with AP
2) MC
3) Full transparency (Phone/Computer etc)

You should do the work to come up with your own larger list. Then you go about living your amazing life without her. If she comes to you saying she made a horrible mistake, then you agree with her. If she says she wants to move back in, then you let her know that you really like your life now and "Its not that easy". IF she says "I'll do anything" then you ask "like what?" She will rattle off some things. You say "It will take much more than that. I got to go, I am late for something important."

Of course we are putting the cart in front of the horse. Definitely dig deep into the quotes thread and understand the thought processes of PuppyDogTails, ChocholateEyes, RobX ,GucciLoafers, as well as Coach.

[Rockon]

NO absolutely not I don’t know what she is thinking there and I think she’s a mess and confused

Why do you think she is a mess? What do you think she is confused about?

I think she’s a mess in her response to deep hurts and in consequences of her recent choices and behaviours. And confused in what to do about it - can she save face and deal with disapproval from friends and family and disconnection?

She is responsible for her choices and actions and there are consequences.

What are the consequences for this trip?

I am focusing on my life and moving on - she is getting backlash from people who love and care about her concerning this trip.

[LH19]

WWs are like drug addicts. They’ll do anything to get their next fix including disappointing and hurting the ones they love. She will disassociate with the ones who disapprove of her choices. Find new friends who approve. All part of the script in the WW playbook.

[Rockon]

WWs are like drug addicts. They’ll do anything to get their next fix including disappointing and hurting the ones they love. She will disassociate with the ones who disapprove of her choices. Find new friends who approve. All part of the script in the WW playbook.

Yes I really believe that and I also believe that people can and do change. Not saying a is for the better yet but it seems to me she is somewhere between pre-contemplative and contemplative about making positive change. There was a brief period this summer where she said she was happy but that didn’t seem to last. It will be interesting what she does about it - out of my control - but I have started asking when she tells me a problem of hers, “what are you going to do about it?”

In the meantime, much more relevant to me is “what am I going to do about it?”

Well, just returning home now from an amazing time focusing on serving my parents (driver) and celebrating life with them and my son and taking good care of myself.

Want to stay on track.

Oh by the way, one of our really good solid friends asked me today point blank If I think W is having an A and I said yes. Oooo boy!

[BL42]

Rockon,

I'd be careful on a couple of the responses you mention.

I have started asking when she tells me a problem of hers, “what are you going to do about it?”

Maybe it depends on the tone and inflection, but "what are you going to do about it?” could come across as snide and judgey. The goal is to be empathetic and validation.

Oh by the way, one of our really good solid friends asked me today point blank If I think W is having an A and I said yes. Oooo boy!

Again, careful here on your response. I know it's tempting to punish W and get your story out, but not sure this is going to help a potential reconciliation. The topic of "exposing the affair" is debated on here, and other sites. Some recommend a firm/bold exposure to a close circle of key folks involved in order to "bust the affair". Others say you should keep it completely quiet and not even tell your family or best friend. But not sure anyone recommends stoking the rumor mill around town. If it gets back to her she's likely to be livid, and also if she does decide to come back not only will it make harder to do so, but it'll cause more embarrassment and pain to your W and family.

My kids are actually doing a good job of this with W.

S23 does not have respect for what W is doing and has disengaged after he told her. Same with D20. She has spoken up courageously and then disengaged. Same with D25.

Also I notice you revel a bit in your kids taking your side and losing respect / disengaging with their mom. You are not responsible for their relationship with their mom, and I totally understand the feeling of wanting people to support you and your kids to be on "team dad" when your W is doing bad things secretly, but a note of caution there...their pressure is unlikely to convince her to do the right thing, and even if it does temporarily she'll still be unhappy. You need her to decide on her own, without pressure from you or your kids or anyone else.

LH is right when he says WWs are like drug addicts who will get their fix regardless of whether they hurt the ones they love...this includes their kids. I noticed DnJ commented on your sitch. He recently had his 4-5 years of threads removed, but believe it or not his now-ExW stood up after a nice Thanksgiving meal and told the entire family including their 4 kids - without any advance warning - she was moving out to live with another man and had no interest in DnJ or their 4 children anymore. That she'd deal with the kids if she had to, but just assumed they were no longer part of her life. She didn't just throw away her husband of decades, but any relationship with her children as well. That's an extreme case - probably the worst I've read here - but point is don't bank on your kids having any sway on their mom's decision. She's acting on emotion, not logic, and anyone not aligning with her new world view will likely be disregarded and replaced by someone else who is on board.

Well, just returning home now from an amazing time focusing on serving my parents (driver) and celebrating life with them and my son and taking good care of myself.

That's great. Good for you. Perfect GAL.

In the meantime, much more relevant to me is “what am I going to do about it?”

Yes. That is the question.

[Rockon]

BL:I really appreciate your input and guidance here.

Yes that is really important about tone and inflection and really instead of what are you going to do about it I am asking More what do you want to do and what would be helpful

And yes I have been very careful and very reluctant to tell anybody. But my counsellor really encouraged me to tell my best friend and I have but I asked him not to even to tell his wife. And then this friend asked me today and I did answer yes. And then finally our pastor that I mentioned. W strongly encouraged me To tell him what I need to tell him. She said he really cares for us and our marriage. It does seem to me that she is asking for help.

Also I regret that my tone and the typed word shows me revelling in my kids taking my side. That is not my intention. Rather I am acknowledging that they are impacted and struggling and not happy with what W is doing. And they are communicating respect and honour to me while also honouring their mom. I am strongly promoting honour And not speaking bad about her.

Again thank you so much.

[Kind18]

I generally agree with BL42.

You need to tread carefully in what you say, to whom, and avoid trying to use your children as a weapon against her choices.

Let me be really clear … it’s incredibly rare that children will take sides to the extent you think. They tend to love both parents without much judgement. So generally, even if you think they’re taking your side, they will be building resentment against you for putting them in a position where they have to choose (even if they choose you and disapprove of WW’s behaviour).

Also, a lot of kids take both sides - they’ll tell you they hate her, and they’ll tell her the same thing about you. Kids prioritise avoiding conflict at all costs - so they’ll say anything and everything different to both parents if they believe it will mean they can avoid involvement or having to choose sides.

The one thing I will disagree with BL42 on is being empathetic and validating. That’s for someone who has ignored and slowly alienated their spouse to the point they’ve fallen out of love. It’s not really appropriate or helpful to validate a cheater… in fact, it makes things worse.

Anyway - all this is more about her. Keep working on you and getting a life without her - that’s where true peace and happiness will come from.

[Rockon]

Thanks Kind. Working on it.

[LH19]

Yeah you are not listening to the advice here. You are to withdrawal all emotional support. You are not her therapist or her emotional tampon. You are too busy for that $hit. I’m not a fan of validating a wayward either. Especially one who doesn’t even have the decency to hide it.

This behavior may be temporary and maybe not. You view this as bad behavior. She views it as she feels alive again.

I will ask you the question again. You are acting out of fear. What are you of afraid of that you can’t let go?

[DnJ]

Good Morning Rock

BL is spot on. Logic, reason, the Lord, kids, etc. will not turn her around, will not wake her up. In fact, all of that is pressure and she will run in the opposite direction.

Whichever direction her life is headed is on her. Leave it with her!

What I’m referring to is to not manipulate her path. A LBS making personal changes and decisions in an effort to directly affect the spouse’s path usually prolongs the spouse’s journey. At best the efforts is neutral, at worst disastrous. No one is wise enough to see all ends. And you certainly do not want the responsibility of her outcome heaped upon you.

The LBS let’s go, stands, and moves forward. Your decisions are to be best for your interests; you are the most important person in this equation. Oftentimes the LBS pretzels themselves and will walk on eggshells in an effort to smooth things over and try to get the situation back to what it once was. Best to focus on you. Let go, live your life, and let her run to catch up. If that is indeed what comes to pass.

You are just starting out, and I get it, you want to do something to move this forward. Realize doing nothing is doing something. Being still is still moving forward. When you’re calm and at peace, answers will reveal themselves.

You have been given the gift of time. Use it well.

In my opinion you are doing excellent. Posting lots, listening, seeking advice and wisdom before deciding anything and/or putting decisions into action.

The future is unknown and unwritten. Have faith my friend.

D